How did I get here? I am twenty one and I have nothing. I am in about 20,000 worth of debt (probably worse) I am a waster, a floater, I don't think about the consequences apart form the immediate gain. I won't get credit or even a bank card for at least seven years. I expect understanding when it makes no sense for people to understand.
I am clever, bright, witty, I have a lot of love in my heart and a real sense of empathy, I see past the norm and past the facade of a happy life. I am turning into one of those people I always laughed at. I have messed up my education -- I have dropped out of university three times (three * * * *ing times) and I let it happen. It's like I go into this horrible mode for a while where it doesn't matter about next week, living for today has turned today into a hell.
I am gay, that has been hard, but I can't use that excuse anymore for anything. The man I love can never love me back, I don't want anyone else even though I have been waiting to meet somebody who can bring me some joy. All I do with my love is push him away. I smoke too much weed, a fact I have recognised --- but escaping like that has only prolonged my utter confusion. I hate my body, I am too thin even though I have no problem with food.
I have tried to improve myself so many times but I still can't imagine the thought that anybody would want me, not truly, they will find out. They will find out that I have been working as a prostitute (not full sex thank god) once a week just to make some money and enjoy myself for one day out of seven. Most of my friends would never guess such a thing. They don't know what it's like to have to keep up this persona, this happy guy, this friendly face with bright eyes and an eager smile.
I have to get a job now but where will that lead? I have lost all of my independance. I am flakey. I've been put on medication for my anxiety (even though I'm very social) and to slow my heart down (I have hypertension).
There is too much wrong in my life to ever fix it. My parents are so let down that their brightest child has come to this. I am popular but I am a popular lie. To be honest, I can't take much more of this, but I would never consider suicide. I just can't take anymore. I don't want this life. I don't deserve the chances I have had, the family, the money, the support, all wasted. It's just all such a terrible waste.
