Juvinile diabetes: Best Friend Gone

[Annoyed And Bitter]

This is going to sound so ridiculous to some people. My best friend died 3 years ago. I am ok most of the time now, considering how I was when it first happened. But still I have problems in my life because of the loss. I am afraid to love anyone, including my own daughter. It isn't that I DON'T love. I just CAN'T love like that again. The love I had for him was passionate and deep. It was explosive and sometimes so fierce that it hurt to breathe. He was my first love, my dearest friend, and my rock for 4 years... I think a lot of the pain is because of the RELEASE of his death. I spent our entire relationship/friendship watching him die from juvinile diabetes, so his death was a release from a responsibility that defined and consumed me. I lost my identity when he died. I quite literally locked myself away for a year and a half, chain-smoking and popping sedatives. I lived with a roommate, and would provoke him to beat me up just so I could feel ANYTHING. At that point even blood pouring from my broken body felt good compared to the numbness I felt inside. I feel myself slipping back into that shattering numbness and I fear for my own sanity if I return to that cold dark place. I have no one to talk to about this. I need someone....

[Gilgamesh]

Hello

 

The grief your experiencing is not something that is going to go away with a few posts on this forum, there is something a lot deeper going on inside you, you definatly should seek assistance from a professional.

 

They can get to the grain of whats blocking certain emotions, and find out why your trapped in these fears.

 

Please find help with this, it is serious, you have a right to go through life happy, content and free to feel all emotions.

 

Do it for yourself, and do it for your loved ones, do it for your friend that passed away, who you know wouldnt want to see you this way.