after all this time, i dont think its what i want

[SaRaHmArIe8588]

How do I get rid of Mr. Wrong now that I've led him to believe I wanted to grow old with him?

 

Background: Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 16 months. We had some trouble in the past which is why i am questioning the relationship. He is almost 24, works in a grocery store part time, without a license, and hasnt gone to college. I know you are all thinking, Loser. I dont know what his problem is. He blames it on his parents not having enough money. Neither one of them work, and his mom is the only one who works. He also has a bit of a temper. He blows up about stupid things, hes always paranoid that people talk about him, and when we are together around other people he acts so different than he does with just me...

 

I'm beginning to think that this isnt what i want. He is not the guy i was supposed to end up with. I know my chances of having a perfect relationship is slim to none but thats what i feel like i deserve. I dont want someone who wont be able to support me. I do care about him and i do love him, i just dont think i am IN love with him. Its not fair to be leading him on, i know. I just cant hurt him again. About 2 months ago we broke up for a week because i told him that the fact he wasnt doing anything with his life was dragging me down. he promised he would change if i gave him time, but nothing has happened. He tells me every week that he just needs to figure out what he wants to do. I've had enough. I dont believe in him anymore. I dont think he will ever change.

 

All of these feelings were brought up by watching romance films with happy endings. Ha sad i know.. I want someone whos arms i can jump into. Someone who i will love so much that i cant eat or sleep when we are apart. i want romance and passion. Is that so much to ask? I dont feel those things with my boyfriend. Sure, i felt them in the beginning but thats before it got all serious and before i knew that he was never going to do anything with his life.

 

Am i crazy to have stayed with him this long?

I do deserve to have the happiness in a relationship that ive dreamed of right? I just worry that it wont come to me. Im the kind of person who will get lonely and settle with my boyfriend if we ever broke up again. Thats what im afraid of because i did it 2 months ago.

 

How can i get out of this relationship without hurting him?

I am the first girl hes ever been with, sadly. And i finally understand why..

 

Help

[ElegantOverkill]

ok i have an answer for you! lol the reason i am single now is because of a situation like yours. my ex is a bit older than me she is 27 i am 24 and she is out of college and has a good job. she urged me to make a better life for myself and to take control of my personal problems. well we dated for about 2 1/2 years and she confronted me about my lack of motivation about 6 months before she broke up with me. i never paid to much attention to the ultimatum and she saw that and ended it.

 

i have now took steps in my life to better myself and i have a good career ahead of me. at the time i could care less about it i did not like the fact that she was telling me i had to change and i would get pissed about it. and now that we are no longer i miss her to death and i am kicking myself over it. the point is this..... if you know in your heart that he will never change for you or to better himself and that his lifestyle is the only thing that would keep you from loving him then sit him down and tell him that you are going leave him over this and never come back.

 

mind you keep your cool when doing this but be firm and let him know that you wont stand for it. i wish that i was aproached like that because i may have took is a different way and acually done something about it. now i am kicking myself over my ex love because she left me over it.

 

i hope this helps like i said this guy is in a situation just like i was in.... if you need advice over what he may be thinking feel free to ask before you pull the trigger. i wish you luck with it!

[n83]

It sounds like you have very legitimate reasons for wanting to break up with him. There is no way to break it off with him without hurting him. The best thing to do is just make a clean break... don't lead him on after (ie. hang out with him a lot or anything) because that will just make it worse for both of you...

 

For the record, I don't blame you for feeling that way... a guy in his position wouldn't be very appealing to me.

[rmpavlock]

Hey, don't beat yourself up. At least you know that something is not right. Don't feel like you should stay with him because he might be hurt. I was with my last boyfriend for almost 3 years and it was similar to the situation you are in now. Unfortunately, break ups are painful. Trust me, worrying that he might be hurt was the hardest part about breaking it off with him. I knew he would be upset, but you know what? Your boyfriend was how old when he started dating you? 22 or 23? He was okay for that long without you. He'll be okay if you break up with him. Even if it's painful for him now, he'll learn to deal with it.

 

Besides, think about how you'll feel. Won't you feel better knowing that you don't have to deal with his temper anymore? Don't think about his feelings right now. Think about how you feel when he doesn't treat you right. If you know something is not right, if you are not happy with him or if you are wondering if you would be better off without him...then don't be afraid to break it off. Chances are, you'll feel better in the long run.

[Jayar]

I agree.... You've given him enough chances. Leave him NOW, and tell him clearly why you are leaving. Tell him you've given him chance after chance to get his life together and he doesn't seem to care. THEN end by saying that, while you do not wish to speak to or see him anymore, if he ever DOES get his act together you would consider a reconciliation.

 

Then leave it at that. You never know, you might be the best thing that ever happened to him in more ways than one!