What do I have to lose?

[Lunabelle]

Hi everybody.

 

I'm back after quite a few months break from Enotalone.

 

I need your help.

 

I've been married almost 20 years, in fact our anniv. is in a couple weeks.

 

Last few years have been pretty tough on our marriage.

 

I've pretty much given up on it.

 

He tells me again this morning he wants to try again. I have never agreed to do this before.

 

For some reason, today I am thinking, why not? Just what exactly have I got to lose by trying again?

 

Did I just wake up, come to work and leave my brain in bed? Am I nuts? Part of me can't even believe I'm considering this as an option.

 

What do I do? Why am I suddently entertaining this notion as an option? What will it hurt to really try again? I'm not sure I even know what that means.

 

Any ideas?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Well...as long as he didn't do anything really horrible to you ..ie. cheating, etc, things like that...then why not.

 

20 years is a long time.

 

but i don't know why you guys are having problems in the first place?

[Exposedtowisdom]

Especially condiering you are still married, it never hurts to try again, with the exception of a few cases involving domestic violence and the like. The important thing to keep in mind is that you can't keep kicking a dead horse...and by that I mean that to truly "try" you both must be doing something new. Observe what has not worked in the past for you, and go a different direction.

 

My husband and I come to the same conclusions when things become dull, or frustrating between us. The only way to try is to go with a newer idea. Don't restart the relationship: Build on what you already have. Obviously something strong still exists between you, you are still married afterall.

 

My thoughts are with you,

 

Allie

[Lunabelle]

Thank you for helping.

 

The cheating was the online variety....I know a lot of people say that viewing porn is not really cheating, but what I'm talking about it when it's so bad that he prefers to be in his room downloading videos instead of being with his family. So while it may not be sexual cheating, in a twisted way we are cheated out of our husband/father when the rest of the family is home and he's locked away in his cave.

 

He's never physically abused me, but there has definitely been some issues of emotional, verbal manipulation going on. And yes, for quite a while I accepted this behavior, so he was kind of "trained" to believe it would work.

 

Long, unbelievely dull boring ugly tale about what the problems really are in our marriage...if only it was something clear cut.

[Lunabelle]

Don't restart the relationship: Build on what you already have.

 

Can you help me here, what do you mean by not "restarting"?

[gattsuga]

are u two still sexually active? maybe the reason for his porn addiction is because he has all this sexual energy, but no where to release it. spice things up in bed? you've been together for 20 years... that's a long time. i'd say give it a shot...

 

are u willing/able to forgive him for his porn addiction? As a guy, I can tell you it takes a LOT of self-control to stay away form porn. It's so easy to access, and it's everywhere on the internet. Have u asked him give up his computer while you work this out? He wants to change... give him a chance.. like i said, 20 years is a long time.

[pamh]

What have you got to lose by trying again? Well, consider that you have already lost years by staying in an unhappy marriage. I assume that you've tried at various times to fix things, but have been unsuccessful. If you do want to try again, first try to envision what that entails. Does it mean seeing a marriage counselor? Does it mean him giving up porn forever or for a specified time period while you work on the issues?

 

Some questions:

What does "trying again" mean to you exactly? What is your goal?

What actions need to be taken on your part and his part to make the trying meaningful for you?

What can do you differently this time?

 

I'd also recommend a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It's a great help in trying to decide where you're at with the relationship.

 

It sounds like you have been struggling with this for a long time. My heart goes out to you.

 

Best of luck,

Pam

[Lunabelle]

What does "trying again" mean to you exactly? What is your goal?

What actions need to be taken on your part and his part to make the trying meaningful for you?

What can do you differently this time?

 

Pam, yes, this is exactly the questions I'm asking him, and not getting concrete answers. That's what's making me nervous, that I don't understand exactly what he has in mind.

 

I think we both ought to be able to answer these questions, but he's objecting to providing this specific information I seem to need.

 

Thank you for taking time to respond.

[helpme2]

Thank you for helping.

 

The cheating was the online variety....I know a lot of people say that viewing porn is not really cheating, but what I'm talking about it when it's so bad that he prefers to be in his room downloading videos instead of being with his family. So while it may not be sexual cheating, in a twisted way we are cheated out of our husband/father when the rest of the family is home and he's locked away in his cave.

 

He's never physically abused me, but there has definitely been some issues of emotional, verbal manipulation going on. And yes, for quite a while I accepted this behavior, so he was kind of "trained" to believe it would work.

 

Long, unbelievely dull boring ugly tale about what the problems really are in our marriage...if only it was something clear cut.

 

I totally get what you mean by cheating. In my marriage we define cheating as anything that "cheats" the relationship, so since he was away and alone, and not with you when he was online he was very much cheating the relationship.

 

I really think that you should try again, maybe go to some marriage counseling or check out a book about marriage from the library. If you aren't ready for that yet, maybe you guys should just hang out some more and get to know eachother again, find something new to learn together.

 

Make a list of all the things you really liked to do early in your relationship, things you love about your husband, things you used to do that he liked, try doing those things again.

[ItsonlyME]

I know a lot of people say that viewing porn is not really cheating, but what I'm talking about it when it's so bad that he prefers to be in his room downloading videos instead of being with his family.

 

Ah! Known territory for me. Even caught him twice... erm red handed. Anyway.

 

We had (a few times actually) this whole conversation where he refused to take responsability for his actions.

 

(1) 'All men do it!' Yeah, and if they all jump off from a bridge will you do it too??! And sorry, not all men do it. A lot of men would be insulted here in fact.

 

(2) 'I have no choice, I have needs' - I would be curious to know what would his reaction be if I did the same : masturbate in front of the computer while looking at naked guys instead of spending time with him. He would freak out. And by the way I have needs too! Sheesh.

 

*************************

 

On the matter of 'trying again'. Depends on several things really. Do you feel the relationship is beyond repair or do you think there is hope still? Are you guys ready and willing to put all the necessary efforts to succeed? Because it's not a matter of being nice and shut up like my husband said to me so many times...

 

What do YOU want to do?

 

I do wonder if it's possible to fall in love again with someone... when we don't love them anymore. I'll have to post that question somewhere in this forum because now I do wonder...!

 

I hope it goes well for you. We all deserve to be happy after all. Because life is not a dress rehearsal.

[ItsonlyME]

are u two still sexually active? maybe the reason for his porn addiction is because he has all this sexual energy, but no where to release it. spice things up in bed? you've been together for 20 years... that's a long time. i'd say give it a shot...

 

 

Been together 22 years here. My sex drive has always been stronger than his. I like many diff things and I am certainly not boring nor ordinary in bed. He's said 'Oh wow!' many times.

 

But still... He has a porn addiction. He won't admit it. My guess is his pleasure and gratification are more important than mine. With porn on the Net, he sees to his needs and doesn't have to make the effort of thinking about mine. Much easier too to *click* *click* than to deal with a real life woman I say... Sad isn't it?

[keef]

i am curious as to a few things u mentioned because i think that perhaps u are basing your thoughts and judgements on assumptions - and this is probably why u have these thoughts in the first place

[Stambler]

Lunabelle,

 

I'm so glad to see that you're back! I'm still gong through it (See "Am I Holding onto False Hopes" in the Divorce forum).

 

Yours is a very interesting problem. Does your Husband know why you are unhappy? I mean, have you point blank told him? I remember you saying he never had the "Ah-ha" moment as I did. Is there a way to give him one? Could you tell him you're leaving and it won't work because (fill in blank) in order to get him to change?

 

I can't understand why he would want to "try again" yet not sleep with you, spend all his time on IN porn and not give you the attention, support and love you want. Believe me, I have made the biggest life changes for myself, hoping that my wife will accept them and reconsider. Is there any way to get him into that frame of mind?

 

Hope this helps, you have helped me tremendously in the past...

[Lunabelle]

Hello Good Morning everyone!

 

Thanks to all who replied, I appreciate your help.

 

Camber, Hi! I have been lurking about and reading your posts too....

 

The update:

 

I sent him an email, very calm and polite, basically asking the three questions posed earlier by PamH. What does TA (trying again) mean to him? What's to be done differently to effect different results? What ACTION needs to be taken, and by whom?

 

I then spent a couple hours really thinking over MY responses so that I would be prepared with my own answers. This was a deep, heartfelt excercise. I know I am 50% at fault here. I'm prepared to change my evil ways...

 

That was Friday. I have had NO response. Nada. Nyet. Nil.

 

I guess that tells me a whole lot, doesn't it?

 

In fact, in the process of doing this, I remembered I have actually gone through this exact same process with him once before. Our marriage has been so rocky for so long, I'm actually repeating the steps I took before to try to make it right. What a dope. When will I learn?

 

Basically we're just two people sharing a house, raising kids, living our life, just lonely and unsatisfied in our marriage. I have been in my own bedroom for almost two years now.

 

He says he can't tolerate this anymore, yet takes no ACTION to make it any other way.

 

I'm kind of just indifferent to him now. No strong feelings one way or another.

 

He says he does want to "sleep" with me. He says he wants to be with me, that he loves me, that he can't take my "rejection" any more. He calls it rejection. I call it completely ignoring my needs and wants.

 

I quit posting here at Enotalone after he found my postings and had to point out how wrong I was in every instance. I felt so vulnerable, so violated, that I couldn't come on any more. Until then, I had no idea he followed my history on the computer. I'm a bit more careful now. It is hard to remember this is a public place.

[BlueFire]

why not viewing porn together with your partner and both have fun out of it. Make a game and have fun thinking on both party's what ya'll like the most......Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience........never be shy or to scared to try as long you talk to your partner and share the thoughts.

[Lunabelle]

why not viewing porn together with your partner and both have fun out of it.

 

BlueFire, please take no offense, but the porn is not the issue.

 

The issue is that I still have NO RESPONSE from this jerk.

 

He's been hounding me and bothering me about getting back together, but when the rubber hits the road, when it's time to put up or shut up, he simply makes no response.

 

Why do people do this?

 

I'm giving him what he says he wanted -- me to take his request to TA seriously. But when I push him for REAL ACTIONS or REAL SOUL SEARCHING he simply has no response.

 

He can't even work on his own behalf. He can't even act to help himself.

 

I don't even have it in me to feel hurt anymore.

 

A couple days ago I emailed him again and asked for a reply to the Friday message. No response.

 

This morning I sent a final email and stated that he has now made it perfectly clear where we stand and I appreciate him clarifying that for me.

 

Today is my daughter's birthday. Last night he sent one of the kids in to ask me to come back to his room and wrap presents for our daughter. Again, he NEEDS something so it must be time to call me, his substitute Mommy.

 

I sent the same kid back to him with the message, you're a big boy now, you too can wrap gifts you're giving to others.

 

Ya know, all I really want it to be around people I can respect.

 

Grow up ya bastard. Put some fricking effort where your big fat mouth is.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that when I confront him about his lack of response (and I will) he'll give me some mealy mouth lame *** excuse about not getting the email or not checking it or some such thing when I see him on the computer every night.

 

On a scale of one to ten, ten highest, I allowed my own hope-meter to move up from zero to one during the soul-seaching process I went through to come up with my own answers to those questions. Sorry I know that sentence was confusing. But I admit there was a spark of hope ignited by the process.

 

Oh well. Moving along, moving along.

 

Thanks for letting me vent folks.