I can't deal with this pain

[nsbguy32169]

It ended... after 3 years it's over. I'm sure if you go back and read my previous threads you'll ask yourself how we managed to stay together in the first place, but dammit I love that girl. My previous threads were basically complaints about sex issues but after April this year things reached a peak that had never been hit before... One of the best parts was that her sex drive came back... and it came back hard. Everything was so great for about 2 months... I'm serious when I say this, my life was absolutely perfect for that first half of summer, it was absolutely amazing... I was beyond happy with every aspect of my life and I don't think things could have possibly gotten better. I had an awesome job, my grades were awesome, and the love of my life was loving sex again. And then half way through summer it stopped... we were doing the long distance thing during the summer and halfway through she started making little effort to call me or talk to me. She "never had time to call", she was always too busy to talk, or she didn't feel like talking... what was actually going on was that she didn't feel like talking to ME... she could go clubbing with all of her friends until 3 in the morning, but she didn't feel like talking to anyone?... yea ok. For the first half of the summer she was miserable because we were apart and she missed me so after a while she decided to put those feelings aside and enjoy herself. Doing so opened up her eyes to how much she was missing out on and everything she had given up to be with me. All of her goals she had before 3 years ago had been changed to accomidate me and my goals. She had made very few friends in the 3 years we were together and basically realized there's a whole other world out there and she wants to explore it... see other people, travel, study abroad, and have fun without having to be tied to one person.

 

We broke up at the beginning of August, three days after I moved in and I've never been more confused in my entire life. I feel like giving up completely, but at the same time I know I still have a long life to live, many people to meet and hundreds of places to go and see... On one hand it's like I've completely lost the best thing that might ever happen to me, but after talking with a lot of my friends all I keep hearing is, "there's a whole other level of happiness" or "you deserve so much better" and I just keep wanting to think that, but I don't... I want her... we had so many issues with each other and constantly fought about them, but when I think about her I don't think of those things... I think about a beautiful woman who was head over heels in love with me just as I was with her. It was passion that drove us to fight and then turn around and love each other with every bit of our soul... It doesn't feel like it can end like this... Hell, we even looked at houses together when she came to visit me in the city I'll be working in after I graduate... and a month later she had basically shut down her feelings for me. Even now she still tells me she's in love with me, but doesn't want to be tied down for a long time... I'm not waiting, I know that much, but... I don't know. I want to be with her, but I know things wouldn't work right now. We both have a lot of growing to do and some changes to make if we have any hopes of getting back together in a few years. And at the same time I don't want to get back with her... I'm so confused.

 

I've been pretty depressed for the past month and a half... slipping in between happiness and extreme feelings of depression every few days. I'll be ok and without a care in the world some days and other days I don't feel like continuing with this crap people call life. We're both going to therapy about all the feelings and emotions we've been experiencing lately, plus she has her own emotional baggage she has to deal with.... I've been trying to get out and party with my friends, but when the opportunity rolls around I don't feel like being around people... I just wanna crawl in a corner and die. The part that really doesn't help is that we still see each other almost every day. I don't want to, but it always seems to work out like that. I told her last wednesday that I didn't want us to talk or see each other for a few days and I ended up seeing her on thursday and then spending the night on friday and spending almost all of saturday with her. What also confuses me is how she acts towards me... When I got to her apt on Friday for dinner the first thing she did was walk up to me and start making out with me... I stopped her and asked what she was doing and she said, "I'm raping you!" We didn't do anything past kissing, but the next day she would completely avoid any physical contact. I'm just going through the day thinking, "What the heck happened to the Amy that wanted to rape me yesterday?" She completely changes her attitude toward me on a day-to-day basis and it's driving me crazy because this sort of thing has been going on for the past month!

 

I can't stop thinking about who she might be seeing... I don't want to care about who she dates or who she sleeps with... I don't want to be in love with her anymore so I don't have to deal with these gut-wrenching feelings of heart-break and jealousy every time I hear about her going on a date. It feels like she's cheating on me and I can't take it... I don't want to deal with this anymore... I just wanna wake up tomorrow and be completely out of love with her... or just not wake up at all.

 

It feels like it should get better when I talk to someone about it... but after a couple days all the pain and emotions come back. It doesn't feel like I'm ever gonna fall out of love with her... There's so much I feel like saying, but it would take pages and pages to write down all my emotions, feelings, and thoughts over the past month...

[whoops]

wow! it was like you reached inside me and expressed my exact feelings. I think she needs to grow on her own as you do and you need NC or you will not go on in a good way. You are young so you are lucky i thought it was the one or he led me to think it was - but when the crunch came he ran scared.

[joyce1412]

you CAN deal with this pain. it's hard, but you'll get through it a stronger person.

 

if you love someone, set her free. she may come back, she may not, but it's the only thing you can do.

[istillluvu06]

I feel your pain all the way!!! Trust me I know. It does feel like they would be cheating on you if they go out with someone else huh? I guess cause we still love them so much we feel they are still ours. We were engaged so it's terrible. I wonder too sometimes how the hell I'm gonna get through this, but we have to. I mean what else can we do?? You have plenty of support here as I can see, Great people!!! I wish you the best and know you are not alone, there are lots of us in pain right now

[The Crying Pony]

Yeah, just know that we all share that sickening feeling. But it WILL get better! The human body was designed to heal, it just takes (and I know you don't want to hear this...) TIME!

 

In the meantime, delve deep and look for purpose in YOUR life because you matter most. Stop wanting to write pages and pages and DO spend time with other people. It's the healthiest thing you can do. Talktalktalktalk about it until you're sick of it! But don't write it down where it can stay.

 

You are covered in little sticky rubber bands right now, and one by one they will snap. Once they're all gone, BAM!! you'll be free to love again...

 

Hang in there!

[nsbguy32169]

if you love someone, set her free. she may come back, she may not, but it's the only thing you can do.

 

That's the biggest cause of my confusion... I want her back, but I don't. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and she wants the same, but not right now. I don't want to wait for her, but I don't want to lose her if she comes back to me in a few years. I want to see other people just as much as she does, but I also want to be with her again. I want to be with her, but we have a lot of issues to deal with before we can even consider that. I don't know what I want... I want to fall out of love with her so I don't have to think about this stuff. I don't want to have her on my mind all day so I can actually concentrate on work and school so my grades don't start dropping. I hate this... so much

 

Yeah, just know that we all share that sickening feeling. But it WILL get better! The human body was designed to heal, it just takes (and I know you don't want to hear this...) TIME!

 

In the meantime, delve deep and look for purpose in YOUR life because you matter most. Stop wanting to write pages and pages and DO spend time with other people. It's the healthiest thing you can do. Talktalktalktalk about it until you're sick of it! But don't write it down where it can stay.

 

You are covered in little sticky rubber bands right now, and one by one they will snap. Once they're all gone, BAM!! you'll be free to love again...

 

Hang in there!

 

I hate time...

 

Writing it down... That's one of my problems is I keep going back and reading old emails between us and reading her old livejournal entries... reading entries from months and months ago about how much she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me and about how much she can't wait to move closer to me... and then 7 months after she moves up here it's over... all of it's gone... I keep trying to tell myself it's not a waste of 3 years, but it genuinely feels like that sometimes... everyone keeps telling me to look at it as a learning experience and think of all the great times we had, but I don't want to think about those... I want to think about the great memories that we might have made in the future... I think about the future without her and I get depressed and then people tell me to look at the past and remember all the good times... thinking about all those good times make me depressed that they won't happen again, not happy because I got to experience them. No matter what I think about I'm screwed. I miss so many things about being together. It's not that I feel lonely without her, but I feel incomplete... like if I go a day without talking to or seeing her, that day feels empty... the stupid thing about all of this is when I go back to work in January, which is 4 hours away, I know I'm still going to miss her like crazy and I know she's gonna feel the same way. She wanted to break up so we could experience the college life without being tied down or emotionally involved with someone yet if one of us studies abroad or goes on a long vacation somewhere I know I would miss her the whole time and want to be with her and she's told me she would feel the same way.

[TheDoctor]

NSBguy, on a shallower note I'd like to help you with something that you can do at this very moment. First off you sound like me with my ex when I don't get out of the house enough. I am the type of guy that likes to be genuine, and reflect on issues when things are over. I hate clubs, I hate large groups of people, and I hate going out in times like this. 2 weekends ago was the worst time in my life; I decided to stay home Sat, Sun and reflect and accept what has happened to me and my ex in the course of the last year. Somehow though, it turned into a nightmare FAST. It was like pulling nails, I cried, I yelled, I got drunk, I cried, I listened to every sad song in the world and then I drank some more and realized it was 5 am so I slept. Had some nightmares, woke up, listened to more sad music, cried, was sad, didnt even have the urge to explain how sad I am on enotalone, and finally the weekened was over....then the weekend was finally over.

 

Then last week on Thursday I made plans that I promised I'd do. Friday I went fishing on my buddies boat in the morning, then when I got back home I went out with friends to a bar/club. Saturday I had dinner with an old friend that I havent seen in a long time and vented with, then I went to a movie with her, afterwards a club my sisters boyfriend owns and drank with a large group of people (surprise surprise!). By Sunday, I stayed home and read a little for school work, went to my uncles house and had a BBQ. It is now Tuesday and I haven't spoken to her for the first time in this 1 month of breaking up for nearly 5 days now. And I'm not sad at all, I'm completley fine. I'd love to give you specific advice on your ex and all but I'm sure the other members will do that. I will advise you to get out if you can, and when you do dont go out to talk about her, go out so you can just go out and forget her. I know you cant really forget her, and even when your out having fun a part of you wimpers inside like a dog about how you miss them. But just do it, it helps alot bud. Good luck, and get your weekend set up man!!

[nsbguy32169]

You are young so you are lucky i thought it was the one or he led me to think it was - but when the crunch came he ran scared.

 

That's the thing is we thought we were ready to get married and had talked about it for so long... All of this spring she was always looking at marriage websites, looking at dresses, honeymoon spots, and then looking at furniture and decorating our "future place." She was constantly dropping hints of wanting to get engaged next summer and married during the following summer... that kind of thing went on for almost a year, and then she just tells me she's not in love with me anymore and that she doesn't want to make any kind of commitment to anyone. I mean, Christ, she bought me a piggy bank and put the words "Engagement Ring" on it. Now it's just sitting around with a good chunk of cash in it... It feels so ****ty thinking about all the plans we made that she just threw away... How do you love someone enough to want to marry them and have kids with them just to wake up one day and say, "Screw that! I wanna see other people." The other thing is I've been ready for the past two years, but we agreed to wait until the last year of college so we could concentrate on school and such... I'm still ready. So many people are scared to death of spending the rest of their lives with one person, but that's all I've ever wanted with her and none of my friends could understand that.

 

Then last week on Thursday I made plans that I promised I'd do. Friday I went fishing on my buddies boat in the morning, then when I got back home I went out with friends to a bar/club. Saturday I had dinner with an old friend that I havent seen in a long time and vented with, then I went to a movie with her, afterwards a club my sisters boyfriend owns and drank with a large group of people (surprise surprise!). By Sunday, I stayed home and read a little for school work, went to my uncles house and had a BBQ. It is now Tuesday and I haven't spoken to her for the first time in this 1 month of breaking up for nearly 5 days now. And I'm not sad at all, I'm completley fine. I'd love to give you specific advice on your ex and all but I'm sure the other members will do that. I will advise you to get out if you can, and when you do dont go out to talk about her, go out so you can just go out and forget her. I know you cant really forget her, and even when your out having fun a part of you wimpers inside like a dog about how you miss them. But just do it, it helps alot bud. Good luck, and get your weekend set up man!!

 

I wish I could go out... I want to and I get to the point of picking up my phone and then I just stop. I don't feel like being around people, but at the same time I want to take my mind off of this by talking to other people about anything BUT relationships. Every time I talk to someone about anything except my problems I feel this huge feeling of relief and the depression leaves my mind... but 5 or 10 minutes after the conversation ends it all comes back. I honestly can't go 2 or 3 days without running into her or talking to her. If I'm at her apartment and we don't keep a conversation going for a good amount of time my mind starts to wander and starts creating images of her with other guys and I feel like vomiting.... we'll just be talking and I'll have to get up and go into another room to try and tell myself not to think about that crap. I know it's not helping that I still go over to her apartment... I just look around at all the old pictures of us still hanging up and start to get depressed or look at the pictures that have replaced our old ones... I'm killing myself with all this crap I do and I can't stop. Maybe I'm hoping to go over there one day and see all our pictures hanging up again and have her run into my arms and beg me to take her back... soooo lame

[TheDoctor]

Take my advice, you can do whatever you want but get out a little. I didnt want to either, I was like you cant drag me out of my bed. But I forced myself one weekend and it really got things out of my mind. As of today Im thinking less and less bout her. Trust me, just give it a go.

[whoops]

print out the letters and hide them dont read them dont look at old pictures just do it - go out for goodness sake it is the only way