confused and need some advice

[splinter]

So here is the situation. My Ex and I broke up a little over a month ago and she moved out. We didn't talk for over a month and we finally met a couple of days ago. I followed an ebook and accepted responsibility for my action, but also understood what I did wrong. In anycase, the evening ended well and I was able to get everything off my chest and it was all good.

 

Well just a few minutes ago she IM'd me. I am supposed to take her to the bank so she can deposit a check. I told her I would pick her up at where she was living, but she was adament about me not going there and picking her up at the train station. Also, a couple of nights ago I asked her how often she checks her email and she said maybe once every couple of days at the library, so when she started chatting with me I was surprised because I didn't think you can have chat software on a public computer so I asked where she was at. At this point she clammed up and said she was feeling very uncomfortable because I was asking so many questions.

 

Well, this just reinforces my belief that another guy is involved here. Of course it hurts very much, but hey what can I do. I admit, subconsciously or consciously I was asking these questions to see if she would admit it, but she didn't. I already told her that if there was another guy and he was making her happy then even though it would hurt me, I can accept it and support her. Again she didn't deny or admit that there was another guy

 

so my questions are the following:

 

1. Why would she just not tell me straight out that she is seeing somone? What would be the reason not to tell me? Is she still deciding whether he is the one or something?(a females perspective would greatly be appreciated on this matter, but a males perspective is also fine)

2. Should I just straight out ask her and then after she responds just tell her I am ok with it?

3. Should I just leave it alone? The problem I have with this is I don't want her to feel like she always has to hide stuff from me and I want her to understand that I know already and have accepted it.

 

How do I handle this? I mean I don't want her to feel that she needs to hide things from me.

 

HELP!!!

[splinter]

Thanks for the advice Swing Fox,

 

I know that finding out doesn't really matter, but here is the thing. First off, I don't want to have a friendship where things are being hidden. I am sure that she is hiding it because either she is embarrassed or scared to tell me or just doesn't want to hurt my feelings anymore. I mean we aren't going out anymore, so there really is no reason to hide it. thereforeeeee, I wanted to just kind of bring it up and let her know that I pretty much know already and that she can open up to me. Of course it will hurt me, but that is my issue. What do you think? Should I still not say anything?

 

Splinter

[slider]

Splinter,

 

I think you shouldn't say anything because as of right now, that topic is none of your business. For example, ask a friend who's mom is in the hospital for cancer or something how she is and you may not get the truth out of even your BEST friend. Some topics are simply "off limits" if you are not a couple. No truth required in order to protect the innocent. Yes, she maybe protecting that guy but by poking around in her personal business makes your friendship fade and make you appear as a jealous exboyfriend. If you do still love her and want to truly be her friend, let that issue go.

[splinter]

Hmm, maybe my choice of words wasn't good. I do want to be friends with her. I think she is hiding this because she either doesn't want to hurt me anymore, is scared to tell me, is embarrassed to tell me, or she still hasn't decided what she wants and wants to keep her options open. I know that she isn't hiding it for any malicious reasons because there are none.

 

I want to make this friendship work, because I don't want her to feel guilty all the time for hiding this because there is nothing to feel guilty about. We are broken up and she is free to date other people as am I. I also, don't want her to get all defensive everytime I ask questions.

 

I guess I answered my question again. I guess I will talk to her about this and explain how I feel and hear how she feels.

 

Thanks again Swingfox

[splinter]

Slider,

 

I completely understand what you are saying, but how can a friendship continues when I have to be careful of every question or comment I make because she might get defensive? How will she feel if she is scared that I might ask the wrong questions all the time. That is why I am confused and don't know what to do.

 

Sigh

 

PS. Thanks for the input.

[splinter]

After all your advice and advice from my friends, I've decided to just act nonchalant when I see her and not even bring this up. Maybe she will bring it up, maybe she won't, but I am not going to stress about it. Yesterday, I felt that this was not how friends should act, but you know what we just broke up, we can't just get into friend mode like that. I realized we have to build that up too and if she wants to keep secrets and hide it, so be it. Thanks all