When men need time apart, does it ever end happy?

[Lanni]

So, the story so far is this. I am in love with a married co-worker. I feel like he is my "one". I also am married with one kiddo. I have posted about this before. I have told my husband that I am moving out. He knows that I love someone else and rightfully is tired of dealing with my tears about the whole thing. So, it is definitely time to have some space and figure this all out. He wants me to be happy, even if that means I have to leave.

 

My friend has told me that he is conflicted because he thinks he should make sure his marriage is over. She knows a little about us also and has told him to cut off all contact... which lasted a whole week. He can't be apart from me though. He loves me. When he is with me he says that everything is clear... until he gets home and want's to do what is right. I respect that. He is afraid that if we start our relationship based on lies that we will have no chance of making it....

 

So, he has asked me for some time to figure things out. I feel desperate. He said that this is his way of fighting for me. SOOOO, Guys, how should I take that? Should I give him this time to figure things out? Should I remove myself completely? (Well, as completely as I can considering that we are coworkers?). Yesterday he called me because he was having a terrible day and needed to hear my voice for a few minutes. He called me, not his wife... which is something.... But last night in another hour long conversation I told him he can't do that anymore. He can't have me and not have me.

 

I know that I could have him back right now. I can always have him. He can't resist me. So, he has respectfully asked me to back away for a short time because he is too weak to fight how he feels. I don't know how to NOT show him that I love him. It will be the biggest lie. Has anyone ever dealt with a situation like this before? Does time apart really help? I want to pounce and make sure he CAN'T forget about me... Advice?

[avman]

He is right that if you start a relationship with lies thats all you will ever have. It will not work out. I commend him for asking you to let him make his decision first BEFORE jumping into a relationship with you.

 

Hopefully you love him enough to respect his wishes. You obviously know you can manipulate his decision if you choose to. But let him make his own decision. Then you will know he really wants you, and he will be comfortable with the fact the decision was his.

[Sadpuppy]

Time apart definitely can help. I was in a relationship and didn't know how to handle things. I asked my girlfriend for a break, and no contact, and she reluctantly agreed. After two months, I had time to objectively figure out what I really wanted in my life, without distractions and manipulations, without emotions getting in the way.

 

Sounds like what this man needs. Give him his space.

[dviewed]

How about for once forgetting your own pleasure and putting your children first...his and yours! It's like you two think it's only you in the world and others don't suffer due to your actions. You already said your husband has been hurt. How about leaving this married man A-L-O-N-E and finding happiness with a single guy before you rip 2 whole families apart even more!

I just have no tolerance for the "I can't control my feelings" thing when it means married people going after other married people.

Don't wedding vows mean anything? Nope, I guess you wiped your mouth with the engraved napkins from your reception & tossed them in the trash & the vows went right in with them!

[Princess777]

Lanni,

Unfortunately you are in a very, very bad situation. You probably knew you were going to get some bashing on this topic, but let's not bash each other -- this is meant to be a helpful, supporting website. This man is a player and you can bet on that. I know you don't believe me but please listen. You have made the mistake of letting him take advantage of you. I know it is hard to believe. Remember, Actions Speak Louder than Words. This man has told you so many things but how many has he followed through on? He is probably not going to leave his wife, and even if he does, you wouldn't want him anyway. How could you ever trust him, or yourself after what has happened? I am not trying to be mean, I am SO trying to keep you from making a HUGE mistake. Please let him be..... try this also... put yourself in his wife's shoes for a moment. You don't know her side of the story, you only know his. I would suspect that you are not the only one he is doing this with. The kind of men who cheat are SO GOOD at saying/doing things to make you believe that they really love you. Think about it, you really love the guy and are probably ready to just leave your husband for him and would marry this guy tomorrow. Do you honestly think this guy would do that for you? Please think about this and the other spouses involved. You are hurting more than just yourself. He is SO not worth it!!!! Good luck, and I hope you don't make the mistake of giving a married man the time of day next time one of them hits on you. I know if your husband were doing this to you, it would most likely break your heart if you truly love him. As it would mine if my husband did this to me.

Princess777

[melrich]

Lanni,

 

I am male and it shames me to admit that 7 years ago I was in a similar situation to your married lover. Let me say that after I ended the affair I havenever looked at another woman except my wife. Anyway I thought my experience may help you. My guess is that this guy will never leave his wife unless she kicks him out. The affair he is having with you isfun and a lot more exciting to him than his relationship with his wife but a big part of that is the illicitness of the affair and the fact that he does not have to make any real commitment. Believe me when I say that your relationship with this guy would be very different if he left his wife. He wants the nice home and family thing but he also wants some excitement in his life.Trading her in for you just means that after a while he will go looking for the excitement elsewhere. I know you will probably think "but we are different!". If you were he would have left his wife by now. You must understand that that is actually a much bigger step for this guy, he would be crucified financially, ostracised by friends and family and maybe even work colleagues. No he likes things just as they are and if it all gets too messy for him he will cut you off, not his wife and family. This is what I was like and thankfully I have changed my whole outlook on life and rebuilt my relationship with my wonderful wife. My advice to you is to cut off all contact and forget about him. Solve the issues in your marriage, if you love your husband work it out, if you don't then do the right thing by him and leave him. Once you are on your own you can make more rationale decisions. If this other guy was ever going to leave his wife for you he will do it then as he will understand that when you are out on your own you are no longer a captive audience and you may just find someone else other than him.