heartbroken and not sure which path to pursue

[futured00d]

Hi all,

 

I have been on these forums for the past couple of weeks or so when my girlfriend of about 3 years and 8 months finally dumped me after putting up with so much of my crap. From pretty much the 2nd year going out things were one sided, things always went my way and I always took her for granted, always assumed she was there, expected more than to give.

 

We always used to have fights every once in awhile ALWAYS instigated by me which would always leave her bursting into tears and hurting.

If anything, the relationship was always about me about her pleasing me.

And I know she always loved me more than I loved her. Since the last year of the relationship I have been witholding affection not because I didn't love her, I just couldn't be bothered afterawhile and it became habitual not to show affection. She would try and hold my hand and I would ball my hand into a fist so she couldn't hold it, out of pure silliness, even kisses, she would try and kiss me and I wouldn't kiss her properly (I am quite immature for my age of 21).

 

Also during this time she had made more friends at University including alot of guys whom she used to talk alot about. This is the first time we actually started having friends outside of each other, for the past 3 years we were so exclusive, all our time spent out was together. I neglected all my friends just to spend time with her.

 

She used to tell me about them, always talking about the, "guys' and I truly got tired of hearing it and told her not to talk about them. Little did I know she due to my lack of attention, affection and caring and what not she started developing feelings for one of them ...after this major fight we had earlier on in this year instigated by me.

 

It was the worst things I have done to anyone, I tried to break-up with her and fully ripped her heart out and stomped on it. She was crying her eyes out waiting outside my door and I wouldn't let her in and threw all her letters in the bin and let her know it.

I look back and realise how much of a selfish bastard I have been and any girl in their right mind if they knew what I was like, I'd tell them to run like hell.

 

She at this point said it was at this time when I started losing feelings for you, and I guess this other guy was in the picture that started really being nice to her and I guess this is where their attraction comes in.

 

I'll continue the post below as this one is getting long...

[futured00d]

On the Thursday night before her 21st birthday I called her to pick-up something I needed from her house. In the worst timing possible, the guy that I later found out who is attracted to her came by to surprise her with flowers and chocolates. She lied about them being a collective gift from everyone when I later found out they were just from him.

 

 

Naturally being the * * * * * I was, I full on verbally abused her calling her all sorts of name, swearing and screaming. She tried to explain herself but I refused to listen. The next day on her 21st I sent her messages every hour telling her how much of a * * * * i think she is and how much I hate her for cheating on me. Even despite I don't know if it is true or not, my gut senses she didn't, even though she has and probably still is attracted to him. I know this truly hurt her even worse than the fight earlier on. I felt I could be as bad as I was because every single time I broke up with her, this would be about 4-5 times she would ALWAYS crawl back to me. But later that night I realised this guy was in the picture and I truly could lose her, which scared me and which has happened.

 

The next day I met her at her work and begged for forgiveness and she told me she didn't want to see me. I pushed her to talk to me and get her to forgive my apology. She said she wanted a break, but I was impatient and

wanted an answer now and she said a break and I said no, its either we're together or broken up. She said the latter..

 

For the next week she had the upper hand, I did the no-no of begging, crying and pleading and she would tell me she has lost feelings and can't feel the same anymore and how much of a bad person she feels. I could tell the break-up was as hard on her as it is on me. Crying herself to sleep etc.

When I came to composure we had one final date which I tried my best and did all the things I was supposed to do when we were going out.

 

I did my hair, came in a suit (from work) and bought her the gifts that she always wanted but I always ignored her. I brought the gifts and stored it in a locker and kept the ticket so she could open it herself.

 

I'll do another post...

[futured00d]

For the first half of the night she gave me the cold shoulder, she wouldn't let me hold her hand and stuff like that. I then talked with her about how sorry I was and she doesn't deserve to be treated the way I treated her then I pulled out the ticket and waited for outside while she opened the locker

with her birthday card I made and gifts. Mind you, I NEVER did anything like this before only in the first year of going out. This was the sort of affection she was CRAVING and I very rarely if ever, gave it to her.

 

She came out crying her eyes out and she accepted my gifts. Although she didn't take me back, I don't know if this is a bad gesture on her part, (i.e accepting a gift from someone you don't intend to be with anymore).

From the remainder of the night we acted like we were a truly happy couple. Holding hands, laughing, touching, I kissed her but I could tell she didn't really feel anything when I did. Just before I dropped her home we had sex for the last time and I dropped her home. This was on the 21st of August.

 

Later that night she called me up crying her eyes out because her dad slapped her in the face for breaking up with me. All this time I thought her parents hated me as they were the a huge cause of all our fights. I used to put her down and her family and get so angry which always ended up her crying her eyes out.

 

Anyway, for the next week onwards I did the post-break-up no'nos, begging, crying, pleading etc. I know this did nothing but push her futher away. It seemed so strange, I couldn't believe this was happening, she was always at my mercy now it was the other way around.

 

I'll post another..

[futured00d]

After about a week or so, I composed myself and started lying myself that I was okay with the break-up, acting all fine, wishing her well and yadda yadda yadda. Whenever I acted like this, it would upset her and make her start crying.

 

So for the past two weeks, I have been trying to feel better about myself and working on piecing together my life and talking alot with my old friends on how to get her back. I've also read some of the articles on NO CONTACT which I guess I plan to do soon.

 

I have contacted her twice in the past 7 days just for some light-hearted conversation, asking how shes doing and all, then cutting the conversation short to keep it brief. Each time it seems that she wants to talk more but I've heard of the thing of giving the gift of missing you. I contacted her again last Sunday again with the same lighthearted conversation too, again keeping it very brief.

[futured00d]

As of right now, I am feeling so alone and insecure about the future.

I have realised of how such a bad person I have been to her for the past two or so years and nobody deserves to be treated that way.

 

I am really trying my best to become a better person, but it is tough.

In a way, the break-up is a blessing otherwise I wouldn't of realised how bad my behaviour was and how I will never forget to not treat anybody like that ever again. Everyone has told me that, at least you realise now...

I have joined a Christian Youth Group and trying to be a bit more sociable at work now but sometimes I just feel so down I don't feel like talking to anybody, but then other days I feel fine because I think, I want to change and she'll see that me and want me back.

 

But in a way, I see I don't deserve her, she did EVERYTHING For me. Back then she supported me when I was down, she was there when I had no job, no money. She supported me when nobody else would. Till now, I started my own business and got a cushy job in a major corporation. And she deserves someone who can make her truly happy, I really wish I could be that person again that made her happy at the start.

 

But this is where my question lies, should I move on, better myself as a person to make-up for all my sins and totally try and forget about her. That is

NO CONTACT whatsoever, blocking her out of my life. i.e Totally give up because once she breaks-up she means it, under the impression that girls think through this more than guys, once the decision is made to break-up odds are they won't change their mind.

Whereas guys make rash decisions and do it without thinking (I have done it about 4-5 times).

 

Or should I try to hold on and try and get her back one day, contact her every once in a blue moon to ask her how shes going, communicating to her without saying it, that I care and am still here. Hoping I won't be lumped into the friend-basket and her telling me about her new boyfriend.

 

Or is it possible to do both, hold on and move on?

 

I understand if you guys think I don't deserve another chance after all what I have put her through, but I think I have learnt my lesson and won't go back to my old ways, even if something does happen.

 

Thanks guys =O)

[futured00d]

So your saying, if there is real love she'll come back on her own?

[g44]

realistically, it sounds like u still need to do some work about making yourself a better person. it still sounds one-sided as if u are blaming her for your behaviour. it really is her decision to make and you should in no way try to influence her decision. just keep on doing the things that will make u a better person and remember those things are not quick fixes, they are life long goals. and do this not for her but for yerself. and remember, if there was any abuse, booze or drugs that played a part in this, she might never trust u again. so, don't have any expectations - just be yourself and live your life - she will let u know what she wants. and remember these few things....you have

 

..a healthy relationship when:

• you never try to control or manipulate each other

• neither of you is possessive

• you are each other's best friend

• you do not abuse alcohol or drugs

• you treat each other with respect

• you feel secure and comfortable with each other

• you never cheat on each other

• you are never violent with each other--no pushing, grabbing, hitting, punching

• you don't scream at each other

• you can resolve conflicts respectfully

• you have fun together

• you enjoy many of the same activities

• neither of you are possessive

• you have equal power in the relationship

• you don't put each other down

• you do not embarrass each other publicly

• you are proud of each other

• your life is better because this person is in your life

• you have privacy in the relationship; your letters, phone calls, etc. are your own

• you're both allowed to have good friends outside the relationship

• most people in your life are happy about the relationship

• you never feel scared around each other

• you never feel pressured to have sex

• there are more good times in the relationship than bad times

• most of the time you feel happy together

• you can trust each other

• you can talk to each other

• you have many of the same basic values

[futured00d]

Hi, I accept all the blame for the problems, as they were all caused by me.

She just kept giving me love and all I did was take it for granted.

She kept giving and I kept taking and rarely giving back...

 

I have contacted her twice in the past week, just a casual how you going?

and I sent her a text to have a nice day, but thats it. Should I leave it at that?

[futured00d]

Its hard, I keep subconsciously keep telling myself she'll call back like she always has... but I don't know if she will...thats the hardest part.

And I feel so alone so I am just piecing together the social life I neglected over the past 3-4 years....

[futured00d]

how can you use NC as a means of getting him/her back? Your not doing anything..

[futured00d]

ouch that sounds so painful, is everything okay now?

Why did you break-up?

[futured00d]

thanks for your advice viper, im glad things have worked out for you, even if its without your ex.

[futured00d]

hi, does anybody else have any advice ?

[enolaton]

Ye man...

 

Gonna have to agree with Viper on this one. You gotta just let things be. There's nothing you can do to make things better. Only make things worse. Unlike many others, I don't necessarily believe in "what's meant to be, will be", but I do believe in learning from your mistakes. Seems like you already know what you did wrong in your relationship, and that's a great start. Now, you just have to "improve" those things, and make sure they never happen again in whatever relationship you wind up in. One day at a time. It sucks to think that your girlfriend will always be there for you, until one day, things are pushed to the breaking point. I was in a similar situation. The only thing that you can do now, is to make sure you better yourself so that things are never pushed to that breaking point ever again...

[futured00d]

i don't think i can love anybody else ...its so bad, well at least its bringing me closer to my family..

[enolaton]

I won't love anyone as I loved my ex. I'll love the next in a different way, because she is a different person, and I am a better person because I learned from my mistakes. No matter the person though, I will love with the same intensity.

[g44]

E sai - "I won't love anyone as I loved my ex. I'll love the next in a different way, because she is a different person, and I am a better person because I learned from my mistakes. No matter the person though, I will love with the same intensity."

 

isn't that the best thing someone can say? that's a great thing to say about the end of a relationship. we should all take these words to heart. and as for NC - i agree - if someone requests it - do it. and if this is your first time experienceing NC - learn and understand why the person is using it and when u have finally understood that - don't tell her that - just do it.

 

and remember 'blame' is damage control – accepting responsibility is freedom - there really is no quick fix when it comes to trust - you just have to let faith come back in

 

stay kewl

[Speedway]

futured00d,

 

Welcome to the club. A lot of what you described reminded me of my situation and I'm now taking a different path in life.

 

It sounds to me that you've also realised what you did wrong (towards her) in your relationship. That is very good - you'll learn from that and behave better in the future.

 

I also had my doubts regarding my decision (did I do the right thing?, I want her back, jealousy of her new relationship etc.) but now that she's moving on I'm beginning to also remember the things that eventually caused my withdrawal from her. Some of them I could have worked on (I made a list of what I'd do differently and what we'd do together), but some are fundamental to me that if I did change those I'd become a different person and I'm afraid I wouldn't feel comfortable with it (those were what I regard good things about me ).

 

From g44's list, these were what perhaps bothered me the most: "you enjoy many of the same activities", "you have many of the same basic values". In retrospect, I really like spending time together with someone doing something related to sports or excercising, which was not at all like her. Of course, I'd do sports with friends and alone, but when it was always me who had to suggest even going for a nice walk ("ah, it's too late", "it's raining", "buffy's on tv") it got to me (and you can probably count the number of walks with one hand). There were also other things she did and say that were hardly fun for me.

 

In a relationship you have to give (more) and also receive to make it work. However, I'm certain that there are women out there who share more of the same interests and values than my ex and me. Yes, she is a very nice person, but our energy levels seemed to rarely meet after the initial "courtship phase", during which she'd go play sports with me or go to a game. I could also not always cope with some of the ways she acted and things she mentioned. I don't miss those times.

 

Now that she's in a new relationship, I'm letting her be and don't contact her anymore. The last time we talked over the phone about what we'd been up to, within two minutes I was thinking to myself "why did I call? She's not into this conversation and couldn't be bothered and I'm not exactly feeling joy myself". That was also a wake-up call. No use beating a dead horse and time to learn and stop thinking about that relationship. It won't happen again with this person.

 

So, what I'm trying to say is that perhaps it's jealousy, or the thought of possibly not meeting anyone as good as her ever again, that makes you partly want to try (yet) again with you ex. But however much you beat yourself and find fault in you (you have recognized those, like I also admit I was awful at times), there could be legitimate reasons for why you didn't feel comfortable in your relationship. Those can now be the things that could help you get over it.

 

She also deserves all the happiness in her new life. You analysed your own behaviour well, so I'm sure you'll learn from that (not all people recognise what they did wrong!) and become a happier person. It may mean concentrating on yourself now and letting her be. Hopefully things will be brighter in the future and you'll be in a happy relationship later on with someone special.

[g44]

"Yes, she is a very nice person, but our energy levels seemed to rarely meet after the initial "courtship phase", "

 

this is what always gets people in trouble...thinking that....it must feel the same, instead of seeing how things evolve....a relationship isn't static....if people stay in the 'courtship phase' u will never move on to more deeper and meaning experiences...yes, romance should stay and u should feel the same but life sometimes means taking out the garbage, making lunches, etc.

 

and i don't think someone hangs on to something because of jealousy...that might happen in a relationship but when u get older that emotion rarely surfaces...that's highschool stuff...

 

and as for my list...its not written in stone...its a guideline...no two people will like and do and want the same things...that would be boring

 

and people change...life changes us...and that should be embraced...i love change

[g44]

would marry u!

 

lol

 

u got it all right buddy!

 

stay kewl

[Speedway]

"Yes, she is a very nice person, but our energy levels seemed to rarely meet after the initial "courtship phase", "

 

this is what always gets people in trouble...thinking that....it must feel the same, instead of seeing how things evolve....a relationship isn't static....if people stay in the 'courtship phase' u will never move on to more deeper and meaning experiences...yes, romance should stay and u should feel the same but life sometimes means taking out the garbage, making lunches, etc.

...

and as for my list...its not written in stone...its a guideline...no two people will like and do and want the same things...that would be boring

 

Good points. I don't expect, nor would I want, that the relationship stays at the 'courtship phase' or feels like that forever. And yes, there were plenty of ordinary things going on which was good. Looking back at this specific issue I just realised what is important for me (to feel good in life, makes me feel loved) and how far I can compromise. It's just one of the traits like intimacy in a relationship. Some find it hard to live in a relationship if there's no/not enough hugging-kissing-holding hands-intimacy, I feel the life sucked out of me if I'm lying on a couch too much on my free time (my idea of quality time with a partner is bit different). And for me it would be nice to at least occasionally share things with my partner that are important to me. Like it's nice to share things that are important to her. There were fortunately other issues involved so it's not so black and white

 

Being too much alike can be boring, I agree.

 

And as Viper said, open and profound communication is the key to overcome potential problems. Write a letter, card, powerpoint presentation, sing, do whatever, to your partner if there's something bothering you and it's hard to just talk about it. That's one of the things I need to focus on more.

[g44]

was if something is important to your partner, it should be important to u

 

but

 

if it is not cimmunicated, how are u to know...and that;s why communication is so important

 

one last word...regarding romance and doing things that keep a relationship alive...

 

sometimes one partner relies on the other to do this all the time...like everything else, it must be shared equally...if one partner has been the one doing that for most of the time, and they stop doing it as much, there is nothing stopping the other person from taking the lead...

 

after all when u do that u know that the relationship is truly equal and u are not relying on the other to be your source of inspiration...and if u don't do that, it is easy to blame that person for something u could have easily done yourself....

 

50 / 50

[Siriana]

Yes you should completely stop seeing her, calling her etc. because she deserves better - you treated her awfully- it is time for you to improve yourself and learn what a relationship really is. Than when you learn all that - and it takes a loooooong time I suggest finding a new girl and treating her right.

Leave this girl alone, she suffered enough, and she needs a rest.

[g44]

i have done just that....and it is amazing because i have always accepted all the blame...i have never said once that she did anything mean, or hurtful to me on purpose. i always included both sides. and admitted every single thing, and went to places no person should ever go just because of love. and that's not to boast or make me sound better. how does one feel good about admitting to family, friends, a love, everyone effected and taking responsibility for things and openly, and not having a single person show compassion or understanding about how it must feel to have depression, addiction, abuse, shame all that tied to u like a noose - and simply because i tried to take care of too many things. that's not said to receive pity or to make me a martyr...it is said for understanding...which i really thought was not unreasonable...instead by being honest, it gets used against me and i am reminded that 43 years of honest living means nothing. and that is ok. mind games, miscommunication, one-sided tales of grief, nothing is wrong to sling my way. i am the poster boi to hang your hat on. and it has changed me completely. i will never stumble again and i will never believe in people so easily. and i will give my trust without question. no matter what. and it blows my mind that the people doing all this have actually gone thru similiar experiences, like depression, etc. so they would know what happens - but all that gets discounted. every single great thing never gets mentioned - only the stuff that went on for 6 months out of 4 years. no mention of anything positive thing i did without being asked but did because it was the right thing to do. but i gave up on that pony so long ago and still wanting to be civil because their are children involved. hate and hurt are evil demons inside people and i refuse to allow them inside my heart. so, enjoy to your pleasure. its ok.

[futured00d]

hi guys,

 

Thanks for all your input.

 

I am not sure what to do as yet....Im thinking of just calling her once in a while to see how shes going.

 

Thats it

 

As for getting back, the choice is hers.