need some advice about contacting ex

[colbysweet]

this sounds so weird to be calling him my ex.

just over a week ago my bf broke up with me.

i wont go into details.. as i have been doing this enough lately... but he didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't feel content with me anymore.

 

we are best friends, and due to our lifestyles we will be constantly bumping into each other.

 

we have talked online, but the conversation gets strained because all i want to talk about is the breakup. i can't help it. i am so used to be able to talk to him about anything i need, but i know it makes him uncomfortable. i realised though, that there is so much i need to talk to him about before i can start to move on. when we broke up it was very emotional and we didnt talk about things properly... like how we were going to see each other and stuff like that.

 

he told my friend he thought we needed to talk more, and he hoped to do it this weekend. so online i told him i thought if we were going to see each other around, we need to know there is nothing more to be said about the breakup, otherwise it's going to be too strained. he agreed, but didn't say anything about when.

 

i told him i wanted to speak to him before i was going to see him at university, as i want it to be sorted by then. university is next week. he didn't make any plans, so i told him it was up to him and left.

 

i am not going to go online to speak to him for at least a week, because i know talking to him about it online is doing none of us any good.

 

do you think i am right to see him just once, to talk things through proplerly? i really think it will help me to move on. he told me when we broke up that he would be here when i was ready, as i said i wasn't ready to be "friends" just now.

 

i don't want to seem pushy, but at the same time i really think it's necessary for me to start to grieve properly.

[hoppy26]

heres my advice.....ive been going through the same situation.

my girlfriend of 3 years left me. i wanted answers...reasons. all i got was a bunch of "i dont knows". she would say things in an attempt to make me feel better. in the end it lead me on to the road of confusion, hurt, and alot of un-trust. now.....heres the problem. i expected nothing but for this girl to respect my feelings and be honest with me. she gave me every line she could without saying the truth...."i just dont want to be with you anymore". it was obvious she didnt buy her actions.....but she insisted to tell me that she still loved me....never stopped loving me...so on and so on. your ex may do the same thing to you aswell in an attempt to protect your feelings. dont buy it!!!!! he left for a reason.....as harsh as it is. he simply doesnt want to be with you in that form of relationship. so you might ask.....how do we be friends? if he can be 100% honest with you then that is every reason to remain friends. becuase my ex choose the other route....i have no choice but to not want her as a friend. friends dont lie...and disrespect you. so with that ill say becarefull. maybe you need to create your own closure.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello ColbySweet

 

Reading your post, I felt i needed to go over again to be sure i read it right the first time, because although he broke up with you, you make it sound as if it was mutual.

 

It seems to me you still havent grasped the gravity of the situation. Yes, maintaining a friendly relationship with an Ex is a civil way to live life, this can happen most effectivly after one has completely healed.

 

Its easier for the party that did the breaking up, because in their mind they have been preparing for that moment and were reasoning for it over a period of time. As for the one that got hit with the surprise, its a whole different matter.

 

Its "could" happen that he may decide, through your "talks" that he made a mistake in leaving you, My fear is that your living on that hope. and could be setting yourself up for even a greater suffering later.

 

My advice is that you have your talk with him, say what you need to say, and then take a very big break, no chatting, no e-mails, nada, 1 week is not enough. concentrate on your school work etc. if you pass him in the hallway, smile say hi. and continue as you would do other people you know.

 

By the way, if you really want him back, the above is the best way, because if he still has feelings for you, he will come after you and make his move, the worst thing you can do is talk about the break up and try and convince them of how much you love them, and that they are making a mistake etc. that just pushes them away. believe me it does.

 

Take some time off from dating, reflect, cry if need be, heal, its all normal. but remember this, It is over for now! he doesnt want you now!, it hurts i know. but also know that this doesnt mean YOU did anything wrong, or that your a bad person, He has hurt you whether you feel hurt now or not, and this is something you come to grips with.

 

Its hard to be angry with the person you love and still have hopes of being back in your life.

 

good luck.

[kahlua07]

It's funny how so many people go through the same things... I've bumped into my ex (who broke up with me over a week ago) practically every day even when I try to stay as far away as possible. I knew he worked out around 4pm, we used to go together, so I changed my work out to 6pm. He was just leaving when I went yesterday and he looked happy to see me and hugged and updated me about his life, while I kept my part brief. It's hard because he lives down the road, has the same interests, and goes to the same college w/ the same major. Summer school is over now though, so things will change up a little. In fact, I'm afraid of what I'm going to fill my time up with, this is a college town and there are limited things to do. Anyway, I just never bring up the relationship/break up when I do bump into him and I act cool and casual... it may seem like a front but it's the only way if you dont want to push the other person away when they're not ready to talk about it. I strongly believe that if he really loves me and sees what he's missing, he will come back to me and want to put effort into working things out... and if he doesn't come to this realization, it wasn't meant to be. I think that people can still love each other but not necessarily love the relationship, he would say he wasn't completely happy with the relationship but he definitely loved me very much. We're young, he's 23 soon and I'm 21... things are constantly changing and there isn't much stability yet. If things don't work out, there's someone else out there that's better for us, or maybe things will work out later but not right now. I was surprised when he broke up with me, but like Gilgamesh said, he was probably contemplating it before - I know why though, and I'm learning from it and trying to overcome things within myself that caused a lot of unecessary fights. Learn, grow.... so you can have a happy healthy relationship with this person or someone else when the time comes. Remember, be strong and you are your own person, things will work out for the best - good luck!