Boyfriend is working nights and believe he's talking to his ex ONCE AGAIN!!!!

[asianlkp22]

In our relationship our main problem is his ex and that's it. He's the one that brings it back into our relationship. I do not know why it is like that, but it is. I love him dearly....and I truly want to believe that he loves me too, well, he's shown me that he loves me by taking care of my needs and my daughters as well. About three months ago, I caught him, he called his ex, when he was drunk/under the influence, he called her and talked to her for 30 minutes, he says he doesn't remember calling her or either conversating with her, but i believe he does, it too me two weeks to decide whether to stay with him or not.....I decided to stay with him after him begging me not to leave him that he is sorry but he truly doesn't remember. So I forgave, not FORGOTTEN, but forgave. I haven't brought it up and niether has he......things got better, and what not, then all of the sudden we had money problems and what not, and the stress was on him, so he tripped on me hard.....saying that he wanted to leave me because he couldn't take the stress, and he believes that I am sending money to my ex husband in jail that's why I don't have money.....it went on and on.....he truly wanted to leave me because of this MONEY stress...which I know we had talked not to let that be an issue anymore....

 

Two weeks later, he tells me that he's working nights for 6 weeks 6 days out of the week..... I know for a fact that he's going to work, because he calls me from his work phone, and he calls me three times throughout the night......we talked about this all first, he was very considerate of how I would feel about him working nights, I did tell him that it was okay, that I'll be fine, guess I was wrong.....thoughts starts to go wondering....and I dont' like it......he even was tempted to not work nights because he didn't want me to go out to the clubs with my my friends, and he didn't want me to do anything without him while he's at work, which is great, it made me feel good that he cares wants to be with me if I go anywhere, which I am the same way with him......Things are going well, just my mind is messing with me....I need some help to ease my mind.....

 

this past week was our first week, ...I have it in my mind that he's calling her while he's at work, because I am sleeping at home and he needs someone to talk to or whatever the reason is....he's with me every second he's not working....calling her is cheating.....so I know this is childish, but I did it....I started to call her private.....she would say things like, aren't you supposed to be working right now, like she knows he's working nights.....and also, if you claim you still love me, leave me alone so I can be happy, I have moved on so you need to move on.....this is her thinking its him calling her...then again, she says again, i don't know who this is but stop calling me.....so I dont' know what to believe....you know.

 

He's probably not calling her, but why would she say that....you know.....???HELP!

 

She's a coniving person, and a kind of person that you dont' know what is the truth or not.....so you don't know what to believe. But there gots to be some truth in it, right???

 

So my question is, should I bring up the fact that I have this feeling inside of me that he's talking to her again? I don't want to be the one to bring her up.....I want to know...you know?? this is bothering me a lot.....I hope he's not calling her....I just want to trust him and find out for sure that he's not calling her......what should I do????

[chai714]

Calling her is one thing but lying about it is another.

 

IMO, it's ok to keep in contact with an ex sporadically. No late night calls though and it should be spaced out, however I will not regulate. Remember, at the beginning of all relationships you're building a foundation in which trust is one key component. I'm not sure you ever trusted him.

 

The problem you have with him isn't necessarily his ex but his lying to you about it. You're going to need to loosen the noose on his neck and let him have some freedom though and show that you trust him. Your insecurities are making you do irrational things such as calling her. Calling her is only making you feel worse about the situation so cut that out.

 

I think you can help your cause by appearing more secure. Let him know, "hey, if you want to call her that's fine. Just don't lie about it. And if you do lie about it and I find out, then there will be consequences."

[asianlkp22]

yes, I have told him about that.....He knows that I will eventually find out if he does contact her at all......so that's no question right there....he knows there will be consequences but I truly believe that if he's not sleeping with her, he's not doing anything wrong....I just don't want him to make me look like a fool. what worries me is that he's probably telling her that he still loves her or what not.....blah...blah.....

 

I know what you mean, be secure it will be better.

 

I know about letting him go free to trust him again....but it's very hard......I can't even have him with a cell phone because I don't trust him with a cell phone......he knows that....and accepts that and he said he won't have a phone to regain my trust with him.....when it comes to going out, we have fun together, and love doing things together.....that's not the issue.

 

It's me because he's lost my trust with him and because of her, so it's always in my mind....I just want her to be out of our lives and everything will be okay.......

 

I know he loves me......because he wouldn't be including me in his future in five years.....how he's working to make more money for the both of us, not just him......

 

Yes, him lying about it and doing it.....and what not..she knows who I am, and we all know basically the same people, so she has a tendency to lie to make herself look good and make me look bad because his dumb * * * would call her.......

 

I don't know.....I just seriously need to get her out of my mind and STOP...for real, if I want to continue with him.

 

But I question myself, should I stay with him if I keep feeling this way about him.....??? Will I ever trust him again.....will he ever get a cell phone and me trust him with it????

[asianlkp22]

Chai, you are right....it's all his lying that's getting to me......it's like he can't stop lying to me...I don't know what to believe....

 

I have told him several times, to leave me if he's going to continue lying to me.....if he wants contact with her so badly why dont he just get back with her and he can have it all the time....why put me through this stress???

 

my daughter is calling him dad now, and this is why it is so hard for me to leave....I believe if it can be fixed, stick with it, but if I keep having these thoughts and he's not really doing much to keep it out of my mind, I don't know what to do?

[chai714]

You've restricted his freedom by not allowing him to have a cell phone. Anytime you restrict someone's freedom, you limit their choices or options. And when someone senses that their options have become less, it produces anxiety or fear.

 

Restricting his freedom makes you appear like a controlling, insecure woman. And please know that your problem does not lie with this other woman. I don't care of she's on the top 10 FBI's most wanted or a nun - the problem is not her. It lies within you and your boyfriend and trust. That leash you have around your boyfriends neck is getting too tight.

 

Have you ever met a kid whose parents keep him sheltered and keep him from experiencing all that life has to offer? These kids are typically controlled and put under a microscope and criticized daily by their parents. What happens to these children? They rebel. The minute they get a taste of freedom, they rebel. I'm not saying all of them but many do. All because the parents didn't trust their child enough and wanted to keep their child "under control."

 

So, what I'm saying is be fair about this and be reasonable. Him not being to have a cell phone is absurd. Think about this. Look at your neighbors, look at your co-workers. Are they restricting their significant others so much that they won't allow them to have a cell phone?

 

Examine your relationship and yourself and decide if you want to be the controlling, insecure girlfriend. Because I don't think you want to be. You probably want to be happy, secure and have a trusting, loving relationship. Right? Think about this.

[asianlkp22]

Yes, that's how I want to be.....I am insecure about our relationship, not in myself.

 

I am not letting him have a cell phone, I had mentioned to him that I can't trust him with a cell phone, we have two inciddents already where he promised not to talk to her and he did and I have cell phone bills to prove it.....anyway, I mentioned it to him, and he chose not to have one to make me trust him again.

 

I told him if we go separately out somewhere, make sure he goes with someone that I trust and he said the same for me, but lately we haven't been wanting to do anything away from each other. So that's great......In his past relationship, it was like that, he went out whenever he wanted and she did too.....and he ended up cheating on her, and she was sleeping around, his ex wife, he did the same, he kept going out by himself had all the freedom, and he cheated on her, and couldn't be together because she was very very controlling.

 

I don't feel that I am very controlling with him at all.......I don't make him stay with me at home, or make him do things my way......he has his own mind.......the cell phone issue was a mutual agreement....

 

We have a home phone at home, which I just hooked up, of course I was like, OMG, he's going to call her when I am at work....but I chose to have it because I know I had to allow things to be able to trust him again.

 

It is the ex issue and my insecurities in the relationship, and it doesn't help any when he continues to call her, knowing that it hurts me and upsets me....if he would just stop, i would and I know it would.....

 

so I am trying to figure out a way to get her out of my mind and his......