Breaking up but living together - HELP!

[in_flux]

Anyone have any thoughts on how to deal with a breakup when you live with someone and neither party is able to leave temporarily or permanently for a little while?

 

My girlfriend, who's been living with me for the past 2 years (we've known each other for 2.5 years), broke up with me a couple of days ago -- got the whole "i'm just not feeling the relationship...," 'It kills me to hurt you...," "I still care about you...," "Maybe when I'm older..." cliches, which kind of made me laugh inside but at the same time I was exceptionally upset in the moment and definitely shed a few tears. Here's the problem -- neither one of us has anywhere to go stay, even temporarily (in fact, the idea hasn't even come up). our relationship has been the kind where we don't really have a lot of external friends, we've always sorta kept to ourselves, we're not super social people, so there's not like that one friend either one of us can run to for support or temporary housing. And given our financial situation, neither one of us can afford to move out and get our own place right now, it might take a couple of months.

 

So here I am, downstairs in the bedroom while my ex is upstairs on her computer, chatting away to a bunch of friends on this webcam program (and, as she admitted to me the day we broke up, flirting with other guys. This is part of the reason she broke up--she felt sexually attracted to other people, so she took that as a sign our relationship was toast) ... I kinda feel like a chump, and I'm also trying, as best as possible, to avoid her, to get out of the house as much as possible (going to the gym, riding my bike, doing some of my work at a local coffeeshop or cafe, etc.) ... basically trying to get over it, and of course, the emotional part of me semi-hoping she'll realize she's made a mistake and will change her mind (tho the rational side of me knows this will likely not happen) ... it's weird tho, the same night she broke up with me, like 10 hours later she comes to bed and goes, "I'm not sure I made the right decision" and "You make it hard for me to leave," but then the past couple of days she's not said anything to that effect and she's on the computer until 4 in the morning when she's not at work. meanwhile i have been pretty distant and remote. i can hardly look at her and when we are around each other in the apt. i don't really talk to her and i sorta brush past her. i'm not cooking for her anymore (i used to ALL the time) and just kinda letting her know that if this is what she wants, then she can't depend on me for all the little things she used to. i don't know if all of that is being immature and petty but it seems like the only way to avoid being walked all over.

 

ANYWAYS, so have any of you been in this kind of situation? what did you do? what would you recommend doing?? any advice/thoughts would be much appreciated!!! [/i]

[TearsofaDragon20]

well thats quite a spot to be in. well it's going to be hard to deal with considering that she's in the same apt. as you are. if she's telling you that she's feeling regret in what she did and then not say anything else after, that right there is a sign of a head game coming up. those are nothing you need to deal with. if she truly feels that she did something bad then she would talk to you about it and make some sort of agreement that you both can come down to. if she's not caring and blowing you off then just keep doing what your doing. because then she will try to see if she can control you. which will lead to as if something doesnt work out with the guy she may like, she may feel that since she was toying around with you she can come back to you for support and comfort. so talk to her if she doesnt want to talk then right there is where you should let if go and be on your different ways from each other. i hope i was some help and let us know how things went with this.

[John Blaze]

I'm sorry to hear that you and your lady broke up

I was in the same situation in June living with my girl while broken up it is very hard at the end I had enough and moved out. At first she going to play head games with you like acting like everything is ok on moment then the next treating you like dirt next will come the staying gone till she wants to come home even if she knows it late she stay later just to make you wonder what's going on then she start treating you like a stranger in the house at the end you say to yourself it better just to leave then be unhappy in your own home

[jilted]

wow. sounds exactly like me. was in a relationship for 2 years. living together for one year. and after breakup living together for 4 months. my honest advice. ask her to leave period. or else u move out....otherwise u r setting yourself up for unimaginable hurt later on. my girlfriend (ex) said the same thing that she didnt have enough money she would be alone blah blah .... see whats happening is she is builiding up courage to really go while on the other end u r hoping that things will turn around. remember they rarely do..... or else we wont have this forum ...... dont make your life a living hell. there is nothing wrong with u. and there are lots of good people out there who will stick it out to the end with u.....

 

or else u know what will happen... one fine day she will really leave. and then the reality will hit u... that she is not coming back... and then u will kick yourself for not having done this earlier on.....

[in_flux]

thanks for all the words of advice, they definitely help .... here's what happened tonight:

 

she came home from work and was like, i'm gonna start looking for a studio apartment ... so she's planning on moving out really soon. and then it hit me for sure that there is no doubt in her mind that she really wants to break up for good. i was definitely thinking there was that little chance ... you know how the mind works ... but even she said that the other night when she said 'I don't know if I'm making the right decision," she was just trying to find some way to make the pain go away for both of us, but she knew in her heart that the right thing to do was to end it. so obviously tonight i'm feeling it the hardest, and it really sucks, and i feel incredibly alone and upset, but what can i do? i've been here before, so i just have to rely on the fact that i got through it then and i can do so now. this time is harder tho because i really believed in this relationship, really felt a strong bond and now that is gone.

 

so she said she wants to find a place pretty close by, because she definitely wants to be near me and hang out with me and see our puppy, which i'm going to keep (altho all of that would happen after like a couple weeks of just not being in touch with each other at all, just to sort of deal with the adjustment). her basic issue, which she explained to me, is that she just can't live with someone and that she needs to be on her own in her own place being alone because she's never been truly independent. and living with me, even though she told me tonight that she still feels SOMETHING for me, just not the way she used to, that it's gotten oppressive because she doesnt feel like she can ever truly be herself. and that she's been feeling this way for a while but silently trying to give it a chance. i don't know if the friends thing is going to happen, i guess i'll have to try it and see ... her mom and a couple of her friends were even like, are you sure you don't want to give it more time, are you sure you want to make this decision? but she seems pretty resolute that this is what she wants to do.

 

i really never thought this would happen to us, but then again neither did anyone else who's posted to this site, right? i just feel so horribly sad about it, i've never been so close to another human being, and i've had other long-term relationships, this one was by far the best and the most real ... i don't know how i am going to get past this crushed feeling, i know i will, but right now it is making me sick to my stomach. i wish like 5 years could pass tonight and i would feel better about it, but i just have to tough it out. the day she moves out is going to be the worst day of my life, and i am absolutely dreading it. and i will not deny that there is a substantial part of me that thinks that once she has some time away from me and makes the other parts of her life better, she'll miss me and realize she can have me AND a better life. but i know the reality is that once she makes her life better, she won't want to return to the past, even if i might be the best guy she could ever be with. and if she doesnt make her life better, then she would only be coming back to me for the wrong reasons and that would be even worse in the long run for both of us. i dunno, it's all so confusing and messed up and i feel so much desperation, like i would do anything to not have this happen, like it's a total nightmare, but it's so so so real. anyways, thanks a lot to anyone who is reading this or anyone who's had any words of advice, it helps in some little way to know that i'm not the only person in the world who has felt such terrible sadness and rejection and loneliness.