will she ever come back to me???

[kajtek]

Well,first of all,I have to say this is a good site to express your feelings and get support.I was preatty amazed when i was searching through the post,how many people reply to some other people problems...amazing and it is great to feel you are not alone and someone feel your pain.keep it up!

 

 

Ok here it is...my problem...issue...life...

I've been with the same girl(she is ukrainian and i am polish by the way)for 5 years now,We have a house,lovely big doggie,cars and good jobs at the moment.I'm 28,she is 23,so there is not a big age difference between us,i guess.

One month ago my gf went to Seattle to see her family for a week.Went camping with her brother,his gf and...his roomaid for 4 days.(guy has a wife and 2 kids in russia,he is 36 half bold well educated guy being here illegaly working as a contractor installing hw floors).I know they all had a good time,i saw the pictures when she cameback,but...the truth is the person i ever loved never cameback at all!!!She has changed so drasticly in a week being there that I don't recognize her anymore.On the first day whe she flew back from seattle she was crying and pushing me to marry her otherwise she would leave me.I told her i wasn't ready for next step yet and that was it.Then she became cold for a few days but everything came back to normal.Then she told me that her mother was very ill and she needed to go back to seattle for 3 months to help her out and have some time for herself to think thighs through on her own...without me.

I know she left her parents for me when she was 18.I took her into my house,helped her with her career and opened her eyes at the world and how cruel it could be out there.She followed all my counceling and listened to my preaching...always.She grew up to be a good woman...And then all of sudden I lost my job,3 cars,my place and became financialy and emotionaly unstable for 1 year.She was there for me all the time.She helped me regain my dignity and my life.We bought new house and started new life.yes,he had some heated words and fights in our relationship,but who never had thosd days?We loved each other a lot,until about a month ago...My life turned into hell!

I did not trust her about Seattle and started spying on her.I bugged my pc with keylogger that she had no idea about.I discovered the cruel truth.Pictures of 36 years old guy at first and ,of course,I asked her about him-she said he is just a good friend,her brothers'roomaid and when she is going to move to seattle she would stay with both of them under the same roof,becouse her parents are very sensitive and will not allow her to go out and smoke.I did not like that idea at all and told her if she will do that I don't want her to comeback to me anymore...she understood.

Then i've found...2 love letters that she wrote to him 5 days ago in her email.Words so powerfull that I was chocking wher reading it(it's a shame she copy and pasted everything out of the book she has found on the net hehehe) and I started raising the hell.She told me she doesn't love him at all and tried to lie to me and said that those letters were for a girl who was living together with her brother and that guy but had no email,that is why sha had to send them to him.I did no believe her at all!Then she said she did send them to him...We broke up...for a couple of days I was ok with it,but the biggest issue was that she was and will be staying with me until october 21 due to school which she cannot transfer to Seattle.Then we started to talk about our belongings...all the things we share.She said she want to sell the dog,leave everything for me and....stop paying for the house so bank could foreclosure on it!!??It is a crazy idea.House is under her name and her credit will be damaged big time,but she just doesn't care anymore and I cannot take care of everything myself.Selling is not an option right now.We are still in the middle of adding second story to it,so noone will buy it like that before the winter.

She said she wants to go...Told me she rather be with married man than me in my eyes when I confronted her about him again...She knows and her cousin had try to talk to her about this guy(he knows him and said it will never happen and never last)but she did not care...

Today we went for a conversation into the park and we started to talk.Turned out she has been talking to this guy,chocking down depression pills and going through some counceling on the phone every 2 days with the therapist.She told me in the face that she doesn't want anymore relationships with no one ever again,she wants to have one night stands only,so nobody will get attached to her and she won't hurt no one else like she hurted me.She told me that she has been trying to change who she really was for the past 2 years,but couldn't do it and failed.Told me that she never cheated on me,but had a thoughts and fantasies about other man.Told me that she doesn't know how she feels about that 36 year old guy either but thought about talking him into divorcing his wife and being with her only and only so she could dump him later on.She told me that this is something that she likes to do...take advantage of the guy and dump him later one last time before she will start living her single life,like she stated.Than she told me she just wanted to sleep with him once.I could not believe what I've heard!!!I was shocked and bursted with tears...begged her not to say those things anymore!She started to cry as well but nothing has changed and that was her final decision about her life.She said that I was a very good man and she doesn't deserve me after what she did and lied to me.I told her I will forgive her and help her to get through this but she refused.I begged her to stay with me and she said if I won't let her go she would go and have sex with enybody just to hurt me and help me to hate her and kick her out of my life forever.She told me that even if I told her to cameback from Seattle like she wanted me to do,she wouldn't.She said that was a lie as well just to keep me of her back until she is ready to go there,so I wouldn't beg her to stay with me.

I am devastated and have no life left in me at all.I had nothing to eat 6 days right now...only water and started throwing up with blood today.She heard me in the bathroom downstairs and ran to me and started to cry.Told me she doesn't want to see me that way and is worried about me.She told me she still has feeling for me but not like before.The "butterflies"in her stomach are long gone and there is nothing she can do about it.She is a bad person.I told her this is not true!You are a good person but you have to find the right path in life.Then she helped me to lay down on my bed and she sat nex to me crying for one hour...

I cannot go on without her,so we decided to fake our relationship for next 2 months,so I wouldn' hurt so bad anymore.I know all you guys will sai"don't do it" but I just want to feel real love again,be hugged and kissed while she is still here and not to think about it until she will go...

The word that she said today just killed me...She said even if we were married and had kids she would go and cheat behind my back.She said that this is what kind of a person she is and she cannot help it..Can you believe it?Someone is telling you those bad thigs? Would you believe that person?is this truth?I cannot believe it and my choice is not to believe it.I know nobody in the world that would say those things...she is the first one,I guess.

Please all the good people out there help me get through this difficult time,help me understand and guide me..please....I cannot live like this...what shall I do?What must I do?I need you.......how do I win her back?

[LostAngel]

Hi kajtek

 

I know this must be the hardest thing for you. But you need to start realising that You deserve so much better than this. I know probably anything that I or anyone on here is going to say to you right now will not matter but please think of how much she is hurting you. If you don't start stepping back now & see what she is doing it is only going to get more & more harder & when she leaves, you will be a reck & alot worse than you are feeling now.

 

You need to make her realise that you are worth so much more & that you are not going to allow her to just do these things to you & that you are NOT just going to accept it.

 

If you do stay by her side & carry on givng her attention & intamcy, keep begging and keep saying you are going to forgive her she is going to keep thinking it is okay to do this to you. She is slowly losing respect for you.

 

Please just look inside yourself. STOP and see what she has doing. You need to stop the begging and showing your weakness. You need to show her your strength & maturity. Make her see you need to be treated with love & respect. Walk away with your head up & make her see what a great thing she is losing.

 

I'm not sure if I'm helping but I hope you begin to think & see that you are worth alot more than she thinks.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[TheRock]

Lost Angel is correct in her advice.

It is not easy to believe that someone you love is doing this, but you should listen to what she is saying. This girl's feelings for you have changed dramatically and not for the better. The only thing you can do is stand up for yourself and your own dignity by not letting her treat you poorly. You would be better off cutting her off when she she treats you poorly. It might not save the relationship, but it will save your dignity. it will also give her more respect for you.

That will feel much better to you in the long-term. You are good enough to find someone who truly cares for you, and some who truly cares for you wont treat you this way.

Good luck.

[hulk7280]

why would you want to win her back? the person that you fell in love with is not there anymore.. the person that is living in your house is just resembles the person you fell in love with it ISNT her. i have gotten * * * *ed over a lot b4.. but never has a girl said to me .. even if we do get married i would just cheat on you??? * * *? there is no saving this one.

[jenny_mcs]

I know she left her parents for me when she was 18.I took her into my house,helped her with her career and opened her eyes at the world and how cruel it could be out there.She followed all my counceling and listened to my preaching...always.

 

Well, this is the problem when you treat someone as a child that you will "instruct" and "guide". Children eventually grow up, and rebel, and want an independent life. You seem to have established a very parent/child relationship with this woman, and it is not surprising that eventually that was not going to work anymore.

[kajtek]

thank you for so much adwice...please keep 'em coming....i need all the help i can get right now and you have been through this before already and know how to act and handle this situation.no matter what i told her there is no coming back if she leaves me.she will loose it all or....gain more perhaps...but like she told me herself the butterflies in her stomach are long gone and she wants to move on with her life...try something new...i was trying to control her life for a long time and she was sad about it i guess that's why she has found somebody so she could talk to and lean on,but that turned into deeper feelings and she is fallowing her heart in this situation...i don't blame her for doing it but i don't want her pitty as well.it is not ok to do these things to someone you love and if you do you wouldn't leave that person in the first place right?i went through denial,anger,grivence and now ...acceptance...this is the way is going to work for the best...

[kajtek]

wow no it finnaly hit me!!after reading and contemplating a lot and backtracking our relatioship it finnaly hit me!!!she is not at fault at all...i did not see it coming.it is me who screwd up such a great relatioship,not her.i have been changing my mind constantly and could not come up with ideas and stick with them,i misstreated her(called her few heated names)abused her(never hit her)mentaly,i never listened to her problems(f.e when she was coming back from work i told her not to even speak of it to me),i never shoved her my feelings nor hughed her nor kissed in front of my mother(she must've felt like she just got hit with tons of bricks),i've chosen my mother many times over her in the past,told her i will move out and stay with my mom instead of her,i wanted to leave her and broke up many times for silly reason just to see her cry and even after that i felt that i was right.she worked and helped me financialy for one year when i had no job without any fun nor going out she was working 2 jobs at the time to put things together so we could be happy...i never saw it that way.i was sitting at home doing basicaly nothing and my baby was trying so hard.i told her so many bad things...criticized her all the time(the way she looked or was dressed)i never listened to her feelings what was on her heart nor gave her advice about the situations she had to go through.she left her parrents...her life for me and i took her heart out threw it on the ground and stomped on it...she was very strong and never shoved it to me.she said she had try to talk to me,but i wasn't listening to her...never....she is a young preatty girl and she knew she could find somebody else...she had no social nor private life with me at all .i was always there watching her and telling her what to do.she never made choice on her own regardless of situation.she always conforted me(even in bed) without asking for more.I hardly or never took her out to have fun...NOW I KNOW SHE IS NOT AT FAULT AT ALL!!!!!!PLEASE,GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO HER!!!!!!ALL THOSE NASTY THINGS....WILL SHE EVER FORGIVE ME?I DON'T BLAME HER FOR DOING WHAT SHE HAS DONE...SHE WAS LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO LEAN ON AND WANTED TO BE HAPPY AND MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY AND I DID NOT SEE IT....NOW,I HAVE ABOUT ONE MONTH LEFT TO TURN THE THIGNS AROUND...SHE HAS LOST WILL TO WORK THINGS OUT AND I KNOW SHE NEEDS SPACE(WE DO STUFF TOGETHER NOW LIKE GOING TO MOVIES AND RESTAURANTS ALLTHOUGH SHE ASKED FOR SPACE REGARDLESS WE DO THINGS TOGETHER BUT HER FEELINGS ARE JUST NOT THERE ANYMNORE).how do i turn back the time how do i change what i've done how do i proove my love and make her believe i can be a better man?i know she wants to go to seattle(we're in mn)to be with her sick mother and i should respect that but i cannot help myself ony can see her with that older guy being in love and her livin'it up to the fullest)how can i trust her she won't do those things?i know she has no intention of coming back to mn,but my gut tells me that she still has felling left for me(she said she doesn't know herself how she feels about me that is why she wants to go and find herself again...who she is a wants to be in life)she is ready well she already gave up on our dog,house and she takes leave of absense from work for 3 months just to keep medical...i confronted her and she told me she wants to have a better life a different lifestyle and don't want me to be part of it at all...i knew she was a good girl that is why i could not believe what i heard in the park when she told me all those nasty things she wanted to do.i knew it's not like her to be doin'it.turned out she wanted me to hate her so it would be easier for me to let her go...she did not want me to suffer,she did not want to see me being in pain ,,,that is why she did it to still protect me from myself after what i've done to her...she is a very good person and to find one like that it would take a lifetime or longer to find somebody not even close to her...she is irreplaceble...she is beautiful,she is inteligent and carring...she just lost the sense and meaning of life and needs to get back on track...i know hungry dogs(men)will see it and try to take advantage of it and hurt my babygirl...just rip her piece by piece...i cannot alow that to happen i would blame myself for it for the rest of my life....please help me fix things between us what i must do now?how to make her stay with me and believe me again?i love her so much,i cannot go on without her anymore...please any advice for a bad,bad man that was blind......

[kajtek]

viper isaw your posts...they are very simmilar and you had to go through this already..how did you do it????heeeeelp meeeeee.....

[kajtek]

we had a bottle of sky vodka today and watchen a good ol movie with Pacino...we talked a little as well.she told me she is struggling a lot right now but the pills she has been taking(4 pils 3 times a day)make her to forget and not to think about us so much...i know she is still thinking a lot 'cuz she hasn't sent out her packages yet(she is not even pack yet has only 4 little boxes in bedroom).car is not ready for the trip and the dog is still home.she told me she will always remember me then we hughed 3 times...passion hugh type of a thing...i looked into her eyes and she knew i wanted to kiss her but she turned around said good night and shut the door behind her...i told her i don't want her to hurt me nor herself anymore and i need her to leave as soon as posiibl.did i do the right thing by saying it?didn't i push to much?i know she doesn't like to talk about us anymore and she is asking me not to ask questions anymore...everytime i ask or say something her reply is pushing,please stop"how shoud i take it and understand?balance of power?does she still have a conflict with herself,weather go or stay with me?what should i do?obvieusly i cannot go NC on her due to situation(we still live together for at least a month,and i know she still wants to do things together,but her mind hasn't change at all ...she still wants to go...is she trying to see how am i gonna take it?does she believe i can change?whay is she stillstaying with me?she told me she still needs more money and some other things that she has to take care of before she leaves.should i believe that?how to act?what to do?what to believe?should i keep talking to her about us or should i just give her a good time?or should i just go down the basement and stop talking to her at all?please hear me howl!!!my heart is crying and looking for answears...help me try to understand her and what is she trying to do?what would be the best aproach in this situation?did i do the right thing by telling her to move out sooner then she planned?(originaly she wanted to leave on october22 after her school test but i said no to it a couple of days ago becouse of my feelings)...

[Rickster]

Maybe you should refrain her from taking those pills. It might be affecting her badly.

You situation is kind of similar to mine. My ex told me that she had lost feelings for me, and that if I came back from England it would not help (long story). She kept telling me that she doesn't love me anymore, and she turned out to hate me after the things I did. I experienced the exact opposite of her personality during those days. She changed a lot, and I couldn't cope with how much she had changed, I couldn't recognise her inner beauty anymore. She tells me she smokes infrequently, and that really hurt me, since she was the one who agreed she disliked smoking in the first place. Even till now, I still don't understand the entire situation. The reaons why she did it, or was she already that person before i got with her. I guess I'll never ever find out, but it does keep me thinking about it. I wonder whether it was me or her, or whether it could have been her new bf that has changed her.

But I think the reason why this woman is probably saying these things is because she is confused, and pressured. Maybe you should give her time to think about things, and if she really thought about what was best for her, she would realised what you have given her and whether it makes her happy. Leave her to do what she wants now, give her the space, and she won't say things at the heat of the moment. I can hardly believe that she has totally changed from one person to the exact opposite. You could say that people change over time. But they still have a core which they live by.

[kajtek]

thank you for these words....i will try my best to give her space but it is very hard when that person is coming to my bed and falling to sleep huging me...i don't get it nor understand it fully?what is going on?what is that she wants me to see or do?does she still feel anything for me?if does what is it then?how to make her fall in love with me again?heeeeellllp!!!!

[kajtek]

i know i have about one month left before she is gone forever out of my life...i cannot focus nor concentrate on anything anymore...i just want her to be happy and i don't want to loose her at the same time....this is such a weird feeling when you know you are helpless...i tried to bring back memories,take her out ,have a ttalk about is,but all what hear from her is"don'tpush it!"is she trying to think about us even though she doesnt show that externally?is there still some kind of a conflict in her head righ not weater she should stay or go?i cannot tell!!!!she doesn't show me anything....please anybody with advice or experience in this psychological phenomen(woman brain) hel me????

[moonflowers]

Wow... this sounds really tough. Hang in there.

 

IMO, the single best thing you can do for yourself now is to detach from her - that is, to tell her, yes, you still care for her, but you will not let every little thing she does control your life. You are going to stand up for yourself, let her go do what she wishes, and start living only for yourself. If you do not let go, and put some distance between you and her, there is no opportunity for change.

 

The next step I recommend is to learn about codependency and why it leads to unhealthy relationships. Here's something I learned from reading about codependency that I thought was very powerful. In the Karpman Drama Triangle of Rescuer, Persecutor, and Victim, if you choose to play one of these roles, you will eventually play all three of them.

 

Your relationship with her, from what you described, sounds very much like a caretaking relationship. In those relationships, one partner tries to "control"/"rescue" the other person, who is the "victim," and make the other "indebted" to them in an attempt to guarantee that the other won't ever leave them. Unfortunately, these attempts to keep someone often turn out to drive them away, and the "rescuer" becomes the "victim," while the former "victim" becomes the "persecutor." etc.

 

The only way out is to break the cycle - to stop being a "rescuer," to stop trying to control someone or the situation, and detach. It is hard. It will not come overnight. But if you can learn to let go, it will probably improve things with her in the short term, and all of your future relationships in the long run.

 

Sorry for going on so long... hope it helps.

[Tshwane]

kajtek i suggest you move out. Dnt you have friends or relatives you can visit till she leaves. Being in that house with her will only destroy you. Get out of there please!

[kajtek]

well,we had a loong conversation and turned out that she is not in love with me anymore....she told me she doesn't love me anymore but she cares for me and don't want me to be hurt that is why she decided to stay with me 2 years ago and tried to work things out...but i never saw that ine coming she never told me that until now,when she decided to move to different state and is trying to tell me that nothing is going to happen with the man i caugh her exchanging pictures and sending love letters(can you believe nothing will happen while they live together?yeah right)she says that she needs to sort things out and move on with her life and doesn't want me to wait for her,'cuz she in unsure if she'll be back and if so,how long it will take her to do so.My best guess is that she is not telling me the whole truth.I think she wants to try to be with this guy first(read my first post)just to see if he can be better than me in many things and then maybe,maybe she will come back to me if she is borrend or really missing things we had(5 years together,living together for 3)she says she wants to be single again and wants to date other people as well(i cannot get an image of her having sex with other male...please help to extingus this thought in my head).she said she wants to be happy and make someone happy...how can i impove everything between us righ now?(she started already sending her stuff out).one thing i cannot forgive her(not 100%)is not telling me the truth about how she felt about us for 2 years!if we had this conversation,we could've moved on or fixed things between us.she is telling me this guy is "still"just a friend and if things will happen,she will follow hew heart.is she trying to tell me she will go for it if chance arise?how can i stop her from doing it?would you even take or even fought for a woman like this if you were in my shoes???she is loosing good job,house,dog,besically all good life she had just to"find"herself?i don't believe it at all!i am 99%sure she wants to be with this guy,and the worts part is her brother approves it...(remember that guy is married with 2 kids, yeard old)when i asked about what is it that she likes about him so much,she said he has principals and never changes his mind(despite the fact that she knows him for a month out of which she saw him for 6 days only)is she blind?complete idion or really in love with him?i know if this guy wanted to cheat on his wife,he would've long time ago not even waithing for my girl to come to him,but he never did.what shoud i expect?what is going to happen?will she reconsider before or after getting hurt and finnaly comeback to me(if i will not move on by then)she is going in three weeks,afgter than i will stay NC all the time and see what is going to happen.anybody,please let me know your opinion about the situation and what is in my girls head right now?i told her i will let her go already and she thanked me for it...didi i di the right thing?i cannot fight for her anymore...i've fought for 2 months day and night and she still hasn't change her mind...or maybe she really doesn't love me anymore and everything is (or have been for the past 2 years)already lost?how to regain her love how to prove that i am valuable person to myslef now?how to convince her to comeback or even stay with me?i am out of ideas ........please good people...hel me heal myself and my love...

[kajtek]

i am confussed as of right now....she has been asking me not to talk about her moving anymore,yet she is sending out everything to seattle.than all of sudden she told me to be a man(???) and she kept telling me that for the past few weeks but i did not listen and i don't understand?i know she wanted to get marry and then all of sudden she snapped and turned everything around 180 degrees.she said she doesn't want to see me cry or be misserable becouse she would pitty me and feel bad about the whole situation.i know it is hard for her to make than move,i can see it and feel it.she told me she wans't ready to marry me and will let me know when is the right time for her.told me that even if i've tried to give her a ring she wouldn't take it now from me.she told me i was a cry baby and i should be a man...what is she trying to say?how do i fix the relationship? should i kick her out?just say the hell with you or what is she trying to tell me by saying "be a man"?how do i show and care and support her decisions when she wants to leave me for another man?she told me that she will not do anything nor go for another man for the first month when she is there already and than call me to see if out relationship can continue,but i know already it is impossible.there is a mr right in her head right now and i am being replaced as soon as she gets there...i am preatty sure about it.how can one person become so confident and different all of sudden?why did she change her mind about us 10 minutes after talking about how happy we will be married?i did not want to commit for a long time and maybe that is why she decided to leave me?she said she cannot trust noone now but her fammily only.it bugs me..."be a man" what is she saying?how to understand it?please help and explain ...i have no clue what to think anymore...should i go out and buy a ring and try again ar accept what is she doing and let her go?whay is she playing this game with me???she ask me not to bring the subject of her moving anymore so it would be easier for her not to think about it anymore,but it hurts and i am lost...heeelp?????

[kajtek]

anybody help or adwise please????

should i try to relight her fire and remind her how thisgs were when we've met the first time?

[g44]

if she just wants to have sex with u and move on u must respect her wishes and do the right thing...i know it might be pleasurable but u have to stay strong and think of god, queen and your country, mounties, beavers and the one dollar bill...anything that will distract you from that bountiful carnal joy...i know it sound rough but do it for her

[joking]

[g44]

don't try and understand...and listen to that 'voice' inside of her head...its telling you...goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo away...far away