How to make her realise?

[Nick_t]

Hi guys,

 

Long story kept short -

 

Gf split up with me 5 weeks ago. I was gutted, been through many stages, ups and downs. Told her I couldn't be friends then said I wanted to 2 weeks into the split. Now I have realised although I don't want to loose her I need her to realise I'm not going to be there for her anymore because I need my space and healing time.

 

She went away last week, and I had 9 days NC which she txt twice and I did not reply. However I work with her 3 days a week, so I saw her on Friday and acted very cool, she was really pleased to see me, complimented that I looked very trim. She acted very strange though, hot and cold, got cross when I hesitated about giving her lift somewhere. She obviously got frustrated I was looking happy with myself, and didn't jump right at the chance to help her.

 

However had a bad day on Sunday - she had left it in my court to contact her about the lift and I did. I even phoned her, we had a great phonecall, laughing, but I got so angry because I made the effort to contact her. I told her I had her CD she asked me to find for her which she was really pleased about, and that I bought another CD over the weekend. She asked if she could copy the new CD. I said to her I could drop the her CD off to her that night, she said no its ok I'll see you at work on Wednesday, but if we want to go jogging the next night let her know. Then we got cut off cause her battery died, and I haven't made contact since.

 

What I want to do though is this - get the point accross to her, I have realised I can't be her friend, I want to be, but can't at this moment in time. I can't be in her life at the mo. I want her to realise I want to move on, and for her to realise I am out of her life until I can heal properly from the break up.

 

I see her at work 3 days a week, and she goes to the Uni I work at so will probably see her all the time so NC is very hard. She will be expecting to see me at work tomorrow, and that I will give her the CD, but if I can I want to ignore her as much as possible. I feel like I should write a letter, put it with the CD and post it through her letter box tonight explaining how I feel?

 

I don't know what to do?

 

I want to heal, and at the moment I can't help but think she has got her cake and eating it because she thinks she still has me as someone to fall back on. If I told her how I felt she might realise I am going for good! It won't necessarily bring her back, but it show her she has lost me.

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

Tel her about tis new girl you think you like you dont know yet.Ask for her opion in a friendly way.Maybe that would work

[Nick_t]

It might work, but I would be playing games that I don't want to play, plus it would not be the truth. By saying that she might feel comfortable to say the same thing to me, and that would hurt big time.

 

She might still be playing games with me, the way she reacts when I see her. The last 2 weeks I have played it cool, not contacted her, ignored her, been very happy and cool when I see her. The only time I contacted her was on Sunday, which made me down. I started the txt with a girls name, a joke her and I have shared recently, she obviuosly forgot and sent a shirty reply. Thats why I phoned to explain and laughed about it. But I phoned and fell into the trap of worrying about her plans rather than concentrating on me.

 

I need her to know I'm no longer there even as a friend?

[heloladies21]

Writing her the letter is fine. Get everything off your chest.

[Nick_t]

Thats what I thought, but now I don't know what to say. I have been reading everyones threads and find every single one helpful and all make me feel so much better.

 

I feel I don't even have to write a letter - if I just posted the CD through the letter box tonight that itself will show her how I feel, because it will show my intention of not wanting to give it to her in person tomorrow.

 

I also opened the case to see if the cd was in there, and found a note I had written a note and left in the case saying how much she meant to me, how she gave me strength and how I wanted my love to do the same for her.... just a small note that I had forgotten about, but I always left notes for her all the time. I think I will leave it in there because when I wrote it, I meant it at the time, and it relates to the band. And if she asks. then I will play dumb and pretend I didn't even check to see if the cd was in there and forgotten about the note.

 

Tomorrow, I think I will avoid her as much as possible. But she will try and contact me, as she feels we are getting on ok, she will soon get the message if I choose to ignore her. Once again if she asks, I will just say, I'm giving myself space to heal. I think I rushed in to being friends with you.

[heloladies21]

No, if you distance yourself without telling her the reason why, the only idea she'll get is that you're mad at her for some reason and she won't know why. Seen this hundreds of times. You have to be very blunt and direct and address the issue head on so there is no miscommunication. Re-read your first post and basically write what you wrote there.

[Nick_t]

But she broke up with me, do I even owe her that. With LC I thought the idea was that I am in control and need to concentrate on me, and have the choice to just disapear or have contact.

 

I can speak to her yes, but then will that be setting me back. If she sat down and thought about why is he distancing himself from me, hopefully she might realise, and if she doesn't then she needs to realise what she wants.

 

Do you think?

[heloladies21]

Nope, doing it your way is going to make things very complicated and give her the wrong idea. Plus, taking to her is a step you have to take before you're going to be able to start healing for real. And LC isn't getting you anywhere, either you're in contact or not. LC is usually just based on false hope and a lot of game playing which leads to a whole lot of nothing.

[Nick_t]

Thank you very much for your input.

 

But LC is the choice I have made due to my working situation. I am just being civil at the moment, saying hello when I need to. It will also be the case when i'm out in the University bar/nightclub, we will both see eachother out all the time so it will be a friendly smile on my part.

 

It might give her the wrong idea, but even if it does she is a clever girl and she will realise a) i'm giving her the space she said she wanted and b) i'm giving myself space and trying to move on.

 

I don't want to play games, i have accepted the situation and trying to move on in the right direction, but its hard when i see her all the time, so i'm just playing as cool as possible and trying to get on with my life!

[Nick_t]

Well a quick update of whats just happened -

 

Shes working today - she just sent me a message on MSN.

 

It was about a note that I had left at the beginning of the summer in her Maroon 5 CD about how I much I loved her. I had forgotten about it and i left the cd on her desk today as she had asked for it back.

 

The message went like this:

 

Her: i got ur not

me: what note?

her: the one in the maroon 5 cd

me

her: nevermind, i think its an old note

me: Oh, sorry - I do remember, I forgot about that. If I had of remembered i would have taken it out.

her: thats ok...just kinda sad finding it there.

me: well it is sad for me too remembering it was in there and not giving it to you properly, hope you liked it, kinda of remembered what i put.

her: it was nice...made me smile, so do want to go running tonight

 

i left it bout 10 mins

 

her: i take that as a no! well i'm going after work if you fancy it...same place as always

me: (bout 5 mins later) hey, thanks for asking, but i've been thinking and i don't think its a good idea if we carry on

her: what??!!

her: ok then...

her: why you gone all funny on me again?

her: thought we were friends?

her: hello? you could at least explain

me: Look I can't explain now, I'll talk to you later

her: what so i have to be at your beck n call again...

her: cheers, brilliant, i love bein left in the dark by you

me: no thats not it at all, I would rather speak to you in person rather than on MSN thats all.

her: for god sake...

her: you do come out with clangers sometimes... look i spoke to you on the phone the other day and you were fine...

her dont understand one minute you dont want to see me the next you do the next you dont wanna do stuff the next you wanna talk in person

 

I've just left it - all i said was i don't think its a good idea if we should carry on and that I can speak to her later.

 

I haven't reacted, and gone into a deep conversation - all I need to do is speak to her in person and explain - look I didn't end this, I didn't want this, and sorry if i've been erratic but I know it is what I need to do and at the end of the day its over, i am no longer your boyfriend. I need to heal!

 

Does Her reaction just show she still cares, or fears loosing me?

 

Where do I go from now?

[Nick_t]

Hi guys,

 

Can anyone help me today, I'm feeling a little low and don't know what to do next.

 

After the last convo (the last post by me) I didn't contact her, will prob see her at work today so not sure how to play it. I don't know whether to explain my action to her, or let her ask me to explain it. If she really wants to know why I said that yesterday she will come to me right?

 

This all sucks - She got angry at what I said, and it wasn't nasty at all, I just said I think its a good idea we don't carry on - that was it. Why did she react?

[heloladies21]

Well at this point all that's left to do is to come clean and let her know exactly where you stand, what you're looking for, and what you're not looking for. No more of this getting her to come to you anymore. No more of this worrying about what's going on in her head, it's all about you now.

[Nick_t]

What do you recommend I do when I see her at work? Smile and say hello, or smile and ask if she has time to talk later?

 

I don't have a plan of letting her come to me, but if she wanted to know would she come to me, or would I be a better person by going to her?

[Nick_t]

Please please can someone help me and give me some advise!

 

I am feeling really low today - just saw her at work, I said hi, she said hello back, then when I came back past her desk I asked if she gave me a missed call (she is on reception) she said yes, but its ok she's e-mailing it the query to my boss.

 

The reason why I feel so bad, is because she reacted to what i put yesterday online, but today doesn't seem bothered. But I don't know how to approach this, how to approach her. I feel I need to get what I feel off my chest.

 

I don't know whether to send her an e-mail about my feelings, send her an e-mail asking if she wants to talk about yesterday, go and ask her, just leave it and let her ponder????

 

It is getting me so down!! I want her to know that i'm no longer in her life because I need to get over her. But deep down why I am unhappy is because I will want her to react to that, and I have a feeling she won't. But I know that is not the point of NC, so I am getting angry with myself!

 

I know exactly what i need to say to her, and I want to come accross that i'm not bothered either. We are both online now and she hasn't contacted me like she normally does, so maybe she wants me to contact her or is leaving me alone.

 

I want to say this -

I didn't want any of this to happen, I didn't want us to end, at the end of the day sorry if I have been erractic over the last 5 weeks, but it is because I have been trying my best to decide what I want. And I know what I want, which is you. But as you don't want me, I am no longer your boyfriend, I have realised that I thereforeeee can longer be in your life as much as it hurts me. I want to be friends, I don't want to loose you, but by moving on will be my only way to get over you and heal my broken heart.

 

Please help me

 

Thank you

[onayrb]

Yep, thats good but edit as follows:

 

I didn't want any of this to happen, I didn't want us to end and I am sorry if I have been erractic recently. It is because I have been trying my best to decide what I want. And I know what I want, which is you. But as it seems you don't want me, and that I am no longer your boyfriend, I have realised that I thereforeeee can no longer be in your life, as much as it hurts me to realise this. I feel that we cannot be friends, as it will prevent me from moving on and healing. Obviously I'd like us to be together but accept also if it is over. I do not wish to be erratic anymore and confuse you or confuse myself. I just want closure on this and the chance to move on, or to talk seriously about getting back together if there is still a chance of that.

[Nick_t]

Thank you so much for your replies and for that edit -

 

I sent her this e-mail, and feel a little better about it. Its only been 5 weeks since the split but the last 2 weeks have been a bit of a cool off period for me and I haven't come accross as needy at all, or miserable or clingy, all the turn offs, i've just been my own person and starting to move on. It kills me to write this but it is the only way i'm going to save my sanity. The hard thing is, it is a nice e-mail and she will probably respect my wishes, so the hard thing now is knowing she won't contact me anymore, whether she wants to or not.

 

"Hey,

 

Just thought I'd explain what I said on MSN yesterday -

 

I wanted to tell you in person but I knew I would probably mix up what I wanted to say, so I thought I'd write it in an e-mail, so I could get it all down.

 

I didn't want any of this to happen, I didn't want us to end and I am sorry if I have been erratic recently. It is because I have been trying my best to decide what I want. And I know what I want, which is you. But as it seems you don't want me, and that I am no longer your boyfriend, I have realised that I thereforeeee can no longer be in your life, as much as it hurts me to realise this. I miss you so much but I feel that we cannot be friends, as it will prevent me from moving on and healing. Obviously I'd like us to be together and to be close but accept also if it is over. I do not wish to be erratic anymore and confuse you or confuse myself. I just want closure on this myself and the chance to move on, or to talk seriously about getting back together if there is still a chance of that. However I know you have provided me with that answer and I have accepted this, and although I don't want to loose you and say good bye, I have realised I have to let go for me to 100% move on.

 

 

If you want to talk about it and meet briefly after work, it would be nice to talk to you in person.

 

Big hug

Nick

xxx"

 

Is that the best thing I have done in the last 5 weeks?

[onayrb]

Spot on. It's the best thing and the only thing you can do. It explains all, leaves no doubt about your feelings and also clearly says you need to look after yourself. It is dignified and practical. Well done. I expect now you feel terrible.... excited, anxious. I'm sure you'll get a response but it might be to confirm that it really is over and that will feel like your heart dropping out onto the floor. It would be great if that did not happen and sure there might be a bit of hope. But if it does happen, be strong, post here for help and be proud of your approach knowing you have done all you can.

I've gotta dash, but best wishes to you. Chin-up. Be strong.

[Nick_t]

I feel so lost! terrible.... confused!

 

She got back from lunch and sent me a message online -

 

She said she got my e-mail, so I replied do you want to talk later?

 

She said suppose, but haven't I said all that I wanted to say? Is aid yes, but wondered if there was anything she wanted to say.

 

She said just that she thought it was going so well, and how is uni going to work, are we going to just ignore eachother or what, plus we share all the same friends, it will be hard. I said yes it will be hard, lets talk.

 

she replied ok then but I don't want to get upset or anything, I said neither do I. So she replied but after what you just said surely you will be upset just talking to her. I said i just want to talk about how we can make it work. To which she replied but whats the point as you've just said you want nothing to do with me?

 

I left it 'I just want to say a couple more things face to face' 'a few things I don't want to say over a computer'.

 

But i'm not sure what I want to really say, I just want to see her and say we can still be friends in the future but just not now as its so difficult to be close to her and not be able to hold her, kiss her and share all my secrets and stories with, without having her in my life. I will always say hello to her, and I don't want it to end. But i feel so bad because I know its coming to an end and I don't want it to. I just want to kiss her for the last time, which is something I have wanted to do ever since we split and I feel i will regret it if I don't say that to her, because I will never get the chance again!

 

I feel so down!! I don't want her to forget about me, now that i've got it off my chest. I still want her to think about me, i do want to be friends, but for my own sanity i know i can't but will have to see her practically everyday of the week!

 

Please help!

[onayrb]

it's clear and simple.

You have broken up (this seems definate and final by her attitude described above). You cannot see it working that you hang out with her as a friend.

Yes you might bump into her and will of course be civil if/when you do. But because she wants to break up, she must be considerate that you want to have minimal contact with her in order to heal.

 

And that is what you say., More importantly, that is what you do also, you distance yourself as much as possible, go NC and concentrate on yourself.

Being brutal here. Forgot about kissing her again. It seems over to me.

Bear in mind that she may think it very convenient to be friends with you. Convenient FOR HER. Not you.

Tough this one out. Be weak and cry in private. Not in front of her. Do not panic. It will get easier.

[onayrb]

How are you doing Nick?

[Nick_t]

Not too bads thank you, but not too great either.

 

Posted another thread this morning if you want to look on the same forum which describes my situation and how i'm feeling.

 

It's named 'big warning - how to redeem myself'

 

I feel low because I want to do something tonight, and I have nothing planned. I just want to go out.

[onayrb]

oh yea, just read it. Don't worry! I made a total fool out of myself for a very long time after my heart was first broken. The second and third times it got broken I was a model of dignity!!

All you've got to do now is look after yourself. Leave her alone, no explanation needed to her about last night!. Your actions, of leaving things alone and looking after yourself will speak louder than any words, spoken or written. She will only see a strong dignified person who is moving on. That is what you need to be. good luck.

[Nick_t]

Thank you - that helps big time. I have left her alone since this morning, I was calm and collected like I have been for the last 5 weeks except last night. Last night was the only foolish thing i've done. When she was at Lunch, I left a very tiny card on her desk - i put in it.

 

Hey, I let my emotions take over last night, I didn't mean for that to happen, or want that to happen. Sorry. Have a lovely weekend & take care.

 

But I haven't been to see her again, and I just need to move on now and plan my new life without her. Its difficult though because tonight I just want to go out but no-one is around. I spoke to one lad who is and he finishes work at about 9.15pm and then is off to a bbq, but I think that is a bbq where my ex is going to go. It is the last weekend before all my mates return to uni, from then on there will always be something on, its just this weekend.

 

Need strength, and need to know what i'm doing!!

[onayrb]

ok, the note was cool. But nothing else now. Move on with calmness and dignity. Do all the panic and breaking down in private or with a good friend.

Next w/end all your mates will be back - -great!. This w/e, don't be pressured to going out, though it might be scary, the thought of staying in on your own - - use the time well, to think, to let things sink in. It may not be a pleasant weekend but the more you think, the more you let things sink in, the more ground you would have covered in healing. Above all, DO NOT CONTACT HER THIS W/END.