From a dumper's perspective

[tamara78]

I found this post on the "Getting back together forum" and thought that some of the souls suffering here may find it useful - I certainly did.

 

Many thanks to Jenny for posting this (if you wish to see the whole thread, the link is )

 

Here is the main part:

 

"NC & getting back together - from a "dumper" (

 

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I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago (I am 27, he is 29, we dated for about 1.5 years). I broke up with him because I felt that he had become so selfish in our relationship. The last 2 months of our relationship were bad- it was a lot of fighting, a lot of him getting angry, a lot of unwillingness on his part to compromise. He became pretty cold towards me, and I felt like I was the only one even trying. I had been trying to talk about it for a while, but he never wanted to, and would refuse to discuss things. He started saying things like "this is how I am, take it or leave it." After a particularly bad fight, after he broke plans with me to go out with his friends, I had enough. I felt exhausted and drained. I ended things, gave him back his keys, and walked out of his house.

 

He was shocked at that. I honestly think he thought that I would put up with this crap forever. That night I think he left over 10 messages on my cell. I sat on my bed sobbing, but knowing that nothing he could say would change things. When we finally talked the next day, and he realized that I was serious about the break-up, he immediately started pressuring me. I told him that I needed some time and space to think about things, but I felt like ending things was the best thing for me. He didn't accept that, and started pressuring me to give things another chance. It made things so much worse.

 

The endless calls were awful. I felt that he was acting selfishly, once again. He wanted to talk, and I didn't, so he just kept calling and e-mailing. No respect for my wishes for some space. It was like his need to talk was more important than me saying that I needed some time.

 

When I would finally break down and pick up, or call him back, it usually followed the same pattern. It would start off nice, catching up. But sooner or later, even though he knew I didn't want to, he would bring up our relationship. It would start off with him apologizing for stuff he did wrong. But he could never leave it there. He would start saying stuff like 'but it wasn't just me.." or "you made mistakes too" and on and on.

 

The calls would always end badly. He wanted things from those conversations I was not able to give him, and it made him frustrated and upset. He wanted me to say that I would give things another chance. He wanted me to say that I was miserable without him. He was always upset when I needed or wanted to hang up. One of my friends finally said- look, you ended things with him because he always wanted things his way. He's being the same way now. You don't have to deal with it anymore." She was right, and I finally stopped answering or returning his calls. I mean, how could I miss him or regret that we had broken up when he was calling and e-mailing all the time, and everything was either upset or angry? When he finally stopped trying to contact me, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

 

He didn't contact me for 3 weeks. At first it was great. I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. I went out with my girlfriends, was able to concentrate at work, just relaxed at home. But something happened for me in the 3rd week. I started thinking about him, and our relationship. Without all the negative stuff in my face all the time, I started thinking about the good stuff. The trips, the weekends spent together, going out for sushi, watching movies cuddled up on the couch, drinking a beer on his deck while he grilled dinner, and then eating under the stars, teaching my dog to catch a Frisbee, baby-sitting his nephew and doing rock- paper- scissors to see who had to change the diaper, and a million more great memories. I finally allowed myself to feel the sadness, and how much I would miss him, and what a great thing we had, till things got bad. There were a million times I wanted to call him, about good things that had happened, or for encouragement when I had a bad day.

 

But I didn't contact him. I truly felt (and still do feel) that I tried for a long time, and made a big effort, and now it was up to him. He hadn't gotten his way when he was constantly calling and demanding things from me, so I waited to see if anything would happen.

 

At the end of the third week of NC, he e-mailed me. I opened it up expecting another long e-mail about our relationship. But it was short. It was just a "hey, saw this story and thought you might like it"- it was an article about training labs (I have a black lab we both adore). I emailed back a quick, thanks, great article. Nothing more for a few days. Then he e-mailed me to tell me some good news about his sister (she is pregnant). I e-mailed back another quick note asking him to pass on my congratulations.

 

We slowly started talking more, over e-mail and on the phone. 90% of it was jut general stuff, but occasionally he would let me know that he was thinking about us, and had lots of ideas about how things could be better. But he kept things focused on himself, things he could do better. Without the pressure of him demanding things for me, or blaming me, I felt OK about adding my own thoughts about our relationship, and adding things that I could have done differently too. With each conversation, when we would be talking and laughing, it felt like old times, and I would hang up with a smile on my face.

 

 

He left on Saturday and will be out of town for 10 days – a camping/fishing trip with some college friends. Before he left, he wrote me a very nice email. It wasn't very long- he just let me know that he would be thinking of me, and that he has been giving our relationship a lot of thought, and has been reading a book about better communication, which he is bringing on the trip with him, even though he expects to get teased by his buddies. He asked if it was OK if he called me when he got back, and also suggested dinner at a restaurant I had mentioned months ago that I wanted to try. He also named a date (the Friday after he gets back) and said he had made reservations, just in case I did want to go.

 

I was so happy to get something like this, acknowledgement that he is thinking about things and working on things, and also addressing something that always bugged me (he always wanted everything to be "last minute", while I do like to make plans). But he didn't tell me "Look at me! I'm changed!", he just did it, and I appreciate it.

 

So we will be talking when he gets back, and going to dinner that week. For the first time in a long time I feel some optimism. Obviously I'm not going to jump back into things, but I do feel like we have a chance."

[sparkle1]

Interesting read.....

 

Its good to see it from a dumper perspective...!