I need to post this I don't want to send it to him so I think posting may help.

[kimmie11479]

Ok so apparently I need to do this to help me unfortunately I will never send it to you because that is what's called for. I guess it's just supposed to get what I'm feeling out without any contact to you or from you or a response. It's seems a little ridicules to me because I'm always willing to tell people how a feel upfront and foremost but this is what I'm told that I need to do.

So lets get started, I'm very hurt because I have not spoken to you in 10days but whose counting. It seems to me that you are excited about this because you haven't even tried to drop any type of line (call, email, snail mail) whatsoever. I have never met anyone so cruel as to remove a person that they supposedly loved from their life so quickly and now I have to assume that you want to move on and not have me in your life. Which also hurts terribly, because of the things that you had said to me such as I want to be friends because maybe in the future we would get back together. I see or at least feel now that you had just said those things to spear my feelings which I would have rather you tell me the truth. I'm not going to say that I have not talked to others about you because I have and I'm amazed as to what I have heard. Stephanie has told me that you walk around the house like I'm just at work, like this has not fazed you at all. (that hurts in itself) Erin was at least a little better she has told me that she knows that you love me and miss me and Rudy but it really didn't help because she also had told me that she hasn't talk to you in weeks. (I question it all).

I want you to know that I am truly sorry for that Monday night but I had spent so long feeling like you didn't care about me at all I guess ten hours of drinking, crying, and hating you for what you said to me that day took the life out of me. I was very upset that day. I'm not sure what you think of me but I know that night it wasn't me. I'm not sure who that was. I have never done something like that before and hope I will never do that again.

You have done the same and I have forgiving you but I see you don't have that capacity to forgive as others do. I guess I can understand because it's starting to happen to me. The longer you don't call or pretend that I'm not alive the more I hate you. My hate grows for you one day at a time. I think one day if or when you do contact me, my hate will be so grossly deep and immense that I will hurt you by tell you to never contact me again.

Remember when I had admitted to you that I had read your mail and I was upset about it. Well I remember something that you wrote to Jennie I think about this sentence a lot now. You wrote and now sent to her "I'm sorry I was never able to give myself to you as you had given all of yourself to me" I wish that the email was for me actually just the sentence. But I know I never gave you my entire self, I wanted to, but I was afraid you would never. I started little by little and then stopped not because I wanted to but because you stopped. I was so sacred that you would hurt me as you have that I couldn't. I thought to myself day after day "If I could just give him a little nudge he will see that we could be the best of friends and lovers" I really had no idea how you had felt about me until you finally talk to me (after we broke up). I would also like you to know that I hated fighting with you, for me it was like arguing with an entire platoon and they all disagreed with me. I really never wanted to fight I just became so frustrated that you never saw what I was going through. I guess you could say the same about me but you never told me. I know that it's not an excuse I should have notice something but it was a little hard because you are so emotionless. But to be honest I loved you with all my heart and would have given you the world if you just gave a little to me. Not material things as you know I really never cared about that (I think only my B-day I cared) but you had made up for it on Valentines Day. No matter what you think I never wanted to control you only a little of your undivided attention. Maybe tell me that you loved and care for me from time to time so I didn't have to wonder.

It seems so ridiculous to bring all of these things up now, but I really never TALKED to you about it I would either cry or scream at you about it. You know I have realized that I'm not the best communicator either. I would never talk to you about how I was feeling only the girls around us. That's probably why all these things built up inside me and came out like wildfire. I wish we had talked more, actually I wish a lot of things I know that it's stupid to wish now but over all you were as good to me as you knew how to be. It was my fault that you backed off and I won't forget that at least for the next relationship that I have. I really never wanted to force anything on you nor did I want to push you into a relationship you obviously weren't ready for. But I think you should have told me that a long time ago. For both of our sakes. I will tell you this, I'm afraid to talk to any man about things because it gives them a avenue to break my heart more that it's ever been broken. Yes you have broke my heart but I don't think it's as bad as it would have been given that fact but also it may have never been broken to begin with if I had done these things prior to this.

I'm not writing this because I'm hoping for a reunion of us even though I still hope for one. I'm writing this just to let you know. I'm not sure if you even care at this point but like I said it was suppose to help me or at least that is what they say. I find it hard not to send this to you but I will to my best and try not to. Hopefully it's stays in my mail drafts for a ling time. kimmie

 

 

GUYS FEEL FREE TO COMMENT IF YOU'D LIKE

[shelly7]

kimmie Great Letter! I could really relate to a lot of what you said. I think you did a great job of expressing yourself for YOU! Writing those letters can be so cathartic. You are doing a great job, I admire your strength. Keep up the NC and keep writing (just don't send anything). Good luck to you.

[DBL]

I wouldn't send it. As a guy that received a few of these kind of letters..I never read through a whole letter. I say either get straight to the point or don't send him a letter. When I read it..it's like blah blah blah blah blah, etc. It was like reading a sentence that never stops.

 

Personally I don't believe in these kind of letters. A make up letter would be ok, but a letter to express your feelings...not a good idea.

 

DBL

[kimmie11479]

Thanks but that was the whole point. I'm not sending it I just needed to do something with it.

[DBL]

I find it hard not to send this to you but I will to my best and try not to. Hopefully it's stays in my mail drafts for a ling time.

 

I commented on this. Which basically says you may want to send it, but you hope you don't. Not that you won't send it.

 

DBL

[kimmie11479]

thank you very much

[kimmie11479]

it's funny how guys take things so differently then woman