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Is there any hope???


laboheme
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Yeah, it's me again...and yeah, I'm overanalyzing again. But...opinions?

 

The plans to hang out with the ex this week fell through, our work schedules just didn't match up, and I can't just come over to his house late at night. But...two days ago I sent him a text saying that I need his advice...and he was online two seconds later, ready to listen (and ended the conversation by saying that obviously he didn't mind helping me out). And I asked him to stop by on his way home from work yesterday so that I could give him something (a congrats/good luck card for his new position). He called to ask if I still wanted him to, I said that he doesn't have to, to which he told me to shut up in that joking way (you know the one...) and showed up five minutes later.

 

We talked for a while, exchanged a few hugs. When I reached out to briefly hold his hand, he didn't pull away. He reminded me again about the movies that I have to watch with him, and we established that neither of us will usually work on Mondays (but no regular plans were made, just a talk about how this Monday might or might not work, since I actually do work this week). Towards the end, I said that we should've done this kind of thing more this summer (him dropping by after work for a quick chat -- that's what we did last summer), and he had this "NOW you realize that!" reaction. Also, I admit that I was desperately trying to stretch things out as long as I could (even though I told him several times that he should probably get home soon), and he didn't seem to mind and didn't try to make a quick exit.

 

The half hour or so made me happy (he clearly doesn't hate me, but I knew that already), but unfulfilled (what DOES he think of me?), and the mood was relaxed, but NOT romantic at all . Where do I go from here? Am I still giving in to false hope? And if it sounds like there might be a chance...well...what do I do???

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Hey there,

 

Ask him what he wants and that the hanging out chit chatting thing is not cutting it for you. You deserve to know what his true intensions are and if he is only looking for friendship, then you can move on with your life and if he wants to give it another go, well then you can start over.

 

By you not asking him what his expectations are, you are prolonging your pain and your feelings of being unfullfiled. Good luck and take care.

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Unfortunately, this guy is not one to ever give straight answers. We've had a couple talks about the relationship, the breakup, the friendship, etc. where I made it clear that I want things to be back the way they were. I told him that I was willing to put in the effort to work out any problems; he replied that he doesn't like the idea of me changing for him (he's the "be yourself no matter what" kind of guy). I said I'd be changing for myself, and that these kinds of changes need to be made anyway: it's not like I'll be forcing myself to watch every single game on TV just because he likes sports (agreed, changing like that is stupid)...it's things like working on my temper, not taking things for granted, being less pessimistic...Good changes that will help me in life in general. The most I got out of him was that I shouldn't get my hopes too up or too down and that I should do "what feels right."

 

Honestly, I don't see him saying "yes, we're giving things another try" and being together from that point on...When we first started dating, we just drifted into a relationship, there was no real starting point, no asking out on formal dates or anything (even the anniversary date had to be decided on in retrospect). Others knew we were a couple before we did! So I'm still thinking that this time will be similar, that we'll just hang out, he'll get a chance to see that I'm trying to make improvements, and we'll slowly drift into a relationship again without even really knowing it. Oh, and when his coworkers (who are also my former coworkers) asked him about us, he said that he's definitely not dismissing the possibility of getting back together. At least he told me he said that, I'm not about to snoop and ask them if he really did.

 

I guess I'm just afraid of pressuring him into giving me a yes or no answer too soon. Le sigh.

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Okay, it boils down to this. What do you look for in a man? Do you want to be with a guy whom is wishy-washy, cannot make a definitative decision about matters and does not know what he wants? OR do you want a guy whom KNOWS what he wants, goes for what he is after and can make a decision?

 

This is about boundries and what you are comfortable with. True, he may be nice, funny, caring and so forth but it is ENOUGH? There are a lot of nice caring people out there, but it is enough to satisfy YOUR needs and what you are looking for, is he the whole package? Based on what you have been posting about this guy, you are really struggling with getting straight answers from him and knowing where you stand. And yes, I believe you are changing for him and to stay in this relationship. I really feel you both are not compatiable at all.

 

I truly feel you deserve more and you are settling. I hope you get your answers soon but just remember, actions speak louder than words.

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I think that it would be best to not ask him anything. Just go with the flow, like how you said in your last post about the two of you becoming lovers without you even knowing it. I think things would work out beter that way. He would know you much better by you meeting up with him often, and you'll understand him better. I would think its more natural this way, rather than asking him what he wants, because honestly, I don't think he knows what he wants and most likely he is afraid of accepting you and as a result reject you. If you want to show that you are willing to change, show it by your actions and not your words.

 

I want to add that, just give him a chance to decide on what he wants. And I think you're in a rush to get him back, that's a mistake I've done aswell. When you rush things you do things that you probably would never do and your ex feels uncomfortable with this. You might not feel comfortable with this waiting, but try to think about it like as if you were meeting this person for the first time, and you don't love him, but are friends, it can take for as long as forever, but eventually you'll get there. I think that alot of people are very demanding, and when you place demands on people they feel pressured and uncomfortable. Change comes from within, and not something that you make your mind up to change. This was a common mistake I did, and I felt that everytime I said that I would change and I truthfully wanted to, but, it was difficult, although not impossible.

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Just an update...it's kind of therapeutic to type this out when I'm in emotional turmoil...and I can't stop thinking (I know, g44...but I can't!)

 

School started today. We're in the same class twice a week, so we met up before lecture, sat next to each other...He showed up wearing a shirt that I gave him recently (I ordered it while we were still dating, but the shipping was really delayed, so I decided to give it to him anyway). Classes were short today (as they usually are on the first day), and we ended up spending all our free time in-between classes together...kind of like a normal couple would. (By mutual agreement and with mutual effort, it wasn't me pushing to meet up.) During a particularly long break we found a spot on the lawn, talked for a while about all kinds of things, then he took a nap while I read. The thought that we probably looked like a couple to everyone passing by made me smile...

 

Also he remembered that I wanted to go to a few athletic events with him, and brought that up today so that we can start planning (getting tickets is tough!) And he wants to meet early before class on a regular basis "so that we can get good seats." Maybe that is his motive...but isn't the suggested 40 minutes early a bit much for getting "good seats" in a lecture hall?

 

BUT. Aside from brushing up past each other as we're walking and a few playful shoves, no physical contact whatsoever I keep on hoping that if we ever get a chance to be in private together, cuddling might take place, but who knows if/when we'll get that chance...

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It sounds great, I hope you don't rush things from here, take it easy. You might slowly drift back into your reationship. Who knows. Just remember he knows you as a friend, so hopefully you keep your ideas of physical contact away. I wish I was in the same situation as you, but... Anyway good luck leboheme.

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Another update, not even asking for advice, just documenting the facts. (This thread should really be called Post-breakup Journal)

 

I'm going back and forth between accepting that he's not coming back and hoping that we will give things another try. Yesterday I didn't show up early to meet him before class, didn't approach him when I got there, didn't ask him where we should sit (he just followed me to where I decided to plop down), and acted grumpy. He wanted to know what happened and seemed quite upset.

 

At night, I decided that I should apologize, he didn't deserve to be treated like that (and apologizing for being out of line is part of my self-improvement plan, and I want him to be aware of that). I sent him a text asking him to call me after work. Seconds later, he called me while he was still at work, but I legitimately couldn't talk then (was in transit, bah). He called again later at night, so I said I was sorry and gave him the reason -- I had expected him to call me and make plans for meeting in the morning and was obviously let down. He replied that when we talked about meeting each other last week, it was supposed to apply to the entire semester, that he got there early this morning expecting to see me...He then said that it's the only reason he would ever show up early for a morning class and that he wants to meet up next time, too, and the next...

 

We then talked about random things for a little while until he had to go get food (and he said something that really surprised and impressed me that I didn't know about him before). In general, I still love him with a warm, steady love, but I have this odd feeling...like I have a crush on him, and like I want to learn even more about him than I have learned in the last two years. It's as if the chase is starting all over again. It's the whole feeling of getting alone fine and dandy but not knowing how he feels, of my heart jumping when he calls, of wanting to take chances and be a little reckless (towards the end of the relationship I ruled out anything that might make us look even the tiniest bit irresponsible or spontaneous)...I'm tempted to ask him out on a fun, ridiculous date -- which I know I can't, but I feel like it...

 

Gotta love these rollercoaster emotions...

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I'm such a mess right now...Two days ago he wanted to do lunch with me, but we only had a 20 minute window for that with classes and all, so that didn't work out (I had to call it off)...Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie at his house, and he sent me a message saying that he can't (people over at his house), but told me his whereabouts for the night (an event that he got talked into). I decided to drop by to say hi, and spent about half an hour there talking to him (not a deep conversation, just chatting while standing really close side-by-side).He was surprised that I wasn't planning to stay the whole time. He also apologized for the movie thing, and started going over our schedules for next week to figure out what works for both of us. I told him that I don't mind coming over to his house if his family is there; he didn't believe me (I was always afraid to come over if we weren't going to be alone). But we still made plans...

 

Also, when my ex left for a few seconds, some guy started talking to me...When my ex came back, the guy asked, "Oh, are you guys...together?" Obviously my ex didn't say yes, but he also didn't give a definite "no, you can have her." I wasn't looking at him, maybe he nodded or shook his head or something...But whatever it was, the guy left us alone right away.

 

Yet today, I saw him online, we talked briefly...or at least I talked. He responded to everything I said, but his replies were very short. I can't help feeling like I'm annoying him, even though I'm not talking about "us." And, of course, I can't ask him if I'm being annoying because that's just, well, dumb and unattractive. A couple of times he sensed that I'm feeling like that and told me that if he didn't want to do something, he would've said no (like yesterday, he said that if he was looking to ditch me for the night, he wouldn't have told me where he'd be)...But the way I look at it, not "not wanting" to do something is not the same as wanting it. There's also that "I don't care" area, where the plans aren't repulsive enough to find an excuse, but you're definitely not excited about them.

 

But...I can't assume that he just doesn't care enough either way...He's very reserved and doesn't show what he's feeling. Until we became an official couple, I was always kept guessing and assumed that he wasn't interested because he never made any advances...

 

I can't wait until I see him next (in two days). Last time we were in that situation, things were going really well -- fun, light-spirited, playful, and heading in a cuddling direction...that is, until I created drama by trying to discuss exactly where we stand, etc. I want us to be able to have fun again, like we did before I turned into the Queen of Pessimism and Negativity. Yeah, big mistake...

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I looked at his myspace profile today...And he redid his top friends list so that they're real people now, not those funny profiles that just indicate your interests. I'm still up there, second only to his brother. He also wrote an explanation of his situation, saying that with switching schools and all, he doesn't have many real friends left, just acquaintances. No mention of the breakup affecting his friendship situation (I was always considered his best friend).

 

So I guess I should be glad that he still considers me one of his top friends? Then again, maybe he left me up there because he knows I look at his page and didn't want to hurt my feelings?

 

PS. If a mod reads this, could you please move this thread to Journals? Or at least rename it as something like "Post-breakup diary," since I'm just venting, not asking for advice per se...Thanks!

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