Friend is ignoring me

[kidA7362]

Hey everyone, I'm new here. I didnt know where else to go with this question of mine. First of all, let me just say that I am not a confrontational person at all. I hate getting into arguments and would rather grin and bear it than to have people argue. Okay, so my problem is this: I had always been really good friends with this girl named Anne. A few years ago she moved a town over from me and our friends. She told me before that she felt like she was not being included in group activites. I reassured her that she wasnt. This past summer, however, i didnt keep in touch as much as i had hoped. I had gotten closer to someone that she had recently had a fight with and I didnt want to put the two together. In the beginning of the summer, I would hang out with both of them equally. It was usually me that would invite her to what the rest of our friends were doing. Towards the middle of the summer, I hadnt had time to hang out with anyone. When i finally had time, I got together with everyone and Anne. Everyone seemed fine and happy, but Anne was really bitter and mad about something. I tried hanging out with her again and she always seemed like she was angry with me (and our friends). She would never really talk...it felt like she was there just to get out of her house and not to spend time with us. I eventually stopped inviting her places because she always was in that mood. She had some really scary away messages that i think were designed to make us feel bad, but they only made us more sure of not inviting her places. Well it kind of snowballed like that throughout the rest of the summer and it wouldnt be so bad, but this year we're suite-mates at college. We havent made any eye contact in the 4 days that we were here. If we speak to each other, it's towards a group and not directed at each other. And we haven't been alone at all. I dont know what to do. I feel like it's really weird and awkward between us, but I dont know how to fix it. I dont want to apologize to her, because i dont feel like I did anything wrong. I tried to make an effort to include her. And it's not like she called me or any of our friends to hang out. I feel like she's just being stubborn. Now i don't know what to do. Like I said, I'm not confrontational so I dont want to talk to her about it and have her get mad at me and then make things even more awkward. Her birthday is coming up, so i don't know if I should get her a present and then write her a note explaining things. What do you guys think I should do?

[princess81]

Well I think that maybe she could be mad cause you invited someone she did not like so she probably did not feel comfortable. Anyway you are roomies with her now and I guess you gotta do something so I would just straight up ask her we still cool or are we gonna ignore each other like we dont exist, or you can sit down with her and say something like I am not sure why we are not friends or not speaking to each other would you like to talk about it I know that we are better then that to let something like this come between our frienship. Hope I halped

[babypink61]

Man I was in somewhat of a similar situation as you where I'd have two group of friends that didn't like each other . . . so I'd always have to hang out with them separately. It's tough being stuck in the middle. I don't think you did anything wrong at all. You were a good friend by inviting her to all your activities. It just seems like she's too dependent on you or something. Like she could always make the effort to call you up and see what you're up to, doesn't necessarily always have to be you doing that job. And if I were you, seeing how she acts when she's out with us, I wouldn't want to invite her back either. But even so, since you guys are living together, it would probably be best that you get this resolved so things aren't awkward. Just talk to her and ask her what is bothering her.

[Tigris]

Welcome to enotalone.

 

Why don't you just wait until it's her birthday and give her the present and see what happens. I'm sure she'll be surprised that you still give her one after the way she's been treating you.

 

As far as I can see you have nothing to be sorry about. She's the one acting childish.

[kidA7362]

She's the type of person that when confronted, she gets really angry and feels like she has to justify herself by blaming everyone else. And while i won't let myself get blamed for her childish behavior, I dont want to willingly put myself in that situation...at least not in person. Like I said, I am not a confrontational person, even when I am right. Should i write a note in the card explaining that while we didnt hang out a lot over the summer, I dont want it to get in the way of our friendship and our living situation?

[kidA7362]

Also, thanks guys for all of your replies!!!

[Tigris]

I don't think there's any reason to write a note, just let the present do that on her birthday. If she doesn't say thank you then she's not worth having as a friend. It's her loss not yours.

 

Take care.

[kidA7362]

okay, so i felt the need to write a note with my gift...which i can see in hindsight was a really bad idea. i should have just let the gift say everything, but in my mind i needed to clarify what went wrong this summer. I told her that i was busy with work and that although we didnt get to hang out much i didnt want it to get in the way of our friendship. she sent me a message on my computer that said "i appreciate the gesture/attempt. but based on the card, i dont think you realize who much this summer meant to me. blah blah...you cant blame work, you saw who you wanted to see....blah blah...if you want to make things right you have to acknowledge that i was really hurt" or something to that effect. anyways, basically she's telling me that she doesnt want to consiously make an effort to be friends with me and would rather make things really awkward for everyone living in our suite. i really dont care about not talking to her...if she's gonna be this bitter, i would rather just cut all ties to her. But she keeps putting up away messages that are like "thanks to people who actually gave a damn about me on my birthday...to all those who didnt, screw you" how can she say that about me? why does she have to say things like this? i gave her a present and a note, trying to patch things up. in a way, im hurt that she keeps saying things like this even though i tried to make things right. i know that this must have been a little of what she felt like, but honestly, we gave her multiple chances...we invited her places and she just wouldnt come, but when she did, she was always moping around. i want her to get over this, move on, and be an adult about this. i also want her to realize that what happened isnt my fault...she alienated herself by not hanging out with us because certain people were present and by not even talking to anyone when she did hang out. should i tell her this? what do you guys think of this? am i wrong in this situation? and what should i do now?

[Tigris]

You've tried and it hasn't worked so just forget about her. Eventually she'll either come to her senses or stay away. It's her choice not yours.

 

Have patience. Good luck.