We are in between. what does that mean?

[qwertie]

Hi all,

 

I need to get my story out to someone.. sorry if my thoughts are jumbled but I'm just writing as I think.....

 

About two weeks ago I told my partner of 7 years that I wanted out of the relationship because I felt alone and realized that he doesnt love me anymore. I had lost my self esteem and I feel like I'm dying in the relationship.

We had lots of good times, but the bad times were really bad times.

 

We've had lots of problems in the last couple of years and instead of it getting

better it just got worse. We started to live like friends and he would collect phone numbers of other girls in front of me with the excuse that he was making friends. The last time that happened I got so angry that I started to drink and blurted out my feelings to him in a very angry way.

 

Since that time it has all been downhill. I moved out for a couple of days and he said he needed time to think. Now he is the one who wants to stop. It seems he met another girl at his offce with whom he has a "click".

A click we no longer had, he said that he can talk to this girl about anything and that it was felt great to have such a connection without all the negative feelings he experiences with me.

 

He did somethings to harm our relationship in the past and it appears that

I was never really able to forgive him for it. I made him feel like he was the bad guy and I always brought up what he did in the past (which I say is fair cause it happened about 4 times during our relationship). Sometimes I would say things to him to make him feel bad, but generally I tried my best to keep the relationship alive. But it appears I was too late, he already had carved me out of his heart and had sub consciously separated himself from me.

 

He says right now he is at an all time low and his feelings for me are far from love, but there is maybe some hope of us getting back together if he can get those positive feelings back for me again.

 

The girl he met at his office (12 years younger than him) was also going through some rough times with her boyfriend of 10 years and they spent lots of time together comparing stories. She was also busy deciding if she would stay with her boyfriend. She decided to stay and told My ex yesterday. My ex told me that when she said this to him he felt disappointed and realised that he was attracted to her and had hoped she would have quit her relationship so they can build something together.

 

He's not sure what he felt for her, if it was convenience or the "newness" of the contact. What he does know is that he has some feelings to work through and that he enjoyed the contact he had with her more than with me.

He said it was a relief to talk to someone without arguing.

 

What I realised during the last two weeks is that I still love him and want to continue with him. It seems I have forgotten all the bad feelings and only remember the good times I had with him and I want the good times again.

 

We have had regular contact throughout the entire breakup cause we share a house. I have called him on several occasions while I was down and cried my heart out to him to give us another chance, but he is sure he needs time.

He needs time to see if the negative feelings he has for me will go away. He needs time to sort out his feelings for the new girl and see what that means.

 

Unfortunately, I am not able to cut off all contact with him cause we share a house and he comes by every now and then. He says we can keep contact

again and build it up slowly to see what he feels for me, but there are no guarantees that he will come back to me.

 

He said I should not beg, ask him to love me again nor talk too much of our relationship cause it is too heavy for him. That I should get on with my life, we have contact and see if we grow to each other again. Again he is not saying that he wants to get back to me, but that there is some hope. It is all based on how the contact goes with us.

 

He says if I am not able to wait 2-3 months then I should move on. Buy my own place and live my own life.

 

The thing is it is difficult for me to move on. I am sooooo alone. I live in the middle of nowhere with no one to talk to, I have no friends of my own cause my friends were his friends and now they are his again. I cant drive and it's really difficult for me to move around. I am not in my home country and my closest family is a plane ride away. Seems like all the odds are against me in the NC and moving on stage.

 

I want to continue with my life, but I want to move on with him. What is this feeling inside me that says we need to give it another try and that I should do it on his terms: that is have some contact but not in a relationship way.

 

How do I keep myself busy. I've tried the reading, the TV.. I feel like I just want him back ....

 

I know I may be fooling myself in thinking we have a chance... but why can't I let go...

 

I saw him last night, he came by to drop some equipment from his office at home. He says he feels at an all time low, that there are some feelings for me, but it is not love feelings (the love feelings have faded) and he needs time to see if the negative feelings will go away between us.. maybe it will happen based on the contact we have over the next couple of months but he cant promise anything..

 

I dont know how to get through this... he even said that he is not sure what he felt for me was love.. he cant remember if what he felt for this gilr now is what he felt for me 7 years ago...

 

It is very difficult coping.. I'm even thinking of dating but the thought of being with someone else.. talking to someone else is repulsive..

[Lealing]

Hello Qwertie,

 

I think that you should give your ex some space. It's no use begging and pleading for him to get back together again. You'll only come accross as clingy and needy. You need to stand on your own two feet and become independent person. I know how you feel. My ex ended our relationship after being together for 8 years. And yes we shared the same friends. I made the mistake of contacting him too much after our break up. I now only contact him by email when he emails me first. It's been 8 months since our break up and I am still very heartbroken but I am slowly moving on. Can you not join a club or look for some voluntary work to do. Last week I made enquiries to do voluntary work at the weekends as the weekends is the time when I feel the most lonely as I too don't have any friends in the town I live in.

 

Remember not to bring up the relationship in conversation and keep any conversation you have with him light. You want to show him that you can survive without him. He doesn't want any conversation to get all heavy and complicated so keep things simple. Try not to contact him too much either and let him miss you a little. If you are ever going to get back together again you need to show him that you aren't going to be dependent on him all the time.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Lealing

[sagirl]

My heart goes out to you.

My situation is very similar to yours, in that we were together nearly 7 years, lived together, i snapped one day and left, realised i had made a mistake and still wanted to be with him. It was too late. Today is 5 months since we split. After 2 weeks, he had someone new (she also works with him).

 

He has said all along that he doesn't really want her, he wants me, he loves me, but the negative feelings are holding him back. He wanted space to figure out if he could push the negative feelings aside and embrace our relationship again. Although I don't know how he thinks about that when he has someone else with him constantly.

After all this time, I am still clinging on to the hope that he will return. It is devastating, utterly soul destroying and driving me mad.

 

I think the only bit of advice I can give you is this: DON'T DO IT. DON'T HANG IN THERE.

 

All he is doing is keeping you hanging there, waiting. He knows you will wait because you love him so much. If you think it is possible to move on and start dating just go for it. Try to put the thoughts of reconciling to the back of your mind and get on with things. Easier said than done, I know. If you don't try to move on, in 5 months time you could still be hanging on, waiting for his feelings to change, just like I have and am still doing. The longer it goes on, the more you think "it won't be long now", so you keep hanging on just a little at a time. You keep giving yourself deadllines (that you never stick to!), you prolong the pain, delay the healing, and end up a complete mess.

 

Please learn from my mistakes, try to get on with things and try to be happy.

I really hope things work out for you, but remember they may not. Good luck.

[Caterina]

He is emotionally abusive. You need to move out, move on, and never see him again. This is painful, will take time, but you must have the courage to do it. Look for love elsewhere...God, friends, family...but you sure as substance won't find it in him.

[qwertie]

thanks for all the advice and comments

 

I've done some soul searching and while I realise that I do love him still on some level, I feel I'm not paying attention to all the down times I had with him, The feeling of wanting to just run away and come back when it got better.

 

I'm planning on giving him space, not only for him but also for me. I need to get my act together, I need to work on myself.

 

I want to move on and walk away at the same time... have to get rid myself of the "what if we have a chance" feeling.

 

It is only 2 and 1/2 weeks since the split and we've parted as friends.. but it still a very confusing time for me...