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trying again, but still probs


abbett
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i've posted several threads about problems with my gf over the last month or so - we broke up and slowly got back together......i took it as she had learned some things because i had really been trying to learn from things in order to do better this go around.

 

it seems we have a lot of love for one another. i love her and i fully believe she does love me. but there are still problems. and i don't know how to get past them. some of them might be related to her own stuff that i personalize as towards me.

 

anyway, this was our first weekend together in a month (she lives 2 hours away) and i thought things would be great and better and easier but they were not. and i wanted to know what you guys thought.

 

she got there late friday afternoon after work. we ate dinner and watched some tv and then i wanted to be intimate with her because i love her and missed her and wanted to reconnect in that way. we did and it was nice.

 

saturday, we went shopping and ate breakfast - she opened her first checking account in a year or so (showing she's getting more of her life back together - she's had a rough year).

 

everything seemed fine until late that afternoon and things weren't so good after that. it started with a simple discussion about a license plate we saw. i was simply asking a question but she seemed to think i was implying something or i don't know. she just seemed defensive about someone else's license plate and my question about it. so i got quiet. i was hurt. we went to dinner and i was quiet. she kept trying to talk to me to get me to talking again. finally i did.

 

we got home and hooked up this playstation i got and we were playing games on it. having a great time. really great. and then i remembered my roommate was out and i thought it would be the perfect time to be intimate - he was gone and we were having a good time. so i mentioned it but she didn't really seem interested. and i was hurt because we've been apart for a month and i just wanted her to want me. we watched a little of a movie and later went to bed and i said goodnight and gave her a quick kiss and that was it. but she must have felt i was distant because she laid behind me with her arm around me - kind of unusual.

 

yesterday morning, we woke up at the same time. i always want to say hi and cuddle but she is usually pretty distant in the mornings - maybe not being a morning person. so i went to the bathroom and i heard her let the dog out. later i got up to watch tv and she came in there with me. i have 2 couches and we were each on one. then she came over to my couch and put her arms around me (again, this is very unusual of her and i notice she only does this when she thinks IIIII am being distant - never when i am being close. i don't get it. she never comes to me when things are good - just when she thinks i am distant. so i reciprocated and we watched another movie on the couch together.

 

she went and heated up some breakfast. and later during another movie (we rented alot this weekend LOL) she got up and it was about lunch time - and i heard her heating up something she had gotten for herself. i was upset she had not mentioned what she was doing or asked if i wanted lunch. i had assumed we'd be going out for lunch so when she did that, i asked her what she was doing. she said nothing. and so i said i was wanting us to go get lunch together. but she kept cooking it. when she came back into the den, i told her how that upset me because i felt like she wasn't thinking of me. and then the wheels came off again. she wouldn't talk to me and acted upset at me - like i had done something to her. anyway, she packed up her stuff and i asked her if she was leaving and she said she was just getting her stuff ready. anyway, i begged her to talk to me and she said she didn't have anything to say. she got in her car and was about to leave but i stopped her and asked her to come back inside. she was crying and said she just wanted to go home. i told her how much i loved her and how it had been a misunderstanding.

 

anyway, i did get her to come back inside and we had some beers and played the playstation and then went to eat lunch at a mexican place. after lunch, we came home and things seemed good. i asked her if we could be together. she said no, she didn't feel like it. but she hardly ever seems to feel like it. and it just makes me feel so unwanted and unattractive.

 

she jokes and says i am a pervert when i am just wanting to be with her. i've never wanted to be with someone as much as her in that way and it's because i love her so much.

 

anyway, i asked her if she thought of living together and she said yes, but didn't know if it would work because we seem to always fight.

 

the night before i had asked her what her hopes and dreams were and she said she didn't have any. and i said we all have hopes and dreams. and she said she used to but they never work out so now she just lives for the moment. and it just hurt me there, too, because i felt like she doesn't really hope anything for us.

 

what do you guys think?

 

thanks

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One item on your post really caught my eye,

 

For me, when a man turns quiet suddenly,

 

I retract my feelings, and I think many other woman do too,

 

We don't like receiving the silent treatment,

 

Because we are emotional beings,

 

If something upsets you that she does, aka the license plates,

 

Let her know ASAP and don't just turn quiet,

 

You will frustrate her greatly, and then you saw how she subsequently pulled away from you, in response.

 

Hugs!

 

Rose

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One thing i noticed is you just need to chill. you seem so hyper senitive. when you were with her before I bet these little things were nto even noticed. When i was getting back together with my ex i would noticed the same little things but really never said anything about it. She will feel trapped and watched if you commebt on every little thing she does. Thats a weird feeling. just let it go...let her initiate. dont get so sentitive...its never attractive if a person is throwing themselves at you sexually. I've been ont he other side of this as the dumper. It is not good....just chill from now on and you will be fine...

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You seem to mention being intimate alot. I think you need to let it happen naturally the more you ask your girlfriend if she wants to make love the more pressure she will feel and may push you away. Enjoy the time you have together even if it is just hugs and kisses you always have your hand in the meantime lol.

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yeah, i've been in this overanalyzing stage lately - the past few months. each little thing, i try to find a deeper meaning. i don't know if i am insecure with things or what.

 

about being intimate, if i let things happen naturally, they don't seem to happen........i've just been wanting her since it's been a month and i just assumed she'd feel the same way. i've always been the initiator. when i've stepped back to give her time to initiate, she never does. i know there is more to a relationship than being intimate......but there is also a place for intimacy. i might be hung up on my previous relationship where we had intimacy problems but it was the other way around - i didn't want to be intimate and my ex-gf always did. it was a big problem. and now i am finding i am feeling the same way about my current gf and feeling rejected like my last gf felt with me.

 

btw, my current gf didn't pull away when i got quiet - it was quite the opposite - she would come closer to me when i got quiet. and i always do tell her how i feel about something.......but when she doesn't comment about it like "oh, i see" or "oh, i misunderstood" or "i'm sorry" and she's just quiet.......i don't know what else to say. so i get quiet.

 

i'm trying not to overanalyze and all -- we are seeing each other again this weekend so i guess i will try to be a little tougher and not so emotional.......and just go with the flow.

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