Depression is ruining my family!

[Psyclon]

Before i begin, i apologise for this being lengthy....i just need to vent. I dont know if i am looking for any advice, but any friendly replies certainly shall be welcomed. Once again, sorry for the long post

 

Anyways...to get straight into it, my sister has depression and it's tearing my family apart. My mother is stressed beyond belief, and neither me nor my other sisters are coping well. I have four other siblings, all girls, for some background information. However, only the 3 youngest of us still live at home with our mother. There is no father in the situation.

 

Alrighty..so it's difficult to say but my 16 year old sister has depression. What makes it worse is that she is very manipulative and uses her depression to basically get her way. Myself, who is the oldest in the house at the moment (18 ) and the youngest of us all (14, almost 15) are finding it very difficult to live with for a few reasons. Myself and the younger sister are VERY close, and we both talk about this alot. We talk about How we feel to each other cause we find that mother doesnt really care about how we feel or anything like that...we are second because we do not have depression.

 

My mother is not well at all. She may have cancer and is currently also going through menopause...so she's not well. This doesnt help. The thing is though, basically my youngest sister and i are placed second to my sister with depression. She gets away with murder, but it's ok because she's depressed. She tells mother she hates her, wants her to die, doesnt respect her and constantly causes drama and fights for no reason. She's paranoid that everyone is talking about her, hates her and is always pulling faces at her. I am the one who cops the blame for her being depressed...from mother aswell as her. I am the one who cops the blame for any fight started. I am the one who is blamed for everything basically. Everything seems to be my fault no matter what. (Sorry if it sounds like i am just a whiney teenager...just trying to explain from my view)

 

It is evident to everyone in my family, including my eldest sister and her husband who is a psychologist, that the majority of the problems are being caused by my sister with depression. She needs serious councelling but she refuses to go, cause that would mean admitting she has a problem. However, mother blames it all on me. Says i should move out and that would fix everything. I cannot move out now, as much as i want to, sadly it is just not possible.

 

I could go on and on but i wont because this is just silly ranting. I just feel like i am being blamed for a situation that really, has little to do with me. I mean, my sister with depression is allowed to bully my younger sister, swearing at her and so on. However, should i say any little thing to her, i get yelled at cause she has depression when i am just trying to stand up for my little sister, whom i am very close to. I really think that mother is blind to what happens a lot of the time. She's at work a lot, and basically, it's my word against my depressed sisters...so she doesnt believe me like ever

 

I just feel like nothing i can do or say will show mother that i am not the one causing problems within the family and i really want her to see how manipulative my sister is. It's ridiculous...i got accused tonight of wanting the camera just cause my depressed sister had it... like what the hell?!? I just feel as if it no longer matters what i say, my sister can get away with anything because of her condition, should i do the same thing, i would get in a lot of trouble. It makes little sense. I know the whole situation is stressful for mother, but she wont take any steps to help heal this...except for yelling at me, and blaming me. My sister with depression is basically a horrible person to my mother. She is so very rude, so disrispectful and basically just a nasty person in general but mother gives her what she wants because she is depressed. I actually think her depression is somewhat of an act at times...i have seen her with friends...running, screaming, laughing, having fun. A different person, but whenever she is home she changes. I am no expert, but little things that all add up make me believe that she is acting a bit. I can also tell why she does things. I have a grannyflat and she wants me to move out so she can have it. So she tells mother i make her uncomfortable and that she wants me gone. Damn, she once even said to me "I am using my depression to get you gone from this house." Thats another reason why i think she is acting a bit and is very very manipulative. All she has to do is have the smallest cry and i am bound to get blamed for SOMETHING *sigh*

 

I dont know what to do anymore, i cannot handle mother constantly yelling at me, how it's my fault, i'm the problem, i should get out to fix everything. In reality, me leaving would make things worse for my youngest sister. I cant talk to mother, i have tried many times, we all have, she doesnt listen to what i have to say at all...and she just ends up yelling at me, the same things over and over. She doesnt listen to what anyone has to say, not even my brother in law (the psychologist)...she just wont listen.

 

Basically...anyone in a similar situation? Any advice?? Basically i needed to vent...i have very few people i can talk to, and mother doesnt even want me to speak to my brother in law because she doesnt want to be "discussed"...i know she talks about me constantly...and i need to talk to someone. Any help or insight is appreciated. Once again, sorry this is sooo long. I could go on, but there is just so much stuff...this has been going on for quite a long time...perhaps almost 3 years now. At least 2

 

I just need a little guidance perhaps...something really. Sorry if this didnt make sense either, it's a little late here so sorry for any mistakes.

[sumguy]

Welcome to eNotalone =)

 

That sounds like a very tough situation, If your sister is acting then very little can be done to prove yourself innocent. Have you thought of using a notetaker to record a few of the outbursts, then next time she runs to your mother with a story you can use the hard evidence to prove yourself in the right.

 

My first instinct would be to look for accommodation with close family - aunts, uncles, grandparents - for a few weeks, if not for your you then for your little sister. The downdraw with that is that if your depressed sister is acting and she drops it when you leave it will make it look like your fault.

 

Have you tried having a long talk with your mother about the true facts of the matter when depressed sister isn't around?

 

Hang in there, and keep being there for your little sister. Hope this helped at least a little... =)

[nottoogreen]

Hi Psyclon,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

Please talk to you brother in law as much as you need. Your mom does not need to know. Focus on your own sanity! Be determined to make it through this.

 

Sumguys suggestion to record your sis outburst is a good idea. Record several outbursts over a period of time and play the collection for your brother in law to get more ideas about her mental state.

 

I wish your mom heals. Has your mom considered HRT which may make her feel better during menopause.

 

Why you think your sister is like that and when and how did it start?

 

Does your mom have a history of depression (also pre-health) or was she ever abusive?

 

What about your dad, he stays together with you, history over depression, was he ever abusive?

 

Her is my experience about depression on ENA.

... I have not seen one depressed poster on eNotAlone without serious imbalances in their life. I can not recall any one poster with major depression without a history of one or more of the following. The list is in order of prevalence.

1. Abusive parents
   
2. Broken families
   
3. Sexual abuse
   
4. Living with a depressed person
   
5. Overcontrolling parents
   
6. Neglect by parents
   
7. Abusive partners
   
8. Ridicule, bullying
   
9. Fashion - can't accept ones body
   
10. Lack of understanding by others > loneliness
    
11. Physical health, accidents, disfigurement
    
12. Over-expectations > foolishness, job loss, loss of a loved one. - quite rare actually.
    

Sure, genetics plays a role, some people are sick easier than others but our brains are way to well evolved to be messed up like that.

...

[Aschleigh]

The main thing now is to take care of yourself. Get yourself into counseling so you have an outlet for all this drama. You can be an example of how to deal with conflict by getting help and learning tools use with your family.

Encourage your little sister to also get counseling too.

Can the eldest sister be of any help? Can she go to your mother and ask her as an outside observer to get help for all of you.

Maybe she could explain that by letting the depressioned sister get away with everything in the name of her depression, she isn't doing her any favors.

I have been very depressed. I also had to learn to get heklp and treat people with respect if I wanted respect back.

It's a real possibility your one sister is so depressed she has lost some control of her actions and is lashing out at all of you , even if she feels bad about it afterward. uncontrollable anger is definitely a sign of depression.

 

Either way, this is more than you can handle on your own. Get help from low cost or no cost counseling services. She may ne an anti-depressant to help curb her anger.

You're Mom is so overwhlemed it seems she has checked out and isn't dealing with reality.

Use your oldest sister, proeffessional counselors, whatever it takes to give her a wake up call .

[Psyclon]

Thank you for the warm welcomes and the helpful replies

 

sumguy - I have moved out for a while, to my eldest sisters. My depressed sister had also moved out for 3 months. This didnt seem to improve anything really so she came back home. She then insisted on moving to our fathers, who is really not part of our lives at all, so this was rather odd. Basically, it seems she wont be happy anywhere cause she came home after 3 days there.

 

I have tried having a talk to my mother, and when i do, she agrees with me, about almost everything i say. The thing is though, as soon as my sister says anything, to make sure she stays happy or whatever, it becomes my fault again. It's basically just a tough situation.

 

nottogreen - Good suggestions about recording her and such. My brother is very aware of her mental state, when she moved out for 3 months she was living with him and my eldest sister.

Um and as far as i know, but not too sure here, the is no history of depression with either my mother or father. And neither of them were abusive. As i said, our father is really not a part of our lives, it's been well over 10 years or so since i've had anything to do with him, but no, he nor mother were never abusive.

Um this started a few years ago now i guess, not sure. I think it has something to do with the fact that my mother and her boyfriend at the time split up and my sister was close to him. I think that has something to do with this all. But i'm not a professional, i cant really say. I'm basically lost in this situation...it has everyone confused. She doesnt even know why she is depressed...she just says it is my fault cause i am mean. I think she's just taking it out on me somewhat though cause i am an easy target.

 

Aschleigh - My eldest sister tries to help. She has suggested councelling many times, for the entire family. My mother basically doesnt like this idea and i doubt she would go. My sister is already on anti depressants. It doesnt seem to be helping. Oh well.

 

Thank you all for your replies. I shall definitely take all your advice on board. It was nice to have some outside input and perspective. Thanks guys

[nottoogreen]

You sisters depression being related to your mothers ex bf is interesting.

 

This is speculation: Could it be that your mothers ex-bf sexually abused your sister?

 

Perhaps your mother found out and got rid of him. She seems to close some things up.

 

How was your mothers ex-bf?, what kind of character? why he left? What were the circumstances of his departure. Was he abusive, a drinker or such? Large age gap with your mom?