Embarassment Coming From Feelings For Another

[ajaxajax]

Hey folks

 

I’ve this woman whom I’ve known for more than 3 years. About 2 years ago, I developed feelings for her even though I acted quite friendly with her – sometimes she went to point of appearing interested in me. Also, over past 2 years, she had 2 bfs. I asked her out for coffee, she accepted but couldn’t take it further because of her having 1 bf. But we kept seeing each other at uni, over coffee etc. Then she had another bf. BUT SHE’S FROM A STRICT FAMILY – SO NO NAUGHTY IDEAS OK? I found her to be quite a nice, polite and likeable person whom I could get along with very easily – so I thought I’d tell her my feelings in a “friendly” love letter for her 21st. But, this was watered down – no “I love you”'s, no raving-ons about true happiness, marriage, eternity blah blah blah. She told me later on that, although the letter left her upset and torn up, she loves me as friend and that I’m wonderful like her bf. She also found the letter to be beautiful. I insisted that I wasn’t forcing her into anything and that she can go further with me only if she wanted to. That was one year ago.

 

Over next few months, we got on fine until, later on, she looked tense when I saw her over coffee. She told me that it’d be hard to try to meet up because of work, uni etc. Just recently, she looked quite tense when I saw her but didn’t say anything odd. But then, something inside me snapped and I then got the courage to ask her by mobile if I upset her by the way she acted. She told me that she likes chatting with me, but that letter (yes, THAT LETTER) left her very uncomfortable and wanted to “limit our interactions” because of me confusing her kind gestures as romantic. I personally call them sweet – but not romantic (that’s higher up the scale). I then texted back saying I’m sorry for having the letter upsetting her and wished that she told me earlier. I also told her that I hope that we could stop feeling embarrassed and bitter about catching up. I honestly felt like crying when she told me the real truth – I can’t believe that she went from relaxed to scared just because I wanted to tell her my feelings for the woman who she is! I then told her she must have obviously appeared more than upset for what I did, that I must now appear 2nd rate and that we should limit communication until I'm seen as acceptable. She then said that I may need to interpret people's attitudes and that those who wouldn't be there for me socially like her don't deserve my time.

 

I would love for things to go on further later on but I’m not holding my breath on this one. I’d be happy even to stay good friends. But I’m wondering if our friendship’s scarred because of that letter. I still have deep feelings for her, but I just wished that letter never saw the light of day!

So….

Is it normal for a woman to feel scared after receiving a love letter from a guy who feels he might have a chance?

Can forgiveness really be possible after it happens?

Can good friends have the chance of being together…even after one person admits love for the other and then ends up making him/herself embarrassed?

[Honey Pumpkin]

The timescale is a bit odd, to be honest - I would have thought this awkwardness and conversation would have come straight after you sent the letter. I wonder what prompted it after a few months?

 

ANYWAY - I think you were very brave for sending that letter, and good for you!! You *did* reach out and take a risk, and okay, it didn't work out. But that is so much better than wondering 'what if...' and daydreaming about what might have been. Good for you!

 

However, I don't know if being friends is such a great move. It's kind of keeping you hopeful that she will change her mind, and her anxious that you might be misinterpreting things. Personally? I would cool it right off, and meet with other people; maybe see this girl as part of a big group occasionally? But I would move on. I do think you were very cool for taking that risk, though, and really admire you for it. Some girl is going to think you are the bee's knees, and be very glad that you are available for her!

 

Good luck

[felix]

The very same thing has just happened to me my friend. Same kind of letter from interpreting signals right and the same kind of reaction. She says she wants to be great friends again but her actions demonstrate she wants distance just now. Like me, you have demonstrated honesty and thats all any man can do - far better than to have kept things hidden which in itself is dishonest. The self control ands elf respect we have in these circumstances is to be cool and walk away after doing the right thing. If in time, she realises that you were the man for her, she will let you know - thats all that you can hope for.

 

I'd rather wake up each morning knowing i did the right thing than to eat myself alive by loving someone and never telling them. You are a cool dude and I am glad that you have done the right thing. I do not believe, as in my own case too, that you misinterpreted things at all - i think you acted with your heart. And no one can ever have a problem with that, whoever they are.

 

I'd also like to add that life has a strange way of catching up with these things, for example when you are nice to people then a long time later they have a way of turning up again - one instance is a girl who I said I loved 5 years ago who only now has realised that fact....

[Momene]

She sees you ONLY as a friend and nothing else, hard though it may seem.

[ajaxajax]

HoneyPumpkin and Momene, I know what you're saying about her being JUST as a friend. I do try to cool off - in fact we only saw each other face to face 5 times this year! I didn't want to force her to do anything she didn't want to do. I'm just upset that she couldn't choose me even though I've proven myself. Her 1st BF is only socially acceptable because of his Oxford educated neurosurgeon father. Her 2nd (and probably current) bf is somewhat an opposite of her - dopey, doesn't exactly take care of his appearance and drinks alcohol all night often! She is my friend - and won't change until she wants to "walk through the entrance door".

 

Felix, I think maybe life can have funny way of catching up things. In fact, there's one girl I liked about 5 years or so ago who I thought I'd never see again b/c of graduation suddenly appearing on my bus a couple of times. Just wasn't sure if that was actually her! Even if both women realise that I'm the one they're better off marrying, there could be a risk that I may end up staying with a woman not as good as one or both of the others because of cheap circumstance! In fact, you might like to refer to Who do I choose? in General Advice - I bet ya that'd be hard!

 

But, I thank all of you for giving me your thoughts. More comments are welcome!

[ajaxajax]

Oh, one more thing. That letter was sent to actually help me check whether the woman's moves were romantic or just friendly. But, the biggest reason why I sent it is because I want to tell her I find her to be such a great woman, outside and inside - and that NOONE in the whole world should have the right to tell her differently. She deserves to be respected hard and to be loved even harder. I tried to prevent misinterpretation, so I only want her not to feel scared when seeing me.

[stolenshadow]

She then said that I may need to interpret people's attitudes and that those who wouldn't be there for me socially like her don't deserve my time.

 

That bit says it all, she doesn't even want to be your friend.

 

I agree you did the right thing in telling her, you don't have to wonder, she doesn't feel the same way but it's not the end of the world.

You want to settle for a friendship and take back what you said but I think she knows that's not going to work, because it's not healthy for you, she's actually helping you move on from her and I think that's admirable.

 

Don't contact her anymore, don't try to fix anything, things are how they should be. If she calls then you decide what you want to do but I don't think she's going to change her mind and it can really affect you staying friends with her because you won't want to move forward.

 

You will find somebody else, don't worry.

[ajaxajax]

StolenShadow, I guess what you're saying to me is that once the letter was sent, the genie came out of the bottle so to speak. I knew I didn't want to contact her too much after I did that...but I feel it's such a horrible way to end a friendship. It just gives me a feeling that the woman would be forever apprehensive and even p***d off at me for telling her. I still feel violently angry because she feels angry at me, all because of some guy getting to her before I even had the chance to!

 

I can't understand how even the busiest women always get preyed upon by guys who appear hedonistic and yet guys who are just as busy (like me) never even have a chance! I understand totally what you're saying...I just hope and pray to God that any slob won't pop the big Q to her anytime soon!

 

BTW, would her wanting to stay away from me be because of me being undesirable to her or because of her not wanting to worry about more than one guy at once?

[stolenshadow]

StolenShadow, I guess what you're saying to me is that once the letter was sent, the genie came out of the bottle so to speak. I knew I didn't want to contact her too much after I did that...but I feel it's such a horrible way to end a friendship. It just gives me a feeling that the woman would be forever apprehensive and even p***d off at me for telling her. I still feel violently angry because she feels angry at me, all because of some guy getting to her before I even had the chance to!

 

It is a horrible way to end a friendship but she chose it, not you.

I would be angry towards her too, but maybe she thought it was better this way.

 

I can't understand how even the busiest women always get preyed upon by guys who appear hedonistic and yet guys who are just as busy (like me) never even have a chance! I understand totally what you're saying...I just hope and pray to God that any slob won't pop the big Q to her anytime soon!

 

If she decides to marry another guy it's going to be her loss, for not giving you a chance.

 

BTW, would her wanting to stay away from me be because of me being undesirable to her or because of her not wanting to worry about more than one guy at once?

 

I think it's likely she started dating another person and she feels meeting with you (because of your feelings for her), could be taken as cheating.

 

But it's seems she's a bit young, I wouldn't worry about her settling soon, still, the fact she's "seeing what's out there" knowing you already doesn't sound like she deserves you.