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to marry or not to marry?


blaxdiamond
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Hi, everyone. I'm new to group and definitely wanted to pose a question. I have several of the posts and saw some wonderful advice. This question will probably even sound repetitive. I've been this guy for 3 years, in fact we just had our three year anniversary. About two months, I asked for space. I'm an author so I wanted time to promote my book. I knew that I couldn't put 100% in both promoting and being there for my relationship. When we would have dinner or have time to go out, I would always need to promote or do something related to my book. He didn't understand "space". He thought I was breaking up with him. That wasn't the case. I wasn't really happy with a lot of things but it was because I wasn't promoting my book the way I wanted. So the space notion went out the window. Then we started arguing about trust issues. He thought I was looking for someone else and I thought he was looking to spend time with one of his buddies' wife. (Long story with that! We then say we'll work on the trust issues. Then just a month ago, after all of this craziness and not a lot of time for my book, he proposes. For nonchalantly, he says we need to get married. No ring or real proposal. Just "let's get married". I love him very much and I do want the life after the wedding but should I said yes? Even moreso, should I ask for something a little more serious? There's more to this story but I don't want to scare the group on my first post.

 

Cassandra

Caught in the Middle

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Welcome to ENA blaxdiamond! Great to have you aorund here...

 

Well, from what you wrote here sans (insert Paul Harvey voice here) "the rest of the story", I would say you should absolutely in no way shape or form marry this guy. Here's why I say this...

 

1) He doesn't understand "space". What will marriage change? You will still be an author and you guys will still face the same issues as you describe above. But I think being married will add another dimension of complication to this and make taking space harder to do perhaps...which he doesn't understand anyway...so what will happen when you have another book to promote?

 

2) He said we need to get married. No, he needs to get married for some misguided reason I think. Perhaps he thinks this will strengthen and make the relationship permanent by going through the formality of marriage? I don't know, that is a possibility, but that "need" word really jumps out at me as a red flag.

 

Now, what do you do about this? He approached it nonchalantly so answer it so. I feel you guys need more time to work on these issues you describe above. The love sounds to be there which is a good basis so don't discard this thing just yet...

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welcome to enotalone. I would NOT marry him. He does not understand space and marriage will not change what you are arguing about now. He also sounds arrogant and insecure. Continue to focus on your author career and I would fiund someone else who understands the word space and understands you travel for your career.

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Just curios and this would bother me.Just say you were married and you did need to promote another book.Would you separate then.I think the question isnt about him i think its about you being ready for marrage.I honestly dont think it would be good.Its sounds like you have alot of things going on in your life to be married.Can you have your career and be married that is the question.I understand you need time to promote,and you need time to do this.If you were married and living in this same house would you go to a hotel for 2 months during this time?Good luck.

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Sorry guys for the not so quick reply. I've been under the weather lately. I didn't really answer his question. I didn't say yes or no. I said that I would think about it. The reason why I need to think about it is because these trust issues have been a black cloud over our relationship from the beginning. I haven't cheated on him and he says he hasn't cheated on me but it's like "well, she would have cheated..." instead "no, she didn't cheat on me". I just wonder if that is something I want to hear through a marriage. As far as having a career and a family, I do feel like I can have both. I've always wanted both with him but the last six months has been hard. We've been "living together" and I'm just finding out more about his issues with trust.

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My book "Caught in the Middle" is about a college student who is an escort who is in an relationship and she tries to keep her two loves separate but finds out that she can't have her cake and eat it too.

 

Sounds good and also would make a good film. I'll look for it in the shops.

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