My mom has depression, what should I do?

[obscurity]

I am not sure where to begin. Every aspect of my life at home seems to have taken a toll, since my mom's condition has gotten worse.

 

When I was young, I can recall vivid memories of my parents being happy, our family was happy even through we had little money. We had a large extended family and great friends. Then when I was 6 my parents pick up their lives, took what little we had and decided to move to Canada. They envisioned a better future for my sister and I, a better future then they had.

 

When we moved to Canada, we didnt have any family here, just my aunt. My parents lives was forever changed because they worked consistantly to make ends meet. I can remember some days not seeing my parents because they worked so often. But with their ambitious mind they forged ahead and developed a good life. But maybe as the saying goes "As income rises, happiness declines..."

 

Fast forward to present day. My parents wished they never moved to Canada, and worse yet want their old life back. They fight consantly, minor things, major things. It doesnt even matter. Family back home always want us to send them money, gold digging every last cent we have. My parents dont have very many friends and still work an outrages amount of hours. My mom when she's not working sits at home and complains about everything. She is very depressed because my dad and her fight everyday. All she can do is sit on the couch and watch tv each day and is pessemistic about every aspect of life. She tries to control everyone in the family, and although I am 21 and my sister is 25 she doesnt give us any personal freedom. If I am not at school or working she expects me to be at home. I cannot spend any of the money I make, go out with friends and have to keep my relationship with my boyfriend a secret. If any of this happened and she found out all I would get is b.tching at home, and be labeled a black sheep, rebel child... She doesnt have very much energy to do anything and most of the the time just complains about sh.t at home.

 

This has began to really affect everyone in the family. My sister and I are always unhappy and my dad is unhappy as well. No one in the family really speaks to each other with the exception of my sister and I.

 

I dont know how to help my mom. I want her to be happy and not look back in 10 years and wished life was different. I dont want her to regret any part of her life.

 

I also want her to realize that I am 21, and NOT 10. I want to be able to live my own life, I dont want to have a hidden relationship forever. I am trying to stay on the positive side, but its really wearing me down. My schooling is taking a large toll because I am always worried about my mom and when I should come home. I dont know what to do.

 

... Obscurity (lost)

[Relationship Coach]

Is your mom open to getting help?

 

RC

[Mackenzie]

I've been in a pretty similar situation. My mom too suffers from depression, and when I was younger it would affect the rest of the family so much. She also suffers anxiety/panic attacks and multiple problems concerning her physical help. Why don't you suggest therapy? She can have her own therapist or if group counselling appeals, that's available for families too. Even a trip to your family doctor can help, since there are anti-depressants that can help a lot. These things have helped my mom a lot, but they aren't a miracle fix. We have some pretty rough periods that can last months and we have years of peace (however she has pills that she has to take for life since she suffers from chronic depression and it's hereditary). Anyway, please look into getting your mom help. It's a great start that you want her to be happy, and you have the advantage of being old enough to live on your own and keep a bit of distance... some of the worst months with my mom, I was only eight.

[confusion1010]

I too am in a similar situation. My family just seems to be falling apart lately. I worry especially about my mom. She has always had bad depression, and lately, stressfull things just keep coming up. Here's the short list: My sister is about to marry a controlling jerk who she "loves", and she is moving to his town about 100 miles away. My brother, a National Guardsman, was recently shipped back to Afghanistan. My father is retiring from his job and is struggling with alcoholism and spends alot of time in bars, he may even be cheating on her, but I'm not positive. Her mother recently died after years of failing health. She no longer finds any happiness at work, she feels underappreciated there. I am so worried about her. It has even affected my social life. I cannot enjoy time away from home if I know that she is there by herself, because the whole time I can picture her there, just sitting in front of the tv, worrying about everything. I am even afraid to go of to college in the next few months because I don't want to leave her by herself. Hopefully my father won't spend as much time in the bars once he is retired, but if not, I will be commuting to college from my parents house. But then, what happens when I am done with college. I cannot spend the next 40 years trying to be my mother's companion and trying to keep her as happy as possible. I wish that my family would see a counsellor, but my mom doesn't take me seriously, and my dad doesn't want to admit that anything is wrong. I can talk to my sister a little, but sometimes she just seems so distant. She is so different now than she was when she used to live at home. I rarely see her, and sometimes I feel like we are becoming like strangers to her. I am at a loss for ideas, is there anybody who has any suggestions?

[cschmidt]

Hi Confusion 1010. I can relate to your story on so many levels! My mom has been suffering with severe depression for as long as I can remember. She is on permanent medications and sees a therapist regularly. I would highly recommend that you seek the same for your mom, but it should not be your responsibility. You NEED to talk to your dad. After dealing with your moms emotional issues for so long, your dad (like mine) is probably shutting out many of his own emotions. You need to give him a wakeup call and tell him how you are feeling.

Don't be mad at your sister and go to college!! Your sister might be so desperate to have a life of her own that she ignores the negative qualities of her boyfriend/husband. (I did this too. It is natural to want to run away from bad situations like the one going on at home right now. And those situations can make others seem not so bad.) Eventually, she will come around and when she does, she'll come straight to you for support. (I ended up marrying someone as an escape, and soon divorced him because he was really just a bad person.)

You must go to college child!! As much as you believe that you being at home will help your mom, or keep her from getting worse - it's not true. The only thing that can really help your mom is herself, some therapy, and some meds. You can be supportive no matter where you are and not living your own life could really hurt you in the long run. Is there a happy medium? Could you live on campus but choose a college that's only a couple hours away so you can come home on the weekends?

Good luck!!