My wound keeps being opened up.. I can't heal!!!

[Riggz41510]

My daughter does a few extracurricular activities.. I enjoy going to them.. Every time I go her mom(my ex is there) This last time she brought a guy with her. It was the most awkward feeling I ever felt..

 

After I left it felt like we had just broken up that day.. Every time I see her it makes it harder and harder to let go.. I don't know what to do.. Will I ever just be able to heal?? Its hard healing dong NC, so imagine still being in love with a person and watching them laughing, giggling and kissing someone else..

 

When they left they hopped in the new guys(the one she was cheating on me with)MERCEDES and drove off.. It made me feel sick to my stomach to watch my daughter hop in the car with this man..

 

I don't know what else to do.. I'm trying to stay strong, but damn!!

[ElektraHere]

Is there anyway that you could alternate going to see your daughters activities? One game or practice you are three and the next she is there? Also can you talk to her about maybe not having the guy she is dating now not attend? I mean it is not a good set up for your daughter. She will feel torn and that is alot of pressure to put on a little girl.

 

You will heal but unfortunately it may take you a little longer than some since you have a child together. You can't just cut all ties, well you could but then you would be a schlep and no one likes a schlep ;-)

 

Chedda I empathize with you I do. If talking to her doesnt work perhaps you can get a mediator to iron out all the wrinkles.

[Riggz41510]

Is there anyway that you could alternate going to see your daughters activities? One game or practice you are three and the next she is there? Also can you talk to her about maybe not having the guy she is dating now not attend? I mean it is not a good set up for your daughter. She will feel torn and that is alot of pressure to put on a little girl.

 

You will heal but unfortunately it may take you a little longer than some since you have a child together. You can't just cut all ties, well you could but then you would be a schlep and no one likes a schlep ;-)

 

Chedda I empathize with you I do. If talking to her doesnt work perhaps you can get a mediator to iron out all the wrinkles.

 

The problem is she doesn't care.. I think she likes it.. I could see if I left her and she wanted to prove something, it would be easier to swallow. But she left me..

 

She had the guy answering her phone, driving her car damn near living with her less than a month after I left.. She says "what she does is none of my concern"!! "We are not together so don't worry about what I'm doing"

[ElektraHere]

Well even so those actions will have a profound affect on your daughter and her development. That is the sad thing about divorces or breakups with children they are forgotten in all this. If she doesn't care and doesn't want to remdy this then my friend it is time you stepped up to the plate.

 

You need to take control of this situation and quit being beaten down by someone as immature as she is being. You need to look into a mediator, find yourself a lawyer, take some action man! Be someone your daughter can look up to and say "thats MY dad." Not just being your ex's whipping boy.

If you don't have the funds for this there are advocate groups for fathers rights, there are lawyers who will work on a sliding scale. You just need to take control of you and your life.

 

You can do it, for god sakes you have a pitbull as your avatar that must signify something?

[Riggz41510]

She's not keeping my daughter from me.. What can a lawyer do about her bringing her new guy to my daughter activities?? Its not a custody issue at all.

 

I don't think there is a legal remedy to this.. I have my daughter regularly etc.. Its just hard having to see her and her new guy..

[ElektraHere]

Well then if its just the guy being there and there is no legal custody issue. Then I hate to say this but its been told to me often....."BUCK UP!" You just have to not pay attention that he is there.

 

I don't think there is much I or anyone can tell you that would help your situation. You want to be there so the only other option is not attending.

[Hope75]

I think Elektrahere had a good suggestion in alternating activities for awhile. You go to one, your ex goes to one, and so on. There are alot of parents that separate in an ugly, messy battle, and must avoid one another in a similar fashion- you do what you have to in order to stay involved with your daughter and not allow these feelings for your ex get in the way of that.

 

Remember you are there for your child, not to watch your ex and her new boy toy.

[Riggz41510]

I think Elektrahere had a good suggestion in alternating activities for awhile. You go to one, your ex goes to one, and so on. There are alot of parents that separate in an ugly, messy battle, and must avoid one another in a similar fashion- you do what you have to in order to stay involved with your daughter and not allow these feelings for your ex get in the way of that.

 

Remember you are there for your child, not to watch your ex and her new boy toy.

 

 

I know she won't alternate.. So all it comes down is too me not going.. And its not fair to my baby..

[joeshmoe]

I know she won't alternate.. So all it comes down is too me not going.. And its not fair to my baby..

 

damn, that's not fair at all....have you actually asked her to alternate? I obviously don't know her, but maybe she would if you actually asked?

 

other than that, maybe you can just beat up the new guy, so he'll be scared to be around you! (sarcasm, kinda...)

[Riggz41510]

damn, that's not fair at all....have you actually asked her to alternate? I obviously don't know her, but maybe she would if you actually asked?

 

other than that, maybe you can just beat up the new guy, so he'll be scared to be around you! (sarcasm, kinda...)

 

I asked her why would she bring this guy to our daughter s functions.. And she told me don't worry about what she does!!!

[loveisaparadox]

I totally feel for you, chedda. The way she is treating you - well, it's just totally unacceptable. Even with all the problems I have with my ex/baby situation, I know she would never stick it in my face like that. And if she ever did, here's the advice I would give to myself, and thus to you:

 

1. I know you still have feelings for her. But it's time to ask yourself, in a very deep & honest way, do you ever really want to be with someone like that? Flaunting a new boyfriend in front of you and your daughter? That's pretty sick, man. You are a better person. Much better. You've probably heard this before, but it needs to sink in: she *does not* deserve you. She never will.

 

2. Move on. This has been the hardest notion for me to understand, because moving on feels like we are abandoning our hope - we want to hang on to the pain, we want to own it, it's our only way right now of hanging on to the relationship, as dysfunctional as it was. Forget that. It's time to clean yourself up, buy some new clothes, do something new, strike out in a fresh direction. This is your life!! You don't need to be looking for your next life partner right now, you're not ready for that, but there are other women out there who want to connect with you, just be honest about where you are, and starting enjoying life a little.

 

3. Karma. Your ex has made some very large withdrawals from the karma bank. I'm not a revengeful person, but I know this stuff comes around. She's messing with your emotions and she's being a terrible role model for your daughter. It will come around. Maybe not for years, but trust me. And when your daughter is old enough to understand all of this, what do you think her impression will be of her mother? You are doing the right thing. Focus on your child. Huge karma there, and that love will be with you forever.

 

4. Love yourself. It has never been more important. Find a support group if you have to, I had to go down that road myself. Yoga is *great*.

 

 

Hang in there, chedda. I know what it's like to be wondering, 'what new and torturous new misery is coming next?' Don't wait for it. Hope for the best, but assume the worst, and rebuild your power.

[Riggz41510]

Dr Phil is that you???

 

Wow Paradox,

 

Your words are very encouraging.. Thank you so much.. I might need to fly you out to California for a drink, on me of course!!

 

Its hard for so many people to comprehend breaking up let alone having a child with person causing you so much pain.. Having to act like every thing is OK, when your in so much pain on the inside. You can't even really use the same advice you would give to a person who simply was just in a relationship.. I'm not trying to take away from no one else's pain, but its 100 times harder when you have to still deal with them.. People have a tough time doing NC and they don't even HAVE to be in contact with the other person.. Its so hard to call them to ask a question about your child but there is still this pink elephant in the room that has never been addressed!!

 

The common bond you guys share between each other is like no other.. The child asks questions and is also wondering what the hell is going on?? My daughter always asks questions and it tugs at my heart..

 

Again I really appreciate your words of encouragement.. You don't know how much they mean too me..

[ElektraHere]

Well how will you know she wont alternate if you don't ask her? You asked her why she brings the guy but you didnt ask her to alternate times with you. I think if you come from a place that doesnt sound snide she might not react so defensively.

[Riggz41510]

Well how will you know she wont alternate if you don't ask her? You asked her why she brings the guy but you didnt ask her to alternate times with you. I think if you come from a place that doesnt sound snide she might not react so defensively.

 

She is a spiteful person.. I know her.. She will say why should she have to miss any of the events just because I can't deal with her new boy toy.. She will tell me to grow up..

 

Quickly forgetting how she felt when she heard I was talking to someone else the first time she broke up with me.. She wanted to fight the girl, she told me don't let the girl ever comb my daughter hair. I'm quoting her "I never really loved her if I was ale to move on that fast".. I hadn't moved on at all, but I wasn't about to sit around all sad and depressed while you are running around with this new guy!!

 

And its not so much him.. Its having to see her, and still being in love with her!!

[ElektraHere]

You still love someone who is obviously spiteful and gives no regard to you. Also someone who is manipulative as wanting you not to move on and be happy. My friend she wants you to sit in your pit and never get out. I would say that this is perhaps a blessing in disguise. Too bad your daughter has to see how she acts. Not good for her.

[Riggz41510]

Elektra,

 

Believe me If I could stop my feelings for her right now today I would!! I wish I could stop how I feel..

 

I'm taking my time and getting better day by day.. It just feel like every time a scab begins to form on my wound.. Its torn back off!!

[loveisaparadox]

I know all about that pink elephant. How do you get on the phone, or worse yet, walk into a room, look your ex in the eyes, and calmly (because you don't want to come off angry or sad) talk about your child? Meanwhile, in the back of your head, a million thoughts are going off, why are we apart? it used to be fun when we did things together as a family. wow, she looks hot today. will we ever have another child?

 

A friend of mine put it very clearly:

 

"It's hard to see a person in a new light, especially after thinking you knew them, or had a handle on them."

 

Or you are still in love with them ...

 

You absolutely have to start looking at her in a new light, chedda. And I have to do the same, with my ex. We no longer have "a handle" on the situation. In fact, we *never* did. And that's at the very core of all this misery: we never, ever, had any control over any of this to begin with. And we never will.

 

And until we let go of the illusion of control, the situation will never change. There might be reconciliation, but only to be followed by more heartbreak. I know you know that. The guy in the Mercedes - he's just as ephemeral as everything else. You think he has a handle on the situation? No way. The only winners in this game are the ones who finally say (and *mean* it), I do not have control over any of this, I never did, I never will, and thereforeeee it cannot hurt me. That is where the true power lies. Try this, and please believe me that it helps, even if it sounds silly ... the next time you are feeling tested, maybe you are with your ex and daughter and all the emotions are firing, just shut your eyes, and surrender to the universe. It's the most powerful thing you can do. Remember: the battle is futile to begin with, because control is an illusion. When you surrender, you stop fighting. And that's the first step to finding your own power.

 

it's an ongoing project for me But I truly believe that when we finally give in to the universe, amazing things will come our way.

 

I'll be in Cali in October - and I'll take you up on that drink

[need2bme]

I am with Chedda, are you realted to Dr. Phil?

 

Man, it is hard seeing someone when you are broken up but still have stuff going on with them that is not yet settled.

 

I so fear the day I find out my ex has someone new.

 

I do like the notion of surrendering, although I still grasp at the control switch.