where should i stand???

[life_of_ai]

My ex and I where together for 3 years but eventually she broke up with me 3 months ago. We wanted to be friends, but I did NC, we talked every now and then but I did not answer plenty of her phone calls.

 

Now our semester in college started, she told me that she would never break plans she made with anyone. Well, in these 5 days I've been here, shes canceled 2 things with me and today we decided to hang out a bit after we ate. On the way to her place (walking), she saw someone in her new b/f's frat and talked to him, and told me to keep talking with her, but they were talking greek stuff. She eventually told me she'd see me later. She blew me off.

 

I've been her best friends for 5 years. We did break up, but we want a friendship. But now she joined a sorority (which is fine), hangs out with her new b/f's frat. Shes friends with them all now, so she hangs out with them regularly now. She says her priorities are sorority, frat, b/f, friends. I fall under the "friends" category. Shes known these other people for only 2 months. Its all fine, but she never has the time for me.

 

It just sucks that because of their "title" (ie, being greek), I'm "demoted" to the bottom. I'm her best friend, she says that too, but her actions are not in that way.

 

I'm not gonna get into the stuff with her having a new b/f. I really did love her, and at one point she loved me.

 

Any advice or want more info?

 

Thanks alot

[NJRon]

If someone is not treating you like a best friend, then you aren't a best friend. You can't just tell someone that and not show it.

 

You went out for 3 years and have only been broken up for 3 months. It is *way* too early for you to be "just friends". You really should give it a longer rest here.

[kadvati79]

We wanted to be friends

Why?

 

Now our semester in college started, she told me that she would never break plans she made with anyone. Well, in these 5 days I've been here, shes canceled 2 things with me and today we decided to hang out a bit after we ate. She blew me off.

People seem to hang onto things their ex's say like promises. Its a feature of the "bargaining" stage of grief... "You said you would never do this, you said you would do this" - people try and bargan with their exes for attention/affection based on what they say/said. Words like "never" and "always" are generalised expressions. Of course she will break plans, everyone breaks plans at some stage. Remember, look for patterns of behaviour to tell you who someone is and how they are going to behave in future. What does her actions tell you about how she feels?

 

I've been her best friends for 5 years. We did break up, but we want a friendship...Its all fine, but she never has the time for me...It just sucks...I'm her best friend, she says that too, but her actions are not in that way.

Yes it does suck. What option does she have other than to say you're her best friend? Do you think, realistically, that she could turn around and say: "I know we used to be best friends, but I'm really not that into you now, I'm more into my other friends". I mean, who's going to actually say that? Nobody, but thats what her actions say. Again, look for patterns of behaviour.

 

I'm not gonna get into the stuff with her having a new b/f. I really did love her, and at one point she loved me.

A "best friend" can provide objective advice but still wish their friend happiness and support them no matter what decisions they make. You cannot be a good friend to someone when you care about them in a romantic sense because you cannot be objective deep inside. Just because you loved her, and she loved you once, doesn't mean she owes you anything now.

 

I can't really give you any advice because I don't know what you want. Do you want to be back with her? Do you want to be her friend? Why do you want to be her friend? Do you want her to spend more time with you? If so, why? Being honest about what you really want is the first step to actually getting it. If you do want to be back with her, realise that while these feeling exist you cannot be a good friend to her. Also realise that you have been "friendzoned" and relegated a relatively low status in her priority list. Now you might not like that, but thats just the way it is. People are entitled to choose their friends how they see fit, and there are no "obligations" when it comes to making time for friends.

 

If someone is not treating you like a best friend, then you aren't a best friend. You can't just tell someone that and not show it.

Bingo, NJ poped it right there. Remember, patterns of behaviour.