staying friends

[hennypenny3288]

Would people here find it hard to stay friends with someone that you liked a lot, as in wanted a relationship with, but the relationship never materialized? Had some dating experiences with the person, some intimacy, but never went beyond that. Now are friends and hang out on occasions to do things. The person you like now likes someone else (LDR) and confides in you about it. You encourage him to go after it and you will be there as a friend. You listen, be his sounding board, his encouragement. It is LDR so you and your friend still hang out and do things as friends.

 

Could people handle that?

 

Keep in mind, one still has feelings for the friend but is putting that away.

[NJRon]

I think people are amazing creatures that can put themselves through almost anything and live to tell the tale. We have a great capacity to tolerate pain. I think this is an example of the outcome really depending upon your pain tolerance.

 

As for him, if he knows you harbor feelings for him and is in an LDR, I really don't think he is doing justice to that relationship by continuing to hang out with you on a regular basis.

[hennypenny3288]

Why do you say "pain tolerance"?

 

I am pleased for my friend. No hard feelings there except for some wistful ones.

[NJRon]

A situation where one party has feelings for another that are not returned is called "unrequited love". I have no doubt that you are happy for his happiness. Yet, at the same time, if you truly have feelings for him beyond friendship, is there an inkling in the back of your head that, even if he is happy, you wish he would be happy with you instead?

 

If there is, then that tug-of-war will cause pain. Maintaining a state of Happy/Sad is painful over a period of time.

 

Just some thoughts. I of course don't know the level of feelings that are present here, just trying to throw out some food for thought.

[dawn515]

Hey Penny,

 

I feel as though I have to post because your experience reminded me of one I had. It may not be the same, but perhaps I can impart SOME sort of wisdom!

 

I met a guy through some mutual friends, and we hung out a lot. After a few times of hanging out, we ended up making out, and some other stuff, but not sex. One day he told me that he didn't want to kiss or make out anymore, and he wanted to be my friend. I said okay because I didn't know him that well and thought I'd give the friendship a chance.

 

Over time, we became GREAT friends, however, I fell HARD for this guy. I tried not to, because he was "only" a friend. But it happened anyway. I couldn't help my feelings. I thought that over time, the initial attraction I had for him would fade; that we could become good friends because we did get along very well.

 

Nope. I didn't get over it.

 

At one point -- about a month after he'd told me he didn't want to be intimate with me anymore and stay friends -- he started seeing another girl. He would confide in me about his feelings for her, all about his relationship with her, everything. I was happy to be there for him. I still had those feelings for him, but I could put them on the backburner and stay his friend. I gave him advice about his relationship. Looking back, I think I just felt happy that I was still a part of his life and important to him.

 

Eventually, he and the other girl broke up. It was much harder for me after that. Maybe it's the same for you, with your guy being in a LDR. I don't know; I can't presume to know. But when my guy broke up with this girl and started dating around, while I was still just the friend -- it hurt more.

 

I can't explain this, really. Though I had feelings for him, it was easier for me to be his advisor and friend on his relationship while he was in one. When it was over, and he was single, it was so much more harder for me. Then he was dating around, having a few random hook-ups, telling me all about them, because to him, I was his friend, and never would be more. It just hurt me to hear this stuff. I tried to deny it to myself, but I did have hopes, those nagging hopes in the back of my mind. I was always torn between being his friend/confidante and wanting to be his lover.

 

It TORE ME APART! I think that's what NJRon was talking about. I can only speak for myself and my experience, but trying to stay his friend, while harboring feelings (unrequited love) caused me more pain than it was worth! So, if you have a high "pain tolerance," be his friend.

 

Eventually, after more than a year, I figured out that I couldn't be this guy's friend anymore. It was just too painful.

 

That's my story. I hope it helps.

[NJRon]

Thanks dawn, that is a really great "real life" example of what I am talking about and I'm sorry you went through that. I've been there before myself and, in the end, came to the same conclusion you did after having pretty much the same things happen.

[MissDashwood]

I have been given advice about staying with friends that I harbor feelings for even though he's just gotten married. I didn't much like the advice because 8 out of 10 people on here will tell you to never contact him again; or that he's only hanging onto you as an ego boost; or he really doesn't want to stay friends but is too afraid to tell you to go away. I've been told these things by some members on here.

 

My advice is only you can tell how he feels and if he is a good, kind person and not using you ill, and if you value being friends with him over nothing at all, then continue the friendship. And there is the off-chance that the blindness men seem to possess will give way to being shown the light, and maybe things will work out in the future where he'll realize you're better for him. At least if you stay in his mind's eye then you have a better chance that he'll turn his interest onto you.

 

Of course, don't close yourself off and wait for it. Be open to finding someone better. But I am intensely against "dating around" for fun because it's pointless to waste time with men who don't live up to your requirements. i know I have the same situation where I like a guy and so far I haven't found anyone who is better. So don't settle for someone less than what you are looking for.

[langford]

I can only say a resounding NO.

 

I stopped being friends with someone who I begun to like,it was sad at first,but now I am really glad I did.I feel MUCH happier,have completely gotten over them and just feel so much better.

 

 

I miss the friendship sometimes,but staying around someone who has rejected you will completely chip away at your self esteem.It will also stop you from moving on and getting involved with someone else.

 

As he is attempting to form a relationship with someone else this seems to be a clear indicator that he does not reciprocate your feelings.So my advice is to end the friendship until your feelings have vanished or been resolved.To do otherwise I can guarantee will cause you pain.

[NJRon]

Since the question was phrased hypothetically, I feel I answered in an appropriate manner.

 

If someone had asked "I really like my friend as more than a friend. Should I stay friends with him?" I would have said "No, unless you like pain".

[Jane0815]

Oh, I wasn't criticising!

[NJRon]

That's cool. I wasn't being defensive