I don't think I'm healing very well, I'm worried

[No Spaces Rob]

It had been over four months since my heart was broken. I was in love with her, and she didn't feel the same way about me.

 

But I still think about her all the time and find myself feeling angry, frustrated and sad. I'm really concerned that I don't seem to be getting over her.

 

I have of course spent plenty of time with family members, and friends. They all seem to be sick of me talking about her now so I dare not keep raising the issue with them. Their general line of advice is that she is crazy and I don't need someone like her in my life. They advise me to forget about her and I have genuinely tried that already. I've been trying it for months.

 

The situation is complicated, as it always is. We saw each other for a few months. She had a low self-esteem and never believed me whenever I told her how I felt about her. Then she no longer wanted to talk to me about it anymore, so I waited patiently for her, and she kept inviting me out to things, but cancelling at the last 30 minutes. And she kept promising that we'd talk soon and then cancelling that too. She also convinced me that my female friend was trying to ruin my life and I had a falling out with the friend, though we have since become friends again after I came to my senses.

 

Then she told me she wanted to be just friends. That's fair enough, I thought. It'd have been nice if she had told me a lot earlier, but better late than never. It would be nice if she had told me in person, but I guess it's better that she didn't see me all upset. I tried getting her to talk to me face to face but she still didn't want to talk, but made plans to catch up at lunch time. She cancelled of course, and I followed the advice of my family and gave her some space. I tried to be friendly when I saw her, by smiling or saying hi, but I no longer tried to get her to talk to me or spend time with me. I did 'no contact' as much as was practically possible for two people who see each other every day. But on the occasions when I did meet her, I tried smiling and saying hello, just to be polite without pushing any conversation.

 

However, then she started giving me the silent treatment and pretending I wasn't there whenever she saw me. It was painful, and I cried about it a lot when I was alone, but I guessed that she probably didn't mean it when she said she wanted to stay friends, and I was ready to accept that this being friends thing just wasn't going to happen.

 

I was getting over her quite well when a few weeks ago I found out she had been talking about me behind my back to my female friend. She had told my friend that I had been mean to her, that I wouldn't talk to her anymore, and that I'd hurt her by not remaining friends and that I should apologise to her.

 

I'm so hurt and angry about this. This was the female friend of mine that she hated, and had at one staged convinced me to hate as well. And she completely changed her behaviour and started 'opening up' to my friend and told her how 'mean and hurtful' I was being to her by not talking.

 

I'm angry that she gave me the silent treatment, and it caused me a lot of pain, and she told my friend that I had been mean to her.

 

I'm angry that she said she wanted to remain friends but went all weird on me. It "felt" so much as if we were going to remain good friends, because we got along together so well. So I am angry that all seemed to change.

 

I'm angry that it's not good enough for her for me to just suffer from a broken heart, I also have to suffer from her trying to exact some sort of 'revenge' on me by giving me the silent treatment and speaking ill of me behind my back, even months afterwards.

 

I'm also a bit awkward around my female friend, who has the wrong impression of me, based on what she said to her. But it just seems a little petty and backwards to argue about it when it really shouldn't matter anymore.

 

Firstly, it's ridiculous that she should feel hurt by me. I loved her, and she rejected me. I think maybe that even though she wasn't comfortable with me loving her, she liked the attention I gave her and was angry that she couldn't keep having that. But for her to play the victim is cruel and horrible.

 

Secondly, I have long ago decided that it is not a good idea to keep trying to be her friend, not only because of the way she has been treating me but also because it would be too painful for me. In essense I really just want to forget about her, and she has made this difficult by saying things about me to my friend, and giving me the silent treatment when I see her.

 

I haven't seen her in a number of weeks now but there will probably be occasions in coming weeks where I will have to.

 

I feel horribly screwed around but must of all I'm ashamed that I am still upset about this after four months. It has meant that a good part of this year has been wasted feeling sorry for myself and I need to know how it can end.

[Bethany]

It ends with acceptance and forgiveness.

 

Forgiving yourself for letting her in and hurting you and forgiving her for what she has done, for making you hurt and angry. Accepting that what is done is done and there is nothing you can do to change that. let go of the anger, it doesn't matter anymore what she has said or done, it's in the past and you have a future to look forward to.

 

I would keep away from her as much as possible, avoidance is not always about hiding away or running away from the pain, it's about doing what's best for us to recover in our own time.. Sometimes it is good to know when we have had enough and need some time to ourselves. 4 months is not a long time, its a relatively short time on the road to recovery. Don't feel ashamed of being upset and don't feel resentment that you have wasted the year, it was and is something you have had to deal with, it could not and cannot be avoided.

[valenski]

Sometimes our best intensions only return pain and hostililty. I'll tell you what I was told when I first came here with my broken heart, there's no way to tell when the hurting will stop but just take it one day at a time, thats how you'll eventually overcome.

[No Spaces Rob]

Thanks for your help guys. I am taking it one day at a time. It is a bit difficult sometimes and I have a cry, but at other times I feel good about the fact that I am able to fall in love, and I am a really great guy that any girl would be lucky to know.

 

I really wish I could get better more quickly than this. But I am getting better, albeit slowly. I really feel like I need to share my story with others, because it feels good to talk. But one day I'd like to not feel any of this anymore and just be neutral.

[finewhine]

Trust me, the pain will stop. Mine finally stopped last Thursday. It stops. Time and no contact are the biggest factors. Stop getting updates on her life. Ask your friend who knows her to quit filling you in. Don't look at anything related to her. Pretend she's dead if it helps.

 

One day you will wake up and it will be better. Believe it!

[kiki]

it must be tough having to have to see her frequently. With my ex, we live far away from each other which is probably why i coped ok(ish)!

 

but from the sounds of it you are being very strong about it (takes will power!) you are right to be angry at her for treating you like this and draging your friend into it too. To do that is really immature and it sounds like shes got her own problems getting over you. Dont be ashamed for not being over her yet, it will take time as im still at that process too but some good advice that i got was to enjoy life and realise there is so much potential out there. Also, that her breaking up with you before you guys got deeper into the relationship probably did you a favour.

 

we've all got to move on sometime... in your mind you're probably ready to move on but you can't decide when your heart will be but keep positive and i know you will be just fine.

[No Spaces Rob]

I have two threads on the go, sorry. The other one's about a work function both she and I will be attending.

 

Here's something I wrote in my journal just then. It is completely the opposite of what I wrote in my journal yesterday, which was a letter begging her for her friendship.

 

---

 

Whatever you intended to do to me, it has been very effective. I have spent 4 months crying in the shower, at lunch time, and in bed at night. I have spent 20 weekends thinking about you constantly. I have spent countless lunch times crying into my mobile phone, my dad or my friend comforting me on the other end. I have had over a dozen counselling sessions. I have filled multiple notebooks with writings about my feelings for you, and how you have made me feel. I have been affected by anger, guilt, depression, and mostly pain. I have posted entries to my blog about how terrible I feel only to delete them later. I have not had a single day where I haven’t thought of you and been depressed about it.

 

You broke my heart over ICQ at work and wouldn’t tell me to my face. You avoided the guilt of seeing me cry.

 

You invited me out, twice in a weekend, and cancelled by SMS at the last minute both times. I was already on the train to meet up with you, but you wouldn’t talk to me about it, apart from the SMS.

 

You promised to talk, several times, and cancelled or changed your mind each time. You wouldn’t let me talk to you at work, because it was inappropriate. You wouldn’t let me talk to you during work hours, because you weren’t comfortable.

 

You said we should remain friends, and then gave me the silent treatment, making me feel guilty that we weren’t friends anymore.

 

You made me feel guilty for being friends with P. You told me you were upset about me telling P about my feelings for you. You made every conversation we had turn into a conversation about my friendship with P. You told me not to trust P, and you once used P as an excuse not to speak to me.

 

You stopped greeting me in the mornings or chatting to me during the day. I waited and waited for you to be ready to talk to me once more. I tried saying hi or starting casual conversations.

 

You ignored me in the street once. You walked right by and pretended I wasn’t there. I was shocked, and cried. What was the reason for this controlling and manipulative behaviour? Were you punishing me for telling you my feelings for you? For hassling you to talk to me when you needed space? You made me feel guilty.

 

Once, when I walked past you, you smiled at me. Once, you sent a message to my flickr account. I didn’t understand why you were doing that. You have me hope that you were ready to be friends again. But then you ignored me when I saw you during the day.

 

You told my friend P lies about me. You said I had been mean to you, and that I had been ignoring you. You didn’t ever tell those things to me. I became very angry. I’d thought it was all over. But you continued to make me feel bad through P, even after you’d left. You pretended you were the victim. You explained away my love for you as simply a ploy.

 

I hoped that we could become friends once more. Right now, I’d settle for strangers. I don’t like your hostility. I don’t like the games. I don’t like having my heart treated like it has.

 

Do you have a severe self esteem problem? Did you like the attention I gave you when we were seeing each other? Did you delude yourself into thinking it was all fake, just so you could keep me around, without needing to admit that my love was in vain? Were you too cowardly to tell me how you thought about me? Were you still too cowardly, weeks after I had asked you, to do it in person?

 

One day, I will be over you. My heart will no longer carry feelings for you. When that happens, my pain will be gone. I’ll be able to forget all that happened and it will no longer mean anything to me.

 

Sleeping dogs don’t lie.

 

No Spaces Rob

[No Spaces Rob]

I think that rather than going away, my grief has turned into some sort of long term depression - I have felt bad for some time now.

 

For instance I've been depressed about my job recently and I have even looked at job listings and asked my friends about their job, believing I have a crappy boss and my job has little prospect for career advancement.

 

But what if I am in denial, and this is all just due to my depression, which is me repressing my grief over this heart break?

 

For weeks I have felt bad about my job, and myself, and my friends, and more. I think I might just be feeling bad in general.

 

What is the likelihood that a painful experience such as this can trigger some sort of long term depression? What are my options? I stopped going to therapy about 2 months after it happened, thinking I could handle it from then on. Is this current feeling something to worry about?

 

-----

edit: the mutual friend i work with mentioned her the other day. they have been in touch. Plus I am still dreading having to spend the weekend with her in a few weeks.

[chattymcchatterson]

If there is a possibility it might be clinical depression, see someone, what can it hurt? The doc will know the signs. Once you are in a depression, it is hard to get out without some help, chemical or otherwise. And it is not always clear when you are in it.

[No Spaces Rob]

Thank you chattymcchatterson, I did see a counseller which ended a number of weeks ago and it was very helpful. I credit it with helping me to gain self-confidence.

 

The mutual friend mentioned her today and started asking about her. She talked to me a bit about it and while it was a little awkward and there were a couple of misunderstandings I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted.

 

She actually said some pretty wise things.

 

She said "It's crap for you that you feel that way and things still upset you. But I guess the important thing is to realise is that she didn't turn out to be the person you fell for".

 

She was also surprised that I'd felt that way. Because I hadn't really spoken to her about it before. And she also pressured me to reveal some of the things that (the girl) had said about her to me. Which was a little uncomfortable.

[g44]

let it go...really...

 

one really quick question...when u know that there is really no reason to be thinking or acting this way...why does one do it. i mean - lets say u have told someone everything u want...say, u have ended a relationship, made it clear its over, no return, done, finished, and that u don't even want to be friends, or even look at the person - and they say...ok...gotcha...deal...no worries...why would u continue to rant and roll when its a done deal....

 

honestly...let it go and relax....

[No Spaces Rob]

Actually g44, this is an old thread and I revisited here to update people on the progress I am making and share some good and interesting news.

 

In regard to your "let it go and relax" comment, "letting it go" and "relaxing" has always been my goal. Achieving that is what has been difficult. I find that people who have told me to "just let it go" and "forget about her" are giving particularly unhelpful advice and are being dismissive of my problems. Do they assume I'm not trying to forget about her? That I want to keep torturing myself? This is as if I have asked for help on how to let it go and relax, and the answer I am get in return is "let it go and relax".

[moonflowers]

Rob... I totally understand what you're going through. My parents have never had a breakup before (they married each other, and they're each other's first loves!). Consequently, they just fail to understand that "needing time to heal" and "needing to talk things through" aren't the same as "dragging my feet and refusing to let go," and they give me an unnecessarily hard time about it.

 

I feel hurt and belittled when they rant at me about not "wanting" to let go, too, but I try to see the positive - they say this to me because they really want me to be happy again, and this is the best they know. If they knew what to say to help me, I'm sure they would, but in many cases they don't know enough about the situation, or on how to let go, so they're reduced to repeating this piece of advice. The best I can do in this situation is just to accept that they won't ever be able to understand me, so I shouldn't bring up my ex around them.

 

I wish there was some foolproof procedure to let go, but it's one of those gradual processes that take daily effort and attention. The five stages of grief are a good guideline to what you'll have to go through. I strongly believe that if you truly want to let go and heal, it will definitely happen someday. It's frustrating when it seems like it's going nowhere, but every single day, you're making progress and getting better. Even the "backsliding" days have a purpose - the pain forces us to move on and grow, since we wouldn't change ourselves if we were in a comfortable situation.

 

As for the mutual friend... it might be best to tell her, respectfully, never to bring up the ex again, or not at least for quite a while. I had to do that with one of my friends, too, since he kept feeding me "ex updates" that left me more wrecked than anything else. Generally speaking, mutual friends don't really understand the emotional impact of these revelations, and some even believe that they're doing you a favor by keeping you in the know, so they may need to be told otherwise.

 

Best wishes in your healing, Rob.

[No Spaces Rob]

Hi moonflowers, thank you very much for your reply. The mutual friend is pretty clued in. She knows it is a touchy subject for me and although I have seen her every work day for months she has only even mentioned her a couple of times and never with the intention of feeding me 'updates'. She is generally very curious and big on gossip, so she is showing true restraint in this case like a good friend.

 

Thanks again for your reply.

 

One of the bad things I've noticed is that now that it's been some time since she left, I feel as if it is no longer appropriate for me to discuss it with anybody. That to still be talking about her after this much time is so pathetic it is unthinkable. I know this is an unreasonable thought, but just a couple of people give me this impression ("honestly just forget about her"). I dunno, maybe I will give the counselling a bit more of a go.

 

Or maybe I'll just set myself some goals.

[moonflowers]

I get the same, "Will you just get over it already!" from my friends and family. I guess they're just running out of patience to listen to me, especially the ones that have never been dumped before themselves.

 

I'm fairly sure many other forum members here will attest to the fact that healing takes just as long as it needs to, and varies from person to person, but nobody does it overnight. If you feel like you're "stuck in a rut," the counseling's a great idea; just don't give yourself stress over how long you take.

 

You will take exactly as long as you need, and as long as you're not repressing the pain or trying to smother it by partying hard/ hooking up/ rebounding, you're already doing an admirable job.

 

Best wishes!

[No Spaces Rob]

Hi all,

 

I feel as if I'm cured right now. Permanently.

 

Today I found out that she is going out with one of my workmates.

 

The mutual friend told me. She also said she was really sorry for reminding me and she didn't mean to upset me etc.

 

But I had a bit of a chat with her about it, and for some reason I feel much better now.

 

Hearing about how the girl who hurt me so much is now dating (or perhaps stringing along) another workmate doesn't really fill me with the depression I expected it would, in fact I find some weird sense of satisfaction, as if I don't care - in fact in a way I care more about him than her now. I hope she doesn't treat him the way she treated me. She needs people because she is insecure and if someone should happen to fall in love with her, she'll milk it until she feels uncomfortable and deal with the discomfort by passive aggressiveness and giving the cold shoulder.

 

Also, being able to talk about the issues with my friend - it's been a bit of a no go zone until now - has made me feel better as I know it's off my chest. I felt as if my friend had the wrong impression of me and it made be a little annoyed. But I think we understand the truth more now. I feel as if the pain is acknowledged, and safe to talk about now. So I feel less desire to talk about it.

 

Perhaps you interpret this as bitterness. I don't think it is - I think I am living up to reality, and I am so very amazed at how absent of emotion I am about this whole thing. This is sudden - up until now I have been feeling angry, sad or depressed but that seems gone right now.

 

Anyway that is how I'm feeling right now. It's subject to change - maybe I'll feel bad about it again later, but I simply don't think I will.

 

Thought I'd update you on what I feel is a bit of success.

[moonflowers]

Wow, you're definitely handling this news much better than I did when I found out my ex was seeing someone new. Congratulations on your progress!

 

Remember, even if you slip back, you made it here - and you will pass it someday too. Best wishes!