What should I do?

[lyndsey2000]

Hi everyone, I have married to my husband for 2 years now, after 1 1/2 years of dating. I was pregnant when we got married. My son is now 1 and 1/2 years old. Our marriage didn't have a good start since I was pregnant, so we didn't have a honeymoon, lots of sex, and all of that. He always try to be a good husband, because he said he did not want our marriage to end in divorce like his parents'. He never gets mad at me, he tries to do nice stuffs. We did not have a lot of sex since we got married, because he has been so busy with work. He is always tired when we go to bed, and lately, our sex life has been improved: we have sex once a week on weekend. I totally understand his situation. A few months ago, I found out that he looked at porn on the internet. I was very upset, so I confronted him. I made him promise not to do it again, or I will be very sad. And he did promised. Until this morning, I checked his email account, and I saw some evidence of him having an account on some sex websites. Besides, I also found out that he has opened a po box at a post office close to his work. Sometimes I was kidding about buying a sex movie so we can watch together. He always denies, and says that he is not interested, and sex movies are bad for you.... I am very confused and upset right now about two things: he is watching porn even though he promised, and why did he have a separate po box? Everyone, please tell me if this is normal for a guy to do? I don't know much about guys, so I need some advices, please! Should I confront him this time, or should I just keep it to myself? I am afraid if I confront him, then he will be more careful about it next time, because apparently he didn't do what he promised. What should I do? Is it ok for me to feel angry at him? Thanks.

[Aschleigh]

I would be more concerned with the PO box thing that he didn't tell you about.

Watching porn isn't particularly healthy in my opinion but maybe just a phase with him.

Either way you need to talk to him openly about your concerns. You have a child and your own health to take care of. You may need some couples counseling. Or if you have a trusted mutual friend or family member to talk to together. Don't just ignore it ,if it bothers you , speak up.

[melrich]

You should have a talk to him about it but try not to do it in an accusatory way.

 

It is understandable with a youg child and your husband working hard to pay for things that your sex life would suffer. The porn thing I can also understand. There is far less pressure in relieving sexual tension by yourself than with your partner.

 

Having said that, he needs to understand that he has responsibilities to you as well. Try and talk to him about it without judging or accusing. It does sound liek he is generally a loving husband and father but you could be seeing the first stages of him withdrawing a bit.

[hardcharger]

lyndsey, it is quite typical of men to look at porn and masturbate, whether they are sexually happy in their marriage or not.(speaking from "vast" personal experience, 20 yr married) there is a good possibility that the PO box is because he is ordering porn and having it sent there. I would not confront him or try to catch him, I would accept this as a typical male behavior that is meaningless. Don't be offended. Please , do not get angry.

 

Now the sex life of only once a week so early in a marriage is troubling. Do you best to be a good sex partner, my wife is and that has meant so much to me in my marriage and has balanced out so much of the negative stuff.

[lyndsey2000]

Thank you for your input. I know that once a week or sometimes once a month is not healthy, but I do not think that it is my part. He is always tired, that's why I am confused to find out that he is interested in porn. I tried to act normal, but I cannot. Now he knows that there is a problem, because I cannot hide it very well when something is going on. So do you think that it's still a good thing to do to ignore it, if he is not interested in sex with me that much? He is 10 years older than me, he is 34. Do you think men are slowing down on sex when they are in their 30's? That's what I would like to think, but I don't know. Thanks.

[Momene]

I think he needs to come straight about it. I sometimes look at porn but honestly can't remember when. If it's a daily habit, it's not healthy. Once a week is OK. More to the point, how much money is he spending on it? Could it be putting a dent in your finances?

 

Yes, tiredness is a big turn off for both men and women. Men do slow down in their 30s but it happens gradually and you don't normally notice it.

 

Perhaps also his tiredness could be a sign of depression.

[vandgsmom]

Well, I don't have a sexual reportoire to pull stats from, but the men that I work with that are in their 30's end up reminding me of horny teenage boys more than the ones in their 20's most of the time. And the ones in their 40's are even worse. Unless he has some kind of a medical problem (hpb or whatnot) he should still have a pretty raging libido, especially with a 24 year old hot young thang in the house.

 

The porn should really be a non issue. If he still comes to your bed every night and isn't imposing weird sexual fantasies on an unwilling partner, then be grateful he is just satisfying a fleeting curiosity or the passing hard-on with his girly junk and not cheating on you. Even the most high-minded men will occasionally get interested in porn. For alot of them , I think it is a passing hobby, just like fishing or golf.

 

I would be more interested in the PO box. Tell him that if he is going to get mail, it dadgum better be at the house, and if you two are ever going to have trust, then let you see what he is recieving. Then maybe you might need to think about being a little more open about the porn. There is a ton of soft-core stuff out there that maybe you would be comfortable enjoying with him..... It might just be the shock to the system he needs to come back 100% sexually to you....