Help (kinda long)

[menotyou]

First I have to say how much this website has been an inspiration to me over the past 6 weeks. I need a little advice if anyone would be so kind.

 

My story:

 

I was with the "love of my life" for just about 10 years and she dumped me about 6 weeks ago. During the initial few weeks I was a complete mess. I lost about 50lbs in the first month, no sleep, anxiety attacks, came close to loosing my job and many other horrible things. I am forced to attend therapy due to an incident where as much as I am ashamed to admit, I attempted to off myself. Since the therapy, I have learned alot. I have been making every attempt to put myself together and "move on" with my life.

 

My Problem:

 

Every time I feel like I am making any sort of progress, some sort of additional drama pops up and sends me back to square one. I have done every attempt to maintain NC, but I will admit that there have been 1-2 times where I drunk dialed (I did remove her number from my cell, but after being with someone that long you tend to remember the actual number).

 

I am tired of the drama that she is creating. For example. While I realize that neither of us have any obligation to each other, there is a bar which we both have gone to in the past. Her sister was close to the both of us and had in the past been somewhat of a mediator for several different issues. That being the case, she suggested that tuesday night be "her" night and weds night be "my" night to go to this bar as my ex does not want to see me.

 

I have been doing my best to take the "high road" throughout this whole ordeal and agreed. However, now it has been suggested that I stop going to this location on "my" night because she wants to go on weds as well to hang out with some work people.

 

Not only has this happened, but I have personally seen emails going back and forth between mutual friends where she is basically trying to convince them that I am a "bad" person and doesnt really want them to be my friends anymore.

 

I have also seen her driving around my apartment complex on numerous occasions. When I would see her it would make me think that she missed me or something as I have done the same thing in the past. By driving by, its not my intention to actually see her, but for some reason it brings some sort of comfort the times that I have done it. Well, for some reason something inside of my head clicked last weekend when I saw her drive by as I was sitting on my balcony. Could she be using my gym? Sure enough. I casually asked the management company if they had seen her recently and they informed me that I had just missed her. I dont think that is fair in the least bit as there are mutual animals that we got together that I am no longer able to spend any time with. They are "her" animals now.

 

I just want this drama to end. I am 27, successfull in my career, average looking, and I know what I want in life and several people tell me that I have "the whole package". But, even after all the other issues that have cropped up in the past 6 weeks, there is a huge part of me that still wants to get back together with her (I am trying desperately to loose that). I think that she knows that and is still trying to manipulate me.

 

I have honestly thought about just packing up and leaving, giving up and starting up somewhere fresh, but at the same time the events that have transpired have shown me who my "true" friends really are and its somewhat surprising to me as I have had issues with that in the past and im not sure what to do about that. I am extremely confused and dont know what to do.

[Scout]

Hi, and welcome to eNot, friend! I just wish different circumstances had led you here, but the fact is, something similar has brought many of here at one point or another. You can really get - and give - a lot from coming to this forum.

 

At the moment, all I can do is tell you I'm glad your suicide attempt didn't follow through. And believe it or not, one day you'll breath a hefty sigh of relief yourself that it didn't.

 

Basically, what you are going through right now is an incredibly traumatic event. You're all over the place with the emotions and feelings, and I can't tell you that will change overnight. This is going to take some time, it's gonna take some hard work on your part, but the good news is, at some point you will see light at the end of the tunnel. I practically guarantee it. Of course, right now, that day seems very far away. And perhaps it is - but maybe not as far as you think.

 

My initial suggestion is to strongly suggest you stop drinking until you are out of the deepest part of the woods. Alcohol is poison for you right now. Trust me on this. It makes you feel ten times worse, and seriously clouds your judgement. Right now, you need to be 100% focused on getting your wits and yourself together, so that you can begin the sometimes joyful, sometimes very painful, path to healing.

 

Will you two get back together? I don't know. No one does, not you, your ex, or anyone on this forum. And I know right now you feel you can't think of anything else. But as strange as it might sound, this complete reversal/change in your life might turn out to lead you down some amazing roads at some point. So tighten up! Put down the bottle when you get tempted. It is not a tool that will serve you in any way as you navigate the times ahead.

[menotyou]

I go to the bar due to the fact that there really isnt anything else to do in the area that I am. Not really a heavy drinker, but go there to spend time with my friends and not go completely insane sitting at home. These "breaks" have happened in the past, we have always gotten back together but the difference this time is that Im not pining after her and acting like a fool begging for her to come back and work things out.

 

I just dont understand why she still has this control over me. What difference should it make anyways since she was the one who ultimately ended things?

[menotyou]

Its almost like she "knows" when im starting to get back on my feet and at least try to move on, but then she does something else and not only rips the wounds open again but pours salt on them.

[Bethany]

Well I certainly wouldn't stop going wherever I please because of someone else. The decision would be mine, not theirs. Stand your ground if you think you are strong enough.

 

Is there any chance you could get a new animal of your own? Pets are great comfort and heal us faster than any night spent in alone. If it IS possible, I recommend a dog as you can use them to get out of the house and girls are always a sucker for a puppydog face.

[Oldboy]

You’re letting her have this control over you. You’re letting too many things in your life be dictated by her. She broke up with you; why should she tell you what night you can go to the bar? Right now she is a person you used to know. She will be a person you used to know in five years time as well. Will you still be not going to the bar when she is there five years from now?

Go to the gym whenever you want, it’s your choice. Her choice was to dump you. Your choice should then be to walk away with dignity.

It is good to hear you say that you are not pining for her. This is a positive. Focus on yourself and continue to do so. Don’t go driving around wasting your time it’s too precious to you. You should be using your time to work on yourself.

I understand that this is so hard with things coming are at you in all directions. It must so hard when you try to end your life to get away from the pain. But there is someone there for you and they are always there when you need them. That person is you. You need yourself now. Be sure of yourself and that you can see this through. You are still here and fighting.

Remember if you are strong enough nobody can put you down. If she is telling stories about you this is just another burden on your shoulders right now.. but this is easy to bear. Rise above this… walk on tall. People aren’t stupid. If they see you are above all this then you can rest assured that they will decide who is right and who is wrong. Don’t worry about lies. Lies only hurt the people who tell them.

You tried to end all this. You were sent back. Here’s another chance for you… Grab it with both hands. Be respectful of yourself, grow and learn. Then; if (Sorry when) you get through all this you will see changes in others towards you.

Get out there and do stuff.

[menotyou]

Ive thought about getting a dog, but seeing as how im having enough trouble taking care of myself right now, I dont think it would be fair to the dog.

 

As far as standing my ground, I have been doing my best to do so. However, if its not one thing its another.

 

Friends have clearly "taken sides" by this point and I just want to come out of this knowing that I did the right thing and wasnt a complete * * * *head.

 

Im receiving enourmous pressure from her sister and my ex's best friend to not go there. Even though her sister was the one that assisted with the "arrangement". I guess you could also say that in some sense its also fuel for the fire as Im noticing alot about my ex's character. But at the same time I still long for her.

 

From what ive been told, "time will heal all wounds", but its like it keeps getting reset every time I think I might actually be "healing".

[menotyou]

Oldboy: I hope that im not "pining" after her. I do in my heart still regret what has happened and in my heart I am still pining, but Im not physically doing things to try to "make" her come back like I have in the past.

 

Another thing is that she's not doing this "directly". All of this is coming through the grapevine since she doesnt want to see me.

 

I know that she is still controlling me and believe me, its not just after the breakup that that was the case. I just dont know how to let go of her and the relationship that we once had.

 

In addition, by me taking the "high-road" throughout all of this, from what I have heard alot of her "friends" are seeing the true person she really is and starting to move away from her. Is it wrong that I find comfort in that? It was honestly not my intention for that to happen.

[menotyou]

There's alot more too this from before the relationship hit a "dead-end". Over the past 10 years I asked her to marry me on 2 separate occasions. The first time she said no, the second she said she would have to think about it. This was a complete blow because for 2 1/2 years all I would hear about was how she wanted to get married. I wanted to, but not because I was being pressured. Shortly after the second time she moved out.

 

I was a complete mess when she and her family came over to move her things out of our "home". When they were almost finished for the day her mother and sister both told me that this was just a phase and she would evetntually get over it. I accepted that even though my gut instinct told me that this would be the path it lead too, but I continued to be involved with her.

 

Sure enough, a couple of months later she tells me that before she will marry me she would have to "be" with someone else. I didnt speak with her for a couple of weeks and was pretty intent on ending the relationship myself, but somehow we ended up reconciling. After that, things were going really really well. Better than longer than I can remember. Then out of the blue she said that she needed to put our relationship on hold.

 

This sorta sent me over the edge. After all I have been through since the beginnig of this year with her moving out and what she told me at the bar? I told her that I was tired of having all of these little "breaks" and that if she didnt know after almost 10 years that we were meant to be together that she would probably never know.

 

I made the decision after my major mistake that "forced" me into therapy that I wasnt going to sit around and wait for her to realize the mistake and what she would be loosing. I just dont understand why she still thinks that she has the ability to dictate what happens in MY life.

[menotyou]

Oh yeah, I also just found out that my father has a major heart condition that could very well end his life. Boy... when it rains it pours.

[Oldboy]

You gotta get outta here and back to yourself. Ten years is a long time to be with someone. It seems to me you are lost in her. You have put up with her comings and goings for long enough now. Get yourself back and get out there and live your life without her and her games. You were in such a low point in your life because of this that you tried to end it. If she knew your emotional state at this time she should have backed off with the bull * * * *. Look at this situation from outside. Understand what you have been through with her. Of course you still want her you were 17 when you met her and have been with her through the years that form you into a man. Also understand that you need no-one in this life but yourself. You are the only one who can get you through this. You are the only one who can face it.

Come on man you're 27 years old, good job, good AT your job. How many girls are there looking for someone like you. Average looks doesn't come into it. It's who you are that counts. Be yourself. Be respectful of yourself and others will treat you with respect. Don't give anything out to people who show no respect for you. Walk away from all this with dignity and your soul in tact.

Of course she is controlling you still. The lies she tells to people about you is controlling you. Making you feel like this is controlling you. It's perfectly normal for you to feel bad about her friends distancing themselves from her and seeing through the lies. It shows you still care. You still love her.

So you want her back. Put yourself in a place where you don't want her back.

Make your decision to either keep pining for her or release her from your needs.

[menotyou]

I want to move on. I really really do. If there isnt something or someone out there better than this then why are we all here.

 

Ive been "getting out there" as much as possible. Ive been working out again, dieting, spending time with family and friends, and all the things that have been suggested by my therapist as well as the extremely helpfull posts on this forum.

 

I just dont know how to let her go. I have been told by everyone that I should show up on Tuesday night. If nothing else, but to prove to her that she can no longer control my life. It is a public place and I have just as much of a right to be there as anyone else. BTW, I dont remember if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but they have given me crap about going on weds night now too, and telling everyone that the only reason I want to go there is out of spite for her. That is totally not the case. I was the original person that started going there to begin with.

 

I just wish I could let go.

[Oldboy]

We are all here for two things: to grow and be happy. The two go hand in hand.

If you're happy to go to the bar then go to the bar.

It's your choice to do what the hell you want. It's a free country. You're there for a drink. Tell the people who are giving you crap for going there that you are there for a drink and don't even think about saying any more about it.

If you think you'll be happy without her in your life then let her go. It all comes down to you letting go not wishing you COULD let go.

[menotyou]

So how do I actually let go? How do I get her out of my thoughts and my dreams? How do I stop myself from wishing that she would come back when I know in my head it would probably be the wrong thing?

[HOPELESSINCT]

Yes, it does seem sometimes that when it rains it pours. Just hang in there. My relationship was almost as long as yours and its only been a little over a month since the breakup. I did the driving past he x's house, it was comfort for a short moment but then it was pain. Pure and simple so I stopped. My father committed suicide and as a survivor I can tell you I am very happy you didn't suceed. Try to remember that you need to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do for you now and don't let anyone else, not even your x, tell you what that is. I wish you the best of luck and will say a pray for your father and you.

[Riggz41510]

Hey bro,

 

I'm also 27 and going through the stress of an 8 year relationship that went down the tubes. Its going to be a bumpy road. All I can tell you is that it does get a little better with time.

 

Just try to get rid of anything that brings back memories of her.

 

I too was bad mouthed by my ex. She talked about me to my friends and her family. I guess this helps them to justify why they are doing what they are. This forum is great, you will get so much helpful advice.

 

Just know that you are not alone in what you are feeling right now.. This is my 3rd time going through it with this woman and it doesn't make it any easier.

[menotyou]

Today marks 6 weeks. On the 1 month "anniversary" of our demise, I get an email from her requesting 3 things (2 plants and a bookshelf) that she left. It was kinda nasty as I was basically accused of holding them hostage because the 3 things were something she wanted. That was not the case. I was actually told by her best friend several weeks before the email that anything left in the apartment could be thrown away as far as she was concerned.

 

Like ive mentioned before, Ive been trying to take the high road and not do anything that I might regret personally or prohibit any sort of reconciliation whatsoever, so I made arrangements with her sister to take them to her. I saw that email as her attempting to break me down again as she had heard about another girl who had a crush on me or something.

 

I knew that there were more items in the apartment that were sentimental to her and basically went through the entire apartment (rooms, drawers, closets, etc.) and boxed everything up, then her sister came to pick them up.

 

She was surprised at the amount of stuff and the both of them seem to think I was doing that out of "spite" as well, but I did it in order to prevent any emails in the future requesting something she may have forgotten.

 

Oh, she had also requested copies of digital pictures that were on my computer (she doesnt have a computer so pics from both of our digital cameras were on my computer). I told her sister that I am unable to look at those pictures at this time and in order to burn the pics to a CD I would be required to look at them. Should I even bother with them, or wait until I am able to look at them without breaking down?

[Oldboy]

Your ex seems to want to be difficult and demanding with you for some reason. Maybe she's just trying to rub you up the wrong way and push you to your limits. Or maybe she is going through her own emotional upheaval over the breakup. Anger at you for maybe not giving her the reaction she wants. Trying to control you. Remember she can still control your emotions by doing these things.

If you want to let her go then do so. It's all in your mind. Concentrate on yourself. Do things you want to do. Get on with YOUR life and don't allow her to upset or hurt you. Don't cowtow to her needs and wants. You do this by working on yourself. Read the other posts in this forum and learn how you need no-one in your life to make you a whole person. You are already whole you just need to know that. Listen to you therapist too. But LISTEN and take in what you hear. Follow it like instructions on how to heal. The people who post on these forums are very knowledgable of the heartache you are feeling so take in what they say you are not alone in this.

Her treatment of you is and has been questionable. But how you react is up to you and only you.

If you can't burn the disc then ask a friend to do it. Don't contact or listen to stuff about her until you are in a better place. Get to that place.

[menotyou]

Is this some sort of sign that she might possibly want to still be with me. Could it be that she regrets breaking up with me and the fact that she knows im not sitting around at home "waiting" for her like I have in the past? As sick as it is I think that might be the case and its putting some sort of hope in the back of my head.

 

I know im a little crazy about this, but in my mind love is something that lasts. I guess ive been somewhat conditioned due to the fact that we've broken up in the past on multiple occasions, but always managed to find each other again.

[Oldboy]

Ok, so you're not sitting around waiting for her this time. Is it the case that because you are moving on that she is reacting in such a way? Is she loosing control of you now and her actions to keep you tethered to her becoming more desperate?

Meaning: The more she sees that you are not reacting to her the more she will try to pull you in.

Do you want her to come back to you? If so; will you not have to put up with the same treatment you have put up with before.

She needs to sort herself out before you will have her back. This is what you have to work on. You have to put yourself in a postion of power here. Your own power over your own emotions. You have to work on yourself so that you have no need for her in your life... you want her... fair enough but you have to understand you don't need her. You must put yourself in that place where if she wants to come back YOU make the decision to have her back. You decide whether you want her back or not. You must put strength in your heart to be able to say no. You should only want someone in your life who will add to your life.

If you can't say no to someone who you have decided will not add to your life then you have no power over yourself.

You are weak just now. Put yourself in a position of strength.

[menotyou]

I dont know if I want her to come back. A huge part of me does, but not without changes in the relationship on both of our part. Ive always been willing to do that, but it doesnt seem like should would ever be able too.

 

Ive realized over the past 6 weeks that I dont "need" her. I can still breathe after all even though I feel like a huge part of me was ripped away.

 

Im pretty sure that she will NEVER come back. She is too stubborn and has way too much pride to be the one that comes "crawling back". Every time I try to accept that and move on, something more happens.

[Oldboy]

I get the feeling you and me are in the same boat. We want them back but not without major changes.

I'm getting on with my life in the meantime cos I know that's the best thing for me to do. I'm doing it for myself. Doing things I want to do for a change. I gave too much of myself to our relationship and lost myself in her.

I still want her back but I know I MUST get to a place where I won't want this anymore. I already don't need her ... I've proved that to myself.. I just want her.

You've got to do the same too: Get back to yourself. Live your life for yourself just now... for your own benefit. Grow and learn like were supposed to do on this planet..while you have the chance.

I think a lot of the time we get to dependent on the other person in our life and we don't allow ourselves air to breathe. We're always living our lives through the other.

[ozomega]

I really relate to what you are going through having been through something similar myself.

 

Your obsession with your x will not go away until you focus on something else.

 

My advice (for what it's worth) is to spend more time with your dad.

He needs all the support he can get right now, what with his health problem. So does your mum need support. Your parents can always be relied upon to love and care for you no matter what. That woman you are still obsessing over obviously can not be relied upon to give you any emotional support.

 

Focus on your family, keep busy and you will find that this woman has less and less power to control you and how you are feeling.

 

My own story I will tell another time. Believe me it's a doozy-even Jerry Springer would be amazed! SO I really do understand how hard it is t focus on something else-but that's what you need to do to start feeling better.

 

Reading this forum has helped me so much and I hope my own advice might also help someone in some way. I'm amazed that so many people have gone through the same kinds of feelings I did following my huge relationship disappointment-just as you obviously are still going through that hell right now. Every aspect of my life was affected. My employers sent me for counselling, I turned up at work after a big night out drowning my sorrows and I was breath tested and still over the limit for working. My reputation at work suffered, my finances suffered, I'd started drinking and smoking heavily after a lifetime of abstinence...everything went downhill. Then just when I'd hit rock bottom my grandfather died on my birthday and it made me realise I should've been spending more time with my grandfather instead of wasting all that time time pining for that woman who had promised to be a good wife and love me forever, but who obviously didn't really care for me. Once your father/grandfather or whoever else really cares for you is gone it's too late. You don't know what's really important til you lose it.

 

The buddhists say all life is suffering and that suffering is caused by clinging to things as they are/were, not wanting them to change. But this 'clinging' is futile because everything inevitably changes. Whether you call it 'karma' or the 'law of entropy', everything eventually changes and falls apart. Whether we are talking about relationships, motor cars, or our own bodies, everything changes and eventually ends. The relatonship you had with the woman who you obviously still miss ... that relationship can never be recaptured, it's changed. Even if you ever did get back together it would be different because you've both changed. Don't cling to what's past-remember it, cherish it and let it go.

 

That's my advice.

 

All the best and hey...I really do feel for you man, hope your dad makes a good recovery.

[Oldboy]

Hey ozomega what a great post. You're right in everything you say and it sounds like you know how hard it is to go through this thing we are all going through.

In the end you gotta focus on the people who really matter and that's yourself and your family.

Love the ones who love you, not the ones who don't.