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Could REALLY do with an ear and some advice

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Tell her that you love her and want the relationship to work but it won't if it is out of balance and what she wants would be badly out of balance. It should not be on any one partner's terms but a joint decision to work things out with negotiation and compromise - or it will surely fail.

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Hi James,


You are right, you cannot be with someone whom makes the relationship all on "her terms", and you DO have needs, and it is not YOUR job to give give give, and never receive.


Honestly, I think it would be better for you to walk away from this, rather than get involved with her if this is her attitude towards you and relationships.


You can NEVER meet her friends because she can't be herself? Just what is this "herself" she apparently keeps from you? What is she up to really she can't have you there? She does not want to put any effort in to being with you? Well, she needs to learn that relationships will always require effort. She can't be "bothered" to tell you she loves you? Well...that to me shows she does not truly love you hon.


I have NO doubt she has a lot of issues to deal with in regards to her rape, and her father. But, that is NO reason to treat you so horribly, or to make it all on "her terms" either. She needs to help herself, and you cannot do it for her.


It's not about giving it up sweetie, it's about realizing you deserve better, and should NEVER settle for someone whom does not respect and love you fully & completely.


I would tell her that you only want a relationship if it's a mutual effort between BOTH of you, and not all on her terms. And if she disagrees to that, I hope dearly that you do walk away from this situation....she has a lot of growing to do herself and is not a healthy partner to you.

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One question.....can patterns in relationships really change? Am i kidding myself that the arguing can stop?

It can if both of you find a better way to communicate. Discuss instead of argue. Listen instead of merely waiting for the other to stop talking so you can speak. Negotiate and compromise.
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I'm not saying that her actions now are right, but I think that it's not uncommon for a person to act this way. You initially dumped her by telling her you didn't see a future with her. She reacted out of pride and is now punishing you for hurting her. I think in time if you do work things out, it'll balance back but I think you'll have to be patient. She doesn't sound like an egomaniac, so at some point she'll realize she's acting like an * * * and probably stop. If she doesn't, then you'll have your answer. You may want to pull back regardless.


Good luck

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If she expects to receive everything without giving up anything, then I agree with others who have said you should walk away.


Now, with that said, it seems like a tricky situation because you DID break it off first. How long has it been since you initially dumped her? It seems like only a few days, and if that's the case then it will, unfortunately, probably take a lot longer than that for her to come to terms with what she really wants and needs in a relationship. The same goes for you, but you definitely should not be in a relationship where it is basically written in the "rules" that she doesn't have to do anything for you. It's ridiculous.

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