Forum, I Need You Now...

[guy0221]

For those of you that have been following my excruciating posts...thank you.

 

She called as I expected and jumped right into relationship talk. She asked if I would see her. I told her that would basically put me back in the same situation as before we broke up unless she was over her confusion about the other girl.

 

She explained what she had been through and what she had learned about herself. However, she is still unsure about the girl. This other girl lives far away and they are currently in NC. My ex is trying to clear her head and this NC is helping her.

 

I asked what she thought she might get from seeing me...her answer was that she hoped it would answer the confusion she currently has. (some background...we were apart in an LDR for 10 months and really didn't see much of each other when she came home...before the breakup).

 

She did realize what it would do to ME and how I might feel. This was a change from other conversations that were all about her. She said she is trying not to be selfish and she realizes what I am going through...but she still thinks that seeing me would help her come to realization.

 

I understand the risk involved...but does it outweigh the possible outcome of reconciliation?? I don't know. I am sure I would like to try again with her...she means more to me than anyone in my life.

 

I told her I would let her know my decision.

 

Any thoughts??? PLEEEEASSEEE.

[npc]

Hey bud, I'm far from an expert as I'm floundering in my own state of hell right now, but I've followed some of your posts and this really sounds like a significant change on her part. I guess you have to weigh the risk. If you really want her back I say nothing ventured - nothing gained.

[guy0221]

I'm going to tell her that I will see her. Nothing is going to come out of this silence...I'm going to put it on the line. I have to.

[guy0221]

Sorry to pry but I would really appreciate some advice on this...if I tell her that I will see her...what should the scenario be like?? dinner? coffee??

 

i'm nervous about the encounter.

 

Thanks to anyone that has the time.

[Viper62382]

I say go for it, I wish my ex would say lets meet. She says shes still not ready. 2 months and still not ready.

[npc]

I don't think I'd do dinner, but coffee would be ok. That way if she starts being wishy-washy you can just get up and leave. I wouldn't do too much comforting.

[guy0221]

Thanks guys...

 

I keep trying to think of the perfect scenario for us to meet. Something that would remind her of the similarities we share and the way we used to have so much fun doing anything.

 

I also don't know if this should be a "fun" get together, or a serious one. Should I let her dictate the encounter or should I?

 

Ugh, I hope someday I don't have to obsess over this stuff...I never used to be like this.

[_Ramirez_]

Go for it, you have nothing to lose really and it could clear things for her and let's be honest... you really want to go

 

Anyway, let her choose the place she want to meet so she feel secure. Just be nice and let her talk. Don't try to overdo it by selecting a "scenario", let it be really frendly and comfy. A little bit of alcohol (not too much tho) might help her relax a bit too something like a glass of wine... I know it help my gf relax when she's nervous.

 

It's summer, if she want you to choose the meeting maybe a drink on a outside followed by a long walk somewhere could be good.

[guy0221]

I am going to agree to meet.

 

I am a bit hesitant though...by agreeing to meet with her, aren't I compromising?? Isn't this saying, "whatever you want...i'll do it"??

 

I guess if I told her I would NOT see her, I would just regret the opportunity. Perhaps this will help me clear my head as well. Maybe I will see her and she will fall off the pedestal that I currently have her on in my head.

 

I don't know...aren't I just doing whatever she wants by seeing her?

[npc]

I think it depends on how the conversation progresses. If all she's looking for is comforting then I'd wrap things up and politely excuse myself. However, if she's saying the 'right things' then I'd see where things go. Only you know for sure what the 'right things' are, but I'd be expecting her to give some kind of indication that she wants to reconcile with you and move forward. If you see she is coming to this conclusion on her own and with a clear head then stick around and hear her out. Just my $.02, which after taxes is worthless.

[BONO]

Have you squared off the reasons why you split up in the first place. Moreover, do these fundamental factors still apply or is it just a bi product of NC ?

 

Think about it.

 

 

Scruff

[guy0221]

Have you squared off the reasons why you split up in the first place. Moreover, do these fundamental factors still apply or is it just a bi product of NC ?

 

Some of the issues have been resolved...i.e. her transition back from studying abroad, the reasons why we felt distant...HOWEVER, the one big reason is what she is still unsure about and that is the fact that her best friend abroad fell in love with her. She still does not know what to make of it (her friend is a lesbian for those who don't know).

 

She thinks seeing me will help tell her where her heart is at.

 

At this point, I'm sick of waiting so I think I will just meet her and see what transpires...I have an idea of the "right things" that I will be looking for...if those don't appear, I will make it short and sweet.

 

Does this make sense or should I even be going if she is not sure yet?????

 

Thanks everyone.

[shellshocked]

Guy.

 

I hate to tell you this, but I know ALOT about this since I’m a lesbian.

Your exgf IS confused. But it’s not because her best friend (who happens to be a lesbian) fell in love with her and now she doesn’t understand how she let her get that close to allow that to happen.

 

She’s confused because YOUR EX has feelings for this girl!!

 

Think about it.

When you were in your relationship and very much in love with your

girlfriend, if a gay man confessed to you that he had “fallen in love” with you,

would this have caused you to break up with your girlfriend??

 

Me, being a lesbian, if a straight man friend of mine came up to me and told me that he has fallen in love me, would this cause me to end a relationship that I was in, because i’m not sure how “I” could have allowed this to happen??

 

NO!!!

 

The only reason that this would cause me to end my relationship was

if i was having CONFUSING feelings about my sexuality.

If “I” was attracted to him and “maybe” considering a posiblilty that

I wasn’t gay.

 

And if this IS why your ex is confused (because she IS questioning

her sexuality) then this makes it even MORE tough for her than

if she had just met and fallen in love with another man.

She’s questioning everything thing she knew about herself.

 

It’s hard to leave the safe, secure world of heterosexuality an

venture out into a life that’s unknown and often criticized

and hated by others.

I'm sure it's especially hard to leave a loving bf like you seem to be

to "try" a HUGE lifestyle change such as this would be.

 

I can’t tell you what to do, or not do, concerning this meeting.

Lot’s of people have told you in the beginning what the best

thing to do is. But ultimately it’s up to us to choose.

 

Whatever you choose to do.

And whatever happens.

I wish you the best.

[guy0221]

shell - Even though I don't understand the feelings she is having, I do realize how incredibly tough it must be for her. She did tell me the last time we talked that she probably did/does have feelings for her friend.

 

I guess I know this and would like to have passed it off as the friends fault. Thanks for opening my eyes again.

 

I've heard that some people are just attracted to "people"...not sexes. I always thought this could be true although I could not relate. I'm thinking my exgf might be one of these people. not necessarily straight/gay/bi, but just able to be attracted to individuals.

 

It still hurts that she, in reality, cheated on me...perhaps I should focus more on that fact that I was hurt and who cares what she is going through...I just can't do that though.

 

do you think it's possible for her to have feelings for this girl but her heart still be with me? This is essentially the reason she wants to meet...to help figure out where her heart is at.

 

If we do get back together, I feel like I will always be weary of the fact that she had/has feelings for someone else too...no matter the sex of that person.

[Massari]

Guy seeing her is a good idea..but FOR HER not for you. you will have feelings again for her. you have feelings now for her but as you mentioned you are trying to move on. your heart wants to meetup with her cause you think it may be leading on to you 2 get back together but please consider the high probability of that not happening at the moment. she did mention your feelings which is great and seems like she is coming back to her senses..meet her as though you have no expectations from this meeting.. if this is one of her " I need to know myself BS its gonna he harsh on you "

[kellbell]

Hey there Guy,

 

Sorry I have not been posting in your threads lately, I moved cross-country. LOL

 

Anyhow, I would make the meeting on YOUR terms. Set the time and date, and where to meet. Take charge of this situation. But in honestly, do you really want to date a girl whom is utterly confused about her life, the direction it is taking, her sexuality? I mean, you are taking a HUGE risk by seeing her again. She is an emotional time bomb, I see this girl and the point she is at life causing you a great deal of pain, more so than it has already. There is nothing wrong with looking out for your best interest at this point. Please try not to take on this girl as a "project" or saving the damsel in distress, or taking her under your wing kind of thing. In that sense, you two are no where near equal footing on many levels, thus causing you and her a lot of pain. IMO, if she cared about you or loved you, SHE would break up with you instead of dragging you in this mess. True, it would be painful for you if she did that, it would hurt for a short time, but in the LONG run, you would be better off.

 

In this meeting, I would cut to the chase. No pleasantries, no BSing around. IMO, this relationship has been over for quite some time. Let her find herself...alone.

[guy0221]

Thanks Kell and hope the move went well.

 

I have felt like she did break up with me...I've never treated this as a break except maybe the first week or so. Since then, whenever we've talked about it, it's been "break up". I think she dragged me along at the beginning, when she was initially trying to figure out her situation...she then broke up with me, now she has cleared her mind a bit (according to her).

 

The sexuality thing is the only thing left...and A BIG THING I know.

 

I had come to the conclusion that I would accept the meeting and do exactly what you (kell) told me not to do...that is...make it a pleasant meeting...no questions on my end...leave it up to her. I am kind of curious to see how I still feel about her. Maybe I will not even like the person I see...who knows.

 

If she brings up the relationship, I will dive in with her...but until then, I was just going to treat it like a friendly get together....

 

Am I going about this in the exact wrong way? why do you think it should be a no-BS, straight to the point meeting? I already know how she feels at the moment...seeing each other might make us both realize something.

 

Thanks kell, I'm confused again.

[guy0221]

well i called her last night and said i would be ok to see her.

 

we are going to go eat sushi and then whatever.

 

the call was kinda weird...planning the get together was awkward since we are used to just doing whatever we want with each other...she mentioned once how "this feels like we are in 7th grade".

 

we actually laughed quite a bit during the conversation...that was nice.

 

i told her i didn't want to have any expectations tonite and she agreed. i'm not getting my hopes up for reconciliation at this point. i just feel like i need a change of pace and hopefully this will bring about some clarity as to where she stands and myself as well.

 

any advice on how to go about tonite would be much appreciated.

 

thanks!

[simonthecasey]

Be yourself mate she is feeling all like she did at the beggining of the relationship which is good. Just be happy talk about intersting things dont bring up anything about the relationship unless she wants to talk about it.

 

And most importantly DONT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS!!!!!

 

 

[Massari]

 

And most importantly DONT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS!!!!!

 

 

 

many good perspectives here for the meeting up someone them which I didn't think of (i.e. she feels like the beginning of the relationship) I know how hard it is to not have expectations cause deep down this is the reason you are meeting up with her you want to get back with her. I say go but at the same time make it clear to her that these meetings cannot be like her emails and text messages, confusion after confusion, emotional rollercoaster her feeling confused and not sure what she wants.. definding herself. best of luck let me know how it went.. I WANT TO SEE YOU EITHER HEALED OR MOVED ON

[kellbell]

Hey there Guy,

 

Yes, I have to agree, do not have expecations. But also, find out for sure waht she wants. I am not understanding why you want to stay in pergatory all this time. Enough is enough my friend.

 

Be your own advocate, it is okay to what is right for you. Good luck and let us know how things turned out.

[guy0221]

Thanks all.

 

I will let you know how it goes tonite. I'm very nervous but I'm just going to try and be myself...let the conversation progress naturally and tackle any relationship issues if/when they arise.

 

I do have one question left. I am picking her up and will be dropping her back off. What happens if we catch each others eye at nights end...it will be very tempting to kiss her.

 

I don't want to give myself ANY FALSE HOPE! but if it feels natural, should I not just be myself further and kiss her?

 

maybe i am overanalyzing.

[kellbell]

"it will be very tempting to kiss her."

 

Personally, after all that happened and what she has put you through, kissing her would be very inappropriate and could sway you from what is really going on, it can cloud your judgement.

 

Of course, you need to do what feels right, but from an outside persepctive, any kind of physical intimacy would be out of the question.

 

Good luck.

[Massari]

"it will be very tempting to kiss her."

 

Personally, after all that happened and what she has put you through, kissing her would be very inappropriate and could sway you from what is really going on, it can cloud your judgement.

 

Of course, you need to do what feels right, but from an outside persepctive, any kind of physical intimacy would be out of the question.

 

Good luck.

 

 

couldn't agree more... minimize any physical contact. you DO NOT WANT TO feel attached to her,

[skate]

oh i hope things went well I also hope you realize that she did want to meet you b/c she is confused and confusion doesn't get solve in one night so although you went in w/o expectations don't base everything on how she acted on one meeting.