Problem of a pal

[savannahohsavannah]

I have a pal who is dating a man who is gay. I know he's gay, and so does she. I see she's falling in love with him, and I think it could be a bad deal for her. He used to tell people that he's bisexual, but in the last decade or so, they're not young, he's been calling himself GAY. What do you think about this situation?

I'm not about to say anything, but I don't know what it means to be gay versus being bi. I had one pal who was always torn about whom she wanted to be with, men or women, but she was the sum total of my experience in listening to someone talk about how they feel.

 

Could anyone help me out and tell me what they think about her situation?

 

Savannah

[Dako]

Some women just love gays.

Oh aren't they so cute, and fashionable, and articulate. Nothing like those crude and ponderous straights.

 

It's probably a short-lived disaster, at best.

[savannahohsavannah]

Nope, I think she's in love with him. If I didn't think it was serious, I would not have bothered with a post. Ummm...your post wasn't serious, was it?

Savannah

[Dako]

Very serious.

I've seen it a few times with my own eyes. Sure she's in love, and I have no doubt. I can think of three girls offhand who fell for gays.

It's just a sad realization that the perfect guy she loves is truly never going to make her happy. He'll always be preoccupied with guys and what affection she gets is a mere tease. Even if she forgoes sex in lieu of affection, it grates.

 

One lady I knew married a hairdresser and was angered by any suggestion he was gay. She never saw what happened while she was at work. She didn't want to see it. When she accepted what she denied for years, she was shattered. She knew all along, but she had it bad.

 

Love is blind.

[renaissancewoman101]

Fallin in love with a gay guy is a BAD deal. Trust me on that. My ex-best friend who I am also married to is gay. I married him knowing he was gay and because I loved him and cared about him so much, to the point of helping him cover up his gayness. He is still VERY MUCH IN THE CLOSET. He was my first love and I dated him most of my college years. I had suspicions he could be gay but my straight female friends who knew him and were in classes with him didnt think he was gay. I was hoping to eventually marry him. The year he graduated (one year after I did), he told me that he had gay feelings and was confused with his life and he needed me.

 

I stayed with him, watched him find a bf, move in with bf, and yet he still wanted me in his life as his emotional support. I stayed and eventually he asked me to marry him so he could keep his gayness a secret. So now, I am married to a gay guy who lives with a bf. It literally killed me to watch him fall in love with a guy, do things with this guy he never could do with me, etc.

 

Dont fall in love with a gay guy hoping to change him. He WONT change and it will doom you to a life of broken hearts, depression, anger, and self-hatred (because you will always question "what is wrong with yourself" that you can only find a guy who is gay).

 

If you date someone and find out he is gay, LEAVE!!!!

 

It WILL NEVER get better.

[savannahohsavannah]

OMG, thank you for your story! It's so heartfelt!

 

What do you think I can do for my friend to make her feel better? This man is very good looking, and I believe he's telling *her* he is BOTH, despite only saying he's gay to friends. She had a crush on this guy when they were both younger and he was still straight.

 

Any ideas?

[renaissancewoman101]

Maybe it is best for her to discover on her own. Tell her that you will be her friend and that you will be there for her. Explain to her the ramifications of being in love with a gay guy and how it will affect her (emotionally) when she watches him fall in love with another guy, etc. She will have to discover on her own the pains of being in love with a gay guy and it will hurt, but she will have to fall before she can get up and move on. My best friend at the time knew T was gay. I had been dating him for about two years by then and I had her meet him (this was a girl I had known since high school and was very street smart). She could pick up from the get go that he was gay, and just from a phone conversation.