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Started last week, but for simplicity calling today Day 1.



Things that have to be organized in order to separate:

- car

- taxes

- common friends



Support I need to find elsewhere:

- ADD coach

- legal paperwork

- sex



Big themes I have to face:

- job

- grad work on side

- life direction

- physical health




I left a message last night about the car. As I know him, he'll call this afternoon.


I don't know whether to offer meeting with a counselor or not. He pulls a passive/victim act and feels like he has no choice in things. Before I moved out, I agreed to go to his counselor with him b/c I knew I could get the counselor to say that separating was a good thing.


Reading his actions, he doesn't =want= a relationship with me. The non-relationship we've been having is really comfortable for him. At one point, he said he didn't want to officially get back together, b/c then we'd officially break up and end things forever. At the time, I thought - great, b/c I didn't want to get back together at all. In retrospect, I feel that what he said spoke volumns I didn't hear.

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Have been going through a mixed box of old papers. Naturally there's stuff in there from him, and it's painful. I tossed all of the print-outs of language stuff from when I started learning his language, and then went to the bookshelf and sorted out non-reference textbooks to discard.


Also found letters, incl. an old valentine with long analysis about why it was a valentine, from guys I knew before. So strange.


So hard not to call, since I said something about not being happy w/ the status quo. If he cared, I'd expect him to make an effort, figure out whether anything can be fixed. Ain't happening.



Me-stuff I've been neglecting:


- hair cut & color

- pedicure

- friends

- networking



The depression is a bummer, but it's the way things've always been. I don't burden friends with it, just withdraw, and when others expect too much of me I sever contact without saying anything.



I'll feel a LOT better when:


- these moving boxes (LR & BR) are sorted through and gone

- real bed has arrived

- work is in order

- I've reconnected with some family, friends

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Why on EARTH do I still hope for some warmth, some effort, some investment on his part??????????????????



Big points for me, though - I got through a couple more (small) boxes and tossed tons of stuff. Lots of past. Now I think I'll see whether my new mobile phone takes pictures good enough to use on eBay, and if so, start listing some more stuff.

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Was going through MORE boxes, filling another recycling bin, had a movie on when he called. I let it ring. He didn't try my mobile.


I'll call him in a bit, but when I've been just about to call him today, I've said naaah, first do something =guaranteed= to make me feel better.

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Blah, tried to return his call (practical stuff for week and say I'm willing to go to counselor with him if he feels relationship is worth that to him) and he wasn't there. Left a message saying I was ret'ng his call. Tried again an hour later, since I don't want even a short conv. when I'm too tired. Also tried his mobile, while I was killing a couple of bunnies.


Got a TON of stuff sorted out today, unfortunately no work-work done.


And connection-wise, opened up an e-mail program to try to fix it, and received an e-mail from an old acquaintance who's starting a job "here". Well, on an island pretty far from where I live, but still.



Connection is something I've never quite gotten down, and it's going to be a key to success in surmounting some of the next hurdles I've got ahead.


Argh, at this point I'm so tired, I don't know if I can manage talking to him today.

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We cleared the car stuff up right away, then he asked if I'd had a good weekend and done something nice for myself.


(In the past, conversations were just about him. He tries to find rules for how to get relational things right.)


We chatted a little and then I told him

- I'm at a point in a few areas where I have to look at the 5-year-plan and see what makes sense for ME

- My idea is a set time of low-contact, during which I would get my stuff together independent of him (get support from other, appropriate sources) and he would have the time to figure out what he really wants, if anything, from me.

- In the past we haven't managed for me to be able to hear what he's actually saying about what he wants and what he's willing to do, and where he feels he has no freedom or just plain doesn't want to budge. I didn't get into old stories, but he's the absolute king of yessing and then being trapped by outside circumstances. thereforeeee it makes no sense to try that again, and I'm not interested in trying to talk things out, b/c it'll be the same old situation of him feeling under pressure and me frustrated and creating more pressure.

- I don't want to put him under pressure, but I'M under pressure. I see two possibilities: a) close the door, walk away and move on, b) do the LC time(out) so that he gets clarity and I figure out how to stand on my own, and then make a decision together. At that point I'm willing to meet with a counselor with him, but I'm no longer going to seek out a counselor and push for counseling or anything pro-relationship. OR if he feels like he already knows he doesn't see any chance or isnt interested but doesn't want to hurt me, then he can certainly say so.



He said that in the past, a counselor (Connie) helped him to articulate his own interests better than he could on his own.


He said he feels that he sees me in two roles: as a woman who has to go after her own interests, AND as his coach. And that this doesn't work, so a neutral third party in the coach role is needed.


I said yeah, during the LC time I thought it would be good if he went to see someone on his own, and I'd be willing to come along if he wanted that at the end of the LC time(out).


He didn't like that idea, said he'd be afraid that would be another "Fred" situation, in which he had a few sessions and then the guy insisted on seeing me as well and then in the first 20 minutes I got Fred to say that said divorce was the only option. I was MIFFED at that guy and felt like he was running X around with superficial crap. e.g. he made fun of X when X said he wanted to be the primary parent and let me work full-time, and said that's nothing for a man. Excuse me Mr. Shrinky, but X had already had a successful career, and YOUR cv looks suspiciously like someone couldn't cut it in his chosen field thus went to some seminars so he could sit in the designated-expert chair! The shrink finally wrote me a bs-letter, so I came in to shut him up. I knew what approach he used and had already read a few basic texts (Yeah, I'm cerebral) so I'd seen the battery of dx-questions and knew what various questions were supposed to get at. Thus I manipulated the divorce-is-only-option answer out of Shrinky at about minute 19. Then, since I was surprised a few things were completely new to Shrinky, I asked X what he'd said about that in prior sessions. A good therapist should give the client a space to open up and know when to push client as needed, am I wrong?

Yes I have issues with therapists, at least with those who need to be the fixers. You should see me in group therapy.


Anyway, found out that X still resents me manipulating Shrinky.


In response I said that Shrinky was treating X like a wuss and not giving him any tools, and not focusing on his strengths and resources and I didn't want to work with someone like that. Here I shouldn't have negated X's feelings, oops.


Uh, okay so we decided nothing on the shrink front.


I said that my enormous, bottomless expectations for help (with everyday crap) are unrealistic and unhealthy and a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship. He took that to mean that I'm expecting something from him and he's not sure what it is and not giving the right thing. I tried to explain that it's not about =him= - it's about the relationship not being set up correctly or for whatever reason not working.


I repeated that I'm ready to walk away b/c it's so clear that the relationship just doesn't work for either of us, AND I feel it's fair to be sure I'm not carelessly discarding something good that only needs an adjustment in the relationship. UNLESS he knows now that he just needs me gone. (If this is the case, he wouldn't be able to say that, I don't think. But I had to offer.)


X said he feels completely helpless, like an elephant someone expects to fly, and he's flapping his ears like crazy but not able to take off. He keeps being beaten and yelled at and he wants to fly but he's too heavy and he keeps trying but knows he'll never fly.


D!mn. I could strangle his mother at times. (Except I see her pain, too.) She had and has excruciatingly specific, demanding expectations of how a happy family looks, interacts etc, and any errance from that means you're out of the family. So he looks for a rule for EVERYTHING, and if he can't find one, he's paralyzed.


I came up with an analogy about the elephant that got him to sort of see it's not about him. Mon dieu, why am I sweeping up Maman's broken china again??! Then I asked how he was feeling, if he felt under pressure, and he said no, he doesn't understand but can feel I'm not threatening him.


And then he said that now "would be a good time to cuddle." Ha - that was 50% his need to be held and =feel= that I'm there despite the conflict, and 50% his intimate knowledge of my biggest weakness. And to think my mother always said that women have sex to be held, while men hold to get sex ...




Cr!p. It's great that I mucked out those boxes today but I'm in BIG trouble with work and am thereforeeee going to go to the doctor tomorrow and get written up sick again. (Physically legit, but I'm a trooper and if I had things organized, I'd fight through.)


I've got to get some sleep now. I =really= need the LC to break this sick exchange of being his strategy coach and expecting personal-assistant/secretarial-coaching in return.



Tomorrow no need for contact. NO calls for support, NO calls with doctor updates, NO calls to offer support, NO calls for any reason. IF something comes up, put it on a list for next necessary conversation.


IF he calls, keep it short, cheery.


Next possible required contact: Thursday.

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Panic attacks about work stuff.


Stupid low-blood sugar, or whatever it is, out of control too. Have been eating good stuff all day, but apparently not substantial enough b/c the hunger only gets dulled a bit then comes back raging and I'm shaky and nervous.


Not calling him. Thinking way too much about the shrink thing, I don't know how a counselor could help. If only b/c most are on their power trips and don't observe their own reactions to X and me. They give us the same bs that we've gotten from his social group / family, and if a shrink can't get beyond her or his own stereotypes and issues, they're no use to me.


Cr!p. Now I have to go out for food and I'm so behind.


This can't go on.


Finally got an appointment to start a round of phone-ADD-coaching, tomorrow evening.


NEED to reach out and accept the help that's there: back doctor, neurologist, footcare-chick (already paid), cleaning girl.

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Went to doctor, got bunch of acupuncture needles all over and an IV of painkillers.


Picked up mail on way home, card from X and friends who went out last week w/o me. His handwriting on envelope, and card from box he has. Guess I can reply with postcard.


Stocked up on easy-to-prepare grocery stuff. Bought magnesium and vitamin B.


Doctor wrote me up sick for week. Have to get work done though and appease Boss & Co.


Too late to call footcare chick now, missed neurologists open times by getting into a long convo while groc. shopping (but that's connection points, right?). Maybe I can e-mail the cleaning girl?


And call my sister?

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Really hard not to call him when the stupid anxiety stuff comes up. Gotta find effective ways of self-soothing. Talking to him NEVER worked constructively - it just wasted my time, distracted me by working on HIS stuff, listening to HIS stories. Even when he listened to me, he never had ideas for constructive tools or ways of getting through things. His "tips" are all OCD-discipline based. Ack. When he says "I like at the files I have to work through, figure out what the priority is, and go from there" that's great for him, but I look at a pile of stuff I have to do, can't see what's even in it, it's all just fog, and I panic.

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So, had my first telephone session with an ADD-coach this evening. The chemistry isn't really there, but I don't care at this point. I signed up for 6 weeks: every week one 45-minute call, and every day an e-mail check-in.


I had to spell out in almost vulgar terms how badly I'm doing, and even so I don't think she believed it. But it's a resource, and it's guaranteed to work out better than trying to get help from X did.


Several times today I started writing an e-mail to X with something stupid ... once I was starting to ask him a coaching-type favor. Deleted EVERY mail.


Feeling better emotionally but really icky physically - threw up shortly before my coaching call. Hungry though, will try to eat now.

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X called this afternoon. Perfect timing since I'd taken a nap and needed to get up.


He wanted to tell me about a couple of cool achievements work-wise. That's nice. He also listened to my stuff (work topics) but he hadn't called out of interest in how I was doing.


I didn't tell him about the coach.


To get out of a forced visit, he'd fibbed to a friend saying he wouldn't be there when friend comes through town, and he wants to come here on Friday. I'd offered to cover his office (I could do my own work there) weeks ago, when I encouraged him to decline his friend's self-invitation. But it sort of sounded like he wanted to come here b/c it's the least expensive option. And my terraced back yard is great for grilling and hanging out.


I dunno. Have to get my body and mind and routine and work in order, not too keen on seeing him right now.


Body-wise, I really need some kind of outlet so that I don't fall into the easiest option, quality guaranteed. Sure, there are "viable options" but none seem appealing right now.


Bloody work ... got to get this together, this afternoon was a wash.

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Called this afternoon to find out when he's coming tomorrow.


Told him I'm not doing well at ALL and needed to plan how to structure the time.


Also said I felt like my concentration probs were threatening my job, and that's huge. I said: it's about survival. I couldn't understand his refusal to help previously when I'd explained something that would be REALLY useful and wouldn't cost him much time. I said: it's about MONEY.


Money he gets.


Gotta get some work done. Looks like I'll have to find a babysitter-type call service or something, it's that bad. Freaking anxiety etc.

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So he came on Friday, very strange.


He was so passive. I =know= he can be passive but I just didn't have the energy to carry him at all. I told him I'd cleaned the grill but hadn't bought grillables since we eat different stuff. So he asked what =I= wanted. I got a bit annoyed and told him I didn't have it in me to play hostess; it would be easier for me if he would say clearly what he wanted so we could organize the evening. He replied that he was tired too and didn't really feel like grilling after all, and what did I want to eat? I suggested take-out.


We agreed on sushi and I asked him to pick it up. I said what kind of sushi I'd like, told him how they handle take-out orders and that it would probably be a long wait. He said great, he could drink (some kind of beer) and read his trade rag. When I handed him my sports wallet, he said - oh, couldn't he treat me?


Typical, typical. He came back with an extremely, ehm, frugal portion. And hadn't understood what kind of sushi I'd requested, because Oh! from the =right-hand= side of the menu??! Yes, and I'd =said= it was expensive but I still wanted it.


I work hard, and have tons of stress even when I don't get work done, and when I decide to take a break and have a treat, then I don't want to play deprivation games.


Money was always an issue, especially where food was involved. He really skimped on groceries. Maybe take-out falls into the grocery category for him, or maybe this sushi thing was progress, I dunno. Restaurants used to be where he overspent without realizing it. He'd choose the cheapest entree BUT have appetizer and drinks and dessert - the big-margin items. Especially drinks add up fast. My GAWD the stories that come to mind, not good at all. (Not about drinking - about money issues pertaining to food.)



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Crapola, that was him on the phone.


More of his family stuff. Why am I always there for him when he needs someone, but I have to go through things all alone, and he gets irritated if I ask for any support?


It's not all black-white, of course. In March when my father had surgery and I was on a business trip, X was the one I called. If something had gone wrong (it was 50/50) and I'd needed to fly back, I could have driven to X's, he'd have gone with me to my place and helped me pack and then driven me to the airport. But he's really only willingly there for me when it's dramatic.


And still, being asked to be there for him was the only connection we had, for so long. Today it was interesting to hear about a few things, but 10 minutes would have sufficed; instead we talked for way too long, over an hour total.


I have my own stuff to do, and he's not ever interested in that or supportive of that unless I beg or things have reached critical state.


At least, today I called a few people who might be able to take some work off my plate.


It's odd. He said that he actually told his parents today about having lied to his father and to me to avoid conflict about the post-nup. We argued about that yesterday - I said that him saying that out loud was essential if I we're supposed to have any kind of respect-based friendship. He'd always made the excuse that they wouldn't understand. I didn't care what they thought - I just wanted him to SAY out loud that he had LIED, to avoid conflict. I don't know what he actually said. But he claimed that he'd said a lot of tough things to them this afternoon, and that he was surprised that they'd accepted them.


Whatever. I =hate= the nervous, shaky feeling I get when I get involved in conversations about any of them and their 'ick'. They looked down on my family, for no good reason whatsoever - they just presumed they were better. At the brunch after the civil wedding, my father played with my xFIL a bit ... xFIL was explaining something, presuming nobody knew. (A favorite pasttime of his. Say "I'll have vanilla" and he'll start explaining why bourbon vanilla is called bourbon vanilla, smugly confident he's doing you a world of favors by enlightening you that little bit. Now you'll be able to enjoy your dessert, not just tonight, but at every meal for the rest of your life.) My father's down-to-earth manner and really ugly plaid shirts don't yell "prep school", and I suppose if English isn't your native language, you'd miss a lot of clues. He' s always building something, so I suppose you could conclude that that's all he can do because he's not educated to desk-job level. That's what X's parents thought, and they treated my parents accordingly. (I wasn't offended that they thought my family was low-class - I was offended at how arrogant they were toward people they thought of as less cultured.) Anyway my dad led his father on a bit, asking questions that got xFIL to explain more things. No idea why I'm typing about that, I need to work.

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He's called twice today. Both times about practical stuff that we need to work on, that's okay.


I slipped up once after that and called with a dumb question, caught myself and got off the phone quickly though. He mentioned plans for the weekend. Pretty funny - he seems only to have become active/helpful since the weekend discussion of me not putting any more into this.

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  • 3 weeks later...

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