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Preparing for the Future vs. Living for today


jkg
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Hey. Sorry if this is a repost of something someone else has posted, but I'd really like advice exactly related to my situation.

 

I'm young - only 18, but I genuinely feel like I'm currently with the person I want to be with the rest of my life.

 

There's a bit of a problem though. She says that she loves me, but sometimes it feels like she's only with me while she waits for someone else better to come along.

 

See, When we were in highschool, much younger - we dated for a long time, but eventually broke up. I spent all of high school pining after her, and eventually we got back together. Now we're going off to university.

 

She says that I should be more focused on our relationship in the moment, but I keep thinking that this may not be worth it if we're just going to break up again. I don't want a second round of the pain, and so I'm trying to get a commitment out of her, but I'm having a terribly unsuccessful time.

 

I mean, I realize that it's unfair to both of us to try and script out our future, but I want to know that she's willing to go in for the long haul. Whereas she says that if as we spend more time together that we grow apart, then that's pretty much how it was meant to be.

 

Basically, I feel like I need more of a commitment, and she seems to need more "in the moment" type thinking and acting.

 

I'm sure this is not the biggest problem this forum has ever come accross, but it's a nagging issue that I need to be dealt with. Does anyone have any suggestions to sort of bridge this gap? Any way of helping us find a middle ground?

 

again, I'm young, and not totally sure that I've portreyed my problem properly, so if you need more information to form an opinion, ask away.

 

thanks for any help that you can give.

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So what makes you feel like she's more "in the moment"? Has she told you that she doesn't want to think about the future and is just waiting to meet someone better? She DID say that she wanted you to focus more on the relationship... maybe this is her way of saying she does want to be committed.

 

I'd say really talk to her about it and how you feel. Are ya'll going to the same college? How long have you been together? Why did ya'll break up before?

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We talked about it today, actually, this is why I made the post.

 

She says she doesn't want to think about the future, but didn't say anything about waiting for someone better.

 

what you say about focusing on the relationship right now is actually a very good point, and I'm going to think about that.

 

As for your other questions, we're going to two different colleges in the same city, so we won't be far apart. But we won't be next door, you know?

 

We got together the first time, and were together for 9-10 months. The last month was shakey, we actually got in a similar dispute over where our relationship was going, neither of us refused to comprimise (me wanting commitment, whereas she did not) And she ultimately left me, claiming that she just plain didn't love me anymore. We parted, and didn't speak for over a year.

 

Three years, and three boyfriends of hers later, we became friends again. Eventually, we got back together, and now she claims that she has loved me all along.

 

Now, we've been together at least 4 months.

 

thanks.

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I'm really no in any position to offer proper advice, but here's another take on the situation, for all it's worth. I was always the kind of girl who thought I needed to date around before settling down with one person for the rest of my life -- in fact, I didn't know if I COULD settle down with one person. So when I fell head over heels in love and realized that I could actually see myself marrying my boyfriend, I became stubborn like a mule and went into massive denial. I did everything I could do do scare myself away from the idea of commitment and marriage (thinking about how romance fades away, how kids are awful, how pregnancy is...eeek!). I argued like a lawyer when my manager said that you should only "date to mate." And so on.

 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that maybe she's not willing to admit (both to you AND to herself) that she might possibly want to be in it for the long haul. That's not to give you any false hopes or anything...just an idea.

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