Unfair

[Niceguy78]

I'm 28 and believe to be one of the best guys any woman could find. Unfortunately i've been plagued with insecurity for a very long time and it has definitely ruined my last few relationships. I have a wonderful woman right now of 3 months but i feel the pattern starting all over again. We started hot and flirty, always leaving messeges to each and simple little things like *smooch* when we parted chatting. She has told me she's starting to feel comfortable but in saying so the frequency of chats and the flirting has gone down significantly typical beginnings of things are going to end ultimately. Combine this with a failure to preform after weeks of expectations and i find myself paranoid as ever. I tried not to do the obvious thing and talk to her about it as women can pick up the scent of insecurity like a dog, but i have brought up some minor concerns and im sure she's got the scent. Its still early and the ball has started to roll down hill, but it might not be too late. Can i recover? if so how? How can i make our relationship stronger and for the love of god tell me how to stop this insecurity. Im desprate to break the pattern and id like to explore and experience something long term and great with her. I know im a great guy, and have a huge heart and a ton of love to give. Just hurts that its being wasted......

[Momene]

I always saw myself as the "nice guy" but perhaps you're no more perfect than I was. I tend to find the 3 month point in a relationship very "make or break". It can develop into something deeper and better or it can fizzle out and you both go off to seek excitement elsewhere. I really don't think you're any different to anyone else in this way. If not this one, one day you will meet someone who you can share something deeper.

[Balbina]

Why don't you do sometime spontaneous to rekindle the initial flirtiness of dating? Or even just flirt with her more on a regular basis? Or even distance yourself a little bit and see if you miss her/crave her as much?

 

As for performance...you need to figure out where your insecurity stems from and what particular situations make you feel that way. Assess yourself and figure out what makes you tick and what doesn't.

[Niceguy78]

Firstly the insercure feeling i get always appears at some point. Ive never had a relationship past 10months. This monster doesnt let me. If something changes in the relationship i get put on the defensive asap and begin to worry "uh oh here it goes again". Cant exactly do some spontaneous flirting, she lives 2 hrs away, but i have kept up the flirting when we talk, but i feel im just pushing it, and i dont get much back in return. (mind you its been 3 days since this all started, which is why i want to nip this in the butt asap) The performance thing was a first. We had such expectations and sure enough it blow up in my face lol. She even said she was disappointed (though we were both drunk, on purpose mind you, we wanted to get intimate before we were drunk) I dont think she would have said it sober but sorta glad she did, cause she was honest. Ive tried the distance thing before and it only seemed to encourage a speedier split up time. A

 

The only thing i know is to be me, and act normal, but even then its hard cause while i can get laughter out of them, the intimacy side still isnt recipricated.

 

I just want to end this streak, I'm dieing to be normal and have a meaningful lengthy relationship......

[Niceguy78]

P.S. cant exactly expect or ask for support on your insecurity issues from your partner, thats just spelling the end right there. Though i must admit if i could let it all out and my partner understood and supported and believed in me, that might help a lot. I feel sometimes that if i could let it out and she stuck around all my problems would be solved but again that just doesnt happen, they run for the hills lol.

[Momene]

On the physical side, DON'T overeat or drink too much beforehand. Masterb8 regularly when you're apart but don't do it the night before you meet. Get enough sleep, rest and a sensible diet.

[heloladies21]

You could try Viagra, that'll help you maintain an erection.

 

As for the insecurity part, I can give you some sites, but this is going to take a lot of work and it's going to be a philosophical change in your views on women and life in general.

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As for the nice guy thing and her getting comfortable in the relationship, these two go hand in hand and the fact that she's getting comfortable is NOT a good thing. There has to be the emotional roller coaster for her to stay interested in the relationship. The highs as well as the lows. When is the last time you got upset with her? Or jealous? If you two are out somewhere and she meets some guy you don't know, do you ask her how she knows him? It's also about showing that you care about someone because you would only ask something like that if you truly cared. It's the yin-yang of dating. There has to be this dark side of showing you care or else your whole act seems phony and the chick will leave.

[Niceguy78]

Its only been 3 months and yeah as i suspected her getting comfortable was a bad thing. Sigh. As for challenging her or having a fight ive never been confident enough to do so always in fear of driving her away, also since we've been seing each other we havent really had anything to argue about.....I'm going to check out those links though that was much appreciated, i need to change, ive said in the past but this time i really want to and will do what i need to to become that person i knew i was inside.....

[Niceguy78]

Any tips on how i can stir up this "comfy" spot she's in? With regards to nothing really to argue about so far, how can i add some challenge?

[BrokenWingedFaery]

"P.S. cant exactly expect or ask for support on your insecurity issues from your partner, thats just spelling the end right there. Though i must admit if i could let it all out and my partner understood and supported and believed in me, that might help a lot. I feel sometimes that if i could let it out and she stuck around all my problems would be solved but again that just doesnt happen, they run for the hills lol."

 

...I EXPECT my boyfriend/grrrlfriend to discuss things with me and I try to help/support/understand the best I can. Part of being in a relationship is working thru things with your partner. I have insecurity issues and my grrrlfriend and I discuss that. If she really cares about you, she'll listen and try to help you. I'm not saying you should wait for her to constantly reassure you or solve your problems, only you can do that, but she should be willing to listen to you.

[Niceguy78]

See im inbetween a rock and a hard place, that may work after a year or so, but after 3 months most women will run screaming, you say talk to her and she should be receptive, the guys say "DONT DO IT!!!!" lol

 

Right now she's comfy, flirting has stopped, the little quirky things have stopped, frequency of messeges etc..stopped. Not trying to be overly critical here as its only been three days but i want to stop the bleeding if its possible. I was thinking of just being a bit distant myself but again i dont want to encourage this pushing away thing. This pattern has got to stop.....

[BrokenWingedFaery]

I'm about to be quite blunt. I'll be 17 next month, and I've had my fair share of relationships, I have NEVER EVER "run away screaming" when someone's admitted to having insecurity issues or any issues, for that matter. People aren't perfect. There's not a single human being, living or dead, in all of history that didn't have at least one issue. If a chick would "run away screaming" because of you opening up to her after three months, she's probably not what you need.

 

As far as this here "pattern", maybe she's picking up on how you're not telling her things and has assumed that you're not interested in being with her longterm?

[Niceguy78]

I dont mind you being blunt, but she's been in 2 5 year relationships before me and has 2 very young kids I'm sure she doesnt need a 3rd big baby in her life to baby sit. See i know exacty what i am doing, and why there is this reaction toward me when im like this. Again the problem is why cant i stop it, and if i have planted that seed of insecurity in her brain, how do i kill it?

[BrokenWingedFaery]

There's a difference between asking her to babysit you and asking her to support you. So long as you support her as well, it should be fine.

 

Edited because I can't read when I'm tired...lol.

[Niceguy78]

So should i ask her if anything is wrong? Why the flirting has gone away, messeges have stopped etc? Sounds like im inviting her to go into a defensive shell if i do that. I do miss that stuff. We still talk after work, but its more chatter and "how was your day" kinda stuff, the spicey stuff has kinda dissappeared since we got back fromt he weekend after i couldnt perform lol.

[heloladies21]

No dude, stop listening to that advice. It's heading you down the wrong path. Good for you in wanting to make a change. That is the first and most important step in learning how to do this the right way.

 

As for ways to mix it up, like I said getting jealous of her over some guy is a great way to show her something. Lemme give you an example. I was hanging out with this chick for like a week, talking to her on the phone and all that and we went to a bar one night. We were standing by the bar when this one guy next to her started talking to her about something. Honestly it was in innocent conversation and I even knew it at the time that there was nothing going on. But as soon as she stopped talking to him, I said something like "I didn't want to interrupt the conversation between you and your new bf" She was like "Are you getting jealous, that's so cute" I acted pretty disinterested for the next 5 minutes till we left the bar. Then I asked her again outside "But seriously though, what was up with that upstairs?" She then proceeded to explain the whole situation, apologizing and saying how she's leaving with me etc. Then I eased up so I didn't look overly jealous. There's a line you don't want to cross and you have to develop an intuition through practice with this sort of thing.

 

Here's another example with the same chick. This happened last weekend. We were at the club again and some dude started hitting on her on the dance floor. She was handling it alright, pushing him away and stuff, but I knew to expect the situation where she would show him some kind of sign where I would have to react to. Sure enough after about 3 different times of him hitting on her, she danced with him for like a second. I immediately shot up there and said "Said we're leaving right now" and immediately spun around and walked away. She chased after me and I proceeded to lay into her a bit about not shaking the guy. Her friend was there to back her up so they both explained the situation and after a few minutes, I started to ease up again. Then the craziest thing happened. She started to passionately make out with me and feel me up right then and there. On the ride home she went down on me for a bit and we fooled around for a while.

 

These are the kinds of emotional roller coasters you want to set up. They keep the passion alive. I welcome these "tests" to be honest with you. I know how to react so I just look at them as ways to show that I care. If you want examples on how to say these things (voice tone, voice inflection and pacing) watch that show Hogan Knows Best with Hulk Hogan. He does it excellent and I modeled my style after his. Hope this helps, this material is not out there in any of those sites. Me and my brother have developed this line of thinking and it's been tested in the field many times.

 

This girl just asked me to be her bf last night by the way, so I guess it works!

[BrokenWingedFaery]

The jealousy thing can completely kill your chances with a grrrl. If a guy pulled that with me, I'd be gone so fast his head would spin.

 

And yes, niceguy, have a heart to heart chat with her. "I've noticed ____, _______, _______ has changed and I thought you might want to talk about somethings.", something like that.

[Niceguy78]

See helpful but confusing lol. Only thing that i can assume, is she has two very young kids and burdenning her with this is not something she wants.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

How about ASKING her what she wants? You'll never know otherwise and you know what assuming makes you...

[heloladies21]

Yes exactly, she wouldn't respond to a talk in the right way anyways. If you brought something like this to her, she might sympathize with you, , she would probably get defensive, but in the end she'd just shrug her shoulders and have a big question mark above her head. She doesn't know the solution, it's your job to figure it out and it's her job to react.

 

It's not so confusing. You need to draw out more of her emotions, both the good and the bad. You seem to have the good under control, but without the bad it feels like a plateau and that's why it goes stale. The good stops feeling so good.

[Niceguy78]

See the bad is tough (haha who would have thought the bad would be tough) but because we live 2hrs apart its hard to just pick somethign and challenge her on it, especially out of nowhere....

[heloladies21]

You can get upset based on something she says. Like this same chick, we were horsing around up in my room and she called me a dork in a half playful manner. It just seemed so obvious by her tone and the timing of it that it was a test of my confidence, so I said very seriously "Don't talk to me like that" and shut the playfulness. I'm not just some big baby here, in all honestly I've been called much worse and this just rolls right off, but I had to make it a point to set a boundry and lower the energy of the situation.

 

Also another example comes to mind. My brother was at a bar with his gf. She playfully gave him the finger, but he went serious on her telling her not to do that again. You just have to develop this intuition on when she's testing you or not, and also when you just want to throw a wrench such as these into the machine.

 

Take her into public places where she'll get hit on right in front of you (bar, club) and don't be so all over her at first so as to invite some other guy to start talking to her. You can basically bait her into testing you then passing the test.

 

I know it's complicated as hell, but these are the kinds of survival skills you're gonna have to learn if you don't naturally have em. And the bad is tough for many guys! Think of all the "nice guys" who complain about girls always telling them "let's just be friends." All of them need to learn how to do this. I'm surely not a natural and it took some realization and practice for me to get it.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

How about not playing games with women? Ya know, doing something novel like treating women like...human beings and not crafty creatures that need to be manipulated and controlled?

[Momene]

Whatever other problems he have/might have had, I've never had to resort to any sort of game-playing with my wife. If I need to game-play with anyone, they get dumped.

[heloladies21]

If I need to game-play with anyone, they get dumped.

Well from reading your previous posts, you seem to be encountering the same difficulties as this gentleman. Keep doing the same thing and you will get the same results.

 

It's not game-playing or manipulation, it's giving the other person what they need to stay interested and be happy.