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My Story (get ready, its gonna be a long one)


logic
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Alright, first off I wanna say that this site is excellent. I just found it today, but I can already see that it will help me get some perspective on what's going on.

 

So here's my story:

 

About a week ago (Thursday, July 27th) my GF of 2+ years and I broke up. We had been living together for about a year and 4 months. We have known each other however, for almost 8 years. I met her in College, my Sophomore, her Senior year. That's right, she's 2 years older than me. On top of that, she is the only serious, long-term relationship I've ever had. On top top (LOL), she is the only woman I have ever been with (in the biblical sense). You can see where this is going (major freaking pain). In any case, our breakup was more or less mutual in the sense that we both knew it had reached a dead-end and was going nowhere, fast. However, this doesn't mean that we hate each other, on the contrary -- I love her more than ever before, and she says she loves me more than she ever loved anyone else.

 

Background: (I swear I'll try to keep this short!) Our istory is such, that we were always more than just "friends". There was always this sexual tension between us, from the first week that we knew each other. I knew I loved her very early on, but had no idea what to do about it since she was always involved with other people. My lack of experience with women made me think I had NO CHANCE in hell with her. So I didn't try. I would stick around as long as possible, until I could no longer bear seeing her with other people. Then I would disappear for months. Inevitably, we would end up best friends again, over and over. Until one day, she moved to Seattle with her then BF. I thought I'd never see her again, and it made it easy for me to think I was OK with it. However, I never forgot her, never stopped kicking myself for letting her get away. 2 1/2 years ago, she came back to NYC. She then began looking for me. She tried the Internet, and found my name thru a Google search on my buddy's website. She emailed him, he forwarded it to me, but left her email address out ( * * * * * * *). She did not give up: she looked my Dad up in the White Pages and finally called my house. We met up, and I knew that if I didn't at least try this time -- I would be giving up my last chance. So I did, and it was amazing, and a year later we got an apartment together, and we were happy, until we weren't happy anymore.

 

I now sit and look back at all those little moments when I should have been paying attention, should have been close to her, instead of watching TV or whatever... I see all my mistakes. I have begun a radical overhaul of my life and my inner self. I quit smoking. I am going back to school. I am trying my damndest to get a better job (one of our biggest problems was that I work a dead-end * * * * job, while she is on a career track, making 2 times the money I do). Basically, she realized she couldn't live with someone as un-motivated and lazy as me. This led to resentment and frustration on her part, which I picked up on, but thought she was just getting bored. So I got angry and withdrew, and our love-life suffered as a result. Which in turn exacerbated her frustration, which made me even MORE withdrawn, and so on and so forth...

 

This is our 2nd day of NC. She wanted us to stay friends, but it was not meant to be that way. I couldn't stop trying to put it back together (I regretted the breakup the same day it happened), and we realized that we need to go our separate ways. FOR NOW...

 

So, even though we are now supposed to be NC, she sent me an article she found online (about religion VS science, a common hot-topic with us), with the subject line "interesting read, enjoy!". * * *? How does that work? I replied with a simple "Thank You". Not exactly NC now, is it? I want to call her so badly (which I did a couple times AFTER we broke up), but I know I shouldn't. The deal was: we were going to stay out of each other's way for ONE MONTH. We texted each other a couple times right after that, and I even tried to go back on that one month thing, but she said no. And now she sends me an internet article. What am I supposed to do? She and I both said: "This chapter is over, but the book is not yet closed". Very open-ended. So, do I keep up the NC in the hopes that she will realize this is a bad idea? I know I have changed so much in the 3 weeks we haven't lived together, and even in the week that we've been "single". I know that if I ever have another chance at this, that we can make it work. But she says she doesn't have any more to give to our relationship. FOR RIGHT NOW.... One thing I know -- getting OVER her is not an option to me. Same as not breathing is not an option.

 

C'mon, opinions, thoughts, advice... Bring it. I want to know what you guys think.

 

PS: Told ya it was gonna be long...

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grats on making changes in your life. it's easy to evaluate and say things you would like to change, but to make actual changes takes will power. the important thing about the changes you make are that... THEY ARE FOR YOURSELF. don't compromise the good qualities of who you are for somebody. and you can only make a long lasting change as long as you continue to be true to yourself.

 

regarding your situation... read my signature. there's really nothing you can do to change how someone feels about you. life isn't a Hollywood movie, things don't conclude at the end of 2 hrs. life goes on and on and it's up to you how you want to live it. the "right now" part... you probably don't want to hear this, but i wouldn't bet the house on it. hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, the very worst.

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Well there is a lot to go on there pal , and hello to Enotalone!

 

Where do you want to start then ???????

 

What are your objectives here, have you changed that much in 3 weeks (21 days / 3 Saturdays ) to make a fundamental difference ?

 

But more importantly do you think *deep down* the reasons for the split no longer apply ?

 

Just my starter for 10 - lets break it down !!

 

Scruff

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Well lots of things going on here so let's break it down.

 

I now sit and look back at all those little moments when I should have been paying attention, should have been close to her, instead of watching TV or whatever... I see all my mistakes.

 

This is very common to think, but these things are not what led to the break up. Even if she told you or alluded to the fact that these were the reasons, it's not the case. If you were paying complete attention to her all the time, this would overload her and freak her out and she would've ended up dumping you anyways. You were fine with that, no need to blame yourself because this was not the cause of the break up.

 

I have begun a radical overhaul of my life and my inner self. I quit smoking. I am going back to school. I am trying my damndest to get a better job (one of our biggest problems was that I work a dead-end * * * * job, while she is on a career track, making 2 times the money I do). Basically, she realized she couldn't live with someone as un-motivated and lazy as me. This led to resentment and frustration on her part, which I picked up on, but thought she was just getting bored. So I got angry and withdrew, and our love-life suffered as a result. Which in turn exacerbated her frustration, which made me even MORE withdrawn, and so on and so forth...

 

This is also not the reason why she broke up with you, so changing it will not bring her back. Women base their decisions on whether or not to stay in a relationship on how you personally make them feel, not these tangable characteristics. You should change these things, because it will be better for you and could help you attract other girls, but we're not dealing with a question of attraction with your ex.

 

This is our 2nd day of NC. She wanted us to stay friends, but it was not meant to be that way. I couldn't stop trying to put it back together (I regretted the breakup the same day it happened), and we realized that we need to go our separate ways. FOR NOW...

 

So, even though we are now supposed to be NC, she sent me an article she found online (about religion VS science, a common hot-topic with us), with the subject line "interesting read, enjoy!". * * *? How does that work? I replied with a simple "Thank You". Not exactly NC now, is it? I want to call her so badly (which I did a couple times AFTER we broke up), but I know I shouldn't. The deal was: we were going to stay out of each other's way for ONE MONTH. We texted each other a couple times right after that, and I even tried to go back on that one month thing, but she said no. And now she sends me an internet article. What am I supposed to do? She and I both said: "This chapter is over, but the book is not yet closed". Very open-ended. So, do I keep up the NC in the hopes that she will realize this is a bad idea? I know I have changed so much in the 3 weeks we haven't lived together, and even in the week that we've been "single". I know that if I ever have another chance at this, that we can make it work. But she says she doesn't have any more to give to our relationship. FOR RIGHT NOW.... One thing I know -- getting OVER her is not an option to me. Same as not breathing is not an option.

 

C'mon, opinions, thoughts, advice... Bring it. I want to know what you guys think.

 

PS: Told ya it was gonna be long...

 

So this is where you're left, holding in your true emotions and hanging on by a string for some future possibility (which will not materialize). Going NC for only a month is a terrible idea, you won't accomplish anything because you'll go right back to square one as soon as you make contact again.

 

Here's what to do, have another talk with her where you lay everything out on the table. Get everything off you chest, tell her exactly how you feel and what you want. Finish the conversation through to completion until there's nothing left to say. Then it's time for NC, because what would be the point of staying in touch? One thing is for sure, staying her friend or hanging around in the background will not being her back to you. It will only provide her with the emotional support while she's looking for someone else and give you false hope which will leave you broken in the end when she finally drops you.

 

Because if you're honest with yourself and her, you don't just want a friendship. You don't see her as friends and it's wrong to pretend to her that it's all you see her as. The emotions are not interchangable, romantic interest and friendship. They are different things.

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I agree that what you should be focusing on right now is your self and your own improvement. Try to keep yourself busy and remember what life was like before she came back and found you in NYC, and at the end of each day stop and realize that you are still alive and still going, even though she isn't there with you. It's hard, I know. I also don't ever want to give up on my ex, and it still feels weird to call her that, but I also realize that she may never come back. Yours might not either. My girlfriend told me the same thing: give me a month. Then a week later it became "2 months at the max". Well, it's been almost a month and I have seen her for a grand total of about 2 hours and spoken to her almost none at all, and at the beginning she had told me she wanted to remain friends.

 

I don't mean to turn this around and make it about me, I'm just trying to illustrate that you should really try and prepare for the worst like now_better suggested. I hope she comes back to you, man, I really do. But that's not up to me, or you, or anyone but her. The ball is in her court and all you can do is wait to see what she does with it. I think NC, or at the very least a form of it where you only respond to her attempts at contact in a friendly (but aloof) manner, is your best course of action. The point of NC isn't to make her realize it was a bad idea, it is to let you get over the situation as much as possible so you don't do like I did and make an * * * out of yourself the next time you see her, leaving an even worse impression than the initial break.

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Hey scruff,

Welcome to enotalone! It sounds like you are in a very delicate situation. Taking time off instead of working through problems by communication is always dangerous in the sense of losing something. However, you do have a chance to realize what can be done about the situation and perhaps show her what you are made of.

If you think that the main cause of the problems here are really your job and laziness, than perhaps being faced with the loss of her can motivate you to become more proactive. However, if you dont feel like that would be "you" than it would be a hopeless task. You are going to have to want to make that lifestyle change for yourself.

It is vital that you respect the no contact for a month rule. If she says that she wants no contact then dont do it. It seems that it would be ok to respond to her if she initiates because at this point playing hard to get doesnt seem like the right path but rather I understand and I am improving FOR MYSELF.

When the month NC is at an end, respond with some objectivity, put your feelings on the table and do not beg; Keep your dignity. Use this time away from her to inspire you to pick up your life, and not to torture yourself over her, she is not gone yet. A lot of people will give you similar advice. Take it, for your best chance. Good luck

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Wow, you guys are great! Fair and balanced. Both sides of the fence. I like that. (Seriously).

 

See, the thing with me and my ex is, we were SO totally attached by some sort of umbilical cord, that I have a feeling she simply doesn't know what she's getting herself into by not having me around. True, that dependence and attachment varied from time-to-time, but overall we really WERE two parts of a whole for a long time. And again, she NEVER said that it was truly over. SHe just said that "this relationship isn't working, RIGHT NOW..." Plus, I know that she is a very strong-willed person, and that she has very strong convictions of what's right, and that she might be doing this for the good of the RELATIONSHIP, because she might feel like we need to RESET this whole thing and try it again later. NC for a month doesn't mean that we'll be getting back together after the month is up. No, it just means that we'll be staying out of each other's way. In the meantime, I can keep working on bettering myself and putting my life on the right track. ANd then, we'll see....

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Hey scruff,

Welcome to enotalone! It sounds like you are in a very delicate situation. ...................................................... Good luck

 

 

Thanks Fisch - I'm OK though ! I think Logic needs a bit of free advice !!!

Scruff

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Oh, and she maintains that she loves me deeply. Like, seriously loves me. We used to sit around and fantasize about getting married, and even picked out names for our kids. Plus, the last time I saw her (last Friday), as I drove her home, she started talking about what our kids would be like. That keeps me going.

 

When I said good-bye to her that night, I remember saying that I was looking at this situation as if we were connected by a sort of cable, and that the connector between the two ends of the cable had gotten all corroded and fouled up. And that the signal was weak and distorted. So I said that we should disconnect, clean the pins in the connector, and then try to plug back in. She said it was a really good analogy. I just hope she doesn't forget that idea with time. I'm not trying to be in her face anymore, I won't keep trying to put us back together. I'm going to give her time, and am going to basically stick to Jayar's "Reactive NC mode" idea. Meaning -- I won't make the first move. Unless something truly amazing happens, I will leave it up to her to reach out to me.

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I'm going to give her time, and am going to basically stick to Jayar's "Reactive NC mode" idea. Meaning -- I won't make the first move. Unless something truly amazing happens, I will leave it up to her to reach out to me.

 

That could work well in your situation. Just don't let yourself wait by the phone in the hopes that you are going to hear from her, because she might never call, and if you're expecting her to then it's going to hurt a hell of a lot more when you realize that she is happy without any contact with you whatsoever. Trust me.

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..............................................................................................ANd then, we'll see....

 

 

Exactly *we* will see. Not your ex, YOU as well.

 

You see when you dump someone dont forget you are in effect telling them they can do what ever they like. As such technically that's what you can do and toan extent it is none of their business anymore.

 

Dont get me wrong, but that the trick. Breaking up with someone is a decision NOT to be taken likely because you let that person free.

 

She made a big effort to track you down pal in the past and there has to be a reason for that. A reason that she still felt ( without any input from you btw ) still attracted enough to do that.

 

 

Scruff

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Scruff,

 

See, you get my point. I have this gut feeling that this isn't just another breakup for her. Heck, I KNOW it isn't. She told me so herself. She never intended for us to simply walk out of each other's lives. She even told me that if I wasn't going to be in her life, she'd be devastated. Well, for now that's exactly how it's going to be. For now, I don't know her anymore. What the future holds is unkown. But I am almost 100% CERTAIN that our story is far from over yet.

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Scruff,

 

See, you get my point. I have this gut feeling that this isn't just another breakup for her. Heck, I KNOW it isn't. She told me so herself. She never intended for us to simply walk out of each other's lives. She even told me that if I wasn't going to be in her life, she'd be devastated. Well, for now that's exactly how it's going to be. For now, I don't know her anymore. What the future holds is unkown. But I am almost 100% CERTAIN that our story is far from over yet.

 

 

Thanks pal.

 

You see what you can do very easily is give her the best gift in the world ............

 

 

 

 

.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

......

 

 

 

 

 

Are you ready ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU!!

In the meantime - have fun knowing that she is thinking of you and will be missing you. She is not a robot and does not have an on/off function to emotion.

 

Yet any and I mean ANY proding or pushing or that nonsense you see in the Tom Cruise films like Cocktail will not work. It will reinforce and underline the decision to have a break/split up.

 

Why ? Because it is not attractive and to be frank submissive. Being submissive through begging, pleading showing up out of the blue is sad,pathetic and boring:sleeping:

 

It makes a great script for Hollywood that is played out by global icons. Yet is it seldum reality.

 

 

Remember what she was attracted to. Dont tell her - show her.

 

 

Actions my friend, speak louder than words.

 

 

Scruff

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Scruff,

 

Mate, you are cool in my book. Thanks for the advice!

 

Cheers!

 

 

Not as *cool* as your penguin , huh ? Thanks mate - you see my logic though, Logic ???

 

*Simplicity in complexity and complexity in simplicity*.

 

 

Scruff

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  • 4 weeks later...

UPDATE:

 

Hey all, I know I haven't been on in a while, was going through some really tough doo-doo there for a minute. BUT.....

 

 

After about 2 weeks of total NC, she called me last Sunday. In tears. Said she was miserable. Couldn't stop thinking about us. Misses me. Long story short: She's been dating this guy from her office. He's 39 (10 years older than her), just separated from his wife. She knows it's a total rebound for the both of them. Says they don't have much in common besides their respective relationship drama. Says he's been there for her as a shoulder to cry on, and she's been there for him as well. Says he's really upfront and honest with her, and that they both have "zero expectations" right now. Taking it one day at a time.

 

I saw her on Monday, she cried. Told me she really wishes we could be together, only it cannot happen right now. And she's right. Everything is still too fresh, the pain too real. Too strong. Says she never realized what it meant to really love someone, until I broke it off, and told her we had to go our separate ways. I did that purely for self-preservation purposes. And also because I was convinced she didn't care anymore. Boy, was I wrong. She was checking my Myspace page evry day, obsessively. I was checking hers, too. I was posting blogs that were intended for her. So she could know a little of what was going on in my life. She doesn't blog. So I knew nothing, except what I was making up in my head. I came within 2 inches of hating her, of not caring. Of convincing myself that she had moved on, and discarded me, us, everything. Boy, was I wrong!

 

Saw her again on Tuesday. Jumped the gun. Thought she wanted to get back together RIGHT NOW. Was wrong again. We both cried. We kissed. We were confused. In pain. We both know we can never be just "friends". She says she needs time to heal, to "wipe the slate clean". Says she doesn't know how long it will take. During the course of the conversation, I said "maybe in 5 years we'll bump into each other..." "It won't TAKE 5 years!" she said. We decided that the only thing for us to do right now is to keep our distance. I just hope she'll work through her pain sooner, rather than later.

 

I am not really worried too much about this guy she's seeing. I have a feeling that once they run out of relationship issues to talk about, they'll part as friends. I trust her judgement. She can spot an * * * * * * * from 300 yards. She won't let him hurt her. I don't know the guy -- never seen him in my life. I just worry that he is like every other guy out there, and that he's got his agenda. But she's smarter than him. She's smarter than most people I've ever met. She's just confused and hurt and vulnerable.

 

I never knew that True Love can be so painful. So damn hard. That two people can want to be together so badly, but know that it doesn't work right now.

 

Man, I'm rambling again.. Sorry. Any ideas on how to proceed? Seems that Scruff's advice was spot on. Thanks, mate. Can't wait to hear your (and everyone else's) thoughts on this. I'm trying real hard not to think about her being with this guy.. It's damn hard. I don't want to know anything. I don't want to know when she's with him, or what they're doing. I just keep reassuring myself that it's a distraction. A diversion. And I am trying to trust her. To trust that she'll make the right choices. At least now I know that she really loves me. And I love her. And with that, shouldn't we be okay in the long run?

 

Alright, enough rambling. I'm all ears now.

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