How can I ask him without putting a pressure on him?

[never-too-late]

How can I ask him without putting pressure on him?

My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for the second half of our relationship. However, I know and I think he knows that we might need to come to some kind of decision or at least idea of how to solve this distance between us. We both live in Europe, however, he has been talking about a dream of going to work to N.Y.C. for a while just to see how it is. I don't want to stop him from that but I also don't want to loose him and certainly I don't want to give up on our relationship because of a distance. We have just spent the most wondeful weekend and he has been so sweet to me and we are both very happy now as we had some arguments before due to my insecurities. I don't want to spoil the feeling we are having now but it's also eating me inside. I want to ask him whether he considers our relationship when thinking about going to work in N.Y.C. or whether we should think about the solutions together but I don't know how? I don't want to spoil anything? please help.

 

 

I don't want this to lead to an argument or a fight. I want to be under a control of my emotions in case he says something I might not like.. How can I ask in a calm, trusting and accepting way so it shows I love him and I want him to be be happy but also don't want to loose him and I wouldn't mind planning things together in a light way? Any ideas on how to present him the question in a respectful way? thank you.

[Beec]

First express to him that you want him to be happy. Mean it when you say it, because if you love him, you should, that's what loving someone requires.

 

Next, ask him where he sees the two of you going. No time table, but where and how do you last until you get there. And ask calmly. And even telll him he need not answer right them, but to let you know soon.

[SaraJane]

It seems to me that how to ask is not as much of a problem as what his response might be and your reaction.

 

If you're unsure of how his location is going to effect your relationship, its important that you know the answers... its also important that you figure out what your expectations and hopes are so that you can communicate those with him when he presents his.

 

If you want to have a long term relationship with this man, and he wants the same there is going to have to be compromise. But, such drastic distance is something that will be difficult to work with. If he moves to NY to work, is that going to be the end for you? Will you continue to have a relationship with him by remaining in Europe? Will he want you to go to NY also, and do YOU want to? Does he intend to stay in NYC permanantly?

 

I would advise telling him that you enjoy your time with him, you love him and that you support the decisions he makes because his happiness is important to you. Also that you're concerned with whether or not his plans are going to cause you to lose him. Maybe rather than asking his immediate plan of action, just let him know how you feel and that you have a concern, perhaps that direction will allow for him to have the opportunity to think about it some and provide you with the information that you're looking for without putting him on the spot and demanding an immediate response.

[never-too-late]

Thanks.

 

I called him yesterday and the phone call went wrong. I tried to tell him that when he was telling me about going to N.Y. that I started to worry that I could loose him and if he was considering us and me. He got upset with me and said that I put pressure on him and he shouldn't have told me about it and he hasn't got the job yet and he said that I try to influence his decisions and he was basically angry with me for telling him that I worry about loosing him? I tried to convince him that I am not stoping him but that I am worried as it will be harder than now?

 

He thinks I want to stop him but it's not like that at all. I want him to follow his dream and I want him to be sucessful, I just worry if he considers me and our relationship and that's I wanted to ask about but he saw it as me trying to stop him. I don't want him to think I am a selfish girlfriend. I haven't heard from him today at all and we had such a wonderful weekend and now he is silent and I don't know what to say or do? He seems to think I want to interfere with his career plans? please help me.

[Beec]

Leave him alone for a little while. Don't try to fix things immediately, because he may have been reacting defensively because he had not thought about it.

 

If he continues, then in a few days try again, letting him know you do want his dreams to come true. But you also hope they include you.

[Momene]

I see it a different way. I'm restricted from moving as my daughter is now at a critical stage of school. A couple of years ago, I saw a job I really liked but didn't apply as it was too far to commute daily.

 

I think we in England are less tolerant of going long distance than you folks in the USA.

 

A lot of it depends on how much confidence either of you have in the relationship lasting.