Just another breakup

[Dako]

I've read some moving breakup stories lately and really sympathize.

 

Maybe this personal slice might be of some interest to someone...or not.

Let me preface this by saying I have no answers and just muddle along like we all do, trying, crying and grasping at straws.

 

I met my ex for lunch today. She ended our marriage in September after 25 years. Stuff happens. She just endured a long and invasive surgery that will take months to overcome, and I'm just thrilled she's doing well.

She looks weak, skinny and pale, along with some facial changes.

Still the same pretty girl I married on a desert boulder in 81.

 

I was worried about meeting her today for many reasons. I wondered if I was fooling myself in having adjusted so well. Maybe I hadn't let go, was still wanting her to change her mind.

 

Today I discovered she's a dear and trusted friend who cares for me as I do for her. Yes, you can have friends of any gender, despite the running disagreement here. I just don't want her back as my wife. I hugged her and know where she fits in my life. I went home happily single.

 

She and I are sorting out the details of dividing our stuff and moving on.

Our friends and relatives push for contracts and caution as we trudge along, but we both take it as insulting meddling by well meaning outsiders. She and I speak our own shorthand language and share friends and relatives from way back.

 

So I've painted myself into a corner here. What's my point?

 

I was fortunate not to have violence, infidelity or bitterness during my marriage, so it's easier to cope, but the loss of a marriage cuts to the bone even still.

Well, if you had a good relationship that ended, you're lucky. It may take time to feel that way, but it endures. You don't have to be bitter and eat your brain if you choose not to.

 

I don't mean to sound so preachy, but there it is.

[melrich]

Hey Dako. Your break up and subsequent relationship with your ex-wife closely mirrors my own with my ex-wife. I endorse what you are saying and feel your situation.

[Dako]

Thanks, it's good to know others have this experience. We hear so often of ugly divorces, I just want to share this glimpse of another way.

[brando]

Dako,

Thank you for sharing your story. It is refrshing to see that two people now no longer married can atill be civilized, caring and warm individuals. I too was divorced not too long ago, and after i spent some time alone, i realized it wasnt my ex who caused me the pain i had suffered, it was the parts of me i cut off from myself. Anyway, I still communicate with my ex, it isn't over lunch or dinner or even a cup of coffee, mostly through email. It is probably the safest way for me to stay in touch with her. She intiated the divorce, and i am able to say with all honesty i can clearly see why now. (Won't go into detail here)

 

We were together ten years, and sadly married for three. So by no means can i truly identify with your quarter of a century marriage, but i do still care deeply for this woman, as you seem to for your ex.

 

I thought at one time i would have to hate her for me to get over this, but i discovered shortly after thinking this it was only hurting myself. So i opted to try and be more compassionate, caring and as understanding as i can when it comes to her, not to get her back, just because it is how i would want to be treated as well. It isnt easy, but then again since when is taking the easy way out ever truly rewarding.

 

Enough said, thanks again Dako, just from reading your words it is clear to me the bond you and your ex have still.

 

be well friend,

brando

[Donster]

I just wanted to echo everyone else's sentiments by thanking you for your post. Its refreshing to hear that you and your ex can be so at ease and at peace with each other after 25 years of marriage. It's really all about a change in the nature of your relationship, isn't it? Rather than an end. And that's why I thought your post was a great one--because it's not an end, and it's clear that you will still have a relationship with each other in the future, but as good, old friends instead of as husband and wife.