Life after it being tainted

[searcherrr]

I've been with this woman for 4 years. She was nearly 21 when we met. She's 24 now and i'm 30. Somewhere around the year and a half point I found out that she'd cheated on me with a guy friend that she insisted at the beginning of our relationship that I not discount from her life because he was the only true good friend she had. Later as I paid attention as I always do I realized that this guy was not really her true friend and just liked to surround himself with nothing by women and he was good at it because he'd have 4 or more lady friends over at a time. Anyway, i'd found out that she cheated on me and furthermore that it was with this same guy on at least 4 occasions. I found out from stuff I read (a confession of sorts to another guy friend of hers over email; i'm not here to get the 3rd degree, so just listen) so I am pretty positive that the cheating never consisted of intercouse. Nevertheless a kiss to me is enough to call it cheating. We were living together at the time I found out. I confronted her with it. She tried to deny it and minimize it. I told her it was over and that she needed to leave. She went hysterical. She cried for hours and could not fathom loosing me despite her words in what I read, "i feel bad at first for a little while, but after a couple days it goes away." and continued to say how she didn't really think it was wrong. The person she confessed to to make things worse was an old boyfriend of hers who now lives and did at the time in another state. I then found out that he (guy 2) had been flirting with her over emails, ims, and phone (phone sex) for some long duration of time. Guy 2 also seemed to encourage her activities with guy 1 and almost nearly cheer her on and say how lucky guy 2 was to have had intimacies with her. In october just when i'd started to trust her again I found that she'd signed up and paid for a membership on an adult dating web site which she hid from me. Eventually in nov 04 I did ask her to leave because after going to counseling it was realized that we needed to be apart for a long while if things were going to improve and get back to a trusting status. Later in that november I found out that her and guy 2 had phone sex again (this is immediately after we'd just broken up) and when I found it out I came to her and told her that I wanted no part of her anymore and that I knew now that I was done with her for good. She wept again and said i'd be sorry and regret it later on. I didn't feel that way at all at the time.

Since then over time we kept in touch, starting "dating" again, but not in a serious relationship. She lived in her own place and so did i. I started dating others again as well.

 

Hurricane katrina hit. She and her mother lost their homes and at some point during the ordeal she and I got back together on a serious level. At this point we are both more mature, grown and changed people for the better as a result of much counseling and talking about what is right for us to do. Not ever wanting to let go due to the intense bond we share(d), the firework love, the friendship, the time invested in each other, and the type of wonderful fun we've always had together we are still together today. After katrina she left to live with her mother in another state 770 miles away and has been there since nov 2005. Ever since then we've kept in close contact, but she has grown more and been living her own independent life as have i. We are in a serious long distance relationship now. We are in deeper love than I can ever recall and we cherish the

moments we have together when we do get to see each other. The kicker.

 

Despite how much we have grown, improved, worked hard for each other to be better for a more healthy relationship I still cannot get the cheating out of my mind even though that was about 2 1/2 years ago now. She now seems to care more about me genuinely than she ever did before and now actually seems to worry about my well-being beyond just her own selfishly as she always did prior to the distance separation. I obviously want this to work out and be for the best for us both, for us to be content, and truly happy with being together. I do not want it to be a lie, a joke, a fake tale to ourselves..... So why can I not get past the wrongdoings of her past when she was a different person? She was a different person and I know this for a fact. She has changed and she has grown into someone better and new. What can I do to satifsy this doubt that I have within me? I have even thought about having her take a polygraph test. Extreme yes, but I believe it would give me what I need to move past the bad of the past once and for all. Though that is extreme and not something most would go through, she actually has said in the past that she would do it. I however have not come through with the push to make it so as of yet, but now that I am facing possibly moving up where she is to be with her and live with her again I need to be 110% sure of the integrity of our relationship before I go.

 

I have thought of just breaking up with her, but I cannot do it and I do not want to. I have thought of dating again, but every time i've dated the women I date seem to get bored after the initial excitement fades and then after uforia for a few weeks things go cold turkey. I'm tired of games and having to hope that someone is going to want me for me and be interested in me all the while I have my current gf who through thick and thin has never stopped wanting me and wanting to be with me even when I discarded her from my life. What to do? Advice greatly appreciated and please I beg of those who respond not to parent me about the email part. I did what I did only because I felt something was wrong.

Thank you.

[sumguy]

Hey, welcome to eNotalone =)

 

I've found you get better and more responses if you break your post up into smaller paragraphs of five or so lines, large blocks of text seem to deter people from responding.

 

You can just use the edit button. =)

[mokajava]

despite what she did to you in the past, you seem to still love her very much. The past is the past, you need to forgive her once and for all and move on. If you decide to stay with her, don't ever throw the "cheating" in her face.

 

You seem to be very mature so make the best decision for you. You need to forgive and forget and hope for a better future. That's my advice.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Going through adversity can really help someone grow and mature. As a result of going through Katrina and losing everything, she may have developed a whole new perspective on life and love.

 

No matter what she will say or do, including a polygraph test, you will only be able to trust her once you yourself have let go of the past. This is your issue to deal with. If you feel you will never be able to trust her, then you have to let her go. Your continued distrust will poison the relationship.

 

I understand why you wouldn't trust her, if it were me I would be having doubts as well. Under normal circumstances I would say that with her history, she could do it again once your relationship becomes routine and safe. HOWEVER, as I said above, the fact that she has gone through such a traumatic experience, may have totally changed her outlook so that she would never repeat the same behaviour.

[searcherrr]

Thank you all for responding and for the welcome. I posted the same post to 2 other boards and no one has written back yet. I suppose it was a bit long, but thats my nature. I type fast and think fast so it makes for "story posts and emails".

 

I think I knew what was going to be said so far, but kept hoping for some kind of "magical" answer. Unfortunately for me in this situation I have a clear understanding of how the mind works from experiences and I know this stuff will haunt me unless I somehow find a way to consciously forgive and forget. I agree that for distrust to continue that it would continue to poison the relationship, but I had not thought of putting it that way and putting it that way makes the point very well.

 

I forgot to mention in my long first post that just in this past year I had to ask her more than once to eliminate Guy 2 from her life and delete him from her myspace friends listing. We'd had a discussion about this a while back and her feelings I know are that she wants to keep in contact with him. Guy 1 however she finally did realize the truth that he wasn't her friend and he's been out of the picture ever since the cheating. I am upset about Guy 2 though in that he is a slimeball. I also had forgotten to mention that while him and her shared these emails and phone calls a while back that Guy 2 was newly married with a newborn child who may be about 3 or 4 years old now. His attitude with my gf made and makes me sick. He is the kind to say whatever is convenient for him in order to get out of a sticky situation. The main reason I'm upset about Guy 2 and my gf's contact with him is that she'd have contact with him at all after what happened. I have made it very clear to her in the past and up until she removed him from her myspace that I will not be with her as long as he is involved in her life. Her and I also had a discussion a while back along the lines of if she had to keep in contact with this guy (because she's known him several years longer than me) then to not tell me. Then on that note what bothers me about that is it is leaving a margin for the unknown. I don't believe there should be unknowns in a "couple" situation nor do I adhere to the saying "What he/she doesn't know won't hurt him/her." because I believe it to be disrespectful. I feel like she should understand this and that she should've wanted to stop talking to Guy 2 altogether on her own for the good of our relationship because in my eyes Guy 2 is just as bad as Guy 1 and if Guy 2 would've lived near us at the time all this stuff happened I'm willing to bet something would've physically happened with him as well.

 

What do ya'll think about her being resistant to eliminating Guy 2 from her life just in recent months?

[searcherrr]

Another topic - On 7/22/06 I sent my gf copies of a personality assessment test finding that I received from a career counselor as I am exploring a new career path. Lots of changes going on right now. I sent it to her because when I read it I realized that it was giving me very insightful information about myself and why I am the way I am. I sent it to her with the instructions that I wanted her to read the 4 pages, highlight, and make notes on the information and then send it back to me so that I could see how I am perceived by her in a side effort beyond the career counseling to better improve her and I's interactions and communications since we are drastically different personalities. The letter I wrote to her with the 4 pages was done in "hand-writing" which she should know by now is a rarity as I usually type most things. She's acknowledged noticing this in the past and thought highly of it as well as treasured things I hand wrote her which were lost in Katrina's wake. The letter's content was expressive enough that this was/is very important to me and so was my initial discussion to her when I said I was sending it, and again the 2 hints thereafter. This past Thursday she just finished a final exam (she took one math class at a jr college over the summer) on Thursday. Her and I go on a trip to Florida for a week this coming Monday and she has not mentioned the letter/paperwork at all on her own; not once. This is typical of her. She rarely does anything for anyone else; only for herself. It usually comes down to me having to push her after getting frustrated and upset about whatever topic to get action out of her on anything and then she turns it back onto me saying I'm making her feel guilty when I shouldn't be. I did do a fair share of un-fair guilting onto her in the past, but that was before all the counseling and time apart. This obviously has skewed the ability to see when I have a valid point and when I don't because she uses the guilting excuse on me every single time she is extremely lax on something that I've waited patiently on. I realize she had that exam and daily homework and keeps a 25 - 30 hour part time job, but how much more time am I supposed to give her? Do I bring it up again a 4th time? After 4 years I am very tired of this cycle and tired of being made to feel bad about things that I feel are important to me (after I lose my cool after extended waiting and hints) that she should acknowledge on her own to begin with. This is where knowing her comes in to play because one may think by her behavior that she doesn't care about me as much as I've said, wherein the reality is she's just plain lazy. Her mom and dad divorced ages ago and her and her sister lived with her mom in what was surely always a pig-stye (spell check?) only with focus on reading books and school. She doesn't react until the absolute force-out point like if I'd threaten to break-up with her if she doesn't pay more attention to things beyond herself. Of course she talks to her mom a lot and human nature is to defend thyself and she believes she is not discourteous or lazy and that its just me. Well, in 4 years more than just me has gotten to know her and everyone I know has commented on the same stuff that I've noticed and that is the only thing thats kept me sane. I guess it could be basically described as she loves me, but just doesn't want to put forth any effort especially if it is by way of suggestion coming from "me". This inclines me to think I should wait even longer on the personality letter response, but I had sincerely hoped (and told her) that she would've done it and sent it back to me before we were going on this trip to Florida. Now I'll be thinking about it the entire week holding my lip. Do I really want to bring that up on the trip? I know the first thing out of her mouth will be that she wants to relax and not talk about stuff like that on vacation and frankly I would agree with her there, but it of course still burns me that she didn't take notice of the importance of this and get it out of the way. sigh....

[searcherrr]

Nobody have anything to add? I'm sorry its so long, but its just long.