The biggest loser in the world

[Fallout]

Hi, it is extremely hard for me to post this..took me a few months after finding this forum to get the courage to do this...sorry if it's too long...here it goes...

 

Basically as you might have already guessed, I feel like the biggest loser in the world, and for good reasons..let's see I'm a broke 26 yrs old don't have a job or prospects, dropped out of college taken it again last year and I'm about to flunk 2nd year again because I didn't even try...much worse to come..I basically have no friends anymore, maybe 1 or 2 but not that close to them, I've never had a relationship and am a virgin, I am constantly depressed and have been for 10 or more years. I think all my problems come from highly severe social anxiety, for so long I was extremely nervous being around people I could barely talk right to them, I feel like I built a cocoon between me and the world and was too anxious to even go to school, college lots of days even for exams, instead I shut down the outside world completely and imersed myself as long as I could in "virtual worlds" like card game sites on the internet or pc games, readin books watching tv etc. anything to avoid the real world which of course only helped for so long until my loneliness came crashing over me. I have wished myself to be dead lots and lots of times, I do as I write this, wanted to commit suicide many times but never had the courage to even attempt it - I guess that self-preservation instinct is too strong in me unfortunately...In fewer words I feel like I don't belong in this world, don't feel a part of it don't know how to fit in it.

That social anxiety has lessen somewhat in the past few months, but that cocoon I built around me is still strong, I can't bring myself to just pick up books and learn something for more than a few days at a time, then the escape from reality is back in, maybe I'm afraid of failure or afraid of success I don't even know which...

 

I know I want a "normal" life I want to be happy but I also know I wasted the best part of my life, and I'm so used to being in that escape-from-reality state I don't know how to leave it.

 

This has been very hard for me to put down for everyone to see, I hope you forgive the long post...I feel a little relief now that i put it in writing tho I know it's just temporary...I don't really expect many things to come from this post tho, don't see what advice someone could give me to start helping myself...

[BornToResist]

I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way. I don't think the "best part" of your life is over, and I'm sure many others would agree!!

 

My brother suffers from severe anxiety, and he went to the doctor and they gave him a prescription that helps him out SO much. Have you ever thought of doing that?

[Third Wheel]

Its okay, you can still make it.

 

I think you're first priority might be to get a job and finish college, that way you're not pressured financially. And, it'll help you pass time. Right now, it sounds like you don't want ( or can't) actually go to a college physically, but why not try an online college program. Learning from home and such. I'd say still go to college if you could, because that way you can atleast still be around other people. And it sounds like you're addicted to solo-activities, maybe try limiting how much time ya spend playing games and such. There's nothing wrong with reading a good book though.

 

After ya get a job, you'll be in a social situation where you can practice on making just small talk. Like a simple hello, goodbye, etc.

 

If you've been depressed that long, maybe medicine might help, like talk with a psychologist about it.

 

**Oh, I think I misread your post.**

K, are you not able to actually learn in college? Like, is there a problem with just studying from a book, or is it because its around other people?

 

And if it helps, atleast asking for help is a sign you're trying to improve your life. I think (THINK) that you should visit an actual medical professional about this. If you've been depressed, there might be a chemical imbalance that might be ameliorated by medicine. Maybe after, when you're feeling like you can atleast make small talk, you could join a class at a rec center, like learning tennis. That way you can be around people with out having to say too much. And then, you might be able to slowly start talking more and more.

 

Good luck, and don't feel so bad. If ya think of the big (really big) picture, of our place in the universe and such, no one else is any better off then yourself.

 

**Ooh, another idea. Try volunteering helping children somehow! That makes everyone feel better. Like at a place that helps mentally handicapped children, or at a day care, or something like that. That way you can always know that atleast you're using your life to help children out, and I know for a fact that getting a hug from a little kid makes everyone feel better.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Fallout,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone,

 

You are rightfully angry with flunking, which breaks happy expectations. I would like you to read in: Wicked about depression and ADHD which may offer leads into why you flunk and help you balancing yourself.

 

Once you read this, lets talk about expectations vs ability, also please let us know if you have any history of traumatic experiences like abuse or accidents.

 

We always will be here for you!

[itsallgrand]

Hi Fallout,

 

Good to meet you. First off, you are not a loser! It took a lot of guts to put those facts about your life down on paper..err, I mean the screen.

It's a good first step. Let it the energy and momentum carry you forward.

Give yourself credit for sharing it and looking for help - you deserve it, you are already acting to help yourself!

 

Ok. So you are 26. Check it out - I'm 27. I get how you may feel that the best years of your life are gone, but I'm sorry, that is distorted thinking.

Let's say you live to 50. That would be a short life. Still, you'd have all the years you have lived to live yet!

 

You can still experience sex, love, romance, finishing school, finding a career you love, kids.....so much. You have everything to look forward to!

 

The people here at enotalone are excellent at giving support and advice.

When it comes down to it though: this is all you. You have to do, you have to be willing to take risks, to face yourself and your fears, and to just go for it.

 

We only get one life. Yours is still going, and you are young and full of potential!

You can do anything. Do you know what it is you want - specifically?

 

For now, my advice would be to keep writing! Get it all out. Let's take a look at what you are really dealing with. What is it about yourself you do not like? What changes would you like to see happen?

 

It's really about you learning about yourself. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Soon you'll see that many of these demons are imaginary creations, and can overcome like a whiff of smoke.

[SquareWheel]

Well, I don't know if this will make you feel any better or not, but there are some of us out here a lot worse off than you are. I say I don't know, because when people have told me "worse off than you are" stories all it's usually done is make me realize how much worse things can ultimately get. But maybe I can give you some advice that'll be helpful. After all, we really do learn from our mistakes, and I figure I've gotta be one of the best educated people around.

 

I'm going to turn 48 next month, and I'm still a virgin. Never been on a date or had a girlfriend. You can't imagine what a frustrating and unhappy life it's been. The reason is a long story; the short version is that I was an eccentric (in a nice way!) kid, too cerebral and intellectual for my own good. I never developed any social skills. I grew up very much a loner, and I thought I was content that way; after all, I'd never known any other kind of life and had nothing to compare it to.

 

Then in my early 40s I discovered the internet and began getting a view of what was going on in the world and I was shocked at what I'd been missing. So now I'm a recovering loner and struggling to have a life for the first time. With what I know now, I can look back and see a couple of bad habits I got in to growing up which were the major contributors to my self-imposed alienation. Just realizing what I was doing would probably have given me what I needed to change the unfortunate course I was on. I don't know if you have either of these habits, but they're fairly serious so I feel like I should share what I've learned about them.

 

First - I thought too much. About age 12 I began over-analyzing life, the world, and myself. Lots of normal things everyone did began to appear irrational or silly, and also I began becoming self-conscious for the first time. Eventually developed a whole list of neuroses and insecurities. What I'd suggest from this experience is, if you've stepped into this trap, get busy. Idleness is a psychological quicksand pit, and self pity is poisonous. Self pity, in particular, can ruin you emotionally. Find something you can get into, especially something that brings you out into public and compels you to interact with other people. Sensible introspection is fine, but it can go too far. Do whatever it takes, but don't let yourself become a brooder. People who go too far down that road often don't come back.

 

Second - I practiced defensive pessimism. On the face of it, it looks like a good strategy. Always expecting the worst protects you from disappointment. But it became an ingrained habit, and as such things tend to do, it went too far. Eventually I was seriously expecting/believing unrealistically bad things about the world, people, and myself. I became what psychologists call an avoidant personality. (Look that up in Wikipedia. Pretty scary!) My advice to anyone else who is starting down this road is that it's better to take life's occasional sucker punches and deal with them than to risk unwittingly turning yourself into a pessimist. It's amazing how much you miss in life when you always think the worst. Bad experiences and good experiences often lie close together in life, and when you avoid one you avoid both. And brooding compounds the problem, because it makes you think-skinned and sensitive to life's stings.

 

Sorry this post isn't better written, but I have to work tomorrow so I wrote it in haste. Heck, for all I know I may be the only person nuts enough to have had those two problems, but they can both be life-wreckers, so I felt like I had to warn about them. One thing I'd say with emphasis: Get out of yourself and get busy, by any means necessary. It'll make a world of difference in your life.

[itsallgrand]

Good post, SquareWheel.

[Fallout]

Hi everyone thx for all the answers...let's see :

**Oh, I think I misread your post.**

K, are you not able to actually learn in college? Like, is there a problem with just studying from a book, or is it because its around other people?

 

No, the thing is I am able to learn but I can't bring myself to sit down and do something, anything and follow through with it....

 

What is it about yourself you do not like? What changes would you like to see happen?

 

Well, I'd like to be able to do something and stick to it, have friends girlfriends etc...in a word be "normal"

 

Like I said in my first post, my social anxiety has diminished somewhat, but I sat around doing nothing for so much time I guess I have some undefined fear of failure or something and can't bring myself to do something productive...ty again for all the answers

[Fallout]

Wow great post square...I too began over-analyzing the world and life, tho at a later age, I had a stupid feeling of superiority about it...deciding what's right what's wrong with the world sort of thinking I was smarter than everyone...don't know if that makes sense I'm not very good at expresing my thoughts in a coherent manner...

About your 2nd issue I was pretty much the opposite - overly optimistic, a voice in my head telling me everything was gonna fix itself basically, daydreaming etc... well enough for today

[nottoogreen]

SquareWheel,

 

Thank you for your valuable insights, First/Second are opposite myself, I was/am more like Fallout. I do have a mild case of ADHD. Any prologned imbalance can be life-wrecking.

 

ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

The symptoms of ADHD include inattention, impulsiveness and hyperactivity that are inappropriate for a person's age level.

 

Children who have ADHD often

• Are easily distracted by sights and sounds in their environment.
  
• Are unable to concentrate for long periods of time on low stimulation tasks (homework vs. video games).
  
• Are restless and impulsive.
  
• Have a tendency to daydream.
  
• Are slow to complete tasks.
  

Adults who have ADHD often

• Miss work deadlines.
  
• Miss appointments.
  
• Appear hectic and disorganized.
  
• Have significant problems prioritizing.
  

I actively manage myself without medications.

 

Fallout, seriously, please have a look at my post #4.

[SquareWheel]

Wow, thanks for all the encouraging feedback everyone!

 

Really, I hope that original poster will find something that'll work for him (I got the impression it's a "him"?). In some ways it sounds like he's starting down the same road I did, and that's kind of a dark one in some ways. Still, he's young, and he has the internet to learn from, which I didn't. So I believe the odds are probably in his favor if he just makes enough effort.

 

Actually, that might be an idea for a new thread somewhere. "Mistakes I've made and what I learned from them". We all make mistakes, and hopefully we all learn something from them, so it seems like we could all benefit from each other's experiences.

[nottoogreen]

Wow, thanks for all the encouraging feedback everyone! ...

Actually, that might be an idea for a new thread somewhere. "Mistakes I've made and what I learned from them".

You are welcome, and there is: What have you learned?. More in Wicked.

[Fallout]

Hi again, yes "it's" male....Looking at that stuff I think I might have some ADHD...also my problem is a bad case of lack of motivation, I think in my brain I don't really believe things can get better, and since I don't have friends to hang out with or or a gf I can't seem to get that motivation starting...sort of a vicious circle I guess.

I am also deeply ashamed of what I become when I had so much potential and opportunities, I rarely call family or friends because I know I look pathetic in their eyes...which I can't blame them for so I lost contact with many friends over the years...thx for the replies guys

[nottoogreen]

Fallout,

 

Work on ADHD - doctor.

 

Read depression - balance yourself in Wicked. Make a plan for yourself aka "positive expectations" and work on it.

 

Any broken expectations (trauma, abuse) post here please.

 

Your brain will follow your thinking - slowly - so you will get better, there will be bad days too but more and more good days as long as you do it.

[talo]

Hi Fallout,

 

I think in my brain I don't really believe things can get better

 

If you _don't really believe_ things can get better, does this mean that you _really believe_ they can get better?

 

I am also deeply ashamed of what I become when I had so much potential and opportunities, I rarely call family or friends because I know I look pathetic in their eyes...

 

You are saying that you are allowing others to define how you see yourself? Why do this?

[Fallout]

Ok, thought I'd post here after yet another week of lingering around with no purpose . It's funny I know if I'd start something and stick to it, work on it a few hours/day either study for something work for something then I could do better at least financially...but I just can't seem to do that. I must be the opposite of the "get-up and go" person, how do I even get to the middle of that threshold? any tips anyone ?

[nottoogreen]

I feel with you, have been there too. When one get's too depressed, to me it felt like a big steam engine with a big fly wheel running down, running down, running down... Nothing really matters. The opposite of getup and go. Also it seems like guys are better at that (IMHO because they deny feelings more so) than girls.

 

Some medications as part of therapy could help you. What about see a doctor ASAP.