Newlywed Woes

[MollyElise]

Hello!

 

My husband and I eloped about 2 months ago after 6 months of dating and living together. He is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. We've been arguing somewhat the past few days and there are several issues that all kind of roll into one. I want to know what I can do better in our situation, as well as how I can make up for being difficult, as I was this morning.

 

We normally go to an open mic that is a town over on Wednesday nights, my husband needed to use the car this morning (Thursday) for work which meant I would need to take public transportation. In order to make it to work on time for public transport I have to get up almost an hour earlier than normal. The negative atmosphere started, well actually it started the night before when I came home (almost 2 hours after he got home) he was sitting on the couch with my brother (who is visiting from out of town) playing video games, he usually is very affectionate, but that afternoon he didn't even say hi when I walked in or anything so that hurt my feelings (usually we'll spend at least a few minutes "connecting" with each other after work) I then went in the kitchen and it was a mess, there was stuff sitting all over the house from the night before, I said very sarcastically "well I guess Ill do the dishes and then cook since nobody else did" I do the dishes as he gets ready to leave for band practice, we sat down and talked for a bit and got in an argument about it, this is where one of the big problems for me comes in, I'm trying to talk to him and he puts up this big defensive wall, I apologize for making the sarcastic comment but that my feelings were hurt that he didn't acknowledge me when I got home, especially since he was leaving for the rest of the night in 15 minutes. His reaction was really childish, he wouldn't talk to me about it other than to say such things as, well Ill just make my own food and cook and do my own dishes and fine, I'll do the dishes every single night; I tried telling him that I don't need that, though it would've been nice if he had picked up some, I wouldn't have been upset other than his non-acknowledgement when I got home. I also told him that I was happy to come to a compromise but we needed to figure something out b/c the dishes have been piling up and getting washed once a week, when we run out of dishes! (BTW when we moved here I didn't want to move into this building b/c it didn't have a dishwasher, he told me he "love doing dishes, Ill do them as long as you cook"). Well he's just kind of ignoring me while Im saying this, and Im asking him what he's thinking, to please talk to me, what does he think would be fair. Anyways it just feels like Im talking to him and not with him and it turns into an almost child/parent role which I am not at all comfortable or happy with. During this discussion I even said "look I feel like a mom talking to her kid, I don't want that, please discuss this with me" he said that he felt like that too and too look at what I was saying, what I thought I was saying was to dialogue with me, not once did I say, you need to do the dishes or anything derogatory, I did say that my feelings were hurt and then I was annoyed that the house was such a mess; I can't say I know exactly what he thought I was trying to say but I think he thinks I was whining. Which maybe I was? But what else am I supposed to do? Just keep the fact that Im hurt and annoyed inside so he never knows? We did make up and he ended up not going to his band practice saying that he probably shouldn't since he's obviously so grumpy.

 

On Wednesdays evenings (last night) we often go to an open mic. Well I knew I had to take public transportation b/c he needed the car on Thursday which means I have to wake up an hour early to take the metro. So I didn't go even though he really wanted me to, he went by himself instead and came home around 12:30, he said he was going to eat and be to bed soon. I went to sleep to wake up at 2:40 and he was still up, I said babe please come to bed its late and you have work in the morning, honestly, I nagged him a tiny bit (this is something that happens often and we used to fight about alot, now I try to let him be as he can take care of himself). This morning comes, I get up earlly and get ready; I wake him up to take me to the Metro station and b/c of a couple things (that honestly were primarily my fault, but not intentional) I got to the station late which would get me to work over an hour late, which due to certain meetings and other events would really be unacceptable. This is where we start to argue, he says just take the car Ill take the metro later on and I say but I thought you had to have the car for work and he says he can figure out another way. This is where I really act like a brat, he tries to go upstairs and just let me take the car but I throw a royal/martyr hissy fit and tell him to take me to the metro and Ill just go to work late. In the car, Im like, why doesn't he just drive me to work, then go on his way, Ill take the metro home (I always have problems in the morning, but the afternoons are less stressful, as Im headed home without a deadline, I also at this point whine about how much I hate taking the metro). Him saying fine, Ill never take the car again, me saying well since it obviously isn't working out for the a.m. can't we figure something else out? Some of the things he said were that if I was having a bad day, I had to make sure he had one as well, saying I was trying to punish him for going out the night before. He then went into not talking to me, until I acted sweet as sugar and apologized to him for throwing such a hissy fit and promising to not complain about the metro. I end up taking the car and he goes home to take a nap before going into work. Well that was almost 4 hours ago, I have called and text messaged him and believe he is still at home asleep, even though he should've been at work at the LATEST 2 hours ago.

 

I want to work with my husband so badly, I know we are a really good team but we keep on falling into this hole where I am trying to discuss something with him and he takes it as me nagging him. What can I do to work on this?

 

Thank you for your time!

[Ash]

Take heart MollieElise, I don't think things are perhaps as bad as you might think. Much of this sounds like coming to terms with how things work out day to day, and that coupled with the fact he (and perhaps you) might be short on sleep can also shorten tempers somewhat.

 

He likely said he'd wash dishes when you first moved in because at the time he did believe he could do them all the time. Honestly, that's not realistic, nor is it realistic to assume that you would always cook. Perhaps one way to work around this subject is to ask him if he'd prefer to cook or clean certain nights and see how he responds. At the very least it should have him remember that there is always some housework to be done and he's expected to partake in that effort on an ongoing basis.

 

Sometimes, even in the heat of an argument, if one party agrees either begrudgingly or angrily that they will do such and such so you can do such and such, you should just let them do it. In the case of who was to take the car, sometimes it might be best for one of you to graciously accept an offer extended by the other but make sure the other knows they are loved and appreciated for it, and the one being offered the favour can promise to pay if back shortly.

 

Something to always try and do ... don't go to sleep angry at each other. Even if you have different bed times make sure he knows you love him every night, and share a kiss and a hug. That counts for a lot more than you'd realize at first, even when us guys get grumpy, somewhat withdrawn.

[MollyElise]

Ash,

 

Thank you for your reply. I know its nothing huge, but I want to do everything I can to make sure that our marriage is long lasting and happy. I see so many people on this and other boards I frequent who were so happy with their SO, but now XXX years down the road can't stand them, I think that primarily happens when you ignore the little things, ya know?

 

I don't want to be overly analytical about everything (and am typically not overly analytical at all) but I don't want to turn into a wife who nags and complains all the time, and I don't want him to not want to communicate with me. I never thought I would get married, mainly b/c thats what I saw all marriages become, thankfully I have been introduced to healthier relationships and do have some faith in marriage now, but know that you really have to work at it, especially the first couple of years when you are learning so much about each other and your relationship.

 

Again, thank you for taking the time to respond; and anyone else please post anything you might think or stuff or whatever!

[Ash]

Finding ways to grow together as a couple is one of the tricky things about a marriage and it can take some time and effort. But it's well worth it and I hope the two of you can work together and make it happen.

 

Just remember at the end of the day how you feel for each other, and use that as common ground to build on.

 

You're right, it's not a great idea to ignore the little things and let them perhaps fester, but it can be a fine balance between what to let go and what to try and resolve. If you do decide to let something small go then promise yourself that you're letting it go forever, and you're not going to hold it up for review later. That's a promise to make to yourself as much as to him. In other words, any small thing that you let go make sure you really let it go and not just tuck it away for use later in an argument. It can be really, really tough to do that, but it can work because some things are in fact minor enough. For example, on a given day, when reviewed a month from now, does it really matter left the car window open a crack when it rained and the seat got damp?

 

All the best. And you're welcome for the response. That's what we're all here for, to help each other!