when he refuses to talk about it....

[locolady]

I broke up with ex when i found out he had cheated on me......we were together 4 years and have now been apart for exactly 1 year. I was absolutely devastated and initially we argued a lot, i cried and drove him crazy, calling him often, shouting etc! I handled it very badly! he eventually point blank refused to discuss it anymore - he said he would talk to me but not about the cheating or the break-up. I tried once to ask him some questions about the night he cheated but he just said he is not prepared to discuss it anymore. BUT i have got a grip in the last year, he has moved away to start uni, i've been travelling and in the last six months we have had no contact other than a few friendly emails.

 

NOW however we are both spending the summer in our home town and have ended up working at the same sports centre - we are seeing each other daily for short periods of time - so far conversation has been friendly and fine - although very brief. He has asked me if i want to go for a drink with him to catch up......i dont know what to do.

 

I still yearn for him sometimes, but i have moved on so much and would quite like the chance to show him i am happy. Also i would love to be friends with him, he was such an important part in my life and he is great fun. I am worried tho that soon he will go back to uni and for me it will mean everything to spend time with him but it wont mean anything to him and he'll jsut forget me again once he is back at uni.

 

Also, i would quite like now to talk a bit about the break-up.....how can i approach this without him just categorically saying he will not talk about it.

Any advice appreciated.

[RayKay]

Hmm, personally, I am not sure why you want to be friends with someone whom apparently had little respect for you when you were dating and cheated...AND did not really hold up to his responsibilities for it.

 

But that is just me...

 

What do you mean you yearn for a chance to show him you are happy? If you ARE truly happy, he will see it....you don't need to prove it. I worry from some of these comments you are still tying to much of yourself to how he perceives you.

 

And why would you want to talk about it, when he said he will NOT talk about it? What are you looking for? You KNOW he cheated, what else is there to talk about?

 

I am sure he was an important part in your life, and given you age, you were together at a big time in your life as you grew up, but look at how he treated that importance?

 

Look, go for the drink if you want, but seriously, you need to NOT worry so much about what he thinks, or perceives, or what happens when he goes back to university, or anything. If anything, he should be worrying about how you perceive HIM since he was in the wrong...

[Beec]

When you are really happy and don't care what he thinks, that's going to show if you see him.

[locolady]

But what do i do when despite trying so hard, i'm not happy?

 

Yes, i do still care too much what he thinks of me - i'd love to know how to move past this as thats somthing i still havent managed.

 

he was everything i ever wanted, i wanted to be with him so so much and in the last year despite everything ive tried to do, i have found nothing i want as much as i wanted the future with him.

 

I feel that i will always be alone now....all my friends are in loving relationships, beginning to move in together etc....doing all the things i thought i would be doing now, all the things we had planned to do. I feel that ive taken a huge step backwards in my life - im such a loser right now - living at home with my parents again, finished my degree but no idea what i want to do, i have nothing going for me.....this is the year i thought it would all come together (my ex and i had been living apart for 3 years while i was studying but planned to live togehter this year) but instead i find myself alone, bitter and pathetic.

 

He on the other hand is in a new sitaution, having a load of fun and acting like i never existed to him. How do i forget him when to forget him means forgetting everything i want, all my dreams, all my hopes for the future? I dont want to have to settle for less than i dreamed of......but that is all that is left. My life can never be what i wanted it to be anymore.....

 

How can you possibly get over loving someone when to share your life with that one person is the biggest thing you can ever desire. Its hardly a passing phase, or an object that you simply want.....wanting that person to be in your life forever is the single most important thing you could ever want.....how are you meant to move on??? I dont want to have a half-lived life from now on. Its been a year and im still so broken.

[RayKay]

But what do i do when despite trying so hard, i'm not happy?

 

Maybe you are trying too hard to BE happy, and not instead just pursuing what makes you happy.

 

What makes YOU happy really? Not what you think will make you seem happy, but what do you find joy in doing?

 

I think you relate too much of whom you are to your ex still, and to being a couple. You are a whole person though, you need to figure out "who is locolady?"

 

This is where happiness will come from - from understanding you, loving you....enjoying being you.

 

Yes, i do still care too much what he thinks of me - i'd love to know how to move past this as thats somthing i still havent managed.

 

This is related to the above too. Right now you are still hung up on what you are missing out on, rather than what you can gain by moving forward. You are tying your future to what it no longer is, instead of what it CAN be when you make it happen.

 

 

he was everything i ever wanted, i wanted to be with him so so much and in the last year despite everything ive tried to do, i have found nothing i want as much as i wanted the future with him.

 

But, he is not everything you wanted because he did not return to you the same level you needed. He became what you did not want when he ended it.

 

Healing takes time, I have a feeling you are still stuck on the what ifs, what could of, what should of..rather than making your life, your future, yours. I suspect you tied your identity to him, as you were young and grew into him, rather than into yourself. This makes it harder. But it is not how it should be.

 

You need to be locolady, figure out whom you are, and NEVER forget that or change that for someone else. If you can't be you with someone, they are not the one FOR you.

 

I feel that i will always be alone now....all my friends are in loving relationships, beginning to move in together etc....doing all the things i thought i would be doing now, all the things we had planned to do. I feel that ive taken a huge step backwards in my life - im such a loser right now - living at home with my parents again, finished my degree but no idea what i want to do, i have nothing going for me.....this is the year i thought it would all come together (my ex and i had been living apart for 3 years while i was studying but planned to live togehter this year) but instead i find myself alone, bitter and pathetic.

 

I suspect most of your friends are your age?

 

I would say most of them are hiding more than you can see from the outside. Not all of them are in perfect relationships. Many of them will break up. They are moving in, but would you want to be moving out/breaking up when they do too?

 

Don't compare YOUR life path to what others are doing. It's pointless, and silly because you aren't them. And what is right for them, is not for you. Honey, thinking this way can lead you to make silly choices. Don't do that!

 

Why do you think you are going backwards? You are going forwards. You cannot change the fact that time will go on, you can let time pass you by, or you can seize it and have fun with it. Either way, it will keep on going. Don't waste it.

 

So what, you live at home? Whom cares. You are saving money, you are going to school, you are YOUNG. I have yet to meet any one your age whom REALLY knows what life is about and what they want to do forever. Many believe they do...but honey, life changes, people change, what you want and dream will change. Take the pressure of yourself. I am going BACK to school now, to do something entirely different. You do not have to KNOW now what you want for the rest of your life! You don't have to know at 90 what you want for the rest of your life!

 

At 22, my boyfriend of five years died. I too thought life was over, that I was "done" forever. I would be alone, never love again. Guess what? I was wrong on all counts. Life does go on whether you want it too or not, and all you can do is make the most of it.

 

As long as you BELIEVE it is "over" and choose to be bitter, you will not find happiness, you will not move on, or heal.

 

He on the other hand is in a new sitaution, having a load of fun and acting like i never existed to him. How do i forget him when to forget him means forgetting everything i want, all my dreams, all my hopes for the future? I dont want to have to settle for less than i dreamed of......but that is all that is left. My life can never be what i wanted it to be anymore.....

 

 

Your hopes, dreams are all way too tied to HIM, rather than to YOU. You are stunted in your growth honey, maybe as you did forget you too much.

 

Why are you tying YOUR life to someone whom does not want you there anymore? Why are you wasting your life on what HE is not? You have eto forget what you "wanted" and realize what you want.....and that is not someone whom does not want you in the same way.

 

How can you possibly get over loving someone when to share your life with that one person is the biggest thing you can ever desire. Its hardly a passing phase, or an object that you simply want.....wanting that person to be in your life forever is the single most important thing you could ever want.....how are you meant to move on??? I dont want to have a half-lived life from now on. Its been a year and im still so broken.

 

I think that you are stuck in the healing process as I said before. You are stuck focusing on him because you are afraid of moving forward. Stuck because you want to believe you were not wrong about him. Stuck because you fear making new dreams, hopes, a new future. And as long as you believe that, you will convince yourself it is true. And really, it's not.

 

Your ex is NOT the biggest thing you can ever desire. Maybe think more in terms of what you truly WANT...what does your ex represent? What you truly desire is to be loved and accepted for whom you are, right? You want love, stability, partnership? Well, guess what....your ex is not the one for those things.

 

What you first need to do is to develop the relationship with yourself. Stop tying your dreams and self to someone else external. Get power over your own life course. And when you love yourself, believe in yourself...the rest falls into place.

 

Make a CHOICE to stop living a life half lived. I am being harsh, only because I care and want you to stop pitying yourself, and start loving yourself.

[Beec]

Well, I think you need to take care of the other things in your life, figure out something you want to try to do, etc.

 

And, I think you need to realize that he was not, as he was, the guy to spend your life with. The attitude I would adopt towards him is that he was a stupid fool for how he acted, he took a great thing and screwed it up. HIS LOSS. It would not have been his loss, if he had been the man he should have been.

[locolady]

thank you for your replies RAYKAY- you talk a lot of sense! and the compassion you have for other people, even though we are strangers, is much appreciated.

 

I know you are right, i am too caught up in his perception of me - it probably is as you said, because we were so young when we started out - and i definitely know i grew into him and for a time, i neglected to think about what sort of person i wanted to be other than his girlfriend. And in that respect this year has been good for me, i am trying to recover some of what used to make me happy. I cant seem to get away from desiring his approval, his respect though - i guess because by cheating he took away that respect and made me feel worthless.

 

Thing is i have been doing everything by the book - i;ve travelled, met amazing new people, am learning to play the guitar, taking language lessons, making time to exercise and to do some writing which i enjoy. However it all seems so surface, superficial - at heart all i want in my life is love - that one relationship, that one person who puts me before all else, because i value love above all else. I am still not happy even though i am doing all these things. The travelling was amazing and i was happy while away but when i come home, it still remains that i have no-one to come home to, nothing long term in my life.

 

I think you are right that he represents stability, love and is perhaps important as "having someone" and i guess if i am honest its when i feel lonely that i miss him as a person so much and maybe i sometimes miss having someone just as much as i miss him personally. i feel that im missing out so much i guess......i know how great it is having someone special and it feels like such a crappy time to be alone - just when things should be starting an exciting time in my life, its back to square one and its so so hard to meet anyone decent. I get so disheartened by cheap, crass comments from blokes when out, i cant remember the last time i met anyone anywhere near nice who didnt have a girlfriend. I cant stand feeling liek the pathetic single friend who everyone pities. i hate going home alone at the end of every night as everyone else goes home to be with someone. I obbsess over whether he has any of these feelings, whether he has any regrets over throwing us away.

 

I do have low self-esteem and i dont know what anyone can do about that really - he knew me better than anyone, he saw all of me, right through me to my core.....weighed me up and decided i am not worth his time.......how can i ever think i am worth anything then?

 

I am so sorry about what you went through those years ago, that must have been terrible and i appreciate what you have said that feelings change and things move on even when it seems that you will never get over something. I am truly sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing that with me. Thanks again, Sarah