lost my girl due to problems w/ her ex (long post)

[whatthehell]

I posted this yesterday in the Getting back to gether forum, and got some great insight. I am looking for opinions from the long distance perspective so that i don't go crazy

 

LDR -A year and a half. Yes there's something to that time span...

I'm from New York. I met her while on a trip to Chicago (she lives there with her parents). She is 30, just graduated, and I'm 35. We hit it of instantly and became a couple 2 months later.

 

We would have little disagreements but nothing that couldn't be fixed with some talking.

 

After about 8 mos, she began to get irritable with me. Impatient. She revealed that her ex, who now lives in California and is a successful upcoming actor, used to hit her, and even held a gun to her head in an argument. They broke up after she asked his mom to intervene and eventually, he stopped speaking to his mother. She blames herself and has been feeling guilt for that ever since.

 

She says that this situation has not allowed her to move on and want to be loved.

 

By the winter time, she would be even more irritable and complaining to me that she could no longer play the girlfriend/wifey role in front of everyone when she is feeling all this pain.

 

A couple of other things contributed to this: I introduced her to my family way too soon, and I displayed insecurities at times as well. On top of all of this, she was completing her final year of college. This brought on way too much pressure for her to deal with.

 

After a strained and tension filled Graduation day, we had another talk, where she reiterated that she needed space and time. She couldn't "go on this way". Especially with me wanting the kind of relationship that she saw as smothering. She wanted to be able to fix the situation with her ex and his mother, without me hovering over her.

 

We began limited contact in June and July: I wouldn't call her she would call me. I didn't bring up our issues at all. She would be depressed and call me.

We went from speaking everyday in the beginning of our relationship, to speaking every other day (school for her, work for me) to this point of one call every week or so.

 

Then, she was dropping hints that she didn't want to stay and teach in chicago since no one seems to be hiring, but she didn't say anything about New York either. Her parents are retiring to Louisiana and they want her to come with them if she can't find anything. She has said she may do that but only as a last resort.

 

We share a phone calling card but I have access to the customer service number. She was indeed calling his mom, and trying to get him to call her. I figured this out from the duration of these calls. I am not proud of having done that, but I had to know something after all this LC/NC.

 

Finally Sunday July 23rd , we speak and she begins telling me that she wants to start sending her resume out to other states...I lost it. I asked her "what the hell are we doing? I'm tired of hearing from you every 2 weeks, not knowing what is going to happen to us!!!" She began speaking about us in the past tense "I got sick and tired of arguing over little sh*t. I told you i didn't want to keep hurting you when we were together because of the ex situation." We got off the phone.

 

I checked the phone card and she immediately made a call to her parents who were vacationing in Louisiana. And interstingly a one minute call to Florida (????) the following saturday.

 

I haven't heard from her since that last conversation, after I left 2 messages yesterday and today.

 

I may have ruined my last chance at seeing her since my mom invited her to come to NY once her parents return from Louisiana. I'm reeling, help me anyone. Objectivity please............

[whatthehell]

20 views and no perspectives? Anyone? I thought this was a site to come to for support?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Is she still with her ex?

 

Why would she sending resume to other states?

 

Do both of you constantly have arguments on minor things?

[whatthehell]

Hi

 

Is she still with her ex?

 

Why would she sending resume to other states?

 

Do both of you constantly have arguments on minor things?

 

She can't find work in Chicago yet, and her parents have been offering her to come to Louisiana if things don't pan out in a year or so. But my deepest fear is that she is trying to move to LA.

 

When we had the last argument, she said that she was trying to fix the situation between her ex and his mom, and was trying to rush it along since she knew I was waiting for her here to get that out of the way so we could try and move forward. Then the argument degenerated to her saying that I shouldn't wait for her. She wonders what if i meet someone while all of this is happening. She said that although it would hurt her, she would deserve it. She just wants to stop hurting me.

 

If she does end up doing all of this (move there) I want to know whether she will ever remember how well I treated her? Any remorse? Any regret at all? Will she realize how great she actually had it with me? This guy treated her like garbage, and she would be going back for more of that.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

May be you could give her space to sort her things out with her mum and her ex.

 

If she want to be with you, she would eventually turn to you.