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Feeling like an orfan


xtina
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I feel alone. My mom (alcoholic) rejected me when I was going to say goodbye when I was going to leave from Madeira to Lisbon. I had to run away from her house because I couldn't stand seeing her drunk every night. I'm usually not confortable with men and I can't stop thinking about the two weeks in Sweden I'm going to spend alone with my dad.

 

I feel like an orfan. My mom is not my mom - she is just alcohol - and my dad is one of those men I'm not confortable with. Yesteday I had a anxiety attack, and the last time I had it this bad was when I was 5 and my mom left me alone with my f*ck faced stepfather.

 

I'm not looking for stuff I can do or not do, because there is nothing I can do, but wait a year and leave all of this behind. I would like, on the other hand, some words of comprehension, reminding me that everything will be alright, because I feel it's never going to be alright, because everything keeps getting worst and worst. I even thought about ending it all yesterday, but nah. I want to see myself in future years.

 

But man, it's so hard. I never actually stopped to think about how hard it is. And when I finally did, everything seems to fall.

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Soon, soon, your life is going to be totally your responsibility. You may not be starting in the same place as someone else, but where you go and how and when you get there will be all about you. That's really already started. You are laying the groundwork for it now. And if you want to do something and think you can or you think you cannot, then you are right. Each of us has parents that a flawed individuals, maybe yours are more so than others. But you know your future is bout where you want to go. Make it happen.

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Hi Xtina,

Hugs for you! You sound like you are going through hell right now. I am so sorry that your family is so broken, but I can see the light of hope inside you. I assure you that there is no reason for that light to go out, there are better things in the world out there of that I AM SURE. If you are strong and you can open your heart despite these hard times you will be happy. Just remember that there are people out there who want to listen to you and want to know you. It must be hard to try and avoid being scarred by your home, but you can rise above it if you hold on to the future and make one for yourself! My heart goes out to you, good luck, I am hoping for your happiness.

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