"Relationship Soup" - When Love is Dependency

[RayKay]

I used this in another poster's thread today as it was very relevant to her situation, however I liked it so much I wanted to put it here too. It came from a "Ms Lonelyhearts" style article about a woman with a philandering hubby, and she stayed despite being miserable. But I think it could apply to many situations I see here.

 

I have often stated "love is not enough" when the rest is missing, and I think the following expresses well what I mean by that. I don't mean love is NOT important, but I DO mean love is more than a feeling, and that true love does not mean the sacrifice of you as a person. Too many people I see here - young and old - seem to have totally forgotten whom THEY are, or never learned. They seem to be entirely dependent on a partner to point that they literally feel they are absolutely empty without them. You should never have to sell yourself to give or receive love. True love requires action from BOTH parties in the equation, and one sided love is more dependency than true reciprocal love.

 

 

Here's the big myth that needs dispelling in your life. It's not enough to "love" someone, if you're going to also live with that person. Then you need the ingredients of a real marriage/live-in relationship. Love is just the boiling water that starts the "relationship soup." Into that base must also go respect, caring, consideration, common values, trust and compatibility. You don't have any of the important ingredients now, except the initial emotion, and even that has gone sour.

 

For the entire column, please see here:

link removed

 

Sometimes when we sell so much of ourself though to "keep that love" from someone else, not only do we forget to love ourself, we lost respect for ourself, and our partner respects us less in return. People treat us as we allow them too. And honestly, if someone won't treat you as you deserve, it is time to stop HOPING they will change, and love the person whom needs it the most - yourself.

 

Of course love is important, but it is about more than an emotional feeling that creates that long lasting love. And it is about more than loving our partner, it is also about loving ourselves, and not settling for someone whom does not demonstrate the "relationship soup" in return towards us.

 

True love does not drain us emotionally and physically, it enhances our lives rather than create it. We can operate as a couple and as individuals. We remember our names are not 'pookie wookie and snookums', but that we have real names all to ourselves. We have identities all to ourselves. We are not extensions of the other person, while forsaking all our passions, hobbies, friends, family. We deserve and receive respect, compassion. We share mutual goals for our relationship, and support one anothers individual goals as well. Together a team, but still strong individuals with our own opinions, strengths, weaknesses, goals and pursuits.

 

Don't settle and sell yourself short, don't forget to love YOURSELF, and don't forget that love alone is not enough.

 

Sometimes though, it takes some falls before we learn for ourselves these lessons, and what "true love" feels and looks like. I know, because I sure took a few bruises before I did.

[Momene]

Very good advice. I think that there's loads of "romantic" songs with themes like "can't live without you" whereas "Survivor", "I will survive" and "Get along without you now" are perhaps more realistic, not to mention the excellent "Jilted John". The problem is that we can't become totally dependent on one person in such a way. I remember the post today about "Mr Romantic". Yes, true real love can be rewarding but I think a lot of the popular "romance" culture builds up unrealistic expectations in peoples' minds.

[RayKay]

Very good advice. I think that there's loads of "romantic" songs with themes like "can't live without you" whereas "Survivor", "I will survive" and "Get along without you now" are perhaps more realistic, not to mention the excellent "Jilted John". The problem is that we can't become totally dependent on one person in such a way. I remember the post today about "Mr Romantic". Yes, true real love can be rewarding but I think a lot of the popular "romance" culture builds up unrealistic expectations in peoples' minds.

 

I agree Momene. And look at how many movies and fairytale romances are all about how someone "changed" their ways when someone just "stuck around". It's a common theme I see in both girls, boys, men and women that if they just stick it out...things will change. Their partner will realize the error of their ways, see their partner in a new light and change.

 

I have seen people under this assumption date through red flags, stay together through terrible actions on behalf of the other partner, get married with that hope marriage will be the cure, and then hope kids will change it, then age...you get the idea...

 

Even if their partner does not treat them "badly" but just does not really LOVE them fully, people hope suddenly they will, and even change whom they are to be what they believe their partner wants (I have done that too...!). Of course, this is a terrible strategy which will leave you both unfulfilled and unhappy, and with poor results!

 

Maybe that "change" happens 1% of the time, but the odds certainly are against you, and really, the cost to you is not worth such a risk in my opinion.

[tylercdurden2004]

Analogy aside, this is hitting the nail square on the old head. OUr experiment with "free love" without boundaries and structure didnt make it out of the 60's and 70's for good reason.

 

As for love being an incentive for a person to change its often not until that love is lost and long gone that a person will realize the value of what they had and make the changes they need to make, provided they are capable of changing.

[Momene]

As for change, I think people cannot really change for other people they can only do it for themselves. I'd say I've changed about 15% in being more assertive and that's a good improvement but I'll never be perfect.