I just lost my girl and I want her back...I need advice.

[don87gn]

Hi I am a 20 year old male. Me and my girlfriend who is 18 had been going together very steady for about a year and a half. We hardly ever fought and we did everything imaginable together. Her parents loved me to death and so did she. But then something happened about a month ago. She went to this party with a couple guys that she knew and one of the guys got her really drunk. Eventually the guy took advantage of the situation and raped her. Now mind you me and her are both virgins and we had plans on never doing it until we were married. She went to the hospital to get tests done and she checked out ok. But she was depressed for a couple weeks after that and she didn't even tell me until a week later. We finally agreed that there was nothing we could have done and that we should just forget about it and move on.

 

Well ever since that time, she hasn't really been the same. She was nervous and reluctant to do things with me and she always had these little doubts in her mind that we may not last much longer.

 

Well last week...we went to a concert together. We had a ball. We said our goodnights and left on good terms. But then she wouldn't answer her cell phone or call me for the next 3 days. Finally she calls me up late last wednesday night and out of the blue tells me "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore." I didn't know what to say...I was in total shock and I felt so hurt. She wouldn't give me ANY reasons why she did it. She had said that she was getting bored with me and that alot of little things about me were bothering her. But I was so good to her. I gave her pretty much anything she wanted. I treated her very good.

 

Later I find out from her mom that the day after we went to that concert...she met some guy at a fair and was seeing him the whole week. That's why she didn't break down and cry after she told me to hit the road. She had it all planned. When I found that out I almost lost it. I have talked to her mom and she is very dissappointed that all of this is happening and she told me to just not talk to her for a while and let her gather her thoughts because now is not the time to be trying to get back with her. I talked to my girl just once since then and she told me that she didn't even like this guy too much and that it probably wasn't gonna work. Now I sit at home just wanting to call her and talk to her but I am sticking to the plan of not calling her or talking to her for at least a week. Is there any advice to this situation?

 

(added from next post - swingfox)

 

I forgot to mention that she still has ALL our pictures together and all my stuff i bought her...i was her REAL first true love and she was my first REAL true love as well...do you think she will be wanting me back? my guess it will just take a little time...her mom said that this new guy of hers is probably just a temporary fix to take things off her mind...but they don't like the guy and neither does my ex...afterall i just recently got in a car accident because my thoughts lately have been screwed up...everyone keeps telling me to just move on and find someone else but i had a good girl and i still have TONS of feelings for her...she MUST have some feelings for me still if she's keeping the pictures and everything right?

[lipstick]

Im sorry........but

she dumped u...........

when on a party without you.........

lied to you.........

why would you want to go back to her?

She is the one who messed up everything .......she should be the one who will make it up to u...........

Don't be a cry baby....ur a man in his 20's.......

Get out of house, start dating,doing something...........let her know that u can survive without her........

That way she will respect you more and would what to go back to u.......

[don87gn]

the reason why i still want her back is because i know NORMALLY she wouldn't have done all this to me...but her mind is so screwed up right now she doesn't know what she wants...yes i am completely pissed off at her for hurting me so much for no reason, but i am still leaving the door open for her because i know that she's been going through a rough time with the whole rape thing and i just hope she one day sees the light and says to herself "i need to get back with that guy who really did love me"

 

yeah you're right i need to get out of the house and hang out with my friends and do things but i can't this entire week because i got all banged up from that car accident that i am lucky to be alive...i am on pain killers and muscle relaxers because i can barely walk...that's probably why i am having such a hard time with this...it's like both these bad things together are making me insane! i've been in the same room for 4 days now...

[BazookaMike]

Its hard sometimes, and when us guy actually notice its too late. The thing is she should have been sending signals, girls rarely just fat out decide to leave. In her mind she's expressed what she wanted more than once but didn't receive it. She could have wanted to feel more secure around you. They always give hard to read hints about their feelings. And if she doesn't know herself its almost impossible. Not saying you messed up, but her experience could have disrupted her feelings. I think that's what happened.

 

IMO End this before she does, do it for her. And keep listening for her needs for now. Be there when she wants your help, right now she doesn't want it. Don't let her break up, or she'll try to push you out to get over you. That will be negative points for you in the future because I think you can help her but not right know.

[lipstick]

what i ment to say it that sitting at home and dreaming about her wouldn't lead to anything, instead it will drive YOu crazy..............

Its either you in or out.............

Just don't sit at home.....................

If you want her back a lot..........get flowers,make a little present for her (like nice frame with the pictures of two of you)

Get to her house at about midnight..........

That will freak her out BUT i believe its romantinc............

tell her that u love her infront of her parents.........

it might work

good luck

and get a clean cloth and a good perfume.//////////////

[faster302]

Wow Bro, sounds to close to home for me, except the rape part. That's not cool about the car crash, I don't know if my advise is any good, but I can tell you what I am doing is trying not to call her, it is so hard I cant stand it, I do not live close to my family so I have to call them, and my friends to get my mind off of her. When she got raped did she go talk to professional help? that would be hard to deal with by herself even just with you. I would tell you to start going out as soon as you can. How did calling her mother go? I have been thinking about doing the same thing. good luck with her and remember not to smother her.

[don87gn]

what i ment to say it that sitting at home and dreaming about her wouldn't lead to anything, instead it will drive YOu crazy..............

Its either you in or out.............

Just don't sit at home.....................

If you want her back a lot..........get flowers,make a little present for her (like nice frame with the pictures of two of you)

Get to her house at about midnight..........

That will freak her out BUT i believe its romantinc............

tell her that u love her infront of her parents.........

it might work

good luck

and get a clean cloth and a good perfume.//////////////

 

i actually thought about doing this...the first week we met and were going out i had my camcorder and recorded various things and places where we went together...i was gonna put them on tape and leave it by her front door along with a set of roses and a card saying I miss you and I still love you...i know she was wrong in what she did but i am willing to forgive her if she apologizes and realizes she was wrong...but i am not gonna do it anytime soon...i was gonna do all this in about a week or so...that way i have allowed time for her to think her thoughts like her mom requested...i want to give her some time to think about me and let her miss me before i do all that...if i did it tomorrow she wouldn't like it because everything is so fresh and sour right now...is this a good idea guys?

[lipstick]

Don!

Actually i agree with you that ,she must be missing you too...........

So true, give her some time to think about you ..........

And when she is misssing you, here you are with that video tape and flowers............sounds good enough!

However.........you never know which way she will go........

She might end up falling down and start parting with other boys.......

You must know the person actually to debate which way she will go..........

 

IF i were you i would wait but not for a long time..........cause that will drive You crazy............give her a week or two and than show up.......

P.S. when you actually show up don't do the drama thing......

like making the sad face and the only words coming out of your mouth is I LOVE YOU........

Let her know that you are OK , however you get so used to her that you can't be without her.......and know that she left you , you understand who mush you miss her .......love her........

Give her a flower , chocolate, nice kiss (once) and hold her hand a lLOT

and be happy.........don't make her cry.......actually make a little joke....

LIke:

_Guess what , since you dump me i 've been thinking a lot more than i ever thought i could..........

Well , maybe isn't so good.......but u can come up with something.......

Do funny stuff.......laughting with you will came her feel comfortable.......

Just a little foot back , when i broke up with my bf and wanted him back........i painted "die or marrie me" and my telephone number on his trash can infront of his house.........he said im insane to do that.....but he thought that is was so funny and sweet , he actually came to me on a next day with flowers......

So its ur choise.......Good luck and if i see you.......tell me the HappY end story!!!

[don87gn]

oh my god guys! i just received an email from her...she sent it at 12:25 am last night! she said "hi babe! i wrote a half page email today and i went to send it and it didn't allow me. my message was erased. so i'm sending you this little one to see if it goes through. i will hopefully email you tomorrow if i have time. why don't you give me a call around eleven tomorrow nite on my cell phone. i have free minutes. by the way to you still have your cell phone? talk to you tomorrow"

 

i have never ever felt this happy in my life...and to think i was going to give it another week! maybe i shouldn't get my hopes up TOO much just in case something bad happens but i know her...we've had little tiny breakups before this major one and she ALWAYS came back to me right away...

[lipstick]

 

LOl i guess than you are a big drama queen.............

Maybe you over thought the whole situation.......and made it worse than it actually was...............

But hey...........its over............................................................

take care.......

P.S. Lucky ass 8)

[don87gn]

well i dont know what she has to say yet...i won't till later tonight when i call her...but yeah maybe i was just a little too much hurt and stuff but this is my first time going through such a situation and same to her...i really hope she has come to her senses and comes back to me the guy who will love her for who she is and never take advantage of her and always be there for her...i will post on here the outcome later on...

[don87gn]

well that email that she sent me was not supposed to be a good one like i originally thought...she called me up today and told me it's all over now and that we need to move on with our lives...she is still dating that one guy but i don't even care...i told her that if she ever wanted to talk to me later on just to email me first...but let's never talk on the phone again or ever see each other...we both said our best of wishes and goodbyes and then we hung up...we are both getting ready for college anyways...i cried my eyes out but then after i was done i felt better and i started to realize that i have learned so much from this relationship and that it will make me so much smarter and stronger...i feel really good now that i know what is going on...i am glad to move on with my life and i definitely do not plan on getting serious for a long time like i did with this girl...this was my first real true love and it will be very hard to get over her...but god damnit i will prevail and i will get stronger with time...i thank everyone who helped me out on this! you guys are awesome...i will definitely remember this site and come back to it when i need help...thanks again

[lipstick]

Lol.............

sad that it end up so "unhappy"

But believe me .........once you get into college............

You will forget everything.........and start dating again...........

Its only sorry that the first love ended up so badly......eh.......happens..........

Wish you luck........

Be a good student......... 8)

[don87gn]

guys...she just emailed me this morning already telling me she got rid of that guy she was seeing because it wasn't ever going to work out and she misses me too much...i think she is hinting towards wanting to get back together with me...here's what i said to her

 

basically i will take you back if you apologize to me and tell me you were totally wrong in everything you did to me...you have to change and you will have to love me for everything and respect me more...and that i am still very hurt and it will take a little time to totally forgive you...(i am a very forgiving person) i am awaiting her response to that...i am missing her so much still...even though she did all that harm to me i am still finding it in my heart to forgive her somehow or another...am i crazy?

[dazn]

Don't take her back! Whos to say she won't do what she did to you again...it seemed you were on your track to recovery but you just need to cut all ties with her if you want to move on. Don't forget that you were the one that was done wrong to. Give yourself more time to heal and if she really loves you she will respect your actions! Peace

[don87gn]

ok i got another email from her tonight...it goes like this

 

"hi don! i'm glad to here you are going with josh down to indy this weekend. it is good for you to be with your friends. i have to go to chicago on thursday to declare my change of major. i work on friday until seven but i'm going out with mary probably. saturday i have no clue but i have to work at four. sunday i'm spending with adrienne. monday with kim watson. tuesday and wednesday packing. somewhere i will squeeze in rhett. who knows. i move in on thursday but i'm coming home saturday and sunday (at least i think so). i never told you rhett and i broke up. i just don't think it is going to work in college. but who knows. so how is your family doing? i don't think you should call my cell phone. we agreed just on emailing. i kind of want to hang out before i go to college with you but i think that is to much for the both of us. maybe in a couple of weeks. i'm afraid that you are still so much in love with me and i don't want you thinking i want to get back to together. at least for right now. we both need time to ourselves. well sorry about emailing you sooner. i just been so busy. i worked seven hours today and i was suppose to have the day off. talk to you later."

 

my reply to this was basically me saying that i don't want you back if you aren't going to love me...you have to sincerely apologize to me, beg for my forgiveness, and respect our relationship and be loyal to me and never cheat again and be honest with me...i wish i could have saved the email i wrote her back...it was so intelligent sounding and i basically didn't back down to her...i laid it all out for her...i told her that i respect the need for space but i don't respect the way you handled it and just tore my heart all into pieces when i did NOTHING wrong to you...we will see how she responds to that...it sounds like she is planning to get back with me but not right away...i guess she wants to get settled into college first and then see how things go...all i know is that i am not waiting around for her ass...sure i will be willing to listen to her and i told her that even though i am so pissed at her, i still have feelings for her and i do still care for her and that i miss her...but i will keep myself open availability to other girls...i am not gonna "expect" her to come back...but if i am still available at the time she does want to get back with me and she really does apologize to me and listen to everything i said...i told her i would gladly take her back...i am just like god...i am a forgiving person and will give you other chances to redeem yourself...in her case this is her first real screw up and i want to see how she rebounds from it...hopefully it's for the better...then i will take her back...what do you guys think?

[its your life]

What a story. I wish I was on this site back in August to chime in on these posts. But good turn of events don87gn, it seems like you have really learned from this. From her e-mail it doesn't seem like a relationship with her would be worthwhile right now. She seems very bitter and probably regretting leaving you now that she has tested the waters. Seems like you are having fun with your friends and such. Keep it up and if she truly feels sorry for what she did she will find something unbelievably creative (singing telagram, personal visit) to prove her love. Settle for nothing less..

 

How did this turn out?