i just need to vent about shock.

[itsallgrand]

basically, tonight i got a call from my mom telling me about her weekend.

she happened to witness a car rolling over, and was the first at the scene.

long story short, she is in shock still. she didn't stop talking for an hour straight.

she did good, she did everything right. i'm proud of her for that.

she seemed shocked that she was able to do what she did, seeing how at the time she did not know what she was going to be encountering. she may have been putting her own life in danger to help. turns out she knew who the people were in the accident, and she didn't loseit. the mans statis is still critical, so we will see how he does.

 

time for my vent. i talked to her, listened, i know she has others there to make sure she takes care of herself and she has work. so she will be ok. plus, i'll talk to her plenty.

 

thing is, it rattled me. no way it could be avoided, these things happen, i wanted her to tell me, i like that she shares with me. our history is checkered and strange. we've been through some sh/ and there were times i was holding way more weight than i could understand would impair me badly later. it continued on and on.

 

tonight, i really felt, no brain fuzz just gutt level felt 'this woman needs me so much, has for so long, and yet she doesn't hasn't won't allow how i have needed her'. it really clicked home a lot of what i have been struggling with and how deeply needy i sometimes feel...never quite healing or advancing at the pace i should...having done so many things without knowing that i was only needing and seeking some sort of attention and care...more than i could get or mindthought i deserved.

 

tonight i keep thinking about death. i've seen some pretty intense things in my life, honestly, much more than my fair share, and some of it has been by my choosing, my decision to be in chaotic places and situations. but i have been mindfed and gone through too much bloody shock already. i'm feeling like a freak lately. crisis is calm, life, puts things in perspective, easy to be decisive, comfortable? normal, to me, more normal than dealing with peace and regular concerns. regular concerns are weird. i get overwelmed and have a warped attitude about it which i continue to work on. it just seems not worth the time enough to give full attention or effort or something..bleh.

and yet my life requires i learn, and i want peace. peace and some order.

 

my brain just wont shutup. this last week or so i've been dealing with flashbacks - a bleep bleep thing i thought was over and done with...seems some extra tranquility and sanity in my life, resting a few petty this and that, opens the space for it to reassert itself, finish its business. i know now a lot of good ways to deal with it, not freak or get lost in it. still. fragments and various realities. i just want it to be a unity. already. geez. i want to feel whole and healthy.

 

i keep coming here to fill my skull and distract myself, and i know this is not good to the extent i am doing it. i need to deal..and i need my foothold again.

or...a regular life for the first time in ages...one step forward and then a cruise off into lala land again ...not good. old habits die hard.

 

i won't go into my every personal problem, but i know i have some serious drawbacks and i am not yet where i want to be. it is still hard to really be loving, to really be present, to really get a grip and not lose myself in the past and emotions...i don't feel fully myself...i find my patience needs developing, but i am so tired, so sick and tired of the same ...same ...

 

i just dont' want to fight anymore. very tired of it all being a fight. very tired of being responsible! ha! sometimes i think a nice trip to the hospital would be relaxing, and that doesn't seem likea good sign, to want to go to the crazy house to relax! i'm not even crazy, but the extra support and help would be really nice and help me a whole lot...bc i actually want to get fully well and better...it wouldn't be a waste...

 

ahkh. Tired. can't seem to find the meaning or way of digesting this silly world and how i fit in it..feel too old for my skin..not in the good way...in the been used up way...in the 'want to know death very badly so i can live' way. just want to figure out how life can have meaning again in its true sense...rather than the fight to get scraps where you can and carry on...which i will do, of course.

 

don't know. maybe i'll feel better after sleep and some sun, morning. starting to dislike the nights again.

 

over and out.

[nottoogreen]

Hi itsallgrand,

 

Guess it was high time for you to vent. You could write more often.

 

In case you have not looked at it recently, it's grown a bit: Reference materials and more info

 

I think we do not have to worry and analyze too much. But, as you never talked about your mom in the other thread, I want to ask are there any unresolved issues between you and her?

 

About your feelings, the emotional roller-coaster ride continues, just a bit of frustration with yourself, it will get better. Do not keep it bottled up though, this time the "bottle" was full again, you surprised yourself. Please post whenever you want to get something out. Besides, ongoing encouragement does not harm.

 

Remember, it took you years to get into this emotional state, it will take time to get out of it! Your brain will follow your thinking and adapt to the new positive life! Patience, patience, you are doing fine.

[Dako]

Itsallgrand,

 

That was one of the best things I've read lately.

Those harrowing experiences have also made you a wise and valuable person. You bring a lot to life's table.

 

Thanks for venting here.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks, both of you.

 

Those reference materials are great.

 

To be honest, I just don't know anymore (in general). I'm finding myself questioning so much. I feel shaken, not stirred.

 

I'm missing some valuable emotional tools. If only I can learn them, life will be a whole lot better for me. Things won't seem so serious. It's difficult to be lighthearted when a person isn't taking care of their emotional wellbeing properly.

 

Unresolved between mom and I? Yes, there are a few things. Nothing that can't be finished up once I am fully myself again. This has more to do with me.

Me not fully growing out of child-of-an-alcoholic behaviors.

Letting go of regrets, too.

 

I'm tired, is pretty much all. Trying to learn how to give myself the TLC and attention I know I need and (am starting to understand) I deserve.

 

Not depressed, but sort of limping around attempting to hold my ground and not get lost again. Re-orientation to the world of the living! lol.

 

thx

[nottoogreen]

I find letting regrets go hardest, but there is no way around it.

 

What are you questioning?

 

When is your bf back?

[itsallgrand]

I'm with you as far as regrets go - they are the most difficult for me. To let go, let it be.

 

Well, I've been questioning the main thrust of my life's direction. What I live for. I feel as though many of my usual ways of being are being stripped away rather quickly.

My basic beliefs are up for question again.

My basic lifestyle, how I spend my time.

Who I spend my time with. Why. Who will get my attention.

 

I only want to enjoy myself and have space to get better without too much nagging at me, pressuring me. I'd take a vacation if I could afford it. Mini ones will have to do.

 

Mr. Man is due to be back the first week of Aug. We'll see. It is somewhat tentative. Could be extended, or he could be back sooner.

 

It doesn't even matter so much to me at this point. It matters, but not so much.

I miss him, would fripping love it if I could at least see him for a night! But this being away completely sucks.

There is not much to go into while he is always on the go and far away like this - only phone, email. It's frustrating, frankly.

I can't chase him around the country and I can't afford to jet off and meet him right now.

 

Besides: it kinda pisses me off ....all of it. There is some hostility in me towards him. Intellectually i know it is unreasonable to expect him to check in to me immedietly. in my heart it doesn't matter. It bothers me. I want connection.

 

I am questioning what will become of us. I just want to see him, fer christs sakes. Talk to him, do things with him, touch him, listen to his stories and his laugh.

 

I laugh 'cause here's the facts as I see them:

I'm young, I'm going to get better, I feel a little wiser and am discovering what i want - I just can't get as upset or passionate about whether or not this fits into my ideas anymore. It's love not life.

 

Almost - who cares??! Whatever needs to happen, I want to let it.

I don't want to force anything anymore and I don't want to stress. What a waste.

 

Nothing can take away how special and beautiful it all is, anyhow.

 

I am also horny. With my newfound eyes, i am getting impatient with our semi-monog. crazy arrangement.

I feel like I am giving the loyalty and exclusiveness 100% but not getting the benefits that come with it! what a sh/t deal.

 

I'm sorry if this offends sensibilities out there, but I am a lot nicer happier person when I am having sex regularly. I am dissatisfied. Disatisfied with a situation where I feel like I am left waiting for physical affection and ----. It makes me angry.

 

F what people say *you* should feel. I want sex and lots of it. His feelings? Respect his feelings and wait? Screw that!

It's the erotica in every day life, shared fully, with him i want.

It's not like wouldn't couldn't make it work. It is that he has CHOSEN WORK over everything else, to the detriment of all else.

Dingbat surely knows how my sense will not allow me to sleep with multiple people at once, or to be with him now AND pursue others. It is one or the other for me: him or single. Him as friend if not with me.

I'd just go crazy otherwise at this point. I just would.

 

All that as it is; I find myself on many sides surrounded by 'stuff' and people I just don't want anymore, just don't want to deal with this bullst/.

 

People are full of sht, don't know what they want, don't know what they need, are ruled by desire and the next step.

 

Hey, me too, but i gotta go at the pace i need to...no matter if it means I am a freak.

 

Freedom. Peace. Caring and being cared for. Living to the fullest I can.

This is all I care about anymore.

 

///Have a lot of writing to do today. Found a kitten on my doorstep this morning. Little orange scraper. No idea who left her there or how she got there.

Going out. Need to.

 

.........will be back....

[nottoogreen]

I'm with you as far as regrets go - they are the most difficult for me. To let go, let it be.

 

Well, I've been questioning the main thrust of my life's direction. What I live for. I feel as though many of my usual ways of being are being stripped away rather quickly.

My basic beliefs are up for question again.

My basic lifestyle, how I spend my time.

Who I spend my time with. Why. Who will get my attention.

 

I only want to enjoy myself and have space to get better without too much nagging at me, pressuring me. I'd take a vacation if I could afford it. Mini ones will have to do.

 

Mr. Man is due to be back the first week of Aug. We'll see. It is somewhat tentative. Could be extended, or he could be back sooner.

Firstly, for background, I like to say that I often put myself into the position of people I talk to or about. If I would be him - OK, I talk as him now - [HIM], I want to be your loving healthy partner. I am very excited about the positive you. I don't know how to help you, can't handle much stress and I hope you continue to get better. [/HIM]

It doesn't even matter so much to me at this point. It matters, but not so much.

I miss him, would fripping love it if I could at least see him for a night! But this being away completely sucks.

There is not much to go into while he is always on the go and far away like this - only phone, email. It's frustrating, frankly.

I can't chase him around the country and I can't afford to jet off and meet him right now.

More flexibility and freedom would be good. Work on you career as much as you can.

Besides: it kinda pisses me off ....all of it. There is some hostility in me towards him. Intellectually i know it is unreasonable to expect him to check in to me immedietly. in my heart it doesn't matter. It bothers me. I want connection.

Yeah, but it is a) selfish and b) naive to expect that he realizes your new feelings LD in a few weeks.

I am questioning what will become of us. I just want to see him, fer christs sakes. Talk to him, do things with him, touch him, listen to his stories and his laugh.

 

I laugh 'cause here's the facts as I see them:

I'm young, I'm going to get better, I feel a little wiser and am discovering what i want - I just can't get as upset or passionate about whether or not this fits into my ideas anymore. It's love not life.

 

Almost - who cares??! Whatever needs to happen, I want to let it.

I don't want to force anything anymore and I don't want to stress. What a waste.

 

Nothing can take away how special and beautiful it all is, anyhow.

 

I am also horny. With my newfound eyes, i am getting impatient with our semi-monog. crazy arrangement.

I feel like I am giving the loyalty and exclusiveness 100% but not getting the benefits that come with it! what a sh/t deal.

Him must be too, I hope he will be back soon.

I'm sorry if this offends sensibilities out there, but I am a lot nicer happier person when I am having sex regularly. I am dissatisfied. Disatisfied with a situation where I feel like I am left waiting for physical affection and ----. It makes me angry.

My gf and I masturbate when we are separated for more than a week. There is a link in the reference to a site on how to learn...

F what people say *you* should feel. I want sex and lots of it. His feelings? Respect his feelings and wait? Screw that!

It's the erotica in every day life, shared fully, with him i want.

It's not like wouldn't couldn't make it work. It is that he has CHOSEN WORK over everything else, to the detriment of all else.

Dingbat surely knows how my sense will not allow me to sleep with multiple people at once, or to be with him now AND pursue others. It is one or the other for me: him or single. Him as friend if not with me.

I'd just go crazy otherwise at this point. I just would.

Work can be an effective AD, in any case I am sure he misses you too. Have you told him how much you miss him?

All that as it is; I find myself on many sides surrounded by 'stuff' and people I just don't want anymore, just don't want to deal with this bullst/.

 

People are full of sht, don't know what they want, don't know what they need, are ruled by desire and the next step.

 

Hey, me too, but i gotta go at the pace i need to...no matter if it means I am a freak.

 

Freedom. Peace. Caring and being cared for. Living to the fullest I can.

This is all I care about anymore.

...

Reasonable, when he is back, work on him realizing the catch he has in you.

 

The usual patience and persistance...

[itsallgrand]

Patience and persistence. That should be my mantra. lol.

 

No, you are right. It is rash of me to expect Mr. Man to know my feelings right now, let alone absorb them and be able to reply. Not yet.

 

I thought I did a good enough job of letting him know I miss him. I am doing the best I can...which isn't enough, most likely.

 

See, I know I am f-ed up. I'm not saying this to be self-deprecating or to elicite sympathy.

It just is how I am at the moment. I'm working on it.

 

I have all these rushes of new feelings, new thoughts, new ideas.

 

I seem to either go full force with things, or restrain myself to the point of choking off parts of myself. It is one of things I am trying to experiment with now: striking a healthy balance there.

 

There is a lot bottled up in me. A lot.

 

Anyways, thanks for the help again. I'm going to try and focus in more of my energy for now into my career and my friends. These are things that are important and stick around.

 

It's really weird. This is the first time in my life I really feel like this life is all mine. Trauma and regrets and beauty and all.

 

If you couldn't tell by now, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings. Oh well. That is what art is for, right.

 

 

[nottoogreen]

Patience and persistence. That should be my mantra. lol.

Yes, OK, well this is from my perspective now, me your age haha, huhu and shiver...

No, you are right. It is rash of me to expect Mr. Man to know my feelings right now, let alone absorb them and be able to reply. Not yet.

 

I thought I did a good enough job of letting him know I miss him. I am doing the best I can...which isn't enough, most likely.

Do not overdo it. Do not become clingy! Do not shock him to death!

See, I know I am f-ed up. I'm not saying this to be self-deprecating or to elicite sympathy.

It just is how I am at the moment. I'm working on it.

You are not, it was life, fate if you like. Many have been there before you and many will get there after you.

I have all these rushes of new feelings, new thoughts, new ideas.

It's great, now your feelings are unobstructed at last. Don't worry too much!

I seem to either go full force with things, or restrain myself to the point of choking off parts of myself. It is one of things I am trying to experiment with now: striking a healthy balance there.

Young boy , just joking, most women seem to be better at learning and handling feelings me thinks.

There is a lot bottled up in me. A lot.

Make some more threads if you like, (in particular) of the issues wrt alcoholic mom. Get it over with before he is back.

Anyways, thanks for the help again. I'm going to try and focus in more of my energy for now into my career and my friends. These are things that are important and stick around.

You are most welcome, and please focus on your balanced strength as an individual. I think he does that too, and he may well be good at it. Do not hesitate to be a little bit selfish at times, what I mean is do not forget YOURSELF again.

It's really weird. This is the first time in my life I really feel like this life is all mine. Trauma and regrets and beauty and all.

Repeat: It's great, now your feelings are unobstructed at last. Don't worry too much!

If you couldn't tell by now, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings. Oh well. That is what art is for, right.

 

Not only you, I still have not replied to your reply to my post on those 7 months of my childhood. My post rattled me a bit when I had posted it. The reply will be forthcoming in due course, as well as the whole story. At this time I am more interested in sharing my hard earned experience on the handling of depression.

 

 

[itsallgrand]

 

 

Yeah. Sometimes I feel like I deal with my feelings more like a stereotypical guy than a woman. Don't really get the whole 'women are better with feelings' thing.

I know a lot of messed up women! lol.

I've mentioned it before too, I've received more kindness and genuine expression of feeling from men in this world than women. in general. I've learned more about showing feeling from men, odd as that is.

 

I noticed you didn't reply to the post about your childhood. Knew you'd talk about it when you are ready.

I know exactly what you mean: after posting anything about my mom and certain periods in my life, I feel rattled.

I almost want to distance myself from it, take a time out. It can be so hard.

 

I'm afraid if I start talking about my mom I won't stop. It would be a lot of swearing, and crying, and who knows what else.

I do it in little pieces. I don't think, now, that it is something that ever really goes away, but with time we make peace with it in ourselves.

 

Btw, my mom is okay, quite well recovered from her shock. It helped greatly, I'm sure, that the man involved in the accident is doing well and is expected to have a near full recovery.

 

I just want to say a few things about mom right now.

She was not there for me at times I really needed her. In fact; she made all things about her.

She used her sickness against me, and she blamed me for the things wrong in her life.

She failed to protect me, she would not listen to me.

She would try to send me away when things got tough.

She was always the perpetual victim in her own world.

She never, once, that I can recall, made me feel like I had made her proud. A grade? "You should have got an A+. What is wrong with you?"

She was abusive.

 

I love my mom, I always have. I know she loved me the best she could. Unfortunatley, like many others out there...she did not love me unconditionally or well. She was selfish and young.

 

It really wouldn't have been so bad. It wouldn't have been so bad if things had been otherwise somewhat ok. but they weren't.

 

((nottoogreen)) . It's amazing. I feel like I can talk here, differently. I feel like it is really is possible to have friends accross the computer screen and far away. And I'm really grateful for it.

 

Dako, you know I'm thinking of you now too. I hope you're well, and thank you for the encouragement.

 

.....

[nottoogreen]

 

Yeah. Sometimes I feel like I deal with my feelings more like a stereotypical guy than a woman. Don't really get the whole 'women are better with feelings' thing.

I know a lot of messed up women! lol.

I've mentioned it before too, I've received more kindness and genuine expression of feeling from men in this world than women. in general. I've learned more about showing feeling from men, odd as that is.

We are more influence by complex abusive moms.

...

I love my mom, I always have. I know she loved me the best she could. Unfortunatley, like many others out there...she did not love me unconditionally or well. She was selfish and young.

 

It really wouldn't have been so bad. It wouldn't have been so bad if things had been otherwise somewhat ok. but they weren't.

I understand that, just the same with my mom, but it's OK now and you will be too!

((nottoogreen)) . It's amazing. I feel like I can talk here, differently. I feel like it is really is possible to have friends accross the computer screen and far away. And I'm really grateful for it.

...

To know that there is someone real who can listen and understand still beats me at times. One can never do that in a relationship. I am amazed about how much I resolved the last 2 months and am also grateful to be able to talk to people like you to share experiences. It amazes me how small the world can be, and how isolated it would be without the internet and sites like this, and without you of course and Dako as well.

[itsallgrand]

 

 

Okay. I'd like to just jot down a few further things about shock here. I understand if there are no replies. I just need to vent and to have a reference for a few observations and such I made today.

 

I am getting a lot better. I just know it! My PTSD treatment program is finished. Finito!! I 'graduated'. lol. Now, it is active management and 'thriving'. I'm going to be having weekly 'check in' with the psych for a while, then down to every few weeks. I am excited for me!

 

I cried happy tears today. I can recall the complete numbness and how sick I was. You know, all sorts of fun things.

 

And today I could really FEEL and I was HAPPY and I felt SAFE.

 

I celebrated all alone, and then with a few friends.

 

ok, ok, the 'bad' stuff today:

 

- walking on the busy streets, still sounds like a million wasps flicking around, people's noises are still very loud to me, still senstive to that ....

 

tolerable. a few deep breaths brought it in check. and focusing in on one thing or person

 

- a man got a little too close to me - sitting behind me on the bus - and for some reason he triggered me off.

instead of my usual response, I got this full on body shudder. I felt cold all over! It felt like breath on my neck travelling up and down my spine. I expressed it - shuddered, and then I felt fine!!

 

.....Hmm, maybe i should start writing this stuff in a separate journal . lol.

 

Ok. Thread is dead. carry on folks.

[nottoogreen]

... I am getting a lot better. I just know it! My PTSD treatment program is finished. Finito!! I 'graduated'. ...

And today I could really FEEL and I was HAPPY and I felt SAFE.

Congratulations itsallgrand! A grand day!

... a man got a little too close to me

Normal protective feelings. Keep some pepper spray around.

Ok. Thread is dead. carry on folks.

Mission accomplished, and I am proud of you!