Think I need to Retreat From the World

[Montrell274]

For years, I feel like my life has been a see-saw. From humilation to ridicule, I feel like my life is a hecitc story. Now, I'm 20 years old and I still feel the pain of people. I have tried many roads in life. I have tried the 'never fold' approach in high school, standing up for myself and always being defensive. Then, I tried to be social, to be outward, which put me in situations that I do not know how to operate in (ie. not a strong conversationalist). Now I do not know where I am. I can still be set off at a drop of the dime, I feel that most of my friends are not really my friends. And I still have the same lonely, sad feeling, similar to my high school years.

 

I hate how I was treated then, maybe it would be easier for me to relax around people if it never happened. Now I'm at the point where I'm practically tired of the same drama. I want a permanent escape, but there's complications. I have managed to become the Vice-President of a student organization, and a mentor of a summer program. I cannot escape from the world without leaving all of this behind. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have done this search for the real me, but all I have found is more headache and more drama.

[vagabond]

Have you ever considered traveling to another country? There are so many places to go, people to meet, and experiences to savor. As an added bonus, if you travel to a non-english-speaking country, you won't have to worry about not being a strong conversationalist!

[FoxLocke]

I agree with the other country suggestion, because I am considering the same route. I would love to just dissappear for a year or so...And come back refreshed. Familiarity really does breed contempt and I would just love a change of scenery.

 

You should look into it.

[Montrell274]

problem: I'm in college, and a trip to another country is kinda expensive...

[NJRon]

Not if you join the Peace Corp. Plus, they offer money when you get out.

[vagabond]

You could take a break from college. You could spend your summer and winter breaks somewhere else. Stay with a friend or relative who lives in another city or state.

 

Airfare (link removed, link removed) is the most expensive part of traveling. Once you've jumped that hurdle, depending on where you go, traveling is as expensive as you choose. Staying at resorts and eating dinner at fancy restaurants=expensive. Staying at hostels (link removed) or staying with people (link removed) and eating on the cheap is not expensive. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

 

If you know how to camp, going somewhere and setting up a tent would definitely be a good retreat from the world.

 

Your health and happiness are more important than being VP of a student organization. Take the break you need.

[Alabama]

Since you've found yourself in those situations, than I suggest try to deal with it. When I was in my first year of College, I just wanted to leave, because I felt detached from the world. Yet then I became an RA and made some friends and since felt better about staying. Isn't there anyway, besides the positions you've attained, that would want you to stay where you are right now? Since disappearing won't solve the problem. You would simply be delaying it.

[Caldus]

Study abroad perhaps?

[Montrell274]

I don't feel bad about my location and my position at school..it is my ability to deal with people in general.

[Caldus]

As Sartre says ... "Hell is other people."

[itsallgrand]

Possibly you are attempting to discover your self-identity by group identity? What I mean is: you may be subconsciously seeking the approval and acceptance that you feel you were denied early.

Hence: surrounding yourself with people, becoming VP of a student org and mentoring.

 

Being VP and mentoring aren't 'bad' in themselves, but perhaps it is not right for you. If you are doing it for vested reasons, it would make total sense why you want to escape.

 

Do you feel like you can be yourself around people? or do you feel you are always performing?

 

I could be way off here. I 'm just trying to get a feel for what is actually bothering you.

[Montrell274]

It is at the point where I really don't know. Sometimes I feel okay, but most of the time, I don't. It is like I don't know what to do in social situations. It rarely feels natural.

[vagabond]

Are you comfortable around anyone? If so, who? And why are you comfortable with them?

[Montrell274]

i am comfortable when i don't have to act out, when things are natural. i rarely feel that way at times. i have always been to myself since high school, with a select few of friends, but all the constant bs that i've experienced gave me a hard, offensive and defensive shell. i don't know when people actually joke around or when they are serious. so i act out of seriousness whenever i am doing something, even something as simple as a videogame.

[talo]

You imply that you "have to act out". That you are 'playing a part', not being genuine? Faking it? What would it take to be genuine?

[KIDD]

I agree with the other country suggestion, because I am considering the same route. I would love to just dissappear for a year or so...And come back refreshed. Familiarity really does breed contempt and I would just love a change of scenery.

 

You should look into it.

 

I agree with Foxlocke! Going to another country would not only be a great experience, but it will help you grow as a person also I believe!

[Montrell274]

but i cannot afford to go to another country.

 

About the genuine issue, I thought being outward and social was genuine. But the more I found myself in situations that I do not know how to respond in (ie. conversations, etc.), the more I find myself going in a downward spiral.

[talo]

Montrell, in your first post on this thread you talk of the "search for the real me". You appear to have searched with your mind; you _assumed_ a way to be or go in order to find this.

 

One does not really find anything; one is simply genuine, feeling. Feeling is genuine, it is real. Thought is 'taking one away from feeling'; thought is 'covering up' feeling; thought is _assuming_ something; assuming a mask.

 

To be real, genuine, one feels one's way. One does not 'know where one is going'. Knowing where one is going is _assuming_ something. One just experiments and 'sees how one feels'.

 

Knowing _how_ to respond is 'following a method', a strategy, ie, not being genuine. One is 'faking it' and as you put it, it is "a downward spiral". One becomes dejected, as one cannot 'keep it up'.

 

One does not really _find_ a real me, one is simply feeling, genuine.

[Montrell274]

so, not knowing how to respond in social situations is a good thing?

[talo]

Thank you for continuing the dialogue Montrell.

so, not knowing how to respond in social situations is a good thing?

Not knowing how to respond in the sense of not trying to maintain an image, a stance, a strategy, and the like is freeing. It allows one to just be appropriate in the sense of being feeling, expressing feeling. How could this not be good?

[Montrell274]

i don't know, i guess at social points i feel out of place. Everyone will be talking about anything, but i don't feel like i have any input in the conversations.

[Caldus]

^ Ditto...

[talo]

Thank you Montrell for adding some good points (feelings) to this conversation.

 

Your feelings at this point in this conversation:

 

You feel you "don't know".

and

"I feel out of place"

and

"I don't feel like I have any input into conversations".

 

All valid feeling and all helpful to this conversation, thank you.

 

If one doesn't know what to say, but has feelings (as you do here) one expresses feeling honestly (as you have done here). This requires courage; courage to reveal your true feelings. When one has the courage to place ones feelings 'out there' so to speak, one does not feel "out of place". One is where ones feelings are, so one cannot possibly be out of place. One is only out of place when one is not honouring, ie expressing feeling.

 

The feeling that one does not have anything to input into a conversation is feeling that one is somehow 'not up to', not 'knowledgeable enough' or somesuch; in short, somehow inadequate for a situation. This is _not feeling_, this is thinking. This is inadequate thinking. This thinking leads to inadequate feeling, which needs to be expressed so that insight can be gained.

 

I am pleased that by expressing your feeling Montrell, that I have had an opportunity to express mine. Expressing, honouring and respecting feeling openly and honestly feels good; this is true conversation.

[Montrell274]

so you are saying that as long as i know how to express myself, i am never out of place?

[NJRon]

I think it's as long as you are out of place, you will always have something to express