Oops! Me again - advice needed

[haley999]

Here was my original thread...

 

We basically broke up after 2 years and then were apart for threee months and got back togetherin early May.

 

 

 

Since we have been together things have been good. We have really been enjoying one another's company at such, and taking it slow. Here is the rub - we haven't had a "big" talk about the past. We spoke a couple of weeks after we got back together about the "clingy/demanding" problem that we had. We resolved it - or we both agreed it was a problem and "fixed" it. We also stated that the "end" goal is to be together.

 

Fighting was a MAJOR issue for us in the past. Lately, he has been goading me into arguments. He was actually pissed at me for NOT arguing about a point (politics). What I do is tell him to stop and then he gets critical and cools down. I have been proud of the "diffusal" skills and they dissipate.

 

Last week, we had a dicussion about "life" and what a rich life is. He said some things that I didn't buy into and I told him. When he makes points he really tries to change someone's mind - it's almost as if he is threatened if you don't agree with him. He also has a tendency to put words in people's mouths. Like, "you believe this," when that is not what the person said. Irritating. I told him that I would not discuss the topic further because he was putting words in my mouth and twisting them to make me sound shallow, uninformed, etc. I pointed out that other people have told him this, which is why some don't like to argue politics with him. He said that he wanted to break-up with me. I got upset - like "whatever" and left the bar, he followed telling me that I think he is a jerk and I should be happy to be without him.

 

He followed me home, and he said a reluctant sorry, and I told him that he could get mad - but the "break-up" threats have to STOP.

 

Saturday night, I cooked and he came over and we had a good time. I told him that my lease was up and that I may have to move in January (my landlord does this every year). He was a little pissy, and what followed was a weird conversation about where I should live. He also, before we got back together, told me that he was upset that when I moved I didn't move closer to him.

 

We dropped it and then went to the porch for a drink. My neighbor - a little crazy, about 50, and a little drunk was out there and we talked and I told her about the move, etc., and how expensive it would be to buy, etc. My BF went inside and ahse looked at me and said "I have heard you and BF fight in the past and I don't think he treated you well. You need someone to support you in every way and he isn't doing it I don't think that he is right for you."

PS - I have never talked to her about BF - this is all her impressions from seeing him and hearing us.

 

BF came back out and I just gave her a look. BF picked up on it and said "what" I said nothing - I'll tell you later. My goal was to get the neighbor to be GONE. He pushed and pushed it and she told him. He said what do you think about that and I said I do need someone to support me - and I think you can. He then asked her whay she thought that he was incapable, and after wrangling her for a while and me asking him to drop it she told him. She said that he was emotionally unavailable and cold (in a nutshell).

 

He responded by saying that he doesn't believe in "over-emotion" and wants reason and logic. I again tried to change the subject, but they continued. He then sais that the reason that we aren't married or engaged is because I am not perfect. (Yes - I swear). He love me more than anyone and realized I am the best that he has dated, but I'm not "perfect" enough yet to consider and forever. He thinks all humans should strive for perfection and that that is the goal in life.

 

Well, she blasted him for saying that I wasn't good enough and he said haley is but she needs "work" essentially. I got pissed. He tried to defend his position and I ended up being so frustrated with the dounble talk that I got my phone and said "I am going to record this so you can see how mean you are being."

 

I then went inside for a while and then came out and they had finsished their talk and we went inside. He laid on the couch and I said "you know what she said isn't how I feel" and he turned and said I don't want to talk to you - go away. I asked him to either move to the bedroom or leave and he said that's it and left. (My daughter was home and I didn't want her to see him passed out on the couch).

 

Called him twice yesterday - no response - and just e-mailed him and we are talking tonight. This was a problem before. I always felt that I wasn't worth it enough to get through hard times with and he would end up saying he doesn't need me. SAME problem.

 

I actaully yesterday had a conversation with my ex-husband about this and he said that he thinks BF (who he knows) is emotionally stilted and has low self-esteem. Ex related to me that when we were together, he would goad me and then when I said something mean, he would blame the entire argument on me and my failures and then take off. SAME THING. He said that he did it because he was insecure about my feelings for him and wanted to hurt me and knock me down a peg. He said that I would intimidate him before since I was successful, very smart, pretty, good family, had some money, lots of friends, and he never felt that he was good enough or that I needed him.

 

I need to clear this up. I cannot merry-go-round again and if he really wants perfection - than he is out of luck. Thoughts on the talk and how to approach. I feel like he is ready to chuck it - he wants perfect - how can I convey that the deeper issue needs to be resolved. I also have a feeling he is going to blame the entire night on me..... HELP

[Tshwane]

yr bf reminds me of some of the mistakes i did, try talking to him on his happiest day about yr problem. I recommend writing him a letter(women get me soft with letters).

[haley999]

How does he remind you of you, if I can ask? So do you think that tonight I should back off of the conversation?

[andrew05151]

Seriously, this guy sounds like a huuuuuge douche bag. Seriously. And you have a daughter. Do you really want him as her father figure? I mean, you said so yourself...he's too immature to even handle a political debate....

 

 

C'mon...you can do better. You know it.

[haley999]

Douche is one of my favorites slams!

 

I think that when he is challenged he gets insecure that the person thinks that he is stupid. We have had plenty of debates that don't end like this though. What do you think he could be thinking about the talk with the neighbor - anger, humiliation, pissed?

[haley999]

Thanks Rain - my neighbor had actully met him many times before- all friendly. I agree. Although not everything she said rang true, I think that it was something that I had been thinking but couldn't articulate like she did. He can be very closed, and she stressed that she thought it was fear of getting hurt. I'm curious about whether he could take waht she said and see if he sensitivity was due to the fact she hit a chord. But for some reason I feel he may blame me.

[Scout]

I think that your boyfriend is simply human, with his share of imperfections and faults. The only problem this could really present is if he doesn't recognize them and try to deal with them, especially if he is seriously requiring "perfection" from you. Tell him even the Dali Lhama will be the first to admit he isn't perfect, by the way!

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a passionate, intense, insecure person who is afraid of coming off as insecure or stupid, so tries to twist it around and project it on the other person. This is actually rather common and it's a problem that can be fixed, but it takes facing his insecurities with an unflinching resolve once and for all. To really figure out what their roots are, where they lie, and why they aren't grounded in reality in his life today. Because most of this stuff can be traced back to childhood.

 

However, all this is hard for most people to do. You can't convince him to, either.

 

If it comes down to you having to walk around on eggshells because differing from him results in negative comments and ultimatums, this may not a relationship you can save, Haley. And if you are seeing similarities between him and your ex, you might also want to see if you are picking men with similar traits - and try to get to the root of why. No one is perfect, and everyone comes with their share of baggage, but it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is honestly trying to deal with his own. It's not the baggage that ends relationships, it's the refusal to deal with and fix it.

[haley999]

Wow - so true Scout! My fear is that, like before, he will not deal with sometimes making mistakes. I never confronted this issue before, and want to tell him that NO ONE is perfect - and that I love him and need to be loved for who I am - not as a concept. I feel like he is "tallying" me sometimes. He gets defensive about my independence. He also told me when we got back that he felt I didn't love and need him - that he was disposable because I have so much, why would I need him.

 

He tries to make me happy and gets * * * * *ly when he feels he can't. When he went to the store for a bottle of wine he brought a red, white, champagne, and some Stoli because he wanted to make sure I got what I wanted.

 

How do I present this to him though and get him to break through? He has resentment towrds his mother who he felt was not there for him and his Dad was a real "man's man." He went hunting instead of being home every year for my BF's birthday.

[saltwatergirl]

Are you older than him?

 

I know you have spent a couple years trying to fix him. But really, I don't see the logic behind this. The world is full of men who have already been raised.

 

You two want to spend all this time and energy trying to correct the other person and make them into someone they are not. Wouldn't it be easier to just find SOMEONE ELSE that you are more compatable with?

 

Salt

[Scout]

You two want to spend all this time and energy trying to correct the other person and make them into someone they are not. Wouldn't it be easier to just find SOMEONE ELSE that you are more compatable with?

 

I have to say Haley, that I am agreeing with Saltwatergirl's statement here. Sure, we all have issues that come up in our relationships, but if after two years - on and off - he still is heaping most of the responsibility for the problems on you, in the long run this just might not be the right match.

 

I really don't know how to get anyone to face their problems who actually has the gall to say they won't firmly commit to their partner because she isn't "perfect enough yet." That's a tough one.