Worst thing about divorce

[tictactoe2006]

I get pushed into the role of part-time father. Such a shame that these days people like my ex-wife get rewarded for destroying families.

[RayKay]

Just because you see them part time, does not mean you cannot still be a father full time. Make the most of the time you do have with them, those kids will know you truly love being their dad because of it.

 

My father on the other hand figured part time meant "casual time" and eventually "check in once a year"...lol.

[tictactoe2006]

Hi there! First off, sorry to hear that about your dad. There's no way I am going to let that happen in my situation. The part that gets me is, in my state the child support awards are 1) outsized and 2) not monitored. Meaning that I have to get a part-time job in addition to my 40+ hour a week full-time job to pay it, and also there is nothing stopping my ex from spending the money on her boyfriend (or her ex finace, who she eventually cheated on me with).

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not another one of those deadbeats trying to skip out on my duty - I helped make that child, and darn sure I better support that child. I jsut wish there were a fairer way to do the support - it means ultimately having to give up my weeknights with my child, and that is terrible.

[RayKay]

Hmm, did they base the salary payments on your gross salary, or on your actual take home?

 

Unfortunately, there are plenty of people whom do abuse the system which is sad, and good reason it should be more monitored. There are many whom don't though as well so I hope your ex falls into this latter one....

 

I do suggest you just make sure your child is being provided for (ie clothes, food, medical, activities) and if you notice a big differential between what they SHOULD be getting and what they are, you consult your lawyer.

[Daddy Bear]

i feel for you. the 'modern' legal system is not what it should be in this area, to put it mildly.

 

however, as long as you are there on a reasonably regular basis, your child will likely never perceive you as a part-time father. it's quality that matters most.

[tictactoe2006]

It's based on my gross salary, and does not factor in the apartment rent (we signed a lease not too long before she walked out) or things like that. Even at that, I would grit it out gladly, if any unused money each month went into a college account or something for my child. At least my child would eventualyl still get use of the funds. Alas, that is not how it works.

 

Another kicker - even though I proved adultery in court, I still have to carry my ex on my medical until my child is 18 or my ex remarries - meaning if this clown kcocks her up, I get to pay for prenatal care. How anyone, by any stretch of the imagination, can feel that is fair, is truly beyond me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

tictactoe - I totally feel like the system is sexist against men, in most cases. It's too bad that the good ones get punished for the mistakes of a few.

 

It's unfair and not right.

 

I'm sorry for your predicament but it sounds like your kids will be ok. Just by the fact that you're concerned says to me that you're a good dad.

[tictactoe2006]

thanks for your concern slightlybent - I get plenty of time now, however in the near future I will need to decrease that in order to pay for all that the People's REpublic - oops, I mean my state - says I have to. How ironic that, instead of making sure my child has a loving environment, the state actually pushes fathers away from their children.

[tictactoe2006]

tictactoe - I totally feel like the system is sexist against men, in most cases. It's too bad that the good ones get punished for the mistakes of a few.

 

It's unfair and not right.

 

I'm sorry for your predicament but it sounds like your kids will be ok. Just by the fact that you're concerned says to me that you're a good dad.

 

Thanks Knowing that people out there can understand the plight, comforts me a little.

[brando]

Well with womens salaries (Professional women) salaries closing the gap on mens salaries, each divorce case regardless of state needs to take this into consideration. Years ago when women werent as prevailent in the workforce it was understandable, but today for some cases it is much different. Women today can make as much if not more than men in most firelds.

 

The child on the other hand is a different story.

[tictactoe2006]

Good point Brando. The way I see it, the child should have as muc haccess to both parents as is locially possible. However, when one parent is forced to take a second job to pay the child support, it negates the purpose.

 

Child support is a very necessary thing, to make sure that children of divorce are provided with the resrouces they nee,d, jsut like kids in married families. It should not, however, be doled out as punishment to non-custodial parents, which seems to be the case these days.

 

For the record, I think people who skip out on their child support payments should go to jail. That being said, all sides should be able to sit down and realistically figure out what is needed, not just have a nameless, faceless state beauracrat dictate it..

[Starfall]

Tictactoe I feel for you.

My husband and I are both in our 2nd marriages. Both of our spouses cheated on us and we each have one child. (We had a lot in common which brought us together)

 

Anyway... his wife took him to the cleaners. Took everything, he pays child support and is a great dad... however, if she finds out he works extra... she will threaten to take a portion of that $. "Ridiculous"

 

I on the other hand get along great with my ex. We put my son first and he can see him anytime he wants including his family. My son just got back from a 3 week vacation with my ex-in-laws. I too get child support and my ex is so happy to see that it does go to my son. I would never think to chase him down at extra jobs and threaten to take more money. He has married a wonderful woman (not the one he cheated on me with... and we are all close. I wish the same for you.

 

My husband's ex.. doesn't buy his daughter clothes, or things she needs. We end up doing it as we feel bad. The money goes to her nails, hair, clothes, trips... etc. It's sad. I can see why a lot of men who are unhappy in their marriages tell themselves.... "It's Cheaper To Keep Her". lol

[tictactoe2006]

Starfall, sorry to hear about your ex, it's a shoddy feeling when that happens to you. Glad to see that you found a great guy though!

 

One thing I've noticed: I thought for sure when I talked to people about this and mentioned the support, etc, that I would be viewed as just another deadbeat who wanted to skimp out on his responsibilites. However, most people see it my way - and just about all the women I have had convos with, agree with me! So, what I cannto figure out is: if peopel agree the system is broken, why will no one step up and fix it?

[Starfall]

I wish I had an answer for that..

Remember one thing for those of you who haven't experienced divorce...

"The person you marry IS NOT the same person you divorce"

 

The way it worked in my situation is they plugged in numbers. (What I make, what he makes, cost of living, caring for child, etc) then then come up with the magic number. You should P.M. me and tell me what you have to pay in support unless you don't mind everyone seeing, just curious. You have one child? two? The system is flawed. A lot of men get screwed I'm sorry you are one of them.

[goingtolawschool]

Some of the problems I have noticed with most state's child support calculation systems:

1. They do not account for cost of living differences if parents live in different states (ex: OK and NY) where cost of living, including child care and rent, vary vastly.

2. They do not account for the fact that the non-custodial parent still has to have a room and other stuff for when the child is with him or her. Thus the custodial parent may end up with a much nice lifestyle and residence than that non-custodial parent. The child often does not understand why the NCP cannot buy as much or even provide a proper bedroom.

3. They often do not account for travel costs even if it is better for the child to see both of his or her parents.

4. In an out-of-state visitation agreement, as in mine, the court does not account for the fact that I have my son for 2 months, during which time I pay for summer programs, clothes, food, etc. During those months, I still have to pay money to my ex!

 

Finally, despite paying about 1/5 of my salary to my ex (who makes more than I do), my son never has clothes that fit or are new, is never enrolled in enrichment programs...basically is not well cared for. I tried to get custody, but it proved futile. My ex got a slap on the wrist and I was ordered to pay more support because I got a raise at my job.

 

Fast forward a few years...I got so fed up, that I am now in law school (thank you Sallie Mae for helping me cover my child support payments). My goal is to try to fix this very broken system!